May 2002

wednesday, may 1st, 2002. 11:25pm
i went to youth group at chris' church today since i didnt have to close at work today. it's really weird there cause everyone knows eachother really well and i dont. i know a couple people but they're not rushing to make me feel like one of the gang. i mean they're not mean or anything.... i just felt dumb. the girl that always leads singing on saturday night services introduced herself to me.... she was really nice. i honestly admire the girl. she's gorgeous and so talented and friendly... and such a good Christian. i just kind of blurted out dorkily "i've seen you sing in church, you're really good." haha oh well. i told her i was chris' girlfriend and that helped her figure out exactly who i was. there i might as well wear a sign on my head "Chris' Girlfriend". i also talked to his ex girlfriend.... she really is nice to me, she's a lot nicer to me than she has to be. i don't know if i'd be able to be as nice as she is! but i overheard her telling her friends about something sweet Chris did for her when they were going out and that was really weird for me. i mean i know that was a huge part of his life.... like almost 2 years.... but i'm feeling so insecure about our relationship right now anyway.... and i don't know it was just really weird and i almost started crying. i miss him so much. and after visiting w/ his mom tonight i kind of realize he really ISN'T going to come to Idaho with me. he hasn't said anything about it to anyone. i know he's not going to..... it just makes me so upset that whatever we do, our lives keep pulling us apart..... and all i want is to be with him. Now i kind of wonder if there's a reason i never ended up applying to OSU. cause if i had that choice right now, i would SO take it, i would SO settle on a school i don't want to go to.... just to be guaranteed that time with chris.... being able to be together. i'm horrible you're not supposed to want to change your plans for a guy! i'm a disgrace to all girls! i just wish he would make some decisions and stop telling me he's "hoping it will all work out." i don't even know what that's supposed to mean! it was good to see his mom and brother again though. i miss hanging out with that family. hey when chris is around its like my second home! ok well i'm falling asleep now so i'll go.

thursday, may 2nd, 2002. 6:39pm
last night at youth group Valerie said "You have to know what you want out of your life and make the decisions that will get you there." and i thought to myself "HALLELUIAH!!!! i'm not the only one that feels this way!!!" i think that you can't just say "here God, live my life for me, i'm just gonna sit back and see what you do." you need to ask him for guidance in those decisions you have to make! ah! finally i know how i feel!!

saturday, may 4th, 2002. 11:08pm
someone called me high maintainence (i cant spell) yesterday! can you believe that?? just cause i don't like crust on my bread. i think i am the least high maintenance person you will ever meet!!

chris' sister, missy, gave me four grocery bags full of clothes today. she said they don't fit her anymore so i could have them. it's awesome! seriously she's a really good dresser, so now i have some nice clothes! i always get freaked out on those occasions where i have to wear something nice! now i don't have to worry! it kind of feels like christmas.... or like i just got to send someone into Goodwill to find all the good stuff.... and i know who's worn them before me! it's really cool!! i really love chris' family.... they just welcome me so nicely and i love that i feel totally comfortable with them. i dont feel out of place it's so cool. it's like having extra siblings, too. lots of em!!

it's been very hard for me to sleep lately. i'm tired all day until i get in bed. actually i'm probably tired even when i'm in bed. but something keeps me awake and i hate it. i never get enough sleep! shoot that reminds me that i have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow. well it's not like i'll get any sleep right now anyway.

8 days till chris gets home. i can't wait, i'm going to explode from my excitement. this is going to be the longest 8 days of my life.

sunday, may 5th, 2002. 10:59pm. cinco de mayo.
today makes one year since i started having a website! can you even believe i have stuck with something that long? i can't believe it. i am really glad i have it though.... i need something to show people who i really am. and to get things off my chest. speaking of getting things off my chest.... i hate my boobs. i want them removed. i have already typed everything i am about to type, and i highlighted it to change the font, but i leaned forward and my stupid big chest hit the space bar and deleted everything. there is no undo button. AAAAGGGHHH. if only reduction surgery didnt cost so much!

anyway, have you ever worked super hard on something.... even something you didnt enjoy.... but just the fact that you worked so hard on it and knew you did a good job made you proud of it? that's how my research paper for college writing on "immigration from Mexico to the United States" was for me. i didnt enjoy it at all.... who DOES enjoy writing a documented research paper? no one! but i did work super hard on it, and i thought it was really good. i know i'm a good writer and i know it was a good paper. but it was only 7 pages, and it was supposed to be 8. 7 pages was all i had. i didnt't think it was a good idea to just BS a whole extra page, just to meet that guideline. 7 good pages is better than 8 mediocre pages. well, my teacher feels differently. when she pulled me aside to explain my grade she said it was an A+ paper, but since it was short i got penalized. so, you think that means like 5% off or something. nope. 20%!!! i got an 80% on my paper because of it. on my "A+" paper!! can you believe that??? just because she thinks "some professors might giive an F for failing to follow directions"!!!!! that's bull! i worked so hard on that paper and i know it was excellent. what rubs salt into the wouind is that i have one of the worst grades on that paper in the class. people who are not good writers got A's left and right. it just makes me so angry that i worked so hard for nothing. that i could have compromised my good paper and gotten a better grade! aaaghh! i am still proud of it. i know i did well, gosh darn it!!

there was going to be more but now i'm tired of typing so i'm done now! 7 days until chris gets home!

monday, may 6th, 2002. 10:03pm.
i just went downstairs to get something to eat. my first choice was Chef Boyardee Raviolis. the only ones left were OLD OLD OLD leftovers. no. so then it was between really yummy ice cream and cottage cheese. what did i pick? cottage cheese. my issues with my weight are driving me insane. i have gained a lot of weight. nothing fits. and i havent really made any effort to exercise either. but i still am obsessed with how fat i feel and how jealous i feel of people who are skinny. it's kind of bad. if only i didnt love food so much! i really just don't know what could make me be comfortable with myself (besides an eating disorder). i just know that i have the genes to be overweight... and that's the thing i'm most afraid of. i guess i'm just afraid that if i'm fat i won't be lovable. that's so irrational and i should know better than that. but i dont i guess.

wenesday, may 8th, 2002. 3:20pm
i am so amazed at my ability to be a complete moron sometimes. and of course it's only like months later that i can realize how moronic i've been. but it almost makes me feel better. i don't know. i'm so wacko sometimes that i wonder why anyone keeps me around. it's just so funny to think back to like a couple months ago and what i was going through then and think "WHAT WAS I THINKING? why was that even an issue?" it's weird how perspective changes as you get older. i mean there's the obvious..... like obviously as seniors we have a whole new perspective of our lives as freshmen. but who would think that within in a MONTH my whole perspective on a situation could change? i think it's kind of cool. it means that i'm really almost ready now. i can't believe that in a month from sunday i am going to be out of oregon practically for good. 2 months in Chiapas, a week back home, and then Idaho for a year. wow! i feel like my whole life is moving at lightning speed and i just need to catch up! AP test friday, college writing presentation monday, chris comes home monday!! prom next saturday, little stink the next!! aaaah! wow. this whole month is going to be like a dream.

friday, may 10th, 2002. way too late at night.
weird coincidences have been happening lately. i don't know if i'm just paying more attention or what. First, yesterday after work i grabbed two cookies, thinking that my family or i could enjoy them after dinner or what not. then, while i was driving home i suddenly realized i had gotten on Hawthorne to get to Market which i have recently decided against doing when i get off at 5:00 because i usually end up sitting in traffic on Hawthorne for about three or four lights until i get my chance to turn. So as i was driving down Hawthorne i thought "huh, i wonder why i didnt go the other way." i was kind of miffed but i didnt really care that much, it was just from habit was what i figured. then as i approached the light, the man with the cardboard sign that i had seen on Tuesday over on Lancaster. He was walking down the sidewalk past all the stopped cars holding up his sign. the spelling was wrong. i had really wanted to give something to him on tuesday but all i had was this little tiny package of Mexican marshmallow cookies, and he never came close enough to my window. Without a second thought, i unbuckled and rolled down my passenger side window. i grabbed the bag with two cookies in it and as he approached i held them out the window. "Thank you," he said, with an almost confused smile on his face. i noticed that although he looked very ragged, he looked like he had a good heart. i dont know. i guess i think all people are really good somewhere in there. "You have a good night," he said. "Thanks, you too," I said and i sat back down. it's funny. people say there are no selfless acts and i suppose they are right. because i did get something out of that. it's a really good feeling to know that maybe i could brighten someone's day just a little, you know? i was still waiting for the light and as i watched him walk back to his backpack as he ate one of my cookies, i just felt good. Mrs. Fields cookies are good. i can't imagine what it would be like to be starving and to suddenly get two fresh, warm cookies. i dont know. That's one coincidence i'm glad i encountered!

the other coincidences arent as good as that. the first one is that last night as i was driving home from julias (why do all my coincidences happen while i'm driving?) i was thinking about the time when i was little that there was a dead opossum on the side of our road and i was convinced it was playing dead and i spent an hour trying to get it to get up and go away because i didnt want it to get hit by a car. ok weird, but i was a weird little kid and the whole thought of death was a big issue with me. So then i turn onto my road and i see two eyes glowing in the dark and as i get closer, it's a darned opossum walking along RIGHT THERE, in the same place my dead childhood opossum was!! is that not weird? and then tonight i was driving down liberty and i saw and noticed, for the first time, the Deer Crossing sign. i thought to myself "i wonder if people even pay attention to signs like that... i mean, i rarely see deer out here, i wonder how often there actually ARE deer." then about a mile later my heart almost leapt out of my chest when i was caught off-gaurd by the sillhouette of a deer standing on the side of the road. ok, that's weird, isnt it?? are all the animals out to freak me out or something?? maybe i'm psychic! that would be awesome!

I took my AP Euro exam today. i hope i got at least a 3 so i can get some credit for that class in college. it was such a long test. i need to bring my reading glasses to things like that. i STILL have a headache! i think the whole idea of having to pass a test for credit is a headache. not just a headache, either, but a big hole in my (or my parents') pocket. 78 bucks and there's a chance of failing!! that's entirely unfair in my opinion! what ever happened to that whole "free education" thing? is that only for the people who aren't smart enough to take AP classes? oh well, i shouldnt complain, that's the only one i'm in and i'm not sure if i belong there!!

saturday, may 11th, 2002. 11:59pm
well just one day left until monday! i can hardly believe that chris will be home soon! i'm so excited! i love him so much! i'm just so scared of being disappointed or something. i dont know i just feel like i have missed him so much and i'm not sure he understands that really. yeah i'm proably just being really insecure. how can i not be? i suppose i have been feeling for the past few weeks that i'm not really important to anyone. feeling worthless is a really good way to become insecure! sometimes it just feels like no one gives a damn about my feelings, what i have to say, or who i am as a person. that's super discouraging. i know i'll snap out of it soon.... i just wish it would happen sooner than later!

MONDAY MAY 13TH, 2002. late at night!
CHRIS IS HOME!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!! haha. yeah it was a long time coming but i am SO excited that he's finally home! i went to the airport w/ his family (mom, dad, brother, 2 sisters, 2 neices, and one brother in law) in a 15 passenger van. it was really fun, i'm starting to relax around them a little bit which is awesome but at the same time really really really scary because i have one of those personalities that most people either like or really don't like. which is fine, cause i can't please everyone. but i so desperately want to please his family! they're awesome, i feel relally comfortable around them. and chris' older niece thinks i am SO cool. haha. when i was 6 i thought any teenage girl was AMAZING. i think the thing i like about her is that she reminds me so much of me as a child! anyway, we got there an hour early, sat around and ate, then waited for chris to come (we figured the people with the sunburns and tans were from the San Diego flight). haha, when i finally saw him, my stomach did flipflops, i was so nervous, i didnt know what to do or say. it's just weird with the WHOLE family there, i didnt want to hog him or anything! they brought him a whole bunch of balloons too! it was really cute! anyway, i spent the whole night with chris and his family and i am just beyond happy right now. i'm exploding just so everyone knows! i'm going to bed now, but i dont know if i'll actually fall asleep!!!

Thursday, May 16th, 2002. 5:58pm

DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

"Again I Go Unnoticed"

So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation
exhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?

Close lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.

I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye
won;t be the only way you'll look at me then.

sunday, may 19th, 2002. 1:13pm
i don't know. maybe it's me. that could be it. there's sometthing wrong with me. i just can never be happy. i don't really know what i'm supposed to do. i don't know what WOULD make me happy, you know? sometimes i just think that my life is un-necessarily difficult. why is that? i was thinking in church today.... i know God has a plan. and that my life is ruled by that plan. but sometimes it just feels like He's just trying to hurt me. does that make sense? i think i really need a chance to look at how i view myself. what i think of myself. i need more confidence, i need to not be dependent on other people. i need the things that happen in other peoples' lives to not affect me like they do. i have to separate. i guess it's a good thing, then, that i'm going to Chiapas for the summer. otherwise, i dont know. i will be so separated from my entire world there. Hogar will BE my entire world and that is almost like a dream to me. i'm so glad i'm going down there. it will be so great to surround myself with people who love me unconditionally. and who dont' play mind games, and who are grateful just for my presence. i'm going to come back here with so much love in me.... i hope Hogar changes my life even more than it already has this summer. i would die for those kids.

11:28pm

"this is what i think, but i think you are just letting things happen, and if you want them to happen the way you want you need to do soemthing about it"

yeah, that's probably about right. but now i dont even know what there is to do about it. so i'll continue letting life happen to me for awhile.

went to chris' brother in law's hockey game tonight. that was really fun. i really like chris' sister a lot. it's like finally getting to have an older sister. it was seriously below freezing in that place. i could see my breath! it wouldn't have been that bad except i'm getting sick. my throat is now killing me! ay caramba! i think i wouldnt be sick if i wasn't so stressed. i've come to believe that i will always be stressed no matter what... because everything is stressful in SOME way! maybe i'll get some quality sleep tonight. anyway, today was good, better than usual. thank goodness.

monday, may 20th, 2002. 4:49pm
oh i am so sick. i just feel gross. i'm just sitting around my house doing laundry right now. its kind of a refreshing change. it's so hot in here i feel like someone decided to crank the heat up to like 200 degrees. AND my head hurts, AND my stomach hurts. maybe i have the flu. probably not. oh someone shoot me now. what a great start to my great week, eh?

11:04pm
yes yes yes. i know i have something to say i really do. i think it's a matter of having so much to say that nothing will come out. i must say it is quite difficult to portray the tragially personal events of my life on the internet.... because i am not about to spill the thoughts that overwhelm me on the internet if i am not going to share them with the people they regard. i suppose that's a matter of respect for people. but oh, sometimes i wish my 3 readers could share in my misery. i suppose reading about my depressed little adventures could get old after awhile. but i really can't help what i feel. desafortunamente. es importante que yo este contenta porque nadie quiere leer de mi vida triste.

wednesday, may 22nd, 2002. 10:53pm
yes i have to take care of business soon. i just want to get better first. it's easier to have an emotional conversation when you're not sniffing and coughing every five seconds. and when your head isnt pounding from your stuffed sinuses and your ears arent plugged. i'm sure you get the picture. so it's difficult, and i'm still upset, but it's hard to focus all my energy on being upset when i can't breathe or think straight. "things will get better this won't last forever" thats a line from a song. i cant remember who its by though. i'm thinking maybe Makeshift3 but i'm not sure. i should figure that out. ok i'm in a lot of pain right now so its bedtime.

friday, may 24th, 2002. 10:20pm
i'm tired of hearing that everything will work out. i'm tired of believing it. i know and trust that everything happens for a reason. but that doesn't mean i understand it. i just feel like i'm falling apart. I'm not in control of anything. i think that i have done such a good job at hiding my emotions that i have hidden them from myself.... because i no longer cry that much. i just think and struggle a lot. i don't have the answers and i have no one to turn to in order to find them. hopeless.

monday, may 27th, 2002. 10:54pm
YAY! i finally got this damned thing working again!.... yes, i said damn.

i have had a very memorable Memorial Day weekend. in good and bad ways. we'll focus on the good ways, shall we? Saturday i went to Little Stink, (a concert in portland.... this year's bands were Good Charlotte, Adema, Unwritten Law, Mest, and Simple Plan) which was awesome. i went with like 8 of my friends and we had a blast. i mean, i did have my rocky moments (its very hard for me to be happy-go-lucky for extended periods of time), like when i lost my friends and started crying. i really wasnt crying about losing them.... it was just one of those things where it's like the LAST STRAW.   like life really is just here to screw me over. but besides that, we had an awesome time, and being there in the pit feeling like you're scared to death is so invigorating and it's such a rush. i seriously loved it. the bands were awesome too. we went to Whosong and Larry's afterward to unofficially celebrate my birthday 1 month early since i'll turn 18 while i'm gone. that was fun too. then yesterday, i went snowboarding w/ ryan and his friend ryan. snowboarding in summer is a really strange thing. it's just so weird to get SO warm when you're in snow. i did have a lot of fun although i was REALLY tired from the concert and just not in the mood to try the jumps they were doing. it got kind of old just watching everyone else be good when i just suck and can't get better. i mean, it's not that i suck, i just can't do tricks really and that really bugs me. i didnt KNOW stuff like you're supposed to learn switch and grabs and stuff, i was just trying to go down the hill as fast as i could! maybe i should just be a speed snowboarder. anyway, yesterday made a good finale to the season. today... i don't have much to show for today. i packed some of my room and hung out w/ julia. the most memorable thing about today would be sitting on a speaker in julia's attic looking through all of her childhood stuff and listening to the rain on the roof. that was a pretty cool moment that i'll never get back.

i will not go into the bad ways that this is a memorable Memorial Day weekend. cause who cares? i know there are reasons for everything. that's really what i think. but i just know that sometimes i have to keep on having faith that God knows what he's doing cause it sure makes absolutely no sense to me. even if i never know his reasons, at least i'll know he has them.



friday, may 31st, 2002. 11:23pm
one week until graduation. scaaaaary!   i went to the oly luau tonight. its my favorite event of the year. this year it was free too! there was a free BBQ, then Honest Abe played while we ate, then the dance started. it was awesome. i really actually had a good time for once this year. i just forgot about (for the most part) the really pressing issues that are in my life right now and just had fun with my friends. thats a really nice thing to be able to do. that's why you always have to keep your friends around, i'm tellin ya!

i think i really messed up my shoulder. i noticed a few days ago that it was sore to the touch, but i thought it was just from my sunburn. but the sunburn's gone now and it's just getting worse. it feels like pressing on a bruise. and its really painful to move it for the most part (shifting while driving, wiping down tables, putting on a seatbelt). i don't have very long to get it taken care of before i leave, but it's kind of one of those things you just hope it will go away on its own. i wonder what i did? i was thinking maybe it was from snowboarding.... but i only fell a couple times and i dont remember ever falling awkwardly or painfully on my arm or shoulder... or even catching myself with them, like while landing or anything. so i really don't think it could have been that. maybe i just sleep violently? haha who knows?

know what you want and make the decisions that will get you there.

thursday, may 23rd, 2002. 1:01pm
i stayed home from school today. i slept till noon. hopefully that's good for me. i think i'll go back to sleep in awhile. i have to take some more medicine before i can fall asleep. but i seriously think the sleep is really good for me. sleep is good when you're sick.

so i've been called a "hippie" for a second time and i am starting to wonder. i dont know if i've told this story already or not. but this little kid in my spanish class.... the kind of kid who makes you think of freshmen as little kids.... he was arguing w/ me about something and said "well at least i'm not a HIPPIE!!!" what?? i was so confused. i just thought it was weird, but he just kept calling me a hippie so i was like, whatever you're a dorky little kid and you're not very nice either. but yesterday in history i was talking to Amy and Brie, and i think Amy was saying something about labels, and how she felt too in the middle, cause Brie was "preppy" and i was... well, me, and she was just in between. i told her "well apparently i'm a hippie according to that punk in my spanish class" and Brie said "yeah, i thought you were for awhile too." i was like... "WHAT.... people actually think that?" i want to know what the definition of "hippie" is to these people. you know? i always thought that it was impossible for one to "label" me, and i honestly was proud of that. i don't want to be labeled. labels are for middle schoolers. alex said i'm an "individualist". i like that word a lot better. also he pointed out that hippies do drugs. i dont do drugs. so ha, edgar. you're wrong!

MAY 2002