saturday, november 1st, 2003.  11:26pm
so apparently last night my half-assed "witch" costume was a success because a couple little kids cried when they saw me, a few wouldn't come close enough to me to get their candy and made their parents get it, and MANY of the smaller ones stared at me for a long time.  like they couldnt move on because they were so captivated by me.  i looked ridiculous too.  green face paint with black around the eyes, a plastic nose that didnt match, all part of a kit that cost me $1.98 at walmart;  a normal black dress, a witch hat and striped socks, and suddenly im the scaries thing they've ever seen???  what??

i got home at almost nine and called noe and we went to Baskin Robbins.  it's not that far but it was so cold he drove.  the coldness here is so unbearable.  around 10 we went and hung out and talked in the Wallace basement.  we talked until 3am and didnt even notice how late it was!  then i remembered i had to be at a study abroad orientation at 10am.  oooh my gosh the 5 hours of sleep i got i swear only lasted really 20 minutes.  i came home from that thing around one and went straight to bed and didnt get up till 4pm.  then i had dinner at the dorms and studied.  my weekend is just so fascinating it's killing me.  i have to work all day tomorrow.  it sucks to be me sometimes.  i would write more but the computer lab is about to close so i'll write tomorrow. 

tuesday, november 4th, 2003.  1:10pm
yeah my weekend was kinda weird.  i guess you could call it random.  one of the various guys who has wronged me popped up a lot this weekend.  random.  but really i didnt do much until sunday.  i had to work all day sunday.  that kind of sucked.  and then i woke up monday (yesterday) sick.  this week isn't proving to be too fun.  my boss went to Coeur D'Alene for the week, so the rest of us have to work like double to make up for his being gone.  of course this happens the week i'm sick.  it looks like i'm going to salem on friday though.  i'm excited.  i made my mom promise that we could go to La Hacienda for dinner.  i can't wait to see jaime, too. i dunno, i'm kind of nervous.  like it will be a "moment of truth" or something.  i think i'm afraid of being disappointed.  i'm kind of holding him at arms length, too.  i'm not ready to get hurt like that again, i'm really not.

10:44pm
today i decided to ride the bus to work.  while waiting this very chatty man (i love the northwest) was standing next to me.  he asked what i was studying, and i told him what i am now studying, but that i am planning to transfer schools to major in bilingual education.  i also mentioned that i want to focus on kids with learning disabilities because those were the most rewarding to tutor when i was in mexico.  from this conversation he said "well you sound like the 'hippie' type of person..."  now he was using this as a segway to something he had read about kids with learning disabilities, but i was just so...shocked.  don't get me wrong, i possess no negative feelings toward hippies... its just that i feel like in my life, people i have met equate me with hippies solely based on my social consciousness.  does that mean that everyone who can be somewhat selfless and see outside their own little self-revolving world is a hippie?  or is it just every late teens-early 20s girl who tutors kids in an orphanage for a couple months?  i think there's a lot more to the definition of a "hippie" than just a social consciousness.  i think people need to be more aware and more accepting of people who don't fit the all-american "norm" that the media and the "american dream" perpetuate.  why try to fit us into a category?  can't we just be caring people?  please, please, don't shove us into a category with people we have no connection to. 
sunday, november 9th, 2003.  11:06pm
what a weekend.  on friday morning i left for salem. i rode with a complete stranger... and i had to drive because he has too many tickets i guess.  it was fine though, and i got to just drop him off in portland and then drive his car down to salem.  i got home around 7 and went out to dinner with my parents.  i wasn't able to get ahold of Jaime that night.  it took until the afternoon of saturday before i finally talked to him.  that was a really stressful thing because i had come so far to see him... and i get emotional very easily.  but finally saturday afternoon i saw him and being with him was so amazing.  all my concerns disappeared.  it's just like... it feels like we're SUPPOSED to be together.  we didnt get to spend that long together because he had stuff to do... but i saw him again this morning and we spent a few more hours together before i left.  today we decided to be officially boyfriend/girlfriend.  eeeee.  so much is going through my head.  obviously, i'm very happy.  i love being with him, i love talking to him... i could talk to him for hours.  i'm afraid to tell anyone.  they all say we don't know eachother... its hard to make them understand.  i know we havent spent that much time physically together but we have talked so much.... we dont know everything about eachother but we learn more every time we talk.  i can't expect anyone to understand how i feel about him... i realize it's different.  but i also realize how much it would take for me to commit to someone.... especially someone who's not here in moscow.  i don't take that lightly at all and i certainly didn't take it lightly when i decided to commit to jaime.  i care for him more than anyone could possibly know.  but it's so hard... so much more complicated than it should be....
monday, november 10th, 2003.  8:17pm
i feel like i have no support.  it's hard.  who am i supposed to go to with my problems, who am i supposed to confide in here?  all i find is people's opinions.  that's not what i want.  i just want support.  i'm so frustrated... i dont know how to handle it.  but what can i do?  i have to just rely on myself i guess.  and hope that's enough. 

i havent recovered from the weekend yet.  i think i'll go to bed really early tonight.  i took a nap this afternoon and DID NOT want to get up for my class.  my bed's so big and warm... i could spend my life there!

i guess there's not much to say for now... maybe i'll think of something later.
monday, november 17th, 2003.  7:22am
7:22am??? you might ask.  yes.  i might ask the same question if i didnt know i'm a horrible person that's all i can say for now.  but oooh what a predicament. 

last night the band Lit played at UI with a couple opening bands.  i didnt think i was going to get to go because none of my friends here like that kind of music but Denice came with me.  the tickets were only 5 bucks and it was a good show.  it was funny to be at a punk show in Idaho.  very different.  more mild i would say.  although when Lit came out Denice and i went up to the very front but only lasted 2 songs before we thought we were going to be killed and headed for the back again.  Denice fell and a ton of people fell on top of her, i was being carried in a different direction and losing my shoe.  i thought she lost her glasses but they were in her hand.  we eventually made it out, breathless and sweating, covered in the sweat of a thousand dripping boys.  i noticed my long sleeved shirt, which had been tied around my waist, was gone.  the green volcom one that mom bought me on my birthday at Sunriver.  i was really bummed but resolved to find it.  we spent the rest of the show in the middle-back with the head-boppers and mellow jumpers.  it was still really fun once i got into it.  once the encore ended and everything Denice and i went on a shirt hunt.  just when i thought we wouldnt find it....she spotted it poking out from under the crowd-retaining-gate and grabbed it.  i was so thankful... but it was totally trampled.  oh well, it will wash up just fine.  After the concert we went to Pita Pit and i wasnt going to buy anything when i realized i hadnt eaten all day.  my pita was good but too big.  yes im the only one that complains about getting too MUCH food for her money.  oh dear. 

Friday night was fun, i hung out with denice and jessica and three guys they know from their home town.  the guys got a little... inebriated very quickly and were very very sick. one started crying.  after dealing with them... taking them home and putting them to bed, we went to a party over where they always are.  i havent been to one of those in so long.  it was fun for awhile... i enjoy some of the people there a lot.  this one girl who never talks to me came up and started chatting.  usually she's a little snobby.  maybe she was a little drunk.  whatever the case she was really cool.  I also talked to a couple people i met at one of those parties a long time ago.  i got to practice my spanish!  all the people i had come with started falling asleep so we decided to leave.  i'm not sure how late it was.  im actually not sure how they could fall asleep in the middle of that party.  weirdos.  ok.... they were drunk.  but still!!  i drove my friend's car to her house and they let me take it home so i wouldnt have to walk.  in the morning we went to breakfast at the dorms and after a nap i got ready to go to A Taste of Nepal, which started at 4.  it was really interesting to learn even more things about Nepal.  i really do like to learn about their country, especially since Mandeep is from there.  The food was REALLY good and i HAD to have some of the Chai.  mmmm.  Denice and Jessica FINALLY showed up when it was almost over... and we went to Denice's for a little "dinner party" she was throwing.  we ate, watched tv, went on a food run, watched a movie.  just kind of hung out.  that's really fun to do sometimes.  i didnt go home until 4am and i had to work on sunday (yesterday) at 1230.  i still havent gone to bed since sunday.  i think i'll have to go do that cause i think i'm dying. 

i wonder what i have done. 
tuesday, november 18th, 2003.  3:54pm
drama drama drama. why do i do this to myself?  i think obviously i'm not ready for a long distance relationship.  that takes a lot and how can you start a relationship off that way?  i feel like i'm rationalizing but i think the symptoms of my unpreparedness also indicate it.  I really don't want to hurt him, and i'm so afraid i'm going to lose him altogether.  again, i hate this drama.  the other big question is: where the hell is he??  i havent heard from Jaime since i left salem last sunday.  he was supposed to call wednesday night but didnt.  didn't call on sunday morning like usual.  how am i supposed to believe i have a relationship?  i am such a spaz of a girlfriend.  i would never want to be my boyfriend.  honestly i'm really quite worried about him, but i'm trying not to be.  i just want to know that he's there and ok and that we will get to spend thanksgiving break together--if he has time--and be happy.  but i like to think that if he IS ok he would have called me by now.  i'm trying not to freak out but it's hard when you really care about someone and you dont know what has happened to him.
thursday, november 20th, 2003.  4:22pm
talking to my history teacher always makes  me feel inspired.  sometimes i think he's the only one who fully believes in me and what i am capable of.  he's also my advisor and i had to ask him to help me fill out some paperwork for my study abroad in Cuba next semester.  then we got on to whether or not i plan on returning to U of I next fall.   i told him i want to study bilingual education and that i'll probably end up at Boise State although i really would like to go to Florida International University in Miami because i think my experience in Cuba could really be valuable in the Miami area.  The fact of the matter is, i just can't afford that school.  My teacher sudenly tells me that i should write letters to a few heads of education programs in Miami telling them about my situation and about going to Cuba and everything.  he kept saying that money could easily "appear" that way.  i was so inspired!!  here's this professor-- whom i greatly respect and who has opened my mind and my world view so much in the last year-- sincerely believing that i would be worthy of a special scholarship at one of these schools.  i guess it's not that i feel as if no one believes in me.... it's just that no one seems to fully understand what i am made of... what my motivations are.  my professor is even more liberal than i am and is one of the few people who have not responded to me with a "CUBA????  WHY CUBA????"  because he himself is drawn to the ideas of cuban society and culture.  i suppose everyone in their life has a person that has inspired them.... im glad to finally have one too.

still havent heard from Jaime.  i'm more than a little worried now.  he better be seriously injured or something by now because there is no other excuse for not having called!  im thinking about calling his brother's house (where he used to live) today and asking if they know anything about where he is.  i'm afraid though because i dont want them to get mad at me for calling.  my spanish is so bad they must get so fed up with me. 
friday, november 21st, 2003.  7:16pm
so i finally sucked it up and called Jaime's brother's house.  they said "what?  he didnt tell you he was going to go to mexico?"  my heart sunk.  great.  he said he would have to check with the other brother, but that there's no work in salem right now so he was going to go to mexico.  something along those lines at least.  details escape me on the phone when the conversation is in spanish.  so now i'm like what the fuck.  you leave the country and dont even bother to give me a call?  no way.  and then theres the whole thing about him saying he couldnt visit me because he had to stay in salem and WORK.  i don't know whether to be sad, pissed off, or just confused.  five minutes ago i was leaning towards sad but now that it's set in i'm at pissed off.  i don't understand how i always manage to put myself out there with guys that will hurt me like this.  what's wrong with me??
monday, november 24th, 2003.  10:08pm
my break is going well.  it's rather... relaxing.  not exactly what i expected but how can i complain?  my family treats me well, as long as im not here for too long.  well, my sister doesnt count.  i already have some cuts and bruises due to her.  i try not to do too much thinking.  it gives me a funny feeling in my chest.  i hate not knowing about jaime.  and i hate knowing at the same time that i really like someone else.  who doesnt like me.  i hate the whole nasty thing.  i feel like my life is a soap opera.  its kind of like my life is happening around me but i barely notice.  at least i get to be home for a little bit.  it feels good to be here. 
tuesday, november 25th, 2003.  10:42pm
from my guestbook:

Hi Nicole, perhaps you should start dating men that have more respect for you. Your webpage is entertaining though, bye.
from Pablo

i have a feeling that most of the recent entries in my guestbook are really from people i know.  but i still find the comment interesting.  i have to say i agree.  however, this is something easier said than done.  it's not like they exhibit their lack of respect for me right off the bat.  they wait until i fall, until i'm attached, and then something will just randomly hit me.  someone told me that i maybe i'm not enough of a challenge.  i understand that.  but it's just not me to be like that.  i'm honest and straight up.  if i like a guy, i'm going to show it.  i don't see the point in wasting time... playing games.  it seems stupid to me.  how can i stay true to myself without getting hurt all the time?
thursday, november 27th, 2003.  11:58pm.  Thanksgiving Day.
i leave for moscow on saturday.  i'm not ready to go back yet.  it's not like there's tons to do here, but i just get so lonely there.  there's nothing for me there. not even a mom and dad to nag me or a little sister to scream at me.  also i know im going back to kind of a messy situation that i'm not ready to face yet.  i have a lump in my throat from thinking about it.  honestly these last couple days i've just felt really lost.... confused.... sad.  there are too many bad things that happened to me at once.  it's hard because there's no one to talk to.  they laugh at me or tell me i've made dumb choices.  like i didnt know that already.  or how could i be so upset over being left by some guy i hardly knew?  take all the details aside and tell me:  how do most people feel when they've been abandoned?  because that's how i feel.  but i'm glad some people get a kick out of it at least.  as for me i'm still asking what's wrong with me... what happened....and why am i not allowed to know the whole story?  i realize that i make my life into this huge drama.  but that's what it feels like. 
sunday, november 30th, 2003.  4:22pm
just when you thought you couldnt take any more drama!!  guess what!!  theres more!!  so yesterday i flew home.  we left salem around 930 and my plane left Portland around 11:40.  it was quite a process of a trip because after i got to spokane i had to wait for the bus and then the bus trip took WAY too long.  but i eventually got home, CARRYING my really heavy suitcase because mud got stuck in one of the wheels on my way back from the bus stop so it only would roll in circles.  Julia and I went to get something to eat, and when we got back my mom called (i was supposed to call her when i got back).  she told me that Jaime had come to my house after i had already left.  my sister had been the only one home so i talked to her.  She said she opened the door and he said "Nicole?"  and she told him i had already left so then he asked for my phone number and she brought him inside and then gave it to him and that was about it i think.  but still!  this is huge!  for someone who was awfully terrified of meeting my parents, going to my house was taking a big risk.  he still has a freaking lot of explaining to do, that's for sure!  i really hope he calls soon but at the same time i dont want to be sitting around the phone waiting for him.  i'm almost never home, and right now my friend Janet is here so i've been going out a lot with her and other people.  i really hope he calls today but i guess we'll see.  i just want to know what the hell is going on!  is that too much to ask??
November 2003
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1