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| sunday, march 3rd, 2002. 10:14pm today it was absolutely beautiful at the mountain. i did not see a single cloud in the whole sky. i love being up at the top of Cascade Express, the highest lift, and just looking all around, everything is so amazing and beautiful. i always say that's what makes me KNOW that God exists. i had a lot of fun today, snowboarding is the one thing i can do that makes me feel like i matter, like i can actually do something and do it well. it sounds weird, but i dont think i find joy in much. but i find unlimited joy in snowboarding. it's so freeing, it makes me feel like someone else for awhile. and the mountain is so beautiful. my mom said if i come home from snowboarding in a bad mood again, i cant go anymore. this is ridiculous, i know..... but it makes me scared. its hard when the whole ride home i've been thinkin about frustrating stuff, and i pull into the driveway with a couple tears ready to pour from my eyes, but i'm supposed to go into the house and act like i'm in a good mood. ah i'm just so tired of acting. i feel like my whole life is just acting. and when i don't act, i get in trouble, or people get mad at me, or things dont work right. when i dont act, i dont know if i really even like myself. i feel like crying so often. and usually i'm not sure why. right now i just want to cry out of frustration with my life. i hate this. |
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| tuesday, march 5th, 2002. 5:31pm. well tomorrow is the big day. in 24 hours i will be in mexico with chris. i am really nervous, and not really about the trip. its just like all these what ifs in my head. what if i'm not as great as people think i am, what if i am disappointed what if he is disappointed what if i disappoint the world and it comes to an end because of me????? can you tell i am being a major spaz at the moment. i just cant help it, i'm a very high stress person. i hate that i worry so much. and i hate that i cry so much i just cry all of the time because i'm always so worried about things. i hate that. there's no reason to be crying. agh. oh well i am happy because i will be with chris soon. so no more crying for me!! |
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| monday, march 11th, 2002. 11:25pm ooooh my gosh. visiting chris was so awesome. it was just what i needed. to go and see him and make sure he's real and that he really does still love me. i had an amazing time there, spending time with him, hanging out with all the awesome people there, going to downtown ensenada, etc. i found myself unable to control how often i said "i love you." i just said it all the time i couldnt help it. i havent gotten to say it at all for the past 2 and a half months and it just felt so good to say it. the whole trip reminded me of exactly how much i love him and exactly why it is worth it to wait five months for him. oh i have so many ministories to tell but its late so i will tell them later. I AM SO IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| tuesday, march 12th, 2002. 11:58pm 2 more months. yeah not a great day. coming back down from mexico is really hard. reality sinking in is hard. two months is a really long time. and i'm going through the pain of watching people on tv kiss. agh. its so long. i know i can do it and i know why i want to do it. i just feel like agh this is never ending pain. When he and Christy had dropped us off at the airport and were leaving to get back on the bus to go home, i just started crying i couldnt help it. in that moment i knew how sad i was going to be. but i got embarrassed cause i was w/ christy's boyfriend, ray, who is 5 years older than i am, so i started feeling like a baby, and wiped off my tears and carried on and i have carried on well until about now. ooh dear. oh i love him so much and i am so excited for our future. But sometimes i just want NOW you know? and i want to go to his house everyday and do absolutely nothing and be so happy in that. it will come soon enough. i am over halfway there. i just have to look at the positive side, like chris says. |
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| wednesday, march 13th, 2002. 10:25pm ugh. i go through this a lot but i am just feeling like my life is so meaningless. you know? i sleep, i get up, go to school, hang out, go to bed, and do it all over again. nothing i do is important.... nothing has a purpose. i just do it for the sake of doing it. i dont know. life is just so empty these days. i am just waiting for it all to pass. but unfortunately BECAUSE i'm waiting for it to pass, it's passing really slowly. kinda sucks. idaho here i come. hehe. |
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| thursday, march 14th, 2002. 2:19pm i got my acceptance letter from University of Idaho today. i would rather go to Idaho State, just because of the location.... i got accepted there, too. but i have to go to University of Idaho because they have a Latin American Studies program that i'm interested in. that's the right way to make the deciision.... right? wow all this college acceptance and stuff is kind of intimidating. Its like my future is this huge mysterious THING looming in front of me. i'm excited, but scared at the same time because i have never really thought my future would come, you know? will i like college, will i remain a person that i like, will i get married???? will i really follow my dreams and go to the peace corps, even if i AM married????? its so much it amazes me how freaked out i can get about things that arent happening for awhile. i'm just so afraid that i'm going to end up settling. i just dont want to be so typical. its my worst fear!! |
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| friday, march 15th, 2002. 11:59pm ay ay ay. i am so hopelessly in love. i just like can't think about anything else but how much i love chris. i have been shopping all week for him, things he needs, things i want to give him.... i'm so cheap but i would spend all the money i have on him if i could. honestly i wish i had enough money to send him to be on staff in ensenada or tijuana this summer.... cause i know thats what would make him happy. sometimes i just get so fed up with the people who have so much excess money and just spend it on wasteful things. it sucks that so much happiness could stem from money.... but it can, and i don't think it has to be a bad thing as long as that money is used in a good and productive way. so if i somehow got money, i would love to use it to make chris happy because that's all i want. i am such a sap. |
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| saturday, march 16th, 2002. 11:59pm how random that this is the 3rd time this year that it has snowed here? usually it wouldnt even stick and it would snow MAYBE once. but no, it just keeps snowing. and the weird thing is, like a week ago, it was GORGEOUS outside. now its all cold and white. gah. today i went to one of our youth leaders, melissa's, house for youth group "girls night". it was really fun. i havent been too involved in my church lately due to some self realizations about my own religion and such, but i really do miss the people a lot! so it was fun and i got to talk to melissa and julia and emma about marriage and kids and love and all that stuff you start thinking about when you start getting older... and talking about how melissa and her husband, mitch met, and what they're going to name their baby and stuff. its just all real fun to get together and talk about all that girl stuff you know?? so yeah i was really glad we go to do that. i'm all tired now though, so i'm going to go to bed in a minute here. |
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| monday, march 18th, 2002. 5:59pm "Absence is to love as wind is to flame; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great." oh monica, always so well put. doesn't it just suck? oh well, we will get through it together. i mean, with a great quotation such as this, how could we not? stress is just relevant.... nothings really all that bad, i promise. i am so sick. my head is throbbing and my nose is stuffy and my throat is on fire. my body aches and my whole being is tired. no puedo hacer nada. i want a job that i love. none of this mall snack food business. i want to speak spanish and i want to work with kids. why don't they make jobs i like? i guess its a rule that your first job has to be in food and you have to hate it. i wouldnt hate my job if the mall actually got some business. but the only business we get is mostly people who work in the mall. 3 of the people at Big Town Hero know my sandwhich. Mini Avocado Delight on White. i feel cool. i'm a regular. this day in nicole's life is full of nice random thoughts. i hope you all could handle it. cause my life is so shocking and all. |
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| tuesday, march 19th, 2002. 10:30am did you know the word for dancing to ska music is "skanking"? interesting, huh? |
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| thursday, march 21st, 2002. 2:07pm i slept 16 hours last night. i went to take a nap around 6:00 and just kind of slept the rest of the night... and i didnt have to get up till 10:30 this morning. talk about feeling refreshed. it sucks though cause i still feel sluggish cause i'm sick, and i cant breathe. i really should work out, but you camt when you're sick, right? i'm thinking about canceling my membership at the Y if i dont start using it soon. fifteen bucks a month adds up. i'm getting really anxious about my future again. i just need to settle down and remeber that things will happen the way they're supposed to. but sometimes i just feel so helpless. i really want things to go a certain way and if they dont, i dont know what i'll do. i'm feeling so trapped right now. school is just there to keep me busy, work is the most boring thing on the planet, and my life doesnt really exist outside those two things. i dont really feel like i fit in with anyone my age anymore, even though i still enjoy a lot of my friends. i feel totally misunderstood... and i dont even feel like i know myself anymore. its really weird that i have so much time to think, yet nothing useful seems to come out of that. |
| friday, march 22nd, 2002. 11:59pm i dont know i just dont know. ay. i am just not a girl who finds it difficult to express herself. but right now i dont even really know what i want to say, how i want it to come out and what i want it to be. i can't believe what i put myself through in silence. i think i'm just too thoughtful for my own good. fairy tale. poor girl is sad and miserable. meets her prince charming. prince kisses her and instantly sweeps her off her feet. he takes her away and they are married immediately. happily ever after the end. i wonder what that means. i wonder why i just thought to write that. i mean think about it. i just outlined a whole bunch of different fairy tales and they are all the same. i know what its like to be swept off my feet. but they forgot something. i dunno maybe its just me. but life is never that simple. i would loooooove a simple life, i really would. and someday i hope to have one. but i have to do what i need to do so i can get to a place where life can be simple. basically that means i have to finish my education. i am deciding that i think if i get married before the end of college, i want to marry someone who will join the Peace Corps with me.... and who WANTS that same kind of life. i dont want to settle for a life in suburbia because that's what my husband wants. i want my life to be what i make it, and not the product of compromise. |
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| saturday, march 23rd, 2002. 10:02pm geez what is UP with me these days??? just whining and whining and worrying about my future. i suppose its just cause i'm really frustrated right now, having what i want my future to be.... but having absolutely NO control over it. i just want to know, you know? to know whether or not i just need to move on. i scold myself for being so negative, so cynical, but it is by nature that i am like this, so i suppose there is really nothing that i am able to do. i can change my whining though. my goodness i need to stop whining. i mean, what's it gonna do??? it's not gonna make life go my way... it's just gonna bug people. and enough people already don't like me. i really should work on that. but you know what? if people don't like me, i'm not going to lose sleep over it. cause really.... WHO CARES!!! i dont care that melissa and katie in spanish class tell my sister how much they don't like me. they're good at spanish too, but they don't love it like i do, so they dont UNDERSTAND why i do so well at it, and why the teacher likes me so much.... and that's fine cause they're just judging what they don't UNDERSTAND. and frankly THEIR OPINIONS DON'T ALTER MY LIFE IN THE SLIGHTEST. haha except i can make them really uncomfortable when i tell someone rather loudly how people in the class tell my sister how much they dislike me. hehe i'm so mean. anyway, i dont even really know how i got here, but i'm sick of being so whiny. even if that's all i want to do, i'm not going to because I CAN'T CHANGE what my future is going to turn out like. so for now i'm worrying about now, and how i feel now, and what i want for NOW. good plan? ok! 11:59pm tonight i was hangin out downstairs w/ my sister and her friends cause i was home and they're cool, except my sister... anyway, i asked krys if she had gotten gas, like in the car, you know? cause i wanted to know if i'd have to do it. she's like "huh?" and i said "did you get gas?" and her friend Courtney goes "I SURE DID FROM ALL THAT THAI FOOD!!!!" the thing is, she wasn't joking!!! she was totally serious.... she thought i was asking if my sister had gas!!! well, we all know courtney does!! |
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| monday, march 25th, 2002. 5:56pm i had to work for 5 hours today. i am so tired. but its so pretty outside i should go do something. i want to hang my hammock back up but i suppose i should wait until its a little bit warmer. i have this monster headache, like it feels like my brain has swelled to twice the size of my skull, but it's still all squeezed in there. i suppose i will go take a nap or something. staring at a computer screen really doesnt help a headache. 10:37pm well its up to the mountain tomorrow.... i hope that clears my head. there's really no point in stressing out about stuff... cause in the end there's nothing i can really change about the way things will turn out. everything can't go my way anyway. |
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| wednesday, march 27th, 2002. 7:44pm today was the first time work has gone by quickly for me. it was great. i was constantly busy w/ something so i didn't notice the four hours going by. i even stayed an extra half hour because it was so busy. and i'm not exhausted like last time which is nice. i kind of think my spring break isnt really much of a BREAK because it's so full with work and snowboarding... but i guess i chose that, so whatever. it's just like my weekends.... so busy that i never get any rest. it's kind of nice to count down to something by weeks cause then it doesnt seem as long. like there's 10 weeks till graduation, 6 weeks till chris comes home, 11 weeks till i go to mexico... that just sounds so much better, and weeks go by really quickly for me, so i'm happy. i need to be happier anyway, right? sometimes people read my website and ask me if i'm alright. thats funny. i don't mean to freak people out, i just do. |
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| saturday, march 30th, 2002. 9:29pm oh my goodness you wouldn't BELIEVE the weekend i've had. it was totally awesome and totally horrible all at the same time. its really hard because i would like to pour out my soul to this webpage, but i just can't because everyone reads it. funny how that works. honestly my relationship is in trouble. i just dont know whats wrong with me. i'm afraid and unsure, and i hate that. his blind optimism is driving me insane. i hate that it has to hurt to love him so much, and i am just at this point where i just feel so lost. and i know what i want, but it doesnt seem to be relevant to the way things are working out. and then i have other things going on here, that distract me and confuse me and make me question what i want, what i am ready for, what i want to feel like. honestly sometimes i think it would all just be easier to end it, say i'm done, i cant do this, i'm too young, i cant handle this. but it wouldnt help really. because then i would still be miserable. i can't just stop loving him. i cant believe things have to be so hard. i really can't. don't or can't notice anything/ my head is full of blur/ all i can do is watch it spin/ all i can do is think and agonize/ all i can do is nothing/ i do nothing/ at the end i am so tired/ of acting/ of playing the role/ i am supposed to play/ of being what everyone/ except me/ expects |
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| sunday march 31st, 2002. EASTER SUNDAY. 2:41pm my face is seriously going to fall off. i wanted it to get sunburned, but this is no good. there's little blisters covering most of my right cheek. my face woke me up this morning at 6. well hopefully if i moisturize well enough, my face won't fall off! |
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| MARCH 2002 |