thursday, july 3rd. 2003.  11:59pm
well it's been almost a week since i wrote... but this time i at least have an excuse.  my friend rose has been in town visiting since sunday.... so i really just didin't have time to write, between trying to show her around and working.  i have a new job at an arcade, where i work 10-13 hour shifts.  luckily that makes it so i only work like 3 days a week.  however, i've kept my other job serving meals at the retirement home, which means i only got monday and wednesday off this week.  oh also i'm going to the Vans Warped Tour on sunday with amy.  i just decided that 30 bucks wasn't that much to pay for a tour that has awesome bands like Rancid, The Ataris, Less Than Jake, Dropkick Murphys and Pennywise, JUST TO NAME A FEW...  i'm wo pumped!!!!  so anyway, even though i'm working a ton this week, that does mean i'm actually making money and keeping myself busy for a change.  and i actually have stuff to write about now.... it's  a miracle!  haha. 

lets see.  the more i realize how over arizona is, the better i feel about my ability to realize what kind of situations aren't healthy for me..... and the more i do appreciate other situations.  i feel myself liking forrest more every time i talk to him.  the whole communicating on a mature level really works for me.  it's hard  though because sometimes i feel like i'm not putting in enough effort.... but for me i like just watching this grow slowly.  that's definitely something i've never done before.  i'm thinking that however inconvenient this whole being far apart during the summer may be.... it might be a good way to force it to grow slowly... which i kind of like.  i know i was really excited about arizona, and really heartbroken when it didn't workk.... but i kind of believe in destiny.... i believe that the right situations will present themselves to lead to where your destiny should be.  and obviously thee proper situations to direct me to arizona did not present themselves.  so in a way i think it was God telling me to avoid another bad situation.  i seem to get myself into those often.  so now maybe i'll slowly get myself into a good situation for a change.  who knows.
saturday, july 5th, 2003.  9:44pm
i started working at an arcade this week.  they made me take out my nose ring (i put in a little plastic retainer to hold the place), and they make me dress really nice and i have to wear nice closed toed shoes that hurt my feet after standing around for 10-13 hour shifts.  but really it's not that hard of a job, not too physically or mentally demanding or anything, and at least i'm finally working, right?  also i've worked a lot this week at the retirement home, so i'm almost working full time.  yay!  and tomorrow, i'm going to the Vans Warped Tour in Portland with amy and coral.  i'm SOOOO pumped, you have no idea!!!  Less Than Jake, Rancid, Pennywise, Dropkick Murphys, Simple Plan, the Ataris, the Suicide Machine, JUST TO NAME A FEW!!!!   im so pumped!!!!  gah!!!!  so anyway yeah, things are going ok.  as for the whole emotionally screwed up and confused thing.... that hasn't changed.  but what can ya do?  sometimes that's how things are.
monday, july 7th, 2003.  9:23pm
ok, let me just say, the Warped Tour was AWESOME.  it was everything i expected and more!!!  i LOVE the feeling of being so close to the stage and so squished by the crowd that i can barely jump up and down as much as i want to and just struggling to stay on my feet and to keep the crowd surfers from kicking me in the head.  its such an adrenaline rush.  probably my 3 favorites were the ataris, rancid, and simple plan.  oooh and some bands had really cute guys in them.  the bass players are always the hot ones.  the hot bass player from Rufio (Jon Berry) signed my shirt at the end of the concert.  i almost had a heart attack.  he was so cute!  and he touched me!  haha.  i had a great time, i went with Amy and Coral and they are great concert people, definitely helped me get into it.  afterward we stopped at taco bell and i ate so much.  i got the most exercise of my life i think doing all that jumping and everything. 

on a different note... my love life (or lack thereof) certainly hasn't become any less confusing.  it seems that maybe now i am getting my chance to see where things can go with the guy i thought i ruined everything with.  but i'm still kind of nervous about letting myself get into a potential long distance relationship.  because well i swore those off.  but i just like him so much and i can't get him out of my head.  why not at least give it a shot?  the hard thing was telling forrest i can just be friends with him.  i dont think i hurt him but i just always dread disappointing people.  and i really do care what he thinks.  so yeah.  that was hard.  but yeah we'll see where this goes and hopefully i don't' get hurt in the process.  it happens often you know.
wednesday, july 9th, 2003.  7:45pm
damn.  sometimes i really wonder what posesses me to make the decisions that i make. right now i'm trying to remember my newfound laid-back-ness.  but when it comes to matters of the heart i have to admit that i'm not champion with being laid back.  "going with the flow" consists of a patience that i just don't posess when it comes to this.  why is that?  anyway,  i'm beginning to question myself which is dangerous... after all it's only been a few days, what have i expected?  what do i expect anyway?  i wish i could find a guy that would go to the ends of the earth for me.  not that i would ever follow a guy... but it would be great to find one that loved me so much that he'd follow me.  look at me now i'm just rambling.  i'm so discouraged though.

12:57am
fuck.  what the hell was i thinking.  how could he do this to me?  i'm so astounded by the whole thing.  for someone who basically told me the only way to get my chance with him was to show him i care by commiting to him.... who got so angry when i made out with another guy.... to say that i'm way too attached and that it's freaking him out that i'm commiting to him... WHAT THE FUCK??  oh my gosh!  i'm so done with this bullshit.  i seriously can't believe i always want the guys who treat me like i'm worthless.  i hate this i hate him i hate following my heart.
saturday night, july 12th, 2003.  1:16am.
yesterday i worked 11am to midnight, i came home and slept, got up, and went back to work again at 1pm and worked till midnight again.  tomorrow morning i have to leave at 7 for work at the retirement home, work till 2:30pm, then work at the arcade from 7 to midnight.  im so worn out.  at least i'm making money though. 

today on my break i went to get gas.  i swear every time i go a gas station i get hit on.  it doesnt matter which one, i always get some guy that will like stand outside my window while the gas pumps, saying "so... what kind of music do you like...?"  or "so what do you think of the weather?"  it's so freaky.  but yeah, today was the funniest.  i asked for $10 of regular and he wrote it down and looked at me as he handed me the slip of paper said "your eyes are SO beautiful."  i was like "oh...thanks."  i went in to pay and came back out and he had waited to hand me my keys and said "i know i look horrible, but do you think i could get your number?"  i said "um, not today but maybe ill come back for gas later."  i was flattered, but there's something really shady about guys at the gas station who have perfected their hitting-on-random-girl tactics.  so yeah gas stations really suck.

chris got married today.  can you believe it?  wow.  but i wasn't invited.  jerk.  haha oh well.  i forgive him.
sunday night, july 13th, 2003.  12:33am.
today i experienced one of the downfalls to working at a retirement home.  when i got there this morning, i went into the office to write on my time card, and as i came out i glanced at the board that lists the day's activities.  it read "Sunday:  Worship Service--Memorial Service for Paul Bale."  my heart jumped in my throat.  The fact that i actually could put a face to the name was terrifying.  This was the very cute old man who was awfully tall for his age.  i recognized him when i started working there because we attend the same church.  he had been sick and in the hospital last week and during the 4th of July barbecque last Saturday he came home from the hospital and i had to go let him into his room because he didnt have his keys.  honestly i've never been close to anyone who has died.  the only person i know who has died is my grandma and although her death was really sad especially for my dad and grandpa, i had seen her suffering for so long that i felt at peace knowing that she wasn't suffering anymore.  although Paul Bale was obviously quite old, and had even been pretty sick, i never saw that same suffering and maybe that's why it struck me so hard.  the grinning guy who waited patiently in the hallway outside of his door while he waited for someone to let him into his room is suddenly just NOT here.  it's bizarre to me.  i think i have never really dealt with death, which is interesting.  if i feel so bothered by the death of an elderly man whom i hardly knew, imagine if someone really close to me dies!  agh!  i'm lucky to have never had to deal with death.... but now i feel abnormally maladjusted. 
wednesday, july 16th. 2003.  11:22pm
i've been on such a weird schedule lately.  but i feel like i''ve been sleeping enough and everything, but i'm just so sleepy all the time!  it's weird.  i have things to do, but all i want is to take naps.  but i guess i get to sleep in a lot so its ok....right?

things are weird right now.  i can't explain it.  i just don't feel like anything is...right.   my heart feels funny, and sometimes i just feel like crying for no good reason.  it feels weird. 
thursday night, july 17th, 2003.  1:16am
i just realized my library book is now overdue.  i should return it tomorrow.  i already have 5 dollars in fines.

tonight i worked 6 to midnight.  it was interesting.  this group of like 4 mexican guys came in, one works at Muchas Gracias, one didnt know english at all, one not so well.  i told them i could speak spanish but they didnt believe me.  when i found out the one guy didnt know any english i said "why didn't you tell me?"  the guy i was working with, Kyle said "well it's not like you exude the 'i speak spanish' thing."  ok he had a point.  but so then i just started talking to them in spanish, telling them where i learned it and stuff.  then they believed me.  then this one guy stuck around after his friends had left and said "�ey Nicole, cuantos tickets necesito para ti?"  which means "how many tickets do i need for you?"  i laughed but then he talked to me forever... "�cuando sales? y cuando viene tu novio por ti?" "when do you leave, and when is your boyfriend coming for you?" hahahaha smooth, no?  but it was fun and i got to practice my spanish.  i have to say that i have an unhealthy thing that makes me attracted to latinos just because they are latinos.  but oh well its no big deal.  at least i feel attractive for today, right?
saturday night, july 19th, 2003.  12:42am.
oh man what a weekend.  im working a ton this weekend, but what makes it especially bad is my current emotional state.  i ran out of medicine about a weeke ago and as much as i'd love to say i haven't noticed the difference, i have in a big way.  i completely overreat to everything, my self esteem decreases by the second, and i constantly feel like crying for no reason.  i hate that i have to rely on medicine but what else can i do?

ok now considering my current emotional state and the fact that i worked 17 hours today after only 4.5 hours of sleep.... imagine hearing that right after i started working at the arcade, two of the guys that i work with said i look retarded when asked how i had done my first few days.  talk about wanting to burst into tears.  it really hurts because it's like all of my insecurities about the size, shape and proportions of my facer were just totally brought to life.... and i know i shouldn't care what they think, but i do.  especially since i have come to think of one of those guys as a friend at work because he's really cool.  it just hurts to hear the things people can say about me.  i'm not going to waste time dwelling on it (at least i'll try not to) but the whole thing just makes me feel like crap.  really.

today at work i went to help a hispanic couple with a game that had jammed coins, and when i asked the girl how many coins she had put in she stared at me blankly and asked her boyfriend, whose english was pretty poor, what i had said.  instead of repeating myself for him i just asked her again in spanish.  she looked pretty relieved, so i helped them the rest of the time they were there, like with trading in their tickets and stuff, and i spoke in spanish the whole time.  it was really cool.  maybe i'll build up my confidence with my spanish again.  damned guatemalans and chileans ruined it all for me.
sunday, july 20th, 2003.  8:43pm
i am in the midst of forming my political opinions and beliefs and it is taking longer than i would like.  the problem for me is that this goes beyond deciding whether or not i want to be a democrat or a republican.  i have been looking at communism because the whole concept greatly appeals to me.  i am looking for the parts that i agree with, as well as the parts i reject.  i suppose i don't know all that communism is because i haven't read the Communist Manifesto, but hopefully i will soon.  right now i am reading a book about Che Guevara and it describes a lot about the history of communism in the western hemisphere, and especially the U.S.'s part in intevening in communist movements all over latin america.  honestly i find it fascinating but now i just want to know more.  i am certain that i will disagree with aspects of it, but what i am really after is forming my own unique political beliefs and a way in  which to implement them in society.  i'm not necessarily talking revolution, but i would like an opportunity to show others my way of thinking.  but first i have to figure out what i believe!  the social equality found in communism is what really interests me, because i hate seeing the imbalance between classes, even in the U.S. but especially in third world countries.  i would really like to see wealth distributed more evenly in society.... even though capitalists see it as unfair... and to some degree it is a thing very difficult to implement because... how can a doctor make the same as a fast food employee?  why, then, educate yourself?  it's hard to take away the natural greed of human nature.  for me, if i was a doctor and made very little, i'd be totally cool with that if my education, healthcare, food and shelter were provided by the government.  i dont know.  it's a very interesting and complex topic.  i hope to learn a lot more about it when i study in cuba next spring (YAY!)  but forming my own solutions is proving rather difficult to accomplish in one summer.  oh man.  now that i've written this and posted on the internet that i like communism, the CIA and FBI will have files on me and follow me around.  eeek.
thursday, july 24th, 2003.  10:05am
this week i work 40 hours.  but since i asked for 3 days off, they crammed all my hours into four days, which would be ok if they weren't all in a row.  so i got one 5 hour day, one 10 hour day, and two 13 hour days. so yeah, im tired.  but just one more day left, then i get to leave for 3 days!  i'm going up to moscow/pullman to visit forrest and check out some apartments.  i'm really excited to hang out with him again, but i'm probably most excited about meeting his mom.  i'm weird, huh?  i get along with moms really well for some reason.  i talked to her on the phone once while we were in seattle, she sounded exactly like me, talking a ton and telling complete strangers more than they wanted to know.  i think i've found a soulmate hahaha.  anyway, this weekend should be really fun, but a little stressful with the whole apartment thing.  plus i have to take care of a whole bunch of stuff with the school while i'm there because the international programs office screwed up some of my application for cuba.  anyway, it will get fixed im sure, and i'll have a great "vacation"!

i decided today that i won't have a problem with those people that live in excess (huge ridiculous houses and cars, expensive everything, etc.) when everyone else in the world has their needs met and are living comfortably.  that's when excess should begin.
tuesday night, july 29th, 2003.  12:49am
i had a great weekend, it was so nice to get away.  the long drive up to pullman all by myself was kind of exhausting but i had a great time with forrest, of course.  he helped me look at a couple of apartments and i picked one out, that's right next to campus like RIGHT there.  it was nice to have his second opinion also... although he seemed worried about the ants he saw in the apartment i picked.  boys are such wusses.  i also met his parents which was awesome, i totaly hit it off with them.... i was surprised how comfortable i felt with them.  apparently they noticed that i like to argue with forrest.... but i can't help it, his conservative values drive me insane hehe.  i really do like him, i know that i feel like something's there.... but there's something missing and that worries me.  we've decided to start the school year as just friends, nothing more... which honestly i'm not convinced will happen, but i think it's probably the best decision.  its so much harder to move backwards in a relationship than it is to start slowly.  oh well.  it will all get figured out eventually.  and i still had an awesome time with him this weekend.

being in the Moscow/Pullman area made me realize how much i miss being at school, and how much i miss my friends.  we ran into my friend James while we were on campus and seeing him brought back so much.  i can't wait to go back so i can have my own life again and actually have friends.  it feels like i have no friends in salem.  it's not really my high school friends' faults that they never call me, cause i never call them.  i think i feel like i don't fit in with them anymore, i'm not in on all of their "happenings" at the state schools in oregon or all the gossip about everyone we went to high school with, or the girls in their sororities.  i dunno.  how did i change this much in one year?  anyway, i'm sure as soon as i get back to moscow i will want to get away from it, and i will remember that i don't really fit in there either.  i don't understand why someone as individual as myself has this desperate need to find somewhere to belong.  i guess it just gets lonely after awhile. 

oh yes, before i forget, someone wrote in my guestbook that i always write about guys and then they are never spoken about again, and that there seems to be a new one every week. honestly that's not how it is, it's just that i don't like to talk too much about guys im forming relationships with on my webpage because i think i like to keep my feelings to myself until im sure about them.  i'm working on that, but that's the reason im so vague when it comes to guys.  just for the record.
wednesday, july 30th, 2003.  1:33am.
i'm dying inside.  i miss the kids at hogar so much.  it hurts to feel this way.  i love them all so much and i love being there, and i just long to go and tell them that i haven't forgotten them, nor will i ever forget them, and that i will always come back to show them how much i care.  i hate money.  if i had earned money over the school year i would have been able to go.  but my laziness and stupid dedication to stupid humberto made me lose track of the important things i wanted to do this summer.  honestly i half thought my parents would want to pay for it... or at least be willing.  but i should have known, they treat me like an adult when it's convenient.  i don't expect them to shell out that kind of money for me now, but it would have been nice if they had.  i can't blame anyone but myself for not having the opportunity to go back this summer.  i just hope i can go back soon.  i would like to go for a couple weeks during christmas break.  but with cuba coming the only way i can see that is if i win the lottery.  so we'll see i guess. 

i worked all day today... 13 hours.  it gets long after awhile.... and i get lost in thought.  and the thoughts i had today were ridiculous and mostly just pissed me off.  i was thinking about would i put up with a relationship with humberto now that i have realized how fucked up ours was.  and of course my answer is only if he'd changed dramatically.... and that's something i pretty sure won't happen.  the way he treats his friends as opposed to girls wont change because that is part of his culture.  thats something i have to remember next time i decide to have a  boyfriend.  im kind of pissed at him for ruining relationships for me.  as much as i'd love to have a boyfriend right now, i'm so.... suspicious and afraid of being treated badly again.  i dont want to be treated like shit.  i dont deserve it.  but when will i get what i deserve? 

screw it.  screw guys.  i'm too busy for them right now anyway.  i'm working constantly and the only other thing i have time for is sleeping.  it's not like i'm going to meet any dreamboats here anyway.  i'll wait till school starts again.... and maybe even then i'll just focus on school.  i'm going to petition to take 21 credit hours this semester.  forrest and i will start the year off as friends and go from there.  maybe he'll be the one, maybe not.  maybe i won't find a "one" which may be good since my impending trip to Cuba would complicate things.  my mind has been on overload lately and its time to just stop thinking.  really.
July 2003
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