OldBabble3

monday, august 13th, 2001, 11:59pm
i came home tonight from being out and i was a bit hungry. i admit
that my slightly tight-fitting pants influenced my choice of food...
i passed up a bowl of my favorite cereal for a bagel and cream
cheese. i got out a cinnamon raisin bagel, and opened the fridge
only to find one major part of my snack missing: the cream cheese.
oh but we HAD cream cheese. there was raspberry cream cheese, there
was strawberry cream cheese.... there was even SMOKED SALMON cream
cheese!!! Who eats that?? but no plain cream cheese. i searched a
little harder and found a box that looked like it had just like those
sticks of plain old fattening cream cheese that you buy in the
sticks, and when i pulled it out it was some weird-named cheese.
like neuferchatel cheese, or something like that. i dont feel like
going to the fridge to check the name. now how did this stuff end up
in there....WHO KNOWS!!! but it looked like cream cheese... and
smelled like it, and pretty much tasted like it...so i put it on my
bagel. 33% less fat than cream cheese!!! read the box. well foof
people. i buy the cream cheese with next to no fat anyway. the
neuferfartenhagen cheese still had more fat than what i was looking
for, and i might as well have had that bowl of banana nut crunch. 6
grams no matter how you get it. i shouldnt even think about my
weight right now. soccer is starting. sometimes i think that its
weird the way my thought processes cause the strangest chains of
events.

Wednesday, August 15th, 2001. 12:59pm
yeah well the boyfriend i broke up with less than a week ago just
asked for my best friends number. and frankly you know, i dont
really care what he does... if he wants to date her, i will take
pictures at their wedding.... more power to them, he's a super nice
guy and she's a great girl. its just the whole PRINCIPLE of it. its
like gosh, i'm so glad i meant so much to you that it took a whole
few days for you to try to get on my best friend who you met only
once, while i was STILL WITH YOU. but yeah. whatever. life goes
on. and i WAS the one who screwed it all up... so its like i really
dont have room to complain. what i did was far worse. so anyway,
if he's reading this i'll just apologize again for how mean i was
and wish him the best of luck w/ my friend cause they're both
awesome people.

friday, august 17th, 2001. 12:25pm
well today was my only day this week to sleep in so i stayed up
till like 3 last night. then at 10am the lady that cleans my house
called me to tell me i had to come out to aumsville right away to
interview for a job opening that one of her clients has. i mean i
was excited.... i need a job. but i just got started with soccer,
and i'm notn gonna have much time for anything else until october.
but i drove out there anyway. and i met the lady, she was
completely adorable and i would have loved to work for her. her
kids were so cute, and they seemed like a really nice family. i
almost thought "gee, i'd like to babysit for them." haha. but of
course she wanted someone who could work during the day, so it
didnt work out for me to get the job. so today i had a really nice
long relaxing and beautiful drive out to aumsvill, and i dont even
mind going all that way. i guess there are a whole lot of things i
need to think about lately, so it was nice to do that. driving i
think is when i get my best thinking done... cause there's nothing
else to do. i guess that and when i'm in the shower. no i do some
REALLY good thinking in the shower. why is that do you think?
does cleaning inspire deep thoughts? it must. haha i love the
shower. crnk up that radio and sing while you think. thats me
alright. anyway i better jet for now my sister is an impatient
brat and we're going out to lunch. ah!

saturday, august 18th, 2001. 10:49pm
i can feel it coming. i still havent cried after mexico. but i was
watching some sappy movie with my parents tonight, and suddenly the
urge to cry just came over me. it's like, i'm going to burst. right
now, i feel the warmth of the tears in my eyes, and before i know it
i'm going to be bawling. its kind of hard to know you're going to
break down soon, but not know when its going to occur. i am like
this person who LOVES to be in control, and when i dont feel like i'm
in control, i get really weirded out. so thats how i feel right
now. its so hard to explain everything i miss about hogar. i miss
the feeling of being completely satisfied. the feeling of not
wanting. that is a really hard feeling to find. it is awful to
miss. my mom asked me if going to Hogar is a spiritual experience
for me. i hadnt really thought about it... but it definitely is.
mostly while i am there, i wonder about what God wants for my life.
People always say "listen to God's calling" but personally, i never
actually HEAR God. i think for me, He must call me by intstilling a
gut feeling or something. my gut feeling regarding my future is that
i need to spend it in mexico helping people. i want to teach english
there, and to teach kids how to read... in spanish. thats about the
only thing i think i could do. because language is what i'm
interested in, and teaching is the only way i can think of to help
people using language, you know? well my old response to all of
these thoughts about my future was "oh well i'm young and i have a
lot of time to decide." but now, i'm 17.... i have less than a year
to decide the direction i want my life to take. that's not fair! i
am SO ready for that life to start, but at the same, SO unprepared.
I really hope that God keeps giving me those gut feelings, because
without them, i will be completely lost. perhaps this is an
appropriate time to pray? YEAH! wish me luck everyone, my life
never feels simple.

sunday, august 19th, 2001. 11:54pm
today i had this overwhelming sense of lonely invisibleness. i cant
really explain it. its like i felt soooo ordinary today. i just
realized how much i blend in with everyone else, how nothing about
me really gets peoples attention. i mean, people tell me, "nicole,
your personality is so not ordinary, you are so unique" but it
doesnt help. because, how do i show STRANGERS that i'm unique?
unavoidably, the way people are going to first judge you is based on
your appearance. there is nothing about my appearance that makes
people want to come talk to me. so all day i felt kind of trapped.
like i have run out of ideas. when am i going to have that THING
that screams "hey, i am unique, you should want to come talk to me."
?? i guess the sooner i become comfortable with myself not only on
the inside, but on the outside as well, the sooner people will
recognize that in me. at least i have a nice butt ;-)

monday, august 20th, 2001. 10:22pm
well well well. i am so tired. daily doubles for soccer started
today. and yeah, i definitely got a workout. my butt hurts, my
quads hurt, and most importantly i have shin splints. AND i have to
pee but dont feel like it. what a traumatizing world i live in.
i'm just really exhausted.... and i know i hate soccer yet i'm still
playing. just to see. just to finish out the year. the thing
is... I KNOW i'm not making varsity. so its like agh. why am i
trying so hard. i can recognize that i am not among the best... i
know the coach isnt an idiot so we all know he knows that too.
everyone's all "oh nicole, i know you'll make it" but they have to
say that in order to be good friends. i would probably be pretty
pissed if they were like "yeah you suck and we all know it". so
what do i want out of this? i'm not sure. i do know, however that
whether or not i make a team or want to make a team is NOT the
world's biggest crisis right now. so i will keep it to myself. and
if i dont make it, maybe i'll be manager for JV or maybe i'll get
myself employed. who knows. i need to make myself useful, you
know?

tuesday, august 21, 2001. 11:53pm
i woke up with the worlds worst shin splints. like the most severe
i've ever had. and i've had a lot of shin splints. i didnt really
make it to morning practice because of registration, but this
evening was hell. i did alright until we actually had to run places
fast. my shins just couldnt handle it. so i tried with all my
might until a half hour before the end of practice when i decided to
make the executive decision that enough was enough and i needed to
stop. so i sat down where i was and ripped off my cleats, socks,
and shingaurds as a statement that i was done. at the end of
practice coach gave a speech about how the varsity cut will probably
be tomorrow morning and i was just like tearing up because i have
NOT performed well enough to be on varsity, and with my new
disability there is no way i can demonstrate anything useful by the
end of tomorrow morning's practice. i started picking up jersies
and he asked me why i had my shoes off. and i started like
half-crying while i explained it to him. then walked away like
bawling and picking up jersies. it was awful. i hate crying in
large groups of people. its so embarassing. so yeah i came home
and sobbed for about another hour and now i'm just trying to think
of other things i can do with my life sans soccer. who knows.
somehow i have a feeling life will go on though. i have other
bigger problems to think about right now anyway.

thursday, august 23rd, 2001. 5:42pm
yeah well basically i was right. morning practice yesterday
started off w/ a 2 mile run. my shins hurt so badly after that i
just iced them the rest of the time. coach e said something to me
that made me know i wasnt making varsity, and at the end of
practice they posted their magically already TYPED lists up on the
side of the shed. and sure enough my name was not there. so yeah
basically now i have a lot of time on my hands. i think i will
probably be the "team mom" for JV. i think i'll talk to coach e
tomorrow about it. i really hate going back though. i had to pick
up my sister and stacey this morning and i ran into the head
coach. it was awful. he's all "miss nicole, i wanted to talk to
you....you were one of our toughest decisions this year....blah
blah blah....i just wanted to touch base w/ you.....blah blah
blah." i was all quiet and like "oh, thats ok....oh, oh well."
but REALLY i wanted to say "ARE YOU JOKING ME???   I WORKED MY ASS
OFF FOR 3 YEARS ON JV and was SOOOO DEDICATED, and YOU CANT EVEN
PUT ME ON VARSITY TO SEE ME IMPROVE????" but i just quietly
laughed, smiled, and went on my merry way. how awkward. so yeah.
tonight i am free. i'll try to be an optimist. i'm having a
harder time being away from mexico than i am with not making
varsity. that's kind of the way things should be though. its just
way harder to talk about the reasons i miss mexico. people cant
even begin to understand. i think that is why i have felt so
lonely lately. i have no one who understands my complete
experience there. some people know at least some of it which is
helpful. but no one understands all of it.

11:45pm
i was reading one of monicas old entries today. something about
how she will never be in a relationship.... like a real one. it
totally struck home with me. like, i probably even misread it
because i was so lost in my own thoughts. i mean right now its my
fault i dont have a boyfriend. but i think my problem is that now
that i KNOW what i want a serious relationship to feel like, i have
to have it like that. that doesnt make sense. The thing is....
the one guy that is like perfect to me... the one i cant be with...
set an expectation. the way i feel about him, and the feeling i
get when i am with him... like all of the butterflies you find in
infatuation, plus the utter calmness you feel when you know
something is so much deeper than infatuation. its like i want
someone to give me that AMAZING FEELING again. i want to be swept
off my feet again. so its like, i feel like no other guy is going
to do that for me. i feel like i am going to roam around in
desperate hope forever. i know this sounds pathetically
melodramatic, but thats just the sinking feeling i have at the
moment.

night of saturday, august 25th, 2001. 12:23am
have you ever thought about something so long and so hard, you
start to feel numb and lightheaded when it comes to your mind?
i've never experienced this before and its starting to weird me
out. i think i should eat something, maybe i have low blood
sugar. maybe not. i feel like all of my days have been busy yet
useless lately. i just kind of run around and do things. but oh
well. i have started looking around again for a lot of different
options for my future. i feel so torn. i just dont know where to
go or what to do. torn between the realistic and my dreams. of
course you should always follow your dreams, but sometimes i just
dont feel like i have enough in me.   like everything will always
be a dream and instead i will just go with the flow throughout my
whole life. sometimes i just feel so inadequate. i need a self
esteem boost i believe.

sunday night, august 26th, 2001. 12:19am
i am so tired of feeling alone. everyone keeps asking me "what's
wrong?" they tell me to just talk to them, they'll listen. they
will understand. but they dont. but how can i make people
understand something so big and complex that even i dont understand
it? I feel so lost lately and there is basically nothing i can do
about it except try to forget. and even that is highly
unrealistic. and i know that time will dull it... but it has been
3 weeks already and it hasnt dulled at all. relatively, 3 weeks is
no time at all, but oh, it feels like it has been so much.   this
feeling drags out the days, makes me feel like my life is going to
last forever without feeling completed. Whats wrong w/ me? i am
only 17, i'm not old enough to be taking people and things this
seriously.   serious things arent supposed to develop when you're
this young. i feel so.... out of place. and desperate to have
hope.

monday, august 27th, 2001. 7:04pm
if you havent noticed, i've been in kind of a.... MOOD lately.
with all of the stuff going on in my head, my little sister has
begun to aggravate me greatly. she screams at me nonstop. i wake
up to her screaming at me. i do her a favor by getting up early
to take her to soccer in my LAST WEEK of sleeping in before school
starts. but she screams at me if we dont leave EXACTLY at 9:30.
she screams at me if i say something that she takes as rude. she
screams at me if my music is on too loud in the car. she screams
at me if i roll my window down. she screams at me if i shift
wrong. and that's all in the first HALF HOUR i'm awake. it
continues all day. i take her anywhere she wants to go, sometimes
i even pay for things. i do her a great favor by taking her to
those places, and by driving the carpool to soccer. but all i get
is screaming. all i get is ungratefulness. it just gets to me
how ungrateful people can be. especially my sister because i see
her ungratefulness all day long. i feel so used and so
frustrated. i would be happy to help out if she showed any
gratitude. but the screaming and yelling is starting to wear on
my nerves..

10:04pm:
i am so antisocial. i would be so happy sitting in my house
watching tv and sleeping. but people keep calling me to do
things, so i muddle through my day. its not that i dont have fun
when i'm out with people, i just dread it because of my lack of
energy. i get no fulfillment out of my whole day. it is so
robotic. you would think i would get fulfillment out of helping
out w/ soccer.... but i just get even more stressed because
between my sister and beth, i just cant seem to do anything
right. its like volunteering to do this was a death wish.   i am
so overwhelmed with so much right now, i'm like bawling. i hate
being emotionally unstable.

tuesday, august 28th, 2001. 8:22pm
   i used to notice things that go on around me. i used to find the
   funny little quirks in human nature and just strange occurences.
   now the only observation i have made is that i only observe
   myself. i am so consumed with matters of myself, i no longer pay
   attention to those entertaining oddities. i feel disappointed
   that i have become self-absorbed, yet its not enough to make me
   stop. i am still moping. i think i am going to have to see a
   shrink about this. someone to make me realize that some things
   ARE impossible and there is nothing i can do to change that fact.
   i need to accept it. but its so hard when it feels like THIS IS
   IT.

wednesday, august 29th, 2001. 7:24pm
i went golfing for the first time today. i went with my dad. he
called me from work the other day and said he thought we should do
something before i start school again. i think mostly he must be
realizing that its my senior year and there's not much time left.
but he said at dinner that also he had noticed how upset i have been
lately and he wanted to cheer me up. "upset?" i questioned. "oh
come on nicole i'm not stupid, i know you've been heartbroken
lately."   well yes, dad, or should i say sherlock, i have. but
man, how awkward discussing that with your father! i mean, i'm
really glad that he can be that understanding about that kind of
stuff, heaven knows no one else can.... but still.... i dont know.
when i said i wanted someone to talk to about it, my father who
freaks out any time anyone male speaks to me was not who i had in
mind. sometimes its nice to know your parents are human though, ya
know. to know.... WOW my dad WAS 17 once.... thats kind of
refreshing. well anyway, i sucked at golfing. i'm sure everyone
does their first time. but hey, at least i had a nice relaxing
afternoon. and, i got TACO TIME for dinner. the only really good
fast food. YUM. i suppose the kids in mexico would ask me what
kind of food that was supposed to be. but thats ok. i put it in
the american mexican food category.

thursday night august 30th, 2001. 12:27am
i hate this. not thinking about it is out of the question. the
problem is that as soon as i wake, the first thing i think about is
him. in any activity i do.... its him. i cant get rid of the
feeling, i cant get rid of the thought of him. i cant get rid of
the sadness. and i cant do jack about it. so here i sit at my
computer. every night. thinking the same depressing thoughts
while people read this and say "OK NICOLE, MOVE ON, YOU'RE BORING
US." but for now, i cant move on. this matter consumes my brain,
and nothing else enters or leaves it. it is as if my life is at a
standstill. i know that the days pass, and i know i do things
during them, yet i dont seem to notice. if you asked me to recall
the last few weeks, i would remember almost nothing since i
returned from mexico. its almost as if i dont WANT to get used to
being back. last time i got used to it, i forgot a lot of things
that i shouldnt have. a lot of important mexico things. and if i
forget them again, i will feel guilty all over again. so if i keep
on living in my little world, not taking note of what goes on
around me, maybe i will hold onto those things for longer. my
watch is still on Coita time. right now.... it is 2:53am. i
wonder what they are doing right now.....

NOTE: when i write this is thursday night of august 30th,
it is technically the 31st, but for me the next day hasnt
started.

friday night, august 31st, 2001. 12:49am
i have the urge to say something utterly profound. however, i
search every inch of my brain and fail to come up with even one
thing. it seems this problem has plagued me for quite some time,
yet it fails to fix itself. i suppose the only way to get past
this brain fart of a mental block would be to once again observe
the little things about life. now, though, nothing really seems
worth my time. the one thing that seems worth my time is the one
thing i cant control, the one thing i dont get to see or hear
from. it makes it hard to take anything else seriously. i wish i
was a prodigy so i could finish college and join the peace corps or
something. i think that would take my mind off of this issue.

sunday, september 2nd, 2001. 8:54pm
today i saw the movie sixteen candles. yes, i watched it alone at
home on a sunday afternoon. but anyway, it was the first time i
saw the movie in its entirety. i love all those random eighties
movies. it was adorable. and of course, in the end, they fall in
love. of course, thats the best part. it always makes me want to
cry. you can not get a tear out of me while watching titanic, but
bring on the cornball sappy love stories with happy endings, and
you've lost me. how perfect are those situations? how much do i
wish i could be in one?! i mean, to fall in love, and have it be
a perfect situation with no problems and nothing in the way! how
perfectly wonderful. definitely worth crying over. and even if
it isnt worth crying over, it is worth dreaming about and longing
for.

School starts wednesday. i dont think i'm ready. well who is
ever actually ready for school to start? i'm extremely worried
though... cause i cant even concentrate on things right now. how
am i going to concentrate on my school work, on my classes? i
have some hard ones this year too. AP European History and AP
English?? what was i thinking???? i guess concentration will be
my short term goal for now. i wish they had daydreaming contests,
cause i would win hands down. that's most definitely my subject
of choice. in my daydreams, everything is perfect. and is there
really even a perfect?

11:58pm:
its not particularly that i have anything to say... i just feel
like writing. again, i feel the urge to say something utterly
profound. it seems you have to think in order to come up with
profound thoughts. and its not that i dont think.... its just
that i dont think about many subjects. i really need to get with
it. i just cant. well tomorrow i'm going to the fair. that
should be fun, right? maybe i'll make my goal for tomorrow to
observe 5 odd things about people. after all, do you know how
many WEIRD people are at the fair? i suppose it is unfair to say
they are weird. that's awfully judgemental. i guess its just
that they are uninhibited about things, or they think differently
about things than i do. well, it will still be interesting to
observe differences in people. i worked fair parking today,
volunteering for the salem outreach shelter. it was pretty
boring, kind of intense at times. when you've got 4 cars lined up
to pay and park at the same time and you've run out of normal
spaces, you have to get creative quick. and of course a car full
of hot guys pulls up when i have begun to roll my pant legs up,
but so far only ONE is rolled up, and the other hangs down
stupidly while i direct them to their spaces. oh well, its not
like i went there to pick up guys. haha. its not like i go
anywhere to pick up guys. haha but hey, i'm ok with how things
are. i'm too preoccupied for that anyway.

monday, september 3rd, 2001. 10:57pm
i wish they would get new rides at the fair every year. i rode all
my favorite rides but they lacked the same intensity that they had
in the past. probably because there wasnt the element of
surprise. i already knew what to expect. when i apply this theory
to my life, it makes perfect sense. i am not excited by my life
because it is so predictable. everything is as expected. and the
reason i have been feeling this way since i got back from mexico is
that everything there WAS a surprise. so the bizarre, withdrawn
mood i have been in lately is a reaction to the severe shock of
going from living moment to moment, to living in the designed way
my life is supposed to work. who knows. i cant really spice up my
life either. i'm a routine kind of girl. there's just a part of
the routine missing. a big part that takes up my thoughts anyway.

wednesday, september 5th, 2001. 11:03pm
well well well. the first day of school.   what a joyous
occasion. started off, of course with over an hour of standing in
lines waiting to change my schedule. i decided that it is
definitely inhumane to make kids w/ backpacks on stand that long.
so yeah i almost cried i was so bored in math. then i ate. always
a joy, and went to photo where i sit with a bunch of people i dont
know and never have particularly wanted to know. they seem nice
enough and all, just kind of.... not quite genuine. i'm not in the
mood to deal w/ these kinds of people. but hopefully as long as i
am genuinely nice to me, they will do the same. so yeah after
that, i didnt have anymore classes so i ate lunch at julias. it
was all a way of putting off the ioevitable: MY COURT DATE. now i
am still very bitter about the outcome, so i wont go into it. but
i reccomend to everyone to just pay the damn ticket and never risk
the option of getting yourself into worse shit. even if your
parents think its better cause it didnt go on your record. would
you rather pay $77 bucks, or pay $50 and take a freaking day long
class on traffic safety?? its only TWENTY SEVEN BUCKS!!! i'm so
mad. i shouldnt be paying anything at all for a 25 in a 15
speeding ticket.   so yes, what else happened today? oh i hung out
with my ex boyfriend. that was a bit odd. i mean it was fine, ya
know, its good to still be friends, but it kinda freaks me out
because its exactly how it was when we were going out..... but
we're not. i dont think this would make any sense if i was reading
it.... but trust me. i dont know, its kind of like we were always
just really good friends, ya know? and now that we dont have the
title, its all kind of just up in the air how to act. i'll just
try to be myself. that's the whole point of how i live anyway
right? why not apply it to this also?

i suppose you could say i feel a bit overwhelmed. as you can see,
a lot happened today. and as you have probably seen.... a lot
hasnt happened lately. so you could see why i may be a bit
grumpy. i hate when people get mad at me for being grumpy. dont
they understand that i might be grumpy for a frickin reason?
sometimes i just feel so trapped in such pointless shit. i just
want to get a shovel and dig myself out of it. and throw it on
everyone that bugs me.

saturday, september 8th, 2001. 9:46pm
gosh i really dont like that my summer memories are fading
already. i just have so much to think about. really not even
important stuff. just stuff. and school. and everything. and oh
i feel so confused about how i feel about certain guys. it doesnt
work to follow my heart anymore. my mind is too foggy to recognize
whats going on in my heart. i guess i just have to work on this
whole patience thing, i mean there's no rush to figure things
out.... right?

at least i had the first really good night that i have had in
awhile last night. we went down to the football game at south
albany. i dont particularly like football, but its a good place to
chat w/ people and get into something, you know? and its the first
time my parents have been totally cool w/ me going to a game that's
not in salem. i love being older. i dont get many new priveleges,
but even that is great. i really am liking this whole being a
senior thing. its kind of like you've just got everything figured
out. and i'm not afraid to just start chatting with people i have
been in school with but have never talked to. because hey, we've
been to hell and back together, why not be friends? well we'll see
how this year ends i guess!

tuesday, september 11th, 2001. 11:22pm
remember this day. i know i will never forget it. i cant believe
that anyone would do something so terrible. i never thought anyone
was capable of causing such destruction. i mean sure, it was
always in the back of my mind.... i knew stuff like this happens
every day in other countries. but it wasnt until i woke up to the
news this morning of "2 planes were crashed into the World Trade
Center, 1 into the Pentagon" did i realize how powerfully terrible
these terrorist acts are. i am not directly affected. i dont know
anyone who died, or even anyone who knew anyone who knew anyone who
died. but i still feel so powerless, so helpless. i suddenly dont
want to live on earth anymore because i am SO FRUSTRATED with the
acts of human beings. i feel like it is going on all around me and
there is nothing i can do to stop it. people constatly being
cruel to one another.... whether in deed or word, or even
gestures. its a constant battle i dont want to be a part of
anymore. and so i cry. not for my loss, but rather for my gain.
my gain of knowledge and realization. the gain i didnt need. the
gain i didnt want. i would much rather retain my naive ways than
live with the feeling that i can and will do nothing to help stop
the worldwide problem o people hurting eachother.

thursday, september 13th, 2001. 11:59pm
this disaster has brought about a strong sense of nationalism in
our country. all of the cars are flying american flags. people
constantly say "God bless america" i see signs that say "proud to
be an american". i feel too wise to be patriotic. i mean dont
get me wrong. it really touches me to see this nation coming
together like this. and to see them say "we will not let these
people tear us apart, it will only unite us" is great. but all i
can think is the opposite side of it. why are we so proud of this
country that causes people to hate it so much? i mean its not
just the terrorists that did this that hate the united states.
MANY countries have issues with americans. why do we allow
ourselves to be so blind to ignore it? after seeing abject
poverty firsthad, i look at america through different eyes. when
i see america, i see a country who hogs money. who has it and
spends it foolishly on things that are not important. i cannot
appreciate this country's prosperity because i feel that much of
it is wasteful. i mean, even among this prosperity, people suffer
from terrible poverty. and our eyes are blind to it. america is
a world super power. america has rights and freedom. america has
prosperity. but i dont feel like america has human interest in
mind.

   sunday, september 16th, 2001.   10:13pm
   i'm not ready to put up an american flag on my car. because i
   have a sinking feeling that our country is going to be going to
   war. and i am not prepared to support war.... despite the cause.
   because if we go to war, many innocent people will be killed in a
   way similar to that which we would be fighting against. that
   makes us hypocrites who put AMERICAN human lives before any other
   human life, and that is VERY unjust.

   monday, september 17th, 2001. 11:32pm
   well here i am again. eating some good 'n' plenties and talkin to
   some friends. all i really want to do is type whats on my mind.
   but i'm not quite sure what that is. but i'm absolutely sure its
   there. i feel like so much is on my mind, but at the same time
   like there is nothing at all. its like a constant tornado of
   thoughts and emotions and stuff going all through me and i cant
   quite keep up. i think i just kind of sit and let it all whirl
   through me, and kind of hope it will settle down eventually. its
   so bizarre to me that i cant remember anything i have observed all
   day. usually when i sit down to think about my day, i remember
   more than the things that i physically did. little things i saw
   or thought about. i feel kind of numb i guess. but can you be
   numb while it feels like your heart is doing the mamba?

   i think i have carpal tunnel in my right wrist. it really hurts
   and i can barely move it. no one believes me though. but think
   how much of my day i spend typing something or other! my
   goodness! thats ok if it gets bad enough maybe someone will take
   me seriously.

   why does God create obstacles in my life that seem impossible?
   its not even just that, its the fact that they affect me
   emotionally in such a strong way. and it just makes me wonder.
   because my theory is that God has a giant plan for all of us, and
   the ways in which our life paths cross w/ those of others and
   stuff.... that all happens for a reason. i guess sometimes though
   it is just really difficult to understand what that reason is, and
   why He wanted it to happen.

   friday, september 21st, 2001. 5:09pm
   wow, why havent i witten in awhile?   i introduced Julia to my
   favorite fast food place EVER. Muchas Gracias. it's like, i pay
   less than i do at taco bell. $3.15. i get a bean burrito and a
   soda. but this is not only a bean burrito. it's huge. its so
   huge that i cant even finish it. and oh, its QUALITY mexican
   food. you get it in about 2 seconds, and you watch them sit back
   there and make it. they're grilling and everything. talk about
   the perfect place. good mexican food, cheap, and fast.    i'm not
   even sure why i'm talking abou this right now. but i guess i will
   promote it. there is one Muchas Gracias where the old Duck Inn
   used to be, out on State Street, with a big giant duck on the
   top. There is another one on Capitol Street (north of downtown)
   across from Bob's. Open 24 hours folks, stop in and try it!

   tuesday, september 25th, 2001. 11:21pm
   well i have spent a lot of time thinking. i'm sick and i spent
   all of yesterday on the couch thinking. i'm not really sure what
   it was all about. but well thats ok. i was in a fever stricken
   state.... you cant hold me responsible for that. my mom wants me
   to enter this writing contest. i've entered it before. i didnt
   win. no matter how "good" of a writer my mom thinks i am, the
   fact is, i just will never compare to the kind of people that win
   those $10,000 scholarships. in everything i do, i may be above
   average, but i will never be outstanding. that is what i want i
   think. i want to be recognized for something. i love writing
   with every fiber of my being. but i dont know how to do it in a
   way that makes other people say WOW. i just kind of do it for
   myself. but at the same time... i WANT people to like it.... ya
   know? i guess its just that everyone has their talent. usually
   when i think of talent, the first thing i think of is sports.
   well i tried my hand at that and it didnt work out. next theres
   music. same story. then there's like art or drama.... i'm SO
   unartistic its not funny.... i hate being in front of people. i
   guess in a way writing could be considered a talent though... but
   only if it is considered "good". i dont really know who is to
   judge whether a piece of writing is "good" though. same w/ art i
   suppose. how do people get GRADED on their art? all art has a
   different purpose. i enjoy art, i just have trouble producing
   it. the creativity for that stuff just isnt there.   but thats
   ok. i'll try to get past my current writers block and try to
   develop this whole writing thing.

   wednesday, september 26th, 2001. 11:46pm
   the rain here is depressing. cold and gray and always here. it
   makes life colorless. it makes me miss the rain in Chiapas. i
   guess its different because the rainy season there is the
   summer. so it's warm, and it seems to make the green scenery
   even greener. and when the rain comes, it doesnt get cold, but
   it cools down a little bit. and the rain there isnt the wimpy
   kind of perpetual half-hearted rain we get here. it just comes,
   full force, in torrents out of the sky....complete with
   brilliant lightening (relampago) and earth-shattering thunder
   (rayo). it's like someone is dumping all of the ocean's water
   out of the skies. the storms are so massive, but they never
   quite register as storms to me because they lack the freezing
   wind of the storms i am used to here. its like i could sit
   under the cover of the porch during a storm there, and forget it
   was a "storm" and just enjoy the sights and sounds of the
   spectacular occurence.    However, once the thunder and
   lightening get close enough.... i lose it. i remember my first
   night there this year was the night of a huge storm. I was so
   sleep deprived that after unpacking and writing in my journal, i
   finally got into bed and was curling up with the house's
   resident cat, when suddenly a simultaneous flash and boom that
   lit up the whole room and shook the windows. i sat straight up,
   and without another thought, started running. i had been
   ignoring the thunder and lightening before, but this time it was
   too much. i put on my flipflops and ran out the door. Kelsey
   followed, she slipped on the porch. i didnt stop. i was
   running through the torrents as fast as i could. Julia and
   Ashley were in Andy's room where we joined them. We all
   screamed every once in awhile at the lightening and thunder,
   finally got brave, and went back to bed awhile later. But the
   storm was not done with us. still loud, but not impossible, the
   storm raged on as i slowly faded into sleep once again. then
   the same scenario. this time the thunder jolted me awake as the
   lightening flashed so brightly, i saw it through my eyelids. i
   poked my head in the missing window pane of Julia and Ashley's
   door. i think i startled Julia, i dont remember. Kelsey and i
   went in. All four of us huddled under our blankets in their
   bed. every time lightening flashed, we screamed and pulled our
   blankets over our heads, in preparation with the thunder. i was
   so frustrated. i was so incredibly tired, i hadnt slept at all
   the night before, and had spent a million hours on planes and at
   airports.   and here i was still awake in the middle of the
   night.   Yet at the same time, i knew i would look back at that
   night and laugh. like i am laughing now. at the thought of
   four 16 and 17 year old girls huddled in one bed screaming in
   fear of the thunder and lightening.

   friday, september 28, 2001. 11:57pm
   i'm afraid. i'm afraid i might start liking someone. while
   this has been something i've hoped for for quite some time.....
   i'm still afraid. i dont want to forget him. i know i'll
   probably never even see him again,   but i dont want to forget
   how special he was/is to me. i dont want to forget all of the
   things i remember everyday. i would love to get to know and
   like someone here.... but i dont want him to fade, i dont want
   to lose him. how do you let go of something like that? how do
   you move on? how do you go on living? everyday feels hard
   because i know i could be happier. how does someone feel like
   this when they are only seventeen? i feel so ridiculous. i
   really hope i can like a guy here though. after all, they're
   not all bad. there are some good ones in the bunch. maybe next
   time i can almost feel that same thing, but with someone i can
   see.

   saturday, september 29th, 2001. after midnight.

   THE CONTENTS OF MY PURSE
   comb
   red nail polish
   tube of neosporin
   student id card
   2 blue pens
   2 mechanical pencils
   1 pen cap
   journal
   empty pack of gum
   8 packages of parmesan
   lip gloss
   mustard packet
   almost empty perfume bottle
   reference info for job applications
   deodorant
   drivers license
   empty envelope
   note from julia
   4 bank receipts
   container of hair wax
   4 pennies

   sunday, september 30th, 2001. 1:51pm
   its sunday afternoon and i woke up about an hour ago. i was
   going to go to church... but i just couldnt. i was so
   exhausted. i keep forgetting to take care of myself. i really
   cant figure out whats wrong with me. i know my mom hates me to
   take naps. so i dont, and i go out and do stuff. but i just
   walk around in an exhausted daze. so wouldnt it make more sense
   to catch a few ZZZs when i really need to? i dont know. she's
   just resentful that i dont have a job. but believe me i have
   tried. and tried and tried. i know i'm not doing it right. but
   doesnt it seem like SOMEONE should at least go "wow, this girl is
   pretty friendly, and we have an opening here at Fast Food Place
   X. maybe we should just hire her." it doesnt seem like it would
   be that hard   but obviously it is.

   monday, october 1st, 2001. 10:03pm
   well alicia and i were talking about guys that SEEM "perfect",
   and she told me to always be skeptical about them. But darn it,
   dont you ever just want to go forward and continue with blind
   infatuation??? I mean i know, thats never the HEALTHY thing to
   do.... or even the right thing. but frankly if you analyze
   enough you ruin the mystery and excitement all together. And
   isnt it always that the thing you like, the thing you WANT to do,
   isnt the healthy thing to do? why is that? why do we have to do
   things that are less fun to live "healthy" and "good" lives? i
   suppose there are things that are even better though that are
   healthy and good. and of course we all know i'm going to bring
   up Mexico. but its like when i am helping people, any time....
   its a great feeling beyond that of any feeling i could get by
   doing unhealthy things. so in the end, its all really just
   perspective.   if i want things to look good, they will be, and
   vice versa.

tuesday, october 2nd, 2001. 10:05pm
today i have had this strange feeling in my stomach, like i am
excited about something..... but i really have no idea what it
is. its cool though, cause i feel happy too. i've honestly
wanted to write about it all day, but i dont really know what i am
writing about. how weird! i'm glad i'm feelin good. thats
always nice.

i'm upset because someone has accused me of things that are all
wrong, in a distorted point of view. and they are things about me
and it makes me so angry to hear that someone i trusted thinks i
should be something else. why am i constantly surrounded with
people telling me to be something else? they claim they accept me
for who i am, but do they? do they think in their heads that
really i would look better if i'd put some make up on, or if i'd
put a little effort into what i wear? i just feel like if they
really accepted me for me, they would realize that those things
are obviously not what makes me me. sure, everyone cares what
people think. even i, nicole, want guys to think i'm attractive.
but above that i am more worried about having people's perception
of me be correct. and i have found that i find the most quality
guys when i am myself, no make-up and all. for some people,
outside is important. or they simply just want to care about how
they look. and thats fine. but its not for me. and sometimes i
wish i wasnt so surrounded by people that bring me down, and the
media images fed to me daily about what THEY think i should be.
sometimes i wish i lived on the moon where nothing else exists.

I'm glad to have met Chris because its really awesome to find
someone who can relate to almost everything you have ever
thought. I never though ANYONE outside my Hogar group would
understand why i love Mexico, and i never thought i'd see the same
moral values i hold held by someone else....especially a guy. (no
offense guys). i guess frankly Chris gives me hope that maybe
people out there really can understand me. at least i know he
does!

   wednesday, october 3, 2001. 11:20pm
   my toes are freezing. and i even put on socks. tonight chris and
   i went down to the riverfront to people watch. we watched the
   whole drumming circle thing. i wore flipflops. i always wear
   flipflops. i have never wished more that i hadnt worn flipflops.
   i no longer have toes. i have little icicles. haha. but hey, it
   was worth it to remind myself of the people who know who they are
   and feel comfortable about being themselves in public. it makes
   me think that what i do is nothing.... because i wont dance in
   front of ONE person, let alone a whole crowd of people. i know,
   though, that we just have different methods of expression... which
   is really the interesting thing about people in general.... the
   thing that MAKES diversity. the different ways people express
   themselves. also it was a fun opportunity to get to know chris
   even more. i like that we can disagree on things too. i think
   thats important. yeah we are a lot alike, but we are not the
   same. thats awesome. and thank goodness he doesnt yell at me
   until i agree with him. those people are frickin weird. haha.

friday, october 5th, 2001. 7:45pm
i really dont like to read. since middle school i really havent
been a big reader at all. but i checked out this book at the
public library on tuesday on julias card since i cant check out
books because i live outside the city. anyway, its called Our
Word is Our Weapon and its a compilation of writings by the
leader of the Zapatistas of Chiapas, Subcomante Marcos. He is an
excellent writer. at first i thought it would be kind of boring,
but the way he writes really gets to me through writing styles
that hold my interest. he relays facts, views, opinions, and
stories in a way that is actually effective. It helps that i have
interest in the Zapatistas already, but i definitely reccomend the
book to anyone who's interested in learning about the indigenous
Mayans of Southern Mexico. haha i'm sure thats everyone. its
just interesting to see how the country's original people are
treated, and how they aren't willing to just sit around and take
the crap they have been given.