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| 1st Site Babble: The Beginning |
| Old Babble |
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| cinco de mayo, 2001 i really think today has been the longest day of my life. all day i thought of really cool philosophical things to write on my new web page. but now i am so tired i can barely focus on the screen and there is no way anything intelligent will come out of me. that's ok, nothing intelligent usually does, just ask any math or science teacher i have ever had. to them i am the epitome of thick-skulled. why is that? why did i have to be born so dumb in those two areas that you MUST be smart in? i think i figured out why i made this stupid website. it's because i really need to be listened to. i willingly have taken the role in society as the listener, which is fine, it makes me feel important. but i find that when i have problems, i just dont know where i am supposed to go. this is where i will go now i guess. sunday, may 6, 2001. 10:22pm this weekend i have thought a lot about some of the stupid things i have done this year. i know that all teenagers make mistakes. that's the point of being a teenager. screwing up is the only way to prepare you for life. most smart people learn that if they do something once, and it totally blows up in their face, they probably shouldnt do it again. thing is i am afraid i'll just keep screwing up over and over for the rest of my life. yes, i know this is a bit dramatic, but one cant help but worry. its just that usually screwing up isnt just painless. especially when you screw up with relationships. that's the kind of screwing up that hurts. a lot. my theory is that all relationships end w/ hurt feelings. i think for the most part this is true. even if it's mutual (and is it ever??) there's still going to be someone who still feels awful about it. i know that whoever does the hurting usually doesnt MEAN to hurt the other... so why does it have to be that they still will be hurt. why have i had to be the one, and the friend to the ones, who have had their hearts ripped out of their chests and danced upon? bitterness is natural. i mean it's not really like people are going to be HAPPY about having their hearts broken. i just wish that bitterness wasnt so lingering. like for months, i mean come on that is just ridiculous. personally i would like to get on with my life. i mean like FULLY get on with it, and never think about being bitter again. i'm sure he would like that too, although he doesnt even know i am bitter hmmm i bet that's better for him, so he can go do it to someone else. whoa but there i go again. i just hope that everyone knows how normal bitterness is. it's ok to feel bitter, and it's ok for someone to feel bitter towards you. it's just the way this stupid teenage life is supposed to work. monday, may 7th, 1:50pm The crappiest thing about being old enough to drive is getting gas. not only do i have to count out all of the nickels and dimes in my ash tray to get a quarter tank of gas, which will get me around for about a day, but then i have to deal with the gas station attendants. yuck. about one in a hundred of them are actually cute. some are just normal, going about their business. but then tere are the really weird ones that follow you around and hit on you. it's like, how much conversation can you make about the two dollars of gas i am buying? if gas station guys are going to hit on me, they could at least be hot, dont you think? just a thought. sleep on it. tuesday, may 8th, 2001 1:31pm Today courtney and i were discussing the common characteristic we have noticed in all guys. they seem to lack the abilitiy to remember to tell the girl they're with, but dont want to be with anymore, they have ceased to like her. its as if it is settled in their mind that it is over, so it is completely unnecessary to have any further contact with the girl they are leaving behind. is this excusable? courtney and i think not. however, what can we do? after all we know that common sense seems to be something lacking in most teenage males (no offense guys, it's just what we've seen). so who knows i suppose we will just have to keep this fact in mind when we become completely lost while dealing with guys. nothing's easy, if it was, what would i write about???? I am really excited because paul burned the new weezer cd, the green album, for amanda and she let jenn and i burn it today at lunch. this might possible be the best cd ever. i cant wait to get my copy. i will die as i listen to it. it amazes me how music has the ability to consume me. it's like, i KNOW music is good when it feels that spot in my chest (that spot that fills when you know *think* you're in love) with utter happieness and the only thing i can think about is how AWESOME the sound coming out of the stereo is. Obviously i cannot imagine my life w/out music. it would be like peanut butter without jelly, like the beach without sand. how can anyone go through life w/out a tune to sing in their head? not possible. music exemplifies every possible feelin you could have. la dee dah songs when you're so immensly happy you can explode. "f*** you songs" like system of a down's "sugar" when you feel angry enough to cry. music is the single invention that covers all areas of life, and in some way appeals to everyone. the world without music is the world without life. 9:53pm: Wow, powder puff took it out of me today. Maybe it was the run before powder puff, who knows. I was really really apalled at our coaches' behavior today. Some of them are really responsible, nice guys. Some of them are asses. others are like the ones who thought it would be sooooo cool to whip out a joint in the middle of practice. ok, people need to respect people who dont want to be around when they feel the need to mellow out. i mean i know everyone does it, but i dont, and during a school function i dont feel i need to be subjected to it. then there is the fact that we were in the middle of a PUBLIC PARK with tons of little kids running around everywhere and a little league practice a few feet away. come on guys, way to set an example. dont they realize little kids look up to them? i'm sure their quest is to turn the world's children into potheads. ok ok that's not fair but i dont really look at those guys as the responsible type, ya know? h i'm so disappointed in my peers. no one thinks they have anything important to do so they waste away their valuable lives smoking weed and doing nothing. wednesday, may 9th, 2001, 1:49pm "...In time you'll learn to love me as much as you love yourself Oh in time you'll learn to hate me Cause when i feel the need to have you back by my side I am sweet it makes me sick to know that i can be so blind..." --"Stupid" by Oleander Yeah I'm bored so i thought i'd sing to you. 9:53pm: So here i am again. have you ever felt super weird, like you're sick, but you just dont know why? i think i am worried about a whole bunch of things all at once. this cant be good at all. i dont feel like myself, and i have a million things to do. my problem is in the way i handle stress. when there is something stressful happening and i don tknow how to deal with it, i simply just DONT deal with it. obviously this isnt responsible... but being responsible seems to be just plain BEYOND me when i'm under stress. so yeah i am just going to mope around, lying on my stomach on the stairs, napping to get away from my stress, and just finding other ways (like working on my website) to keep myself busy. i really like this song. since the new craze over weezer's new cd i find myself completely fascinated by any weezer music i can get my hands on. i'm not sure if this is the real title, but on napster this song is "el scorcho" bye "wezer". that's the only way you can get mainstream, compyrighted music now. look for the band name misspelled. so anyway, this song is good. i'm not sure what it really means. well it does kind of make sense. "i'm a lot like you so please, hello, i'm here, i'm waaaitin.... oh i think i'd be good for you, and you'd be good for me". i like that. i think that about certain guys sometimes. sadly they never seem to think that i'm right. maybe i'll just walk up to one of them someday and just say exactly those words to them. well probably not, but hey who knows. sometimes i srprise myself. maybe i'll surprise you all someday. hey i've been shocking, i've been daring. haha well ok maybe not. i'm working on it! thursday, may 10th, 2001, 9:28pm yessssssssssss. i am a stud corner. well ok not really but the coaches are under the ILLUSION that i'm decent, and i'm not going to argue with them. i really just joined powder puff for the t-shirt. i cant believe how much i like it. i guess you really should try everything (positive) once. well anyway i got that weezer cd today. i havent listened to it yet. i'm waiting. i'm going to wait and play it while i'm fallin asleep so it gets subconsciously stuck there and i can be playin the songs over and over in my head while i take care of the stupid AP US history test tomorrow. YIKES i am scared shitless about that. what's with all these tests? i TOOK the class why do i need a test too? just to verify that i'm smart enough to earn a college elective credit before i get to college? um no. any idiot can do that. oh well, i will spend most of my time daydreaming about rodrigo, my secret loverboy. haha i hope he is reading this or i am wasting words. for real though, i am the worst at focusing on tests. especially if there is a window. oh i pray there are no windows. then i'm a goner. i'll just look at the beautiful may weather out the window and think of all the fun i could be having out there and completely forget that i'm even taking a test. i mean, why is the test going to interfere with MY deep emotional thoughts? like the other day i was so deep in my own thoughts i started crying in the middle of class. thats no good. they should have a "thinking class". where you just sit there and think. of course most of the time i would just think about the great times i have with RODRIGO, but then there would be room for other deep, meaningful thoughts. who knows what about, but i know they would be there. wo, i hope i can sleep tonight. it will be hard with all those passionate dreams about rodrigo. friday, may 11th, 2001, 4:16pm i had my first job interview today. there are 600 applicants. oh no way do i have THAT much charisma. but at least i gave it a shot and i know i tried. it's a really hot day. i did not like wearing that skirt for so long. it better not happen again. i think i saw this guy today. and if it was him he didnt recognize me, probably cause my hair is brown now and i was wearing a skirt. and if it wasnt him he didnt recognize me cause he didnt know me. anyway, it was weird and i felt so nervous. it's because he KNEW how i felt. and that scares me. i dont like when people know about my feelings. thats so weird though. cause like.... i am really not a fake person. and for the most part i'm honest. but if i have feelings which make me vulnerable, i want no one to know about them. so when people do, i feel so exposed and i dont know what to do. thats really weird. i'm gonna think about that one. saturday, may 12th, 2001, 6:40pm today i was kind of wondering.... what is my purpose? i mean, i kind of know what purpose i want to have when i am older, but i cant just up and join the peace corps right now. so how can i help people while i am leading my busy little average teenage life? maybe that's why i feel like something is missing. i dont feel like i am helping people, when there are so many people that need to be helped. wouldnt it be so cool if i could tie a bandana around my face and go become part of the zapatista national liberation army?? they treat women like they are equals to men, and i'm sure indigenous mexican people have blue eyes. plus a lot of them cant speak spanish either. blah now i am just being stupid. but how can anyone find fulfillment in living like i live? its like, are you joking me? we are THAT caught up in the dumbest things? why do people give a shit about prom when people all over the world are fighting just to have their basic rights and needs met? i guess i should feel lucky that i dont have to worry about those things, but all i really feel is guilt. i am sure there are ways i could use my good fortune to help those people. that is why i am not like everyone else.... because i actually spend so much time dwelling on this stuff. sunday, may 13th, 2001 10:52pm i want to be a walking contradiction. by the way i look i want to confuse people, so they cant just think they have me figured out by seeing me. so they have to actually get to know me before they judge me. that was what was so great about having my bright hair. because people took the time to talk to me. a lot of adults thought i was like some hardcore punkass (like that's bad or something) or that i was on drugs. but that was just them making snap judgements. people who actually took the time to ask about me realized i'm the biggest goody goody ever. dying my hair was my way to express myself and to make people realize that I AM TIRED OF BEING NORMAL and that i am tired of being just like everyone else, because i am SO NOT like everyone esle. no one really is like everyone else. society just has this way of lumping people together. i figured out how to beat society and be my own person. that was MY way to be my own person and i know other people have their ways. but not everyone uses them and i wish they would. I think people, especially teenagers would be way more credible if they didnt always try to be something they are not. monday, may 14th, 2001, 8:14pm today i had the most awesome experience. I got a chance to hear the dalai lama speak in portland. how great is that? he is so.... brilliant. he knows his life is meant to serve others, and he believes so strongly in peace. i mean, what other living person has their priorities as straight as he does? he also said something right at the beginning that i really needed to hear. "everyone have right to happiness". he went on to explain how you can be happy and have warmth toward others in you. despite the not always clear english, i could not have asked for a better message. i will always admire that man and his awesome ideas on peace and kindness. hmmm in other news.... lets see. oh yeah. that guy who i saw but who didnt see me....yeah that was him. it has been confirmed. haha. ya know i got so nervous i'm kind of glad i have the disguise of my new brown hair. i'm so ridiculous sometimes. do you ever just not feel like feeling embarassed? i think that's how it was. of course now i kick myself for not saying hi.... but in the long run....who cares. life goes on. eventually time goes on in such a manner that eventually what seemed like an eternity will be only a year, and then it will be actually just a few months, and then a few weeks, and then before you know it, a mere second of my life and nothing more. so i will not worry about things that were only a mere second to begin with, because in a week, it should be gone completely....right?? oh man am i weird. tuesday, may 15th, 2001. 10:47pm after all this avoiding questions about colleges, i think i may have decided on one. this is a big step for me because i usually deny that i am even nearing the time that i must go to college. i mean, who needs it? actually most people do. but i dont really want to just follow the average way, the thing that everyone does. graduate high school, go to college, graduate, become a professional, get married, have 2.5 kids, live in a nice house in a suburban area with two cars and a picket fence. BLAH. does that actually sound like a purposeful life??? so here is what my current plan is. i'm going to go to idaho state university, because it is near a good snowboarding place and you can get in state tuition there.... also i believe they have a latin american studies program... so i will hopefully major in that, and minor in spanish. then i will find some position with the peace corps or some other organization and help poor people in mexico or other poor countries in latin america. now that i temporarily have my future planned out i am way less stressed. who knows how it will turn out. all i know is that i cant live my life like everyone else. i explode w/ frustration when people come into my classes and tell us that we have to go to college so we can become professionals and make a lot of money when we grow up. that is not what i want... why do they try to make us be something that THEY want instead of what WE want? if i want to be a professional burger flipper, i wish they would encourage that and say "well then be the best damned burger flipper you can be"....instead of "sorry, you wont make enough money doing that and that is not acceptable, you must go to college and fit the mold". so screw them. i will work my ass off at whatever i decide to do. i think there is something in the Bible about that. God really knows his stuff. more people should read his advice! ok i'm done, good night. wednesday, may 16th, 2001 9:29pm before i start with my stupid little attempt at poetry i would like to state that this is not aimed at anyone, it is only based on observations made in general. here goes nothing amigos, this is the first poem of mine i have let anyone read. so quick, like a bird of prey you swept down on her and soon you realized she tasted bad. just a little girl, barely ripe not ready to fly in the clutches of your claws. too soon too soon. you should have taken your time but you were in a hurry. what exactly was the rush? and did you know that when without warning you dropped her how badly it would hurt? oops your bad. maybe you'll learn like she learned not to fly so high. well there we have it amigos. i started writing poems quite a bit ago. but i never wrote them for anyone but myself, so i never showed them to anyone but myself. i really enjoy writing (as if you didnt notice), so i thought what the hell i'll try that poetry thing. to tell you the truth i hate reading poetry, even my own. but i LOVE writing it. is that a little weird? oh well. today was a really BAD day for me. i was so tired. it's like that tired where you cant think about anything but how tired you are. my eyes were only half open, and they were watery and bloodshot from my mild spring allergies. someone asked me if i was high. such a ridiculous question i could have laughed, had i not been so delirious. i really wish i was doing my homework right now so i could go to bed. but i probably wont even do my homework. maybe i'll go to school early tomorrow and do it. maybe not. that's what i'll shoot for though. i'm really good at setting goals. attaining those goals....well lets not go there. i was thinking today that maybe i need a change of scenery. the same boring surroundings lead me to have the same depressing thoughts, and that cannot be good. wouldnt it be cool, if i could go live in the mountains in a little igloo for like a year so i could just figure myself out, without the influence of any evil outside forces? ok now people are like "nicole, you're losing it" that is ok though. i need to lose it. that's why i am so psycho i never let myself go. monday, may 17th, 2001 1:46pm when do you draw the line? when do you decide to end a friendship entirely, or at least temporarily? it's like i have a friend who really doesnt respect me or how i feel about things, and makes sure to manipulate me and feel completely dumb at all times. first of all, is this really even a friend? but more importantly, why do i allow other people to make me feel like shit in the first place? as assertive as i can be, i am also completely passive. i dont always stand up for myself when i know i should. i'm tired of doing that. i dont even notice i do it until later. i give people too much credit, to me they always deserve one more chance. but they dont, ya know that? if you disrespect me, and keep disrespecting me, your ass should be kicked. my major philosophy is that everyone deserves respect, and i try to give that to everyone, but does someone who doesnt respect others deserve respect? this is a question that has baffled me for quite some time. because how it usually works in my mind is that if someone proves to be disrespectful, they lose their right to respect. however, this strikes me as contradicting and hypocritical. because if i then, in turn disrespect the disrespectful person, i theoretically would lose my right to respect. puzzling, isnt it. i mean yeah, i SHOULD respect all people, but mean people suck! they dont count as people. hey there's a good solution. not really but it works as an excuse for me not to respect them. i think there is no answer. oh well if you have an answer tell me it in my guestbook. 10:47: what is jealousy for? i hate it. i easily become jealous of people, it seems. i even find myself being as materialistic as to envy peoples' cars. they drive by and i think "damn, why cant i have a car like that???" but you know, as comfortable as i am with myself, there are things i would happily change in an instant. like the size of my thighs and my double chin. pretty superficial, isnt it? i mean, i am constantly bombarded with the image that i am supposed to be. as much as i resist, you can only push it away for so long. i cant even read magazines like seventeen anymore because by the time i'm done i feel so shitty about myself, i want to cry, and then i dont eat anything the rest of the day. how sad is that that we have to live in a world like this?? night of friday, may 18th, 2001, 1:56am i am at naomi's...we're going snowboarding in the morning, i'm really pumped. i honestly dont have anything i can think of to say today. my life has been pretty run of the mill lately. this is a fact i regret but do not combat. it's a pain in the ass actually. eventually something new is going to happen. it just has to. night of saturday, may 19th, 2001, 12:31am wow. i really should be going to bed earlier. but that's alright because i had an amazingly good day. naomi, ryan, and i went snowboarding in the wonderful may weather. it was awesome. even though i set the alarm wrong and didnt wake up until 5 minutes after we were supposed to pick up ryan an hour and a half away (did you follow that?), and then naomi's car tried to break on us on the way up.... it was still so much fun. just being on my snowboard for the rest of my life would make me eternally happy. like if heaven is whatever you want it to be, snowboarding is my heaven. because then i could be there always. my face got really sunburnt, like around my goggles, but i love these because they remind me of how much fun i had! anyway, yeah after, naomi and i went to governor's cup because precursor was playing and they're really good and brian's really cute, and i really needed to get out. so there is me with my red face (or half face) in my sweatshirt and jeans, and all i can think about is i wish brian and i would have hung out more. like i know that people have said it's not a good idea....but you know I NEED TO START DOING THINGS FOR MYSELF. i know that it sucks to get hurt, but i'm never going to learn if i dont get hurt. so i need to suck it up and be a man (just kidding). i'm tired of letting everyone but me run my life. so fuck my parents and fuck what people say. i'm doing things my own way now. monday, may 21st, 2001, 12:58pm yeah i think you could say i had a pretty tight weekend. and i dont use the word tight very often, so you can imagine how much fun i had. today all i have been thinking is that i wish snowboarding was cheap so i could do it all summer long because i just really need to. it'd be really cool to work up there if i didnt have to babysit 4 days a week. and i dont mind babysitting, but man, being in the snow everyday??!!! snowball fights all the time! i love the snow! it turns me into a little kid i swear. 10:27pm: not everything turns out as bad as you think it will. i know that i should try new things and that is why i do, but sometimes i'm so stressed about them, i make them worse than they have to be. sometimes new things actually turn out to be pleasant experiences. how refreshing. i think, however, in the future, that i will simply go insane because of my parents. they are absolutely driving me up the wall. the nagging never ends. it's like HELLO, you dont need to run my life, i am capable of running it just fine. perhaps not always the right way or the responsible way, but what matters is that it's MY way and MY life. i mean, they cant be running my life forever. in a year i'm going to be away from here, and then what?? who will tell me to get off the phone at ten or clean my room?? NO ONE! so they need to realize that i'm testing it out now, with them to back me up IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES ONLY! does that make sense? i think it does, but lots of things make sense to me and only me. and NOTHING i say makes sense to the evil ones. thursday, may 24th, 2001, 3:21pm i dont understand this heat wave in the middle of may in oregon. this is unheard of. i dont even enjoy this. i feel like death is upon me. this has made me appreciate public places that have air conditioning way more. also i appreciate people more. people are awesome, just as long as you get to know them before you judge them. i have had happy surprises all week. friday, may 25th, 2001, 11:19pm all day i have been pondering the question of what exactly attracts one person to another? i mean, often times it has to do with looks. but what about when it doesnt? and also, how is it that someone can seem to become more attractive as you like their personality more and more? it just seems so strangely random to me how these things happen. i am utterly perplexed by human nature, and i find myself spending way too much time thinking about it. i find myself also completely afraid of repeating the past, while i know that i know better than that. It's just that in my being too careful, i'm going to forget to have fun and live a little. and believe it or not...i want to LIVE. it's like there is this little part in me always saying "oh come on you wuss, what are you going to lose? just have some fun you idiot!!!" so more and more i have found myself doing things that have turned out to be really good for the way my life is working. and i could never be happier than i am at this moment and i havent even taken my zoloft all week. i watched Dead Poets Society for the first time this week and first of all may i say that is one hella tight movie. anyway, the teacher tells them CARPE DIEM, or SEIZE THE DAY! i love that. i need to do that more often. you know, always thinking of what happens in the long term can be bad for a person. it makes them forget just how damned fun the present can be! oh and footnote: for all you idiots including my closest friends who think that you're just da shit because you can sit around on weekends and get wasted as hell and act like an idiot all night....knock it off! do something with your life! you all have so much potential!!! quit wasting it on being average! saturday, may 26th, 2001, 11:24pm i love mxpx. seriously i am in love with them. i cannot believe i actually finally got the chance to hear them play today. they were amazing. i was having fun the rest of Little Stink.....but then mxpx came on and i lost myself. i have never made that big of an idiot out of myself, and i have CERTAINLY never had more fun doing it! i love just being a complete dork. that is who i really am anyway. the car ride up was very quiet....leaving poor old psycho me to my thoughts. and i hate this that whenever i am like that i always think about how great it would be to have a boyfriend. i mean how pathetic am i? dwelling on how much happier my life would be if only i had that approval from some crotch-scratching, burping, drunken, ego-inflated guy. how sad! i just dont understand all of this, ya know? i think i am not supposed to, because if i did understand it i would be getting paid millions of bucks to share the secret with other lost teenage souls. let us see. i know there are many things on my mind. i hate when i wait until i am this tired to type on my webpage because then i am so out of it i cant think of anything i want to write. and i actually had lots today! oh here is something. how do people with pierced lips kiss? we were discussing this today and it has completely baffled us. i mean, you cant just take it out first.... and just not kissing at all would kind of suck. so what do you do? this is another question that if anyone has an answer to, write it in my guestbook. night of sunday, may 27th, 2001, 12:50am i am so confused by the ups and downs of my life. but today had many ups, so i think i will ignore my confusion. the less time i spend at home, the more fun i have and the happier my life is. this is sad for my parents though, and i feel bad. however, after their whole evil speech yesterday about what a bitch i am, i could care less how i affect them. they gave up that privelege. since i am already a bitch, i might as well continue being one, right? anyway, i have felt very emotional also lately. and NO i am not pmsing. haha. i have just felt many emotions very strongly. like whatever i am feeling, it seems to mulitiply and become larger than life. it's really weird. but ya know, when that emotion is a HAPPY one, i am very very glad to have it multiplied! i dont know what is so different all of the sudden. the thing i find funny is that i can have fun w/out partying. 'cause most people assume you cant. and whatever that's fine. i mean, my whole policy is do whatever you want, just dont do it around me. but i still dont really understand people's motivation for doing it. all i see is how many people regret things that they do when they're drunk and stuff. i mean obviously there's something good about it or people wouldnt do it. i simply wonder if they will find it to be as much fun once drinking is legal for them. i think they'll just realize how sad they look sitting around in someone's house every night getting really drunk. but who knows, maybe they can just remain that way forever and be really losery adults. ok now i'm just being mean. i'm shutting up. the whole point is that my life is so full without it.....what are they getting out of it? i need to go sneeze. monday, may 28th, 2001, 7:45pm Artist: Weezer Album: Pinkerton Title: El Scorcho goddamn you half japanese girls do it to me every time oh, the redhead said you shred the cello and i'm jello, baby 'cause you wont talk won't look won't think of me i'm the epitome a public enemy why you wanna go and do me like that? come down on the street and dance with me i'm alot like you so please hello i'm here i'm waiting (oh) i think i'd be good for you and you'd be good for me i asked her to go to the green day concert you said you'd never heard of them (how cool is that?) how cool is that? so i went to your room and read your diary watching grunge leg job new jack through a press table then my heart stopped listening to chocho san fall in love all over again i'm alot like you so please hello i'm here i'm waiting (oh, it's breaking my heart) i think i'd be good for you and you'd be good for me how stupid is it i can't talk about it i gotta sing about it and make a record of my heart how stupid is it won't you gimme a minute just come up to me and say hello (my heart) how stupid is it for all i know you want me too or maybe you just don't know what to do maybe you're scared to say i'm falling for you i wish i could get my head outta the sand 'cause i think we'd make a good team and you would keep my fingernails clean but that's just a stupid dream that i won't realize 'cause i can't even look in your eyes without shakin' and i ain't fakin' i'll bring home the turkey and you bring home the bacon yes dont we all just love weezer. anyone who wants to buy Pinkerton for me to make my Weezer collection complete....be my guest. that reminds me....my 17th birthday is right around the corner folks. ooooh 17 woohoo. there is nothing spectacular about this birthday. it is simply there. 16....you can drive.....18....you're your own person.....17.....NOTHING. well the only good way to look at this is that i will be one more year closer to 18, the year i will be free. my 18th birthday i am getting my nose and tongue pierced, and i am getting a tattoo. i am sure that will be the most painful day of my life, but definitely it will be worth it. i would pierce my nose on my own, but i tried it last year and it hurt really badly. then i tried using icy hot to numb it....which was dumb anyway....but even dumber was putting icy hot on the INSIDE of my nose. of course it wasnt until the unnatural fire-like burning began that i decided to read the "WARNING: KEEP AWAY FROM MUCOUS MEMBRANES" label on it. yeah needless to say, that was one of my less intelligent plans. of course there are many of those, but none quite as.....out there. wow, how did we go from a heat wave to winter again?? i'm going to go bundle up. tuesday, may 29th, 2001, 10:30pm well yes what a nice day. have you ever been in that mood where even the worst thing is just SO FUNNY?? like the teacher yells at you so you LAUGH as hard as you can for ten minutes? many people would just call me weird....hell, i would call me weird. however, i really like these days. nothing bothers me, and all i do is have fun. and who doesnt want to have fun?? the weather was good, the life was good....what a just darned good day!!! even now, as i sit here in my pajamas and bare feet and i half watch blind date while i type....i am laughing. not aloud, because my family is sleeping. but in here, in my heart, i am silently laughing. laughing so hard that my eyes are watering and my heart is overflowing with joy. the funny thing is this joy is random. it must be God. He wants me to be happy. and i want Him to continue to fill me with this feeling. i havent been this happy in a really long time. thursday, may 31st, 2001 1:37pm jenn had me try some of this perfume she has.....romance by ralph lauren. usually i dont buy perfume except for like the miniature sized bottles you get at gap for like 3 bucks, because perfume is expensive and i am cheap. i really like hers though. i got some on my hands and i keep smelling it. it's weird for someone to smell their hands. when it comes down to it though....i think it is more of a jenn smell than a nicole smell. everyone thinks jenn is my twin. it's kind of funny cause we're so different. "romance" fits her because she is always so pretty and she actually LIKES to get dressed in the morning. she has that sense of girliness that is hopelessly lost on me. i love Hula by Roxy because it's....i dunno sporty. and i'm not saying i'm sporty...cause that would imply that i'm GOOD at sports. but i dont know....the smell of it feels more carefree. i am such a weirdo.... i cant believe i have typed this much about perfume. and it's all cause i was smelling my hands like i dork. haha. ok well i hope jenn likes that i just wrote a whole little story about her. friday, june 1st, 2001 1:33pm yessssss. the heat wave has broken. and now i get to sit in complete comfort in a COLD room while i watch my matlock. anyway, yeah i plunged my first toilet today. this is a most NEW experience because i have always hated toilets and usually i refuse to plunge them. but today i am living on the edge. the only problem is i dont really know HOW to plunge a toilet. so.... i sat there plunging away and all the water drained out so then i flushed it, and it almost overflowed. i wonder what i am doing wrong. oh well. there is an out of order sign on the toilet now. hopefully someone will fix it. i'm just proud of myself for overcoming my fears of the big bad toilet monster. i'm such a dork. look at my topics lately. i think we could safely say i've gone psycho. maybe i'm just a little more lighthearted than usual. it sucks though because a lot of my friends are in just awful moods lately and i fell guilty if i express my good mood, because i feel like i'm disrespecting their sadness. what are we supposed to do about this? hmmm. i dont know. but certainly i will not let them bring me down. i am my own person. my favorite thing about this year is the fact that i have learned not to please other people. it's really important that i am who i am, and if that happens to be something other people like.....that's awesome. ya know? living to be myself makes me feel so entirely free. it's amazing. you dont have as much to worry about when you're not trying to please everyone. i can wear whatever the hell i want, and if someone thinks it's ugly, screw them. yeah that's how i like it. anyway i'm kind of going psycho right now from my pmdd. i want some crackers. 11:50pm: today was a big day in nicole-land. ladies and gentlemen.....i DANCED. you see, all throughout my poor little adolescence dancing has been something that i have refused to participate in because of my terribly overwhelming self-consciousness. even as i lost the reservations that haunted me in the middle school years......dancing has still been something i just do not do. but tonight was the oly luau.....in my opinion the best dance of the year. honestly i dont know why i went....since i never dance and at past dances i have just stood there with my arms crossed, hoping the time would pass. but i went. and as my friends led me into the most dense part of the dance, with people moving everywhere and the terrible rap music bumping....what else was there to do but dance. well ok i looked like a moron. i am completely sure of this. i look like a complete idiot when i dance. but still, i was dancing, and i was comfortable with myself.....and i had FUN. wow i'm in shock still. nicole dancing. who would have thought? oh my poor toes. what kind of idiot was i to wear flat little flipflops to that? my toes basically got trampled. even better, the dance was on the high jump pit, which is made out of like TAR. so i have bruised, bloody, completely BLACK feet. very attractive. it looks like i'm rotting away, starting with my feet. saturday night, june 2nd, 2001 12:13am wanna hear a funny story? the hot guy that works at the video store thought it would be really funny to make fun of my friends and i so when we rented the teaching mrs. tingle dvd (they put the dvd in the case after you bring it to the counter) he thought it would be funny to give us rugrats in paris instead. how jerky is that?? yeah. actually it's kind of funny/mean all at the same time. much of today i have been very warm. i like being warm, it makes me feel complete. i like that feeling when like my eyeballs are warm. it feels like i am so happy where i am at just that precise moment, that there would never be any point in moving. almost like a sleepy feeling, but better. but i most definitely COULD fall asleep with warm eyeballs. like now. i am so warm and it feels so good. i want to just fall asleep in this chair. sunday, june 3rd, 2001 5:16pm i'm so excited to go to chiapas again this summer. there are less than 2 months left until july 23rd....the day i get to fly for almost 20 hours to my favorite place in the world, hogar infantil. hogar is honestly what changed my life. i used to be like most of the girls that i know in high school. more concerned with which outfit to wear than with anything of importance. it took seeing children, in the midst of poverty, who were truly happy to be living, just because they get three meals a day, clothes, a bed, and friends. if i were thrown into a place like that without any warning a year ago, i would have flipped out. of course when i went there, i was prepared to live primitively for a week. but wow, was i glad i wasnt living there for the rest of my life. it's funny, because their surroundings at hogar are so primitive, yet their hearts are so much more advanced than any i see here. that is what made me realize that i want to spend my life striving for a life where my heart is as big as it can be, and i want that to show through how i treat people and how i interact with people. i mean, yes i am human, and i will not always to be the best i can be, but dammit i'm trying so hard. i guess that's why i've kind of let go of all that material stuff. i mean, i dont need that stuff to show people who i am. i want them to see who i am by seeing my heart. monday, june 5th, 2001 10:49pm i am dumbstruck by the ability of people my age to be so fickle. it would almost be amusing if so many people didnt get hurt by this teenage fickleness. i just dont understand what can change someone's mind so fast, so many times. i mean, i know it's normal to be absolutely confused as a teenager, but is it really necessary? luckily i do not have to deal with it at the moment. but in a way i do. because it is my obligation to be there for my friends who just CANT understand what is going on in their lives because someone they love is so damned fickle. it really is a shame that we all have to live in such a confused state. in the long run, it's all a part of growing up, getting hurt, learning, and moving on. but what about in the NOW run? you cant just brush it away like it is nothing. because you know it is going to fill the poor person's thoughts, dreams, and tears for several days, or probably longer. even at this happy time of graduation and summer break. i hope for all the confused people out there that they figure things out, that they find a way to follow their hearts instead of their heads, and to not live in fear or in wonder of what might have been. i want everyone to be happy in the present. this is harder for some than others. much harder i am sure. but what kind of crazy, happy place would we live in if everyone was happy in the present?? it would be so awesome. i would do a little dance like steve from blues clues. tuesday, june 5th, 2001 11:47pm how can everything be going so well right now? i dont really understand. i dont feel like i deserve it. but yeah it's not like i'm going to argue w/ God for sayin, "hey here ya go nicole, i thought you might need some fun." haha. it's nice when you dont have to worry about things. the end of the school year is coming up very quickly. that brings two and a half months of complete chillin. how great is that. no worries, nothin to do, just chill. can you imagine what i would do if they tried to make us have that year-round school schedule??? it'd be like neverending hell! but that is not how it is, and as of june 14th, i will only have a year left until school is over for good. college will not be like school. and who knows if i will go there right away anyway. so many possibilities, and only one life. why do they do that? what if i cant choose?? i am so lucky. so many people have no options while mine are endless. i am going to enjoy my luck, not dread it. wednesday, june 6th, 2001, 5:54pm today i went into a mexican grocery store. Marketa Mexicana. i was presented with the terrible dilemma of which language to speak. i mean, i dont even look mexican, so wouldnt they think i was a little stupid if i tried using my spanish 2 skills on them? of course, i'm not quite sure the guy spoke english, so it'd be kind of rude to speak english. i was so torn over this issue, i just walked up to the counter, put my goods down, and paid for them. the guy, probably just a bit older than me, was kind of awkwardly grinning, as was i, and finally as he handed me my change i decided i was being ridiculous, and i said "thank you". everyone knows "thank you", right? i know "gracias"!!! he said in barely distinguishable english "have a good night" and i left. so oh well, want to go back there sometime and practice my espanol skills. i really like spanish, and it couldnt hurt to get some cultural social skills, right? Wednesday, June 6th, 2001 11:05pm i have just been told that i should wear more makeup. and perhaps i should, i mean i certainly know i am not the prettiest girl in the world, maybe it would do some good. however, i feel more misunderstood than i ever have. have people COMPLETELY missed the point of me?? i am not a face. that is not what i am here for, that's not what people are supposed to see from me. a face. how superficial is that? how FAKE is that? i am not a face. i am a person, such a complicated person. i want THAT to be what people like about me. not my face. I dont think people really KNOW how much there is inside of me. i mean sure, i would be lying if i said i didnt want to be pretty. i mean everyone wants to be pretty. but i want to be pretty on my own. if anyone thinks that i am pretty, i want it to be MY FACE they see. not my face plus lots of paint. i can understand how this can be hard for people to understand. and to tell you the truth, had it been anyone else that had made the recommendation to me to wear more makeup, i would have said "fuck you" and gone on my merry little way. but stupidly i have begun to care what someone thinks about me. the one person that i actually almost want to impress had to say it. that's what sucks. because now there are so many ways to go about dealing with this. oh i was so happy when he liked me and had never seen me wearing makeup. was i just ugly that whole time? he didnt pass the makeup test. my only test. i am so easy to please, too. i am always the one who tells people "WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK???" yet here i am, my stomach turning over and my eyes dripping because i have to ask myself this exact question. have i let my heart run away with itself again? why do i always do this? thursday, june 7th, 2001 5:46pm "If someone does not smile at you, be generous and offer your own smile. Nobody needs more a smile than the one that cannot smile to others" --Dalai Lama (i think) 11:53pm: well i think i vented some of yesterday's frustrations. but i'm quite sure i didnt get the reaction i was looking for. of course i dont really know what reaction i was looking for, but that couldnt have been it. i definitely expect too much out of people. i should stop doing that. people are dumb, i should get used to it. weather they think so or not, a person will always be the most important character in the story of their life and sometimes they are bound to do things that they dont know will affect another person in a bad way. maybe someday i will find a way to surround myself with people that are more like me. and i will stop just figuring that people that i am opposites with will somehow just seem the same to me. i always think our differences wont matter. if only i didnt invest so much hope in people. am i wasting my time? probably. but i cant just let go now. now that i am attached. dammit. the night of friday, june 8th, 2001, 12:08am today i realized what a huge meaning graduation has for people. as my friends cried because their friends graduated, i smiled and cheered. i think all i see is that i am really happy for my friends that they are starting this absolutely wonderful part of their lives. plus, i can see them all summer. i know, though, that if i was graduating, it would feel so final. like "this is it???" now what??" luckily i find my self in possession of another year of living in a complete robotic and inhuman schedule and routine. anyway yeah, i'm not really looking forward to graduation, because it is the end and the beginning all at once and that scares me to no end. i really want to say more, but i took this benadryl that has completely knocked me out. i shouldnt have driven home. i need to go pass out. Saturday, June 9th, 2001 6:02pm i cant even believe it's six already. i got up at noon, so maybe that's why...then i spent over four hours typing an interview from a tape. it was 10 pages long. i think my eyes are fried from this screen. yet here i am...still typing. i wonder about myself sometimes. what a saturday! it's actually kind of relaxing. my allergies are awful right now, so i'm glad i dont have to see anyone. i look like i got in a fight, my eyes are so swollen. haha i'm a monster. anyway, yeah, today i've been going over the last week in my mind. it's all kind of just bizarre still to me. SO MUCH has gone on in a week. i dont know if i can handle so much drama. and i especially want no more drama in MY life. maybe it's just that i am torn. while things FEEL dramatic, i still know that really they're not that important. it's like, i feel guilty for having feelings. this cant be good. i always tell people to make sure they are happy. but i dont believe that i make sure i am happy. i have this unnatural worry implanted in me. that i am useless and that there are people who have REAL problems and MY problems are nothing. Why am i stopping myself from being happy? good question. i'll get back to you on that. wednesday, june 13th, 2001 8:39am i was going through an old journal and i came upon the time awhile ago when the whole thought of marriage creeped me out. i decided that if i was to ever be stuck with ONE person for the rest of my life, the would have to be UTTERLY perfect. that led me to think.....what was perfect for me? i came up with a list. i find the title quite amusing: nicole's dream guy requirements: (hardy har har) -sweet smile -respects everyone -finds the good in people no one likes -wants to help people -NO partying -genuine -non-superficial -likes to laugh -positive sense of adventure -polite -christian! now, while these dont seem that demanding, i know they are. and that's why REALISTICALLY, i know i will never actually find someone who meets "nicole's dream guy requirements". but hey, i have a feeling that if i ever do get married, i will love that guy in spite of, or maybe even because of his faults. i know no ones perfect, hell, i certainly am not! so you know, life should turn out well no matter what, and i will find a "perfect" guy, even if he isnt so perfect. |
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