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|monday morning, august 9th, 2004. 2:33am
im now in my new apartment, at least one-fourth unpacked. it's starting to look good though, emma brought me some stuff and now it looks pretty decorated. its almost homey. the only thing is its kinda lonely. i want a cat. i wish i could win the lottery. then id have a cat! haha then i'd have a lot of stuff. i almost bought a lottery ticket the other day but the machine wouldnt take my dollar bill so i figured it was a sign that i shouldn't get one. actually it could have been because it was about 5am. but hey, whatever. ill try again next week. like i'll ever win the lottery anyway. i wish money would just fall in my lap.
i miss adrian a lot. i only talk about actually missing him occasionally. i dont know, i guess i just dont feel like making my problems everyone else's problems. as far as talking about him, i can't seem to stop. the guys at work are really weird because all i do is talk about him, they all know i'm married, and they're still trying. weirdos. sometimes i just dont understand life at all.
i feel like i don't much understand anything these days. my life is pretty much going through the motions. isn't that how it's always been though? there's this part of me that is so tempted to just take out another loan to pay for rent and living expenses so i don't have to work this year. work full time AND go to school? but it wouldn't just be living expenses. it would be immigration expenses too. i just don't want to incur more debt than i need to. i really promised myself that loans would be for school and that i would pay to live. i just never knew my life would turn out like this. who could know?? i don't regret anything i've done, i never will. I'm just so.... insecure financially. once again the one thing i really don't like rules my life. how long can i spend most of my day doing something i hate, that makes me feel useless, just because i get 9.45 an hour?
|saturday, august 14th, 2004. 8:11pm
last night we got off work early again so i had some people over. i didn't know they would still be here right now. i don't understand why they dont go to one of their houses. and ive asked a million times when theyre leaving and they think im joking. and theyre totally trashing my living room. and i havent slept. i got up at 8:15 last night to go to work and i still havent slept. i think i need to grow some balls and tell them they have to leave now. party's over. oh well. at least they filled up my gas tank for me cause they wanted me to drive them. man. ok. im getting rid of them now i swear.
|friday, august 27th, 2004. 6:57am
it seems almost every time i write nowadays i say "wow i havent written in forever". im done with that though because i just need to face the fact that finding the TIME to do something like write on my webpage can be a bit of a challenge.
i will soon be hired on at my work, even though that never was my intention when they started me as a temp. it's just so lucrative, the eventual nearly 10 dollars an hour combined with the benefits. sometimes i stop and look at things and think "i want my life back." how did i grow up this much in just a few months? my own apartment, my own bills, my own car, my own insurance, my own 9 to 5 (even if it is 9pm to 5am). i don't know how i got myself into this, but i want out. sometimes i just want to cry when i long for things to be easy again. i even wouldnt mind living in dorms right now just to not feel like im a real adult. i don't even know how im going to work nights and go to school at the same time. quality of life is the part of my life that has been thrown out the window. i don't mean to bitch, its just.... so hard not to. and then we won't even THINK of the whole adrian issue. people always ask how that's going but they don't really want to know because if i actually begin to talk about how hard it is, they don't want to hear it. don't ask me something if you don't want to know and you're just going to tell me "you can't complain because you chose it!" as if the fact that i chose it somehow made it any easier.
i don't even know why i bother writing. all i do is whine. it's just that well, i can't find anything to be particularly cheerful about. im doomed to this life of sleeping and working until adrian gets here. and the government is certainly taking its time in making that happen.
|wednesday, september 1st, 2004. 5:38am
so the other day at work im talking to this guy who goes to Chemeketa about school and he asks what i want to teach. when i tell him i want to teach children who speak spanish but still need to learn english, he said "oh well then you'll need to know spanish." "yeah, i already do," i said. when he asked why i wasn't a spanish major i explained to him that i already had the equivalent of a spanish major, so im focusing on the education part. I told him about living in mexico, about studying in cuba, etc. he looked at me with this dumbfounded look and said "what are you doing HERE?" that really affected me. he gave me the card of his best friend, an attorney who's looking for translators. honestly translation has always intimidated me and that's why i haven't gone looking for it. but this one kind of fell to me, and really i know i can do it. anyway, he said he talked to his friend this weekend and all i need to do is call and make an appointment. i called and left a message. now im just waiting. really even if that doesn't work out i think the whole discourse really made me think about what the hell i AM doing here. like im really just settling and selling myself short. while i "helped" amy pack to leave for spain on sunday afternoon she gave me a whole pep talk about the fact that i have SKILLS and that i'm not using them and i deserve a better job. i honestly think i do, we'll just see if i have the balls to stand up and tell my boss i just can't serve my 6 month sentence because my mind is rotting away in this position. and NO, homework "reports" on petty aspects of potato chip production are NOT going to make my mundane job feel more challenging or give me any sense of purpose!
anyway, i took the first step yesterday. i went out and bought myself a new outfit. shoes, dress pants and a shirt for 54 bucks. not too bad, i think, considering the shoes and pants were on this great sale. sales give me a rush. anyway, 54 bucks still feel like a lot, but i think feeling like i'm professionally dressed will give me a lot more confidence when interviewing.
today my plans consist of: sleep, call financial aid office, sleep, pay my rent, sleep, clean my room, sleep. we'll see if i get past the first "sleep".
|saturday, september 17th, 2004. 5:26am
yeah yeah, it's been awhile. sorry. i just find myself with a lack of exciting things to write about. this week at work i discovered a love for working in the spud room. yes, the spud room. i think its technical name is the "raw potato room" but ive never heard it called that before. we had a little problem this week, we received quite a few trucks of potatoes that had little black rocks embedded in the sides. so i got to spend a day up in the place where two people check the washed potatoes for mud and other things. they also cut the big potatoes in half, but anyway, i spent awhile up there looking for rocks. it was fun i think because it was something i don't normally do and i got to work with new people and stuff. when we determined there were rocks, we turned away that truck. but then when the next truck came the fun really began. dressed in an ankle-length plastic apron and safety glasses, i got to hose down samples of potatoes and then check for rocks. by the time it was over my feet were soaked, i was dirty and cold, but i was having a lot of fun. needless to say, we found rocks in that truck too. we didnt stop finding rocks until we started getting potatoes from a different farm. anyway, i had my day of fun in the spud room, but then i had to go back to my regular mundane tasks and ever since i have been even more unhappy and bitter in my job. i think the only way i could possibly have fun there is if they gave me something new to do every day. because everything gets old pretty fast.
it's hard for me to not get completely whiny about everything right now. i'm just so unhappy right now. i never thought i'd end up back in salem working some factory job and going to western oregon. completely not in my plans. i suppose there are some things you just don't plan for. maybe it would be easier if i wasn't so lonely. immigration is taking forever. they make progress so slowly that sometimes i want to cry and i think it would be easier to tell adrian to swim here.
i guess i'm kind of at a point right now where i feel like kind of a failure, like i have just done everything wrong and i don't know if anything will turn out right. i'm so restless, i have so much potential, and i keep having to settle for less because of money. i really do think money is the root of all evil. maybe the school will offer me enough loans to quit this job and get a less stressful, more fulfilling one. lets all cross our fingers!
|thursday, september 23rd, 2004. 10:42am
so yeah, according to my mom my website has been a "grand snore" lately and i can't say that i disagree. i dunno, i guess i can't really help that nothing interesting has happened to me lately, but i know i used to make something interesting out of something not so interesting and i can't even do that anymore. it's like all my creative energy has left me. really sad. i think this job is sucking all creativity from me.
anyway, i got the flu or some related thing starting probably on sunday night. i went to work on monday and only made it for a little over an hour before i asked to go home. i went from feeling like i was going to throw up to having this burning pain in my throat and i was pretty sure i shouldnt be there. i haven't been back since but i'm hoping to go today. i still feel kinda crappy but not nearly as bad and i think i finally dont have a fever anymore. i've been camping out at my parents house becaue my mommy takes good care of me. there's the one good thing about having stayed in salem. it's always nice to go home when you're sick.
anyway, school starts on monday and i figure maybe after that i'll have something more interesting to say.
|Sunday, October 10th, 2004. 10:54am
Well. Life has commenced once again. I am SO GLAD im in school now, it just gives me a purpose. I haven't stopped working, which has been really hard. Working 40 hours a week at night then trying to go to school AND get my homework done?? Not easy. I sleep an average of 4 hours a day. And that's AFTER I asked to get weekends off. So now I've asked for Wednesdays off also. I will be down to 32 hours but still full time. I hope that will help.
School has been great. I'm taking two Spanish classes, a science class with a lab, and an International Relations class. I like them all except science, and I feel like I'm super competent in my Spanish classes. It's funny, though, this is the first time I've had Spanish teachers who actually speak in Spanish through the whole class. I was really caught off guard at first then I was like wait, all my teachers last semester not only spoke Spanish the whole time, but in a fast, often undecipherable Cuban accent. This slow-talking Spanish teacher thing is nothing.
So being at Western Oregon is very weird… for several reasons… it's not Idaho at all haha. The worst part is the absence of all the things I KNOW, all the people I know. Also I don't really feel a PART of it. Like I go there, go to my classes, and come home. I don't know, I think I just have to get used to it. Besides, im starting to make some friends there too. There's one girl who's in both my Spanish classes who I'm going to start studying with and then some really nice girls in my international relations class. One of them is Cuban, she came here 8 years ago, so we have a lot to talk about. Stupid teacher just keeps interrupting!! Haha.
The REALLY weird thing is how I see so many people I graduated from high school with. The first person I saw was Kayla, with whom I used to run track. I remember freshman year we were the four freshman distance girls: me, Kayla, Christel, and Carissa. Anyway I walked into the bookstore and before I even got a chance to really SEE her face she goes "I KNEW I SAW YOU IN THE HUMANITIES BUILDING!!!!" I was like WHOA. I think a part of me had forgotten that I might see people I know there. That since has happened several times, always different. Some of them just say hi to me like they've seen me every day for the last two years. Others look at me with a confused look and say "what are you doing here? You don't go here!" It's kind of amusing really, but it's almost comforting that I'm not in a TOTALLY foreign place.
Anyway, in the long run I think I'm a lot happier now that I'm in school, even if I don't get much sleep. I feel social, I feel smart, I feel like I have a purpose. That's very important. The only thing is when I'm at work and I feel like crying because I'm SOOO tired. That's hard. I can't wait for Adrian to get here. Then all my work will finally have paid off, and I'll have someone to share all my pain, all my happiness, all my daily things with. I think we're almost about halfway there, so its almost downhill now!
|friday, october 21st, 2004. 5:36pm
i feel like life is playing a cruel joke on me. i finally got my award letter for financial aid from western on wednesday. goodbye hope of any scholarship.... i kind of figured that. i'm too average. fine. get my hopes up with a total of financial aid at $4,000 per term (did they finally understand that i need help with living expenses??). then the painful realization that almost all of that is in parent loans which my parents won't do... leaving me with $1,110 per term, which doesn't even cover the $1,600 per term for tuition that i pay if i only take 14 credits. we won't even TALK about books, let alone living expenses. and i'm trying to SAVE UP to bring Adrian here?? you've got to be kidding me.
That brings us to the second part of this cruel joke. i just checked the website that shows where the USCIS (formerly the INS) is in processing papers. The date i officially filed was July 27, 2004. They're processing papers filed March 25, 2004. The worst part is that today was the first day in two weeks that they have updated that website, but two weeks ago they were also proceessing papers filed March 25. What do they DO there? pick their noses?? how can two weeks go by without them getting ANYWHERE?
I just don't know what to do... i cant DO this anymore. i'm going to get bad grades this term, there's no way i can put all my effort into school when all i can think about is how to get enough sleep. i dont do ANYTHING well now, not even my job. i have this attitude now where they're just lucky i show up. a couple weeks ago i went into the office to notify my supervisor that i was going to start looking for a new job, and suddenly i was offered more days off. so now i only work 32 hours a week, which i still feel is too much. maybe if it wasn't at night it wouldn't be as bad. working at night really does require more sleep. not that i'm getting it, but i think that obvious sleep deficit is really contributing to my lack of concentration. i fell asleep in one of my classes yesterday, and i sit in the second row. it's that desperate kind of I JUST CANT STAY AWAKE ANYMORE kind of sleep. oh yeah, not to mention i have a cold yet again.
I seriously don't understand why i even bother anymore. last friday at work i was having a really bad day. Then someone told me they had seen Corey, whom i suspected of stealing my Idaho sweatshirt out of my house. They said he had been wearing it. somehow that just did it. why do people always take advantage of me? i just don't understand what i have done so wrong to deserve this. anyway, at lunch i was talking to one of my friends about it and i just broke down. i was really quiet, resting my head on the table. he asked if i was ok and i told him i had just been really despressed lately, explaining all the problems i am having, and then i said "if life is this miserable, it isn't worth living" (which now i realize sounds suicidal but it wasn't, it was just meant to illustrate that life shouldn't BE like this) and all of the sudden i had all these tears in my eyes. Being a guy, he said "Don't cry," in an effort to stop me from crying because we all know guys panic when girls cry. that just made my cry, though. looking totally lost on what to do, he patted my head and said "it's ok, it seems really bad right now but later you'll look back and realize it's not that bad." i wish he was right but i know it was just something to make me feel better. if i ever look back and think it's not that bad, that means my life will be even worse. i don't ever want my life to feel worse than it is right now. i don't know how i would handle it.
|saturday, november 20th, 2004. 11:53pm
so it's been awhile hasn't it? So basically the last month seems like it went by in a week. things were really really hard working at night like that and going to school during the day. i was averaging about 4 hours of sleep a day. as i mentioned earlier, i had wednesdays off in addition to weekends, which was pretty much the idea of my supervisor. i went into the office to tell her i was going to have to look for another job because working 40 hours a week and going to school was making me miserable. she said i could take more days off and i said "but i would need like 3 days off a week." no problem, that's fine, and we decided it would work. my lead was more than happy to give me wednesdays off, insisting that it was no problem. things were going a little better that way... not perfect but a little more do-able. then a couple weeks later my supervisor decides im taking too many days off (what?????) and asks HER supervisor if it's ok. the excuse of his that she gave me was "if you take so many days off everyone will expect that treatment and then everyone will be taking days off and we wont be able to run a shift." every single person in QA knew that was bullshit. no one ever takes days off, most of those people are working FOR the overtime. but i didnt fight it. even though i may have wanted to in principle, i decided it was really like God telling me that it was time to leave there. i've been unhealthy, unhappy, and exhausted there and it was time to move on. she told me i could only keep taking my days off for another month, and i got the impression that she thought after that i would suddenly start working every day like everyone else. for the last month or so they have been working mostly seven days a week, sometimes six. yeah right!!! that AND go to school???? you've got to be kidding me. so i told her in a month i would find another job. looking for a job was hard.... i got my hopes up so many times after interveiws and stuff and then id never get calls back. but finally last week i found a job at a department store in the mall, which starts on Monday, which is good because yesterday was my last day at the old place. so its back to a more or less normal life now!! im so excited. the only big bummer is ill have to work christmas eve probably and thats a big day with my family. i guess someday you have to grow up though... even though it sucks. anyway last night was my last day at work and it was really cute, the other QA people got me a cake and they passed around a card for me that everyone signed. all night people kept coming up to me and wishing me luck, saying everyone would miss me. a lot of them were people that never even talked to me. it felt really good to think maybe i did make an impression on some people. some of them said it was just nice to see me there always smiling. it really did feel good.
school's been going well, i got As on all my midterms.... like really good As. 4th out of 112 people on my science midterm, 100% on my spanish midterm, and an A on my Political Science midterm.... which the teacher photocopied my answer for the essay question then handed it out to everyone as an "example of an excellent essay question answer." Needless to say i'm more than a little stumped about how i could possibly have goten such great grades while working so much and never sleeping but i truly think im one of those people who does their best work under stress, even though it's really not very healthy for me.
Then there's Adrian. oh gosh i miss him so much. i wish i could just go live with him instead of waiting for him here. sometimes i wonder if i can even handle it, and if so for how long. i get more and more depressed every day. i mean, i'm already lonely here. i have like two friends. and then to add on top of it the fact that im MARRIED to someone that far away.... it can be really painful. anyway, all i can do is wait i guess.
ok im going to bed because suddenly i got really sleepy and i have a massive headache. i hope to fix my webpage soon because i realize there are like five months built up on this page. sorry.
|thursday, december 9th, 2004. 10:38pm
So I got that job at the bank that i applied for. thank goodness because the department store job was NOT working out. They had to do a rushed training, 3 hours instead of 16, in order to get us ready for the after thanksgiving sales, for which all we did was go around the store refolding things and putting them away. but even that we didnt do right because no one ever told us how to do it right. then my second day working they stuck me all alone in the lingerie department, with no one to help me. when i would call for help no one would come. it was a horrible stressful day and i felt so bad for the customers that had to deal with me. The worst part was my "supervisor" girl who would come by every once in awhile and, calling me "hon" would point out all the things i hadnt done, when i hadn't known that i had to do them in the first place because no one had ever told me. needless to say i was pretty fed up by the end of the day. i went home and told my parents about my horrible day and my mom got all in my face about how im never happy with anything and i went into the other room and just started crying. then she felt bad and she and my dad tried to make me feel better. that week i was only scheduled five hours so i knew i had to start looking for another job. luckily i got a call back from the bank that week. i almost didnt take that job though because i had to drop two classes i really wanted to take in order to be available for the job. but i decided i better take it, so i did. so anyway the job at the bank is fine and the people are nice. so hopefully ill be there for awhile. man i hope adrian gets here soon im so lonely.
|friday, january 7th., 2005. 10:06am
so christmas vacation wasnt much of a vacation at all. the bank had me working full time since i didnt have class and i was training and i stayed at the department store until the week of christmas. one week i worked 57 hours and my feet were so sore from walking around and standing so much that i was limping by christmas. all i did was pretty much work and sleep... on new years eve i went to bed at like 10:30 so i could go snowboarding the next day. speaking of which it is FINALLY snowing in the mountains. i bought my season pass in november and ive just been sitting around for months waiting for there to be snow. last weekend even though there was snow there were also a bunch of rocks and i have some nasty scratches in my board now.
anyway, a few weeks ago Adrian's petition for residency was approved (yay!) so i figured it would be like any day now that he would be here. WRONG. thats when they sent his information to the National Visa Center for his VISA. so THEY sent me a letter saying i had to send them 65 bucks before they would even send me the next form to fill out, the Affidavit of Support, which causes probelms because not only is it 335 bucks to file that but i have to prove i can support him without using federal benefit programs which sucks cause i was about to apply for food stamps which i now cant do. anyway, needless to say i have to have my parents file as joint sponsors because i cant even support MYSELF above the poverty line, let alone another person. so, im not really sure how long it will take but i keep telling everyone a month or two.
the last week or so ive been kind of a basket case. im just way too overwhelmed and confused... i dont even know what i want to major in anymore. all this stress has made me get three huge zits and ANOTHER cold sore. i dont know how this started but suddenly this year i started getting cold sores and since im never very unstressed for long i cant get rid of the virus and they keep coming back. its disgusting and painful and it sucks. just two days ago i was thinking "wow its been awhile since i had a cold sore" then the very next morning i got one. gross. i bought this medicine awhile ago called abreva, which does help but its definitely no cure. it's 0.07oz... a tiny tiny tube and it cost me 17 bucks. talk about unfair.
anyway school started this week and i decided to drop to 11 credits which technically makes me a part time student because full time is 12 credits. im not that worried though cause i frankly don't care. i was signed up for 15 and i was going insane trying to figure out how i would do it when i realized the math class i was in was stupid and wouldnt count toward the math credits i need for florida so i dropped it. ive decided to take online math in the spring and summer from chemeketa. im much less stressed now that ive made that decision.
anyway, im hoping that adrian gets here soon and that my money doesnt run out before i can fly him here. wish me luck, i need tons of it.
|wednesday, january 26th, 2005. 9:58pm
well im supposed to be in bed by 10 so ill make this quick. new update: i bought a wedding dress!!! its beautiful. we're hoping to get married on july 9th. well, get married again i guess. HAVE A REAL WEDDING. im really excited but pretty stressed about the planning and money aspects of it. still, it should be a really great thing.
trista and i have been trying to exercise. we joined this "salsa aerobics" class at grant elementary school, one of the bilingual schools in salem. we're like the only white girls in there so its kind of embarassing but really fun. they all speak spanish the whole time which is fine for me but i have to translate for trista. its so fun though, and i love getting to meet new people.
i had a biology midterm today and it really sucked. i hope i do ok in school this term. its definitely better than last term but still exhausting. i always look like crap.
anyway id like to write more since its been so long but i need to go to bed. so i will write soon with some funny stories from the last two weeks.
|Friday, February 4th, 2005. 8:03pm
So i live this life of high stress and i think in a way i feed on that because the more i have on my plate, the less i think about all the bad stuff, all the stuff that's not going my way. what's dangerous is when i either have a second to relax, or when i get sooooo overloaded that i break down. so anyway i hate my job. we have to go to this thing tomorrow out at the casino. we have to be all gung-ho about banking and stuff. it's not mandatory, but we were told "we all have to be there!" so its not mandatory so they dont have to pay us but we have to go. and i thought it was bad enough that its from 2-5. and then today they spring on us that we have to meet at the bank at NOON. im so mad. so then my boss springs it on me that OH i have to go in at 815 on tuesday mornings for the staff meetings then leave and come back at 11. or i could just stay. hey, i dont want to work 35 hours a week people!!! leave me alone. i really strongly dislike my boss right now in a major way. she was so rude and neurotic today and im ready to hit someone. GAH! im going to the grocery store ill continue this later.
|wednesday, april 6, 2005. 1054 pm
i haven't written in two months because there's nothing to say. really i cant even believe it's april already. i thought adrian would absolutely be here by march. i told everyone march thinking january or february really. well, obviously, he's still not here. the National Visa Center is a joke. so is the US citizenship and immigration service. its one slow step at a time, theres always something more. and now they want even more money. every time i talk about it i want to cry. usually i do cry. i've worked so hard and its like it doesn't even matter. i go day after day, week after week, and nothing changes. i get good grades and i constantly butt heads with my bosses. but it's always the same. i finish work, i go home, and i sit in my house distracting myself with sitcom reruns and tetris games. i've gained quite a bit of weight and i want to lose it, but i have no motivation. i don't really think i'm all that fat, actually. but sizes, mirrors and pictures don't lie. when i see myself i can't believe what i've become. my eyes are empty and tired, my lips are dry, and i have some big zit that keeps moving to different locations on my chin. i have stretch marks on my thighs, and a horrible double chin. my cheeks are chubby and when i smile my eyes disappear into a fat girl squint. this physical deterioration only extends to my surroundings. my house is a mess and i just dont care. same with my car.
anyway, the reason i haven't written is that i hate all this whining i do. i know i have become completely self-absorbed. i guess it's just that when you feel this desperate, this helpless, this alone..... you feel like it's ok to just sit around and pity yourself. usually i don't even want to get out of bed. i hate my stupid sense of responsibility. i wish i could just lie in bed all day.
|tuesday, april 19th, 2005. 10:21pm
i really think i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. really. im consumed with the need to just leave everything. ideally, leave this location would be nice. but even if i were to just stay in my house and leave everything outside of it. just sit here and cry. and continue to lose hope....
every time i think we're close to adrian being here i find out we're not. it's just not fair. i feel like a whiny child, but it's true. i don't know what i did in my life to deserve this. All i wanted to do was be married to the guy i love. I don't understand why for me that has to require so much suffering for me. No one else has to go through all this. well, ok not most people. it's painful to be this self-absorbed. i really dont know how much longer i will last before i absolutely lose it. in a way i think ive lost it already. sometimes i just burst into sobs for the weirdest reason. any small problem becomes a crisis.
damn. this is why i stopped writing. all i do is whine until i start crying.