| sunday, june 8th, 2003. 10:34am it's certainly been awhile, hasn't it? the sad thing is there's not much news. I've been telemarketing for a week. i've only made one sale and i'm going to quit if i can ever find another job. on wednesday my supervisors were yelling as usual and it just made me feel crappy.... it feels like every 5 seconds they're telling me i'm doing something wrong and they'll yell at you across the whole room. this one supervisor was REALLY bothering me. she's a very big, loud, blunt woman. anyway, they sent THEIR boss to come coach me because my talk time was too low. He sat down and said "well, you're new right? this is like your... 3rd day?" and i burst into tears. haha i felt so bad for the guy. i told him i really just wanted to switch teams so i wouldnt have my yelling supervisors anymore. he made me come outside with him and talk to him and my main supervisor. they said its against company policy for me to switch teams and told me i need to be more tough-skinned and they'll try to be more "personable." pretty much it was a load of bull but they had to do something to get me calmed down, i was like SOBBING uncontrollably, i couldnt even help it. the only thing that has really changed is that one of my supervisors was promoted to a different team so now there aren't as many people yelling. i would love to quit, but i can't until i get a new job, and i don't know if i'll EVER get a new job!! anyway, i'm going to go, my allergies are killing me. |
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| Wednesday, June 11th, 2003. 5:22pm. on monday i quit my job. that same supervisor that yelled at me before.... she had it out for me. she started going off on me for talking to the guy next to me, saying that was why my talk time was so bad that day, and when i tried to explain that i really wasnt feeling well she wouldnt even listen she just sent me into the head managers office so she could hunt him down and have him listen to our argument while she called me insubordinate and constantly told me to "correct my attitude." it was kind of the last straw, i just was so sick of taking her shit.... and that work environment was just horrible. so i quit. pretty irrational decision though.... cause now i regret it. my parents are riding my ass just like before and i feel like ill never find a job. sometimes i wonder what the hell i was thinking coming back here. but its not like i had tons of options. anyway, the job search continues. |
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| friday, june 13th, 2003. 10:31pm oooh man i need to get another job. im going to go crazy. i hate just sitting around all day. i'm trying to think of something interesting to say. i splurged 3 dollars on some Ben and Jerry's frozen yogurt tonight. I'm still feeling the guilt. i'm going to seattle for the first time a week from today. yay! i can't believe i grew up in salem and i've never been to seattle. i think that would be a good place to live someday. at least it seems that way. maybe i should go there first. anyway, i really don't have anything to say right now, but i wanted to show i'm still alive... |
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| wednesday, june 18th, 2003. 8:08pm why do things happen the way they do?? over the last few days i totally fell for a guy that lives in Arizona. just my luck, right? i want to get out of my house for the rest of the summer anyway, and a big part of me thinks i should just go finish my summer in arizona. i never do spontaneous things like that, though. i wish i was more spontaneous. i wish i would actually go do that. i mean, i'm not about to change the things that are important to me for a guy. it's not like i want to change schools. i want to get out of my house anyway. oh well it doesnt matter. if things are supposed to work out, they will, and the right situations will present themselves. but im not holding my breath. anyway, besides that there's not much. i'm going to seattle for the first time ever this weekend with forrest. i think it will be interesting, although i feel bad because the point of this weekend was kind of to just get to know eachother better and see if there could be something there. but obviously it's too late for me. oh well. at least we'll go and have a good time as friends. as for everything else, it's about the same. except my parents have dropped the whole pretending to recognize that i'm an adult and responsible for my own decisions thing. that only works if they approve of my decisions. so yeah that went out the window this weekend. that was kind of the last straw in my whole not wanting to be here thing. basically they've gotten used to my being here again and are returning to treating me like the kid they can yell at all the time. i don't have the patience for this anymore. maybe i will move to arizona if he lets me. |
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| wednesday, june 25th, 2003. 12:54pm. my birthday. i really screwed things up. i'm pretty sure it's unfixable too. at least im not aware of any way i'm supposed to be able to fix it. so i guess the whole arizona thing is out. i guess thats good since i just got a job here in salem. but i'd still drop everything to go there. the thing i really can't understand is how he can be so territorial with me even though i'm NOT his girlfriend and he's a thousand miles away. but i can understand that i hurt him, and for that i have no excuses, and i feel horrible. looks like i missed out i guess. |
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| thursday, june 26th, 2003. 6:01pm it is so freaking hot. they gave me Prednisone for my allergies last week. yeah, basically i've completely puffed up, and all my skin is really tender and sensitive... so my bra straps feel like they are bruising me. i look ridiculous. then it's so hot on top of that. i must be a real sight. but i dont care. who is there to impress anyway? i'm done with guys, that's for sure. ha, like i havent said that a million times. i feel like i'm going to always be screwing things up and since i can't even keep the ones i want, i might as well not even try anymore. so here's to nicole on her 19th birthday. |
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| saturday, june 28th, 2003. 9:42pm just now i started craving physical affection... which in itself is not a rare phenomenon for me. the thing about today is that i feel powerless... i feel alone and lonely. and the thing about just now is that when i went into my mind to crave this affection, the image--the feeling-- that came to me was that of being with humberto. this alarms me because i haven't thought of him like that in so long. i've really actually come to accept the end of that relationship. but i think it's hard... we had a perfect fit, we had so much love and passion there. maybe that's why when i really crave physical affection, i crave it in its purest form... the form that existed between humberto and me. i don't know what my rush is to replace him, to replace THAT. i'm only 19 for heaven sakes. i just want to feel that loved, that wanted again. i don't want to feel alone like this. |
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| June 2003 |