Old Babble |
2nd Site: The Second Attempt |
the night of friday, june 8th, 2001, 12:08am today i realized what a huge meaning graduation has for people. as my friends cried because their friends graduated, i smiled and cheered. i think all i see is that i am really happy for my friends that they are starting this absolutely wonderful part of their lives. plus, i can see them all summer. i know, though, that if i was graduating, it would feel so final. like "this is it???" now what??" luckily i find my self in possession of another year of living in a complete robotic and inhuman schedule and routine. anyway yeah, i'm not really looking forward to graduation, because it is the end and the beginning all at once and that scares me to no end. i really want to say more, but i took this benadryl that has completely knocked me out. i shouldnt have driven home. i need to go pass out. Saturday, June 9th, 2001 6:02pm i cant even believe it's six already. i got up at noon, so maybe that's why...then i spent over four hours typing an interview from a tape. it was 10 pages long. i think my eyes are fried from this screen. yet here i am...still typing. i wonder about myself sometimes. what a saturday! it's actually kind of relaxing. my allergies are awful right now, so i'm glad i dont have to see anyone. i look like i got in a fight, my eyes are so swollen. haha i'm a monster. anyway, yeah, today i've been going over the last week in my mind. it's all kind of just bizarre still to me. SO MUCH has gone on in a week. i dont know if i can handle so much drama. and i especially want no more drama in MY life. maybe it's just that i am torn. while things FEEL dramatic, i still know that really they're not that important. it's like, i feel guilty for having feelings. this cant be good. i always tell people to make sure they are happy. but i dont believe that i make sure i am happy. i have this unnatural worry implanted in me. that i am useless and that there are people who have REAL problems and MY problems are nothing. Why am i stopping myself from being happy? good question. i'll get back to you on that. wednesday, june 13th, 2001 8:39am i was going through an old journal and i came upon the time awhile ago when the whole thought of marriage creeped me out. i decided that if i was to ever be stuck with ONE person for the rest of my life, the would have to be UTTERLY perfect. that led me to think.....what was perfect for me? i came up with a list. i find the title quite amusing: nicole's dream guy requirements: (hardy har har) -sweet smile -respects everyone -finds the good in people no one likes -wants to help people -NO partying -genuine -non-superficial -likes to laugh -positive sense of adventure -polite -christian! now, while these dont seem that demanding, i know they are. and that's why REALISTICALLY, i know i will never actually find someone who meets "nicole's dream guy requirements". but hey, i have a feeling that if i ever do get married, i will love that guy in spite of, or maybe even because of his faults. i know no ones perfect, hell, i certainly am not! so you know, life should turn out well no matter what, and i will find a "perfect" guy, even if he isnt so perfect. friday, june 15th, 2001, 11:55pm forced by my parents to stay home tonight, i accomplished some things. wow! look at me!! basically i cleaned my room. that's big for me. i never clean my room. well ok, i clean my room, but usually not very well. i didnt have a garbage can in there for awhile, so all my trash was just strewn about the floor, my clothes were EVERYWHERE except in the laundry basket, and i had countless school things that i had been too afraid to throw away. well, now i am happy to say that my room is clean. i can walk in a straight line from any one destination to another within my room, and not have to maneuver, step over, step on, etc. how pathetic am i that my clean room is the joy of my friday night. i have been awfully weird the last couple days. i always go through these random times where after being happy for awhile, i will go back into depression. its really quite annoying. but yeah i have basically been sleeping my days away and crying for absolutely no reason. to top it off, i am so hot i feel like i am having hot flashes right now. what the hell is going on?? i'm supposed to have LESS stress now that school is over. where is all of this coming from? i found another poem that i wrote march 24th. i like it, so here i go again making myself vulnerable. i should stop doing that. fading in and out of her reality the stress has made her ill yet no one senses no one notices that soon she will be gone and her body will live on, with no soul, no life inside it. night of saturday, june 16th, 2001, 12:58am there's this guy. and he is wonderful. i really like him and he's a really awesome guy. but there is this little nagging part of me that is really bugged. why does partying have to be so important to people? especially to HIM? i mean i dont want to change anyone. people can be whatever they want. but dont you ever wonder what if they WERE what you wanted? oh well i'm being ridiculous. it is probably because i need sleep. sunday, june 17th, 2001. 10:59pm life is fucking w/ me again. i hate that. i'm never stable. i suppose stable is boring. but man, this is confusing. so anyway i am trying to think of something to say that is ok for people to know. now that is hard. of course, it's not like anyone reads this anyway. how many hits have i had in the last week? oh that's right! TWENTY NINE! that's like 4 a day. woohoo nicole YOU are a famous beast. Then there's the fact that i eat so much i am blimping up and i really should become anorexic. hmmm. how do i get rid of my desire for food? i suppose my need to be skinny would have to outweigh my need to eat. that one would be really really hard to do. although my need to be skinny is very large. haha skinny.....large. i crack myself up. i have a feeling i'm not going to be saying anything of substance today. that's ok. do i usually? that's what i thought. wow i just got a craving for ice cream. bad nicole! anorexic people dont crave ice cream. too bad i am scarfing down some crackers as we speak. shhh dont tell anyone. tuesday, june 19th, 2001, 8:27pm before i begin i would like to reccomend that everyone downloads Sugar by System of a Down right now. i know i have mentioned it before, but gosh it's just like this completely EMOTIONAL song that expresses every frustration through simply the music. the lyrics are actually quite not good, like i wouldnt like just any song w/ such terrible lyrics. that's the thing though. the music captures extreme emotions. anyway yeah i suppose you could say i have been feeling some frustrations. add this to the confusion and heart-wrenching non-drama my life has presented to me in the last couple days, and i am a basket case and a half. its a matter of being torn between what is already safe and good, and what you know could be utter perfectness, but there is that sinking feeling that that perfectness is unattainable. frankly since the internet is a pretty un-private place, i find myself unable to elaborate, but trust me.... its too much for poor old me to handle. night of wednesday, june 20th, 2001, 12:28am on sunday i went to exit and with the help of julia and ryan i got a pair of really sweet flip flops....my favorite shoes. but i babysat in them on monday, and walked and walked. now there is a huge old sore on my foot. this saddens me b/c these flip flops were to replace my 2-year-old, hella comfy ones that i wear to mexico and stuff cause they're so comfortable. now i dont know what to do w/ my new ones. too painful. so poor me what should i do? i have never heard such a useless story. actually ok probably i have. but yeah i was down at riverfront park tonight and there is this group of hippies that gets together down there and like plays instruments and sings and dances late at night in the little grassy ampitheatre. my friends andi watched, it was kind of cool to observe a differnt lifestyle. a couple of my friends decided it was too weird. that bugged me because they were allowing their minds to be narrow and i did not appreciate that. i thought it was cool, even though the stench of weed was very present. oh well. anyway, theres some interesting things for you to hear. friday, june 22nd, 2001, 4:25pm i am bored as hell and it is not even my fault. my dumb parents just got home from mexico so they insist that i stay home....ALL DAY AND NIGHT. and of course its not even like they are doing anything w/ me. they just object to the fact that i am social. it is driving me nuts. parents just dont know what they are doing. at least they're giving me freedom on my birthday so i dont have to worry about that. i really think i am going crazy thanks to them already and i havent even been around them for 5 hours yet. actually i think i am just going crazy in general. like everything frustrates that little spot in the pit of my stomach. well besides that, i have decided to live on the edge this summer. i am tired of playing things safe, i am tired of not taking chances. i need to take advantage of these irresponsible years and just do whatever i damn well please. that's how it must work from now on.. otherwise, what will i have accomplished in life? nothing. i hate that some people dont know how to open their minds. i am willing to see things as just another thing i could be, but by fate am not. like who knows, maybe i could have been one of those dancing hippies in the park. why not? they were friends who like to have fun. is that not what my friends and i are? we just have different ways of doing it. like when i see a goth person downtown, i no longer see them as some weird person. because if you try and look past the makeup and the hair and the clothes for a few seconds, you see a plain old teenager. just like anyone else, who has a unique way of expressing themselves. i see nothing in the world wrong with expressing yourself. that's how you show the world your independence. its simply fate that made me not express myself that way. heaven knows i have my own weird ways of doing that! saturday, june 23rd, 2001, 10:32am he still does not understand me, he still wants to change me. i dont try to make him change, even though i could think of one thing i wouldnt mind changing....changing for someone is not what i believe in. i always want to remain true to myselfd i dont want anyone to think that i am going to change just for them. that's what he thinks will happen but i have news. i'm not changing myself for anyone. there are things, actually people that have been frustrating me a lot lately. the only way i can get through this stress is to remember that in a while these things will seem stupid and i will wonder why i had such a hard time with them. i have to remember that God does not present me with things i cant handle. He knows i am strong and He knows that i can handle a lot, so now i just have to trust that i can get through things i am presented with. Sunday, june 24th, 2001, 11:38pm follow your heart. it may be more painful, it may be more confusing, but in the end if you follow your heart, you will know that you have lived as you were supposed to live. i used to follow what my head told me, but ya know, i'm tired of that. i'm livin a little now. when my head tells me things i spend too much time worrying and that is no good. tomorrow is my birthday. i wonder why i am so un-excited. i think it is probably because i am only turning 17. first of all, most of my friends will be 18 within a couple months. the other thing is that i find myself knowing more and more people who are older than me. i just feel SO YOUNG. like "what, i was only 16???" that's so little. that's like sophomores. geez. well you know, i cant really CHANGE when my birthday is, so i guess i'll just go with the flow. i feel like i am too old for my age though. that makes no sense. but i feel like MY PERSON is too old for my age. hmmm. we'll think about that one. anyway, hopefully people wont mind my young age as much as i do. monday, june 25th, 2001. 7:17pm how ironic, i'm writing this at 7:17. and now i am seventeen. i didnt know that i would feel younger on a birthday. well oh well. i had a really fun birthday. i really wasnt going to make my birthday that big of a deal. and when i invited my friends to lunch at la hacienda, i just thought it would be nice to all get together. i didnt know i would be getting presents, and that they would steal my check and not let me pay. but you know, it feels really nice to have my birthday be a big deal for once. usually everyone is busy and or gone, so it's just me and the fam. so i feel refreshed. and it is so flattering to know that people actually care about me. sometimes i need to know that i actually matter. how pathetic does that sound? haha i suppose everyone needs encouragement sometimes. but yeah overall, my day was busy but worth it. i got myself a brand new pair of flipflops. so mens quiksilver ones. i dont care if they are mens. it is like i am walking on pillows. honestly it is like heaven. great investment, even if they were too expensive. 1:22am tonight i was watching tv with brian when an ad for "Unbreakable", the movie, came on. he just HAD to ask if i had seen it. ooooooh, have i seen it. you dont even know. thank goodness there was no further discussion. it brought back hella bad memories, and i really didnt feel like explaining THAT whole ordeal today. tuesday, june 26th, 2001, 12:08pm you just cant expect that much out of people. i keep forgetting that. i hate when i forget, because then people let me down, and that's no fun. lately theres this not-right, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it frustrates me because i dont know why it is there, and why i have to feel it. obviously somethings not right, but what is it? and WHY? do you ever think about how many "why"s you wonder about in a day? i think "why?" is the most common question. everyone always wants *needs* to know more. i guess there are those people that take everything at face value. but how annoying! how could you be so dense that you just accept everything and not try to look deeper??? i suppose that stupidity, that ignorance, could make life a hell of a lot more enjoyable, but somehow i would think it would be way less fulfilling. does that make any sense? dont you hate when i get in my cynical, grumpy moods? i do, but i cant help it. i am a product of surrounding influences and how they make me feel. 10:07pm i love summer rain. i was baking cookies for the kids i was babysitting tonight, and their kitchen window was open. i had them busy watching my favorite movie in the other room, so they were quiet, but suddenly i heard the summer rain. i like summer rain because it is different than winter rain. living in oregon, i should be the expert on rain. it seems to me, that summer rain is much less harsh. the sound of it seems to say "slow down, enjoy this quietness". the thing about summer rain is that it is relatively warm, and so quiet. not much wind, just a steady stream of quietly falling rain. i dont even mind walking through it. the sound of summer rain really calms me down. i love it. 12:07am NicolaO02: yeah i believe in fate but i dont think it believes in me wednesday, june 27th, 2001. 4:10pm i want my life to have a soundtrack. wouldnt that be so awesome? so there could be like the perfect song for every moment following me around. i could do that in my head, but i wouldnt always be able to think of the perfect song. plus, everyone should hear it, wouldnt that be fun? ok so this is kind of pointless, but i've been too busy today to think of any points....new ones at least. ok ok i'll try a little harder and get back to you later. 8:36pm i got the new mxpx cd for my birthday. Artist: MxPx Album: The Ever Passing Moment Title: My Life Story I was on my way To be with you today well you know it's true Because I wouldn't lie to you First my car broke down So then I had to hitch a ride I was almost there When the motor died Don't hate me forever I'm better late than never I failed you I'm sorry That's simply my life story I know it's much too late To take you on a date I know that it's no use But this is my excuse I was in a plane And it was falling from the sky I knew I had to survive So I could say goodbye You change your mind Like I change the time That I was gonna call you Or say I was about to You change your mind Like I change the time I said that I would be there But then I didn't have a thing to wear "Don't hate me forever, I'm better late than never, I failed you, I'm sorry, That's simply my life story" thursday, june 28th, 2001, 11:47am i've go to be the worst advice-giver ever. i've noticed that i never follow my own advice. i dont know why people always ask me for advice. i give them advice i cant even follow. maybe it's just that i tell them to do what i wish i could do. i would say that i wish i had someone to give ME advice, but honestly i hate when people give me advice. look at me, i think you could call me an all-around hypocrite! 11:11pm some people say that they dont understand why people purposely keep themselves in situations that make them unhappy. i agree with this confusion, however i recognize that it is WAAAAAYYY more complicated than that. like what if they are just used to their circumstances. or maybe, although they are unhappy quite a bit, when they are happy, it is a happiness that makes the unhappiness not matter anymore. i know these things are not healthy, but they are human, so i figure no one can really do jack about it. i guess we all will just be living for the happy moments so we can forget the unhappy ones. maybe we can have hope after all. night of saturday, june 30th, 2001, 1:39am i'm having a really bad night, mentally. and i hate that whenever i am really sad i always say or think "i want to go home" even if i am already home. what does that really mean? does it just mean that i want to feel comforted? i think that is probably it, but i get in the habit of thinking i "need to go home". honestly i really just wish i could curl up in my bed and cry. but oh that is such a sad sight. i dont want to be a sad sight. i just want to feel happy. i cant understand how they think they can determine that someone is "better" from depression, and how they can just rip your zoloft away from you. it kept me in control, it pushed away how i feel now. i used to despise it for that, i thought it didnt let me feel. but right now i want to not feel. i want to be the happy-go -lucky girl who invented the phrase "ignorance is bliss". why am i not ignorant? why dont i even know what bliss feels like? sunday, july 1st, 2001, 2:52pm i think now we are going to add to my list of mental problems: insomnia. it's not that i dont sleep, its that i wake up several times, and through the whole night i feel as if i have gotten no sleep whatsoever. so here i am, awake as can be, but am i really awake as can be? who knows. all i know is i lack the ability to nap at the second, so i find myself at a loss for anything productive to do. one might say "hey nicole, call someone!" but i dont even know if i want to do that because i am in that mood where a lot of people annoy me, and when i feel like that i tend to be mean. and heaven knows i am not one who takes joy in being mean to people so maybe i'll pass on that whole idea. i wish i had cable because then i would be watching tv. maybe if i go lay in my bed long enough, i will fall asleep. i will go try it and let you know how it goes. wednesday, july 4th, 2001. 2:08pm wow i cant believe i have neglected my page this long. its just that the last two days were EXTREMELY BUSY. but hey i am a hundred dollars richer now so whatever. well i dont have much to say for myself to tell you the truth. i am beginning to tolerate people a little better again. its easier when you realize that they cant all be what you want them to be. sometimes i get so fed up with being there for everyone else, i get extremely selfish. that's not good since i cant stand selfish people, but it's just the way it is. when i get in that mindset, i tend to expect things out of people that they cant produce. also with some people, you just cant have any expectations except for that they will fail you. for those people, you love them anyway, because they dont do things wrong on purpose, so you cant really be mad about it. thursday, july 5th, 2001. 11:55am do you ever get really creeped out when you get sick? its like all these little microscopic things invading your body and making you feel like crap. i dont know, all i know is that they are attacking my throat and i am NOT too happy at all. hmmm do you know what's really fun to do when you're bored? go to taco bell late at night, and eat as you guess which people that come in are high. it is actually quite amusing. the people that are like "huh?? what??" and look around w/ their red-eyed blank stare are just too much for me. luckily they dont know when we are laughing at them because they are too out of it. i wish people would not do it, but since they do, i will feel free to laugh at them ALL I WANT. friday, july 6th, 2001. 5:59pm this is going to be one long year. the power struggle i have with my parents is neverending. mostly if i just stay away from here as much as possible, it works out ok. of course there is the occasional bout of them getting annoyed with me never being home, and that is never good. however, i feel that it is best to stay away. i have a routine of being asleep when they leave, leaving before they get home, and coming home when they are asleep or almost asleep. that way, we never have a problem!! well yeah, besides that i am really torn between wanting to enjoy senior year while wanting to get it over with. i mean, it should be great, but wow, i am so excited to get out of here and live my life. this whole theory that i have outgrown high school seems really accurate right now. but who knows, i know i am still very immature in many ways. another year, and i will feel even older. saturday, july 7th, 2001, 1:38pm do you ever have this thing, and you KNOW you shouldnt worry about it, but you cant help it? you tell yourself over and over...."its not a problem, there is nothing to worry about, it's all in your head." yet it stays in your head, and it sits back there and nags you just to make you squirm? sometimes i just want to open up my head and take that nagging thought out and throw it to the ground so i can stomp on it and make it go away. or maybe i could mail it to russia or something. then it would be sure never to come back and bother me. see, the thing is, i know i am being ridiculous, yet i cant help it. all i have to do is trust people, but sometimes that seems like the hardest thing. because who do you trust? everyone is going to let you down eventually...so what is the point? and gosh darnit, when did i become so cynical?? 11:34pm: there's this awesome christian music thing going on downtown at the skate park. its awesome, like HARDCORE christian music. that's the only good kind of course! so yeah it was a pretty awesome experience going down there tonight. the thing is i feel weird making my friends be there because a lot of them arent really into that kind of music and stuff. also there are a lot of people who are "different" down there. for me, it's like this awesome experience to look around and see all of these other people who do different things and who for some reason possess NO inhibitions about certain things. in a way i admire them. however sometimes i feel that everyone is trying to be some image. for example, there are people that think they have to live up to this rich-kid-prep standard, and others who try to fit the "i am a badass punk" image. my question is why are images so important anyway? like what, you're gonna fit in w/ people betta that way? i dont know, i'm going through my weird, "wear whatever you want" stage right now. so basically i go around in whatever i can find to wear and i'm just like whatever, people see what they want, i'm not out there anyway, i'm in here, underneath my clothes. wow that sounds WAY not like i wanted it to, but maybe you can get the picture! monday, july 9th, 2001. 1:50pm well it finally hit. i am super sick now. i have no ability to talk. i either quietly croak or whisper. my throat and ears are on fire, my eyes are watery, my nose is runny and stuffy, and i think i have a fever. its awful. but oh well. all i can say is thank goodness i am sick NOW. because i leave for mexico in just 2 weeks from today folks! all i can say is WOW i am excited. i cant wait to be down there again! at the same time, i am quite a bit nervous. how will it be different? how will i be different? what if i dont survive the plane trip? 3 planes each way, thats taking a lot of chances! i guess because i didnt go on a lot of planes from the time i was 8 to the time i was 16, but i DID hear about every single crash, i will never feel safe on them. plus, what really bugs me is the whole thing about getting no sleep. we have to get up early the day we leave to meet at the church to pack the big bags, then get ready to go the rest of the day, then the plane doesnt take off until 11:50 PM, so OF COURSE, why not just sleep on the plane? haha this is just a cruel joke to nicole. stemming from my embarrassment that i breathe through my mouth while sleeping, i find it impossible to sleep on planes! so many people around WATCHING, or that at least have the POTENTIAL to be watching. plus, to make matters worse, you must be SITTING UP while on an airplane. now i just do not understand how people can sleep while sitting up, that it just WEIRD if you ask me, however no one asked me! so yeah i will get into Tuxtla-Gutierrez at about 4:00pm our time, i believe.... and i wont be going to bed until late that night. so there are over 36 hours that i will be awake. haha you should have seen me hallucinate on our final plane from mexico city to tuxtla last year. i think i may have slept a bit on that short flight because i cant remember much about it. except that we were the only white people on the whole plane. a group of 8 white tourists in the back of the plane. that was amusing. then i remember really needing to pee after i got off the plane and then the little airport's bathrooms didnt have toilet seats. how traumatizing! haha ok well i think i have written a little too much and everyone is probably bored. i'm so excited! 10:43pm: she lives to be herself, though she never is FULLY comfortable with it, only because the people around her cant understand her. its not that this is a flaw of theirs, but it is rather a flaw of humankind. she cannot claim to understand them, all she knows is what she thinks and how she feels for herself. she is only responsible for herself. sometimes those things dont even make sense to her. because to her, everything is more than it seems, she can never truly be at rest. there is always something she must know. sometimes she realizes that she fails to make herself happy. these are the times when she must make sure to go back to the beginning, back to herself. what its all about. discovering the meaning of life is something people pursue for their whole lives. she does not spend her whole life searching simply because she knows already. for her, the meaning of life is to be yourself, be what YOU want to be. the person inside her wants to live to help people. the person inside her wants to be STRONG and LOVING. the person inside her wants to show the world all of the kindness that one person can have. the person inside her wants to love. wednesday, july 11, 2001, 11:53pm today i have been saying a lot of things i shouldnt be saying. sometimes i just get really sick of not being a bitch. frankly, no matter how nice the person is, there is always a little bit of a bitch inside. its not that i let the bitch out, and its not like i want to be that bitch, its just that sometimes she pokes her head out and says something mean. this cant be good at all. i MUST keep my mouth shut. night of friday, july 13th, 2001, 12:07am yesterday i was making macaroni for Nicole and JJ, the kids i babysit, and suddenly i had terrible flashbacks. i dont even know if it was the first time since that i had made mac and cheese. but i do remember being in his kitchen, making macaroni that had pokemon on the box, and i remember being so completely content and i remember how wonderfully perfect i thought everything was. oh i was so wrong and now i know how off i was. for some reason, it all just flashed into my mind and came flooding back to me. it felt so awful, i felt sick to my stomach and i wanted to cry. i wanted to cry for all that i lost and all that pain i felt and tried unsuccessfully to deal with, and i just became a miniature basket case right there in the middle of the kitchen stirring those stupid BUBBLES out of the macaroni. i hate it. i hate how something can be SO FAR AWAY, and i have been SO DONE WITH IT for a long long long time, and i cant even remember getting over it because i was over it so long ago... yet then all of the sudden, the feelings of hurt and sadness come back full force to whack me in the head and make sure i havent forgotten about them, because OH that would be too easy in life. there are lots of things, like eating macaroni, i never want to do again just because of that awful experience and how GREAT i thought it was at the time, and how NAIVE i was the whole time... and so UNPREPARED. so innocent. i didnt know. i didnt know what to do and i didnt know my heart would feel all of this pain for so so so long. sunday, july 15th, 2001, 9:35pm last night was really fun. it was the sleepover for julia's birthday. we all went to the riverfront and played 500 w/ the frisbee. it was really fun. i love summer and i love that park. the two just go together. i saw this cute old couple there that looked so loving and they were just walkin through the park together, arm in arm. it made me kind of wonder if i will ever find that kind of wonderful lasting relationship before i die. i mean i'm not in a rush to find it now....but in my life i hope i find someone that i really want to grow old with. then i can be part of an adorable old couple walking in the park. thursday, july 19th, 2001, 1:02pm today i am almost reveling in my insignificance. sometimes it is nice to not matter. its like while i chill in my house and i dont get a thing done, i just kind of enjoy that laziness. today is unlike many other days because today i do not feel that restlessness like i need to get something done. its kind of nice. i actually think its a reaction to the stress i have been feeling over getting ready for mexico. i leave on monday, and i'm not ready in the least. this is how i deal with stress though.... i dont deal with it. oh well the trip will definitely be worth it. it will be hard being away from my friends for so long, but somehow i think i will be so busy that it wont be that large of a problem, you know? i would give up a million days of going out with my friends for a week of the experience at hogar. i hope everyone gets a life changing experience like that one, because its so valuable to everything that i am. night of friday, july 20th, 2001. 12:59am tonight brought the sad realization that there is nothing in salem to do. we tried so hard to find something to do, but there was nothing. perhaps it was because i didnt really feel like doing anything at all. i am so tired. how funny is it that i woke up early this morning with heartburn? seventeen year old girls certainly do NOT get heartburn. that is not allowed. so all day i've been like this little drained blob walking around with puffy eyes pretending to like being out. i dont understand why we always have to go out. i am absolutely fine with going to someones house and channel surfing for hours. everyone thinks we need to "live up" our time in high school as if we will never go out on weekends again. its like, hello, things are just beginning. we dont have to get it all done right now. besides, when you're underage there is nothing to do anyway. i'm tired of feeling the need to make people think that i believe that being social is that important. all i really want is to hang out w/ my friends....anywhere....it doesnt matter!! saturday, july 21st, 2001, 5:23pm i am so unprepared for this trip. i have so much to do before i leave. i have to pack everything, i have to mow a lawn, i have to water plants, i have to buy things. i dont know how to handle all of this pressure. this is how it was right before i left last year. but last year was different. i had never been to hogar. by the time departure time came i wanted to cry because going to live in the wilderness for a week, thousands of miles away from home was the LAST thing i wanted to do. so i cried as i packed and i cried as i left. but then i had an amazing experience. that sets kind of an expectation that i imagine will be hard to meet again. perhaps that is why i am so nervous. i know better than anyone that good things only happen once. hopefully this trip will be great once more, but in a different way. thats all i can hope i suppose. monday, july 23rd, 2001. 11:29am wow. today is the day. at 11:50 tonight, i will be taking off, on my way to mexico once more. wow. i am so nervous i could die. i am also very excited though, so this is good i suppose. i just started to realize how much i am going to miss everyone here. i dont think i had this problem last year. i think now that i can drive i am more social. i hope people miss me. otherwise i would feel pathetic. haha just joking. but still, i wish i could think of some wise philosophy to leave on this before i go.... but i cant. so, everyone i love ya, and i'll miss ya. please pray for me on the plane!!! SEE YOU AUGUST 7TH!!!! Friday, august 10th, 2001, 2:09pm (4:09pm in Coita) well yes I am finally back from chiapas. I got back Tuesday night but everything has been so weird I just havent gotten around to writing. Even now I have to write this temporarily in Word because the computer I am able to update my site on has a virus. So here I sit, with absolutely no direction. So much happened in mexico. Some things I can talk about and some things I cant. The biggest is perhaps the difference in the culture there. I never felt stressed when I was at Hogar Infantil. It was like I dont know how to describe it. I never felt rushed there werent always things that had to be done. I could actually just sit on my porch in the mornings and enjoy how beautiful chiapas is, especially in the mornings, and feel completely content and serene in that thought. I felt like a simpler person while I was in chiapas. Though I still find many things in my life are complicated, even in chiapas the answers to a lot of my problems became so evident. Things that seem so hard to decide here, were suddenly the simplest decisions while I was away from here. I was also blessed with a great feeling of accomplishment at Hogar. It is so important there to just show the kids that someone cares about them. I felt like I did a lot of that, especially since I DO care so much about them. I have never had so many hugs in all of my life. Even the day I arrived, they were full of all of the love I remembered from last year. when the bus pulled up the driveway, I noticed all of these kids running to go meet it. I didnt even get off the bus before it was flooded with little kids, some of whom I remembered, and some that were new, giving me hugs and kisses on the cheek. They tried to carry my bags (which were very heavy) for me, and I laughed at the ones who looked like they were going to fall over, but only after I took the bag back because the relieved looks on their faces were priceless. Like "OH thank goodness I dont have to carry that the whole way." I had one of my snowboarding wrist guards on as a brace because I had been dealing with a little bit of carpal tunnel syndrome I think, and I got so many questions about it. was I boxing, did I get in a fight, was it broken, etc. wow, do I look that violent? Anyway, after my initial wussy reactions to the bugs, the bathroom, and the geckos, I never gave the conditions another thought. I actually became quite brave. The night I found a snake on my magazines right before I was about to go to bed I took care of it. I took care of one more small snake, along with 2 puddles of dog pee, a couple bugs for kelsey. And well I dealt with the scorpion I found in my stuff. I didnt get rid of it though. That one scared me and I had to go find someone to get rid of it. haha. Honestly now that I am back I dont feel the same. When I see a giant bug, I'm like, "oh that's nice". And I still havent worn real clothes yet. I like wearing baggy jeans with the legs rolled up and an old soccer t-shirt. I think part of it is that I dont want to ADMIT that I am not in chiapas anymore. My watch is still set on the time it is in Ocozocoautla (coita). I love that town. Well how could I not, Hogar is there. I dont know, its just so small, and I dont know. Everything in the US is so rich. Like its hard to even compare the two. Its so different. We had a Hogar presentation at the church on Wednesday and Neto was there. He used to live at Hogar and just moved up here last week to get married to a lady from Silverton. It was so bizarre seeing him here because I saw him a week ago at Hogar. I just keep thinking how WEIRD it would be here for someone chiapas. Kind of like how different it is for me there. Just because the two places are so incomparable to me. who really knows. Saturday, august 11th, 2001. 2:14pm well yesterday I mowed my neighbor's lawn. The tube that collects grass and puts it into bags plugged 3 times. I tell you this to illustrate the sweat, dirt and grass, that I was covered in after constantly digging through the gunk to empty the tube. I returned home with nothing but a shower on my mind. I turned on the shower only to find that the pilot light had gone out and my house was only supplied with cold water. Knowing it would be ridiculous to wait until someone got home to fix it, I figured my only option was to take a cold shower. Hey, I just got back from two weeks of cold showers every morning.one more was no big deal right?? Yeah well my shower yesterday afternoon was colder than any shower I ever had in mexico. But I survived. And thats all that matters, right? Well there's my thrilling story for the day. Maybe I'll find something else to say later. Sunday, August 12th, 2001, 7:35pm i am beginning to wonder if it is some kind of cruel joke that all of the guys i find are far from what i wish i could find. even the one that i have found to be "perfect" as if there is such a thing... is totally impossible. i dont know if you can understand this, i cant quite understand it myself. i think that sometimes in my little insignificant teenage girl life i get a little impatient. i guess i should have patience.... after all, i'm only 17... i have the rest of my life to find "mr. right".... correct? and why am i so worried about this stuff anyway? i have so much more stuff going on! damn all that hormone crap... being a teenager is just so darned frustrating. not to mention the fact that its degrading. no one takes you seriously and you have like no control over your life. i know i will soon, and to tell you the truth, that scares me also. i guess my restlessness is mostly due to the feeling that i dont belong here anymore. i hate this feeling after returning from mexico. i'm so isolated. i dont have the same concerns as everyone else... i dont really give a flying f*** about all the stuff people want to talk to. i have seen about 3 of my friends since i have been back. thats it. my mom is worried about me because i dont want to talk to anyone. its not a matter of not wanting to talk to them as much as it is, not feeling the need to. before i left, i had a need to interact with people and have them around for peer support. now its like... i find more comfort in being alone with my thoughts. haha. i think i just need time to process all that my trip meant to me... you know? gosh i sound so weird and i cant even remember what i have been rambling about this whole time. monday, august 13th, 2001, 11:59pm i came home tonight from being out and i was a bit hungry. i admit that my slightly tight-fitting pants influenced my choice of food...i passed up a bowl of my favorite cereal for a bagel and cream cheese. i got out a cinnamon raisin bagel, and opened the fridge only to find one major part of my snack missing: the cream cheese. oh but we HAD cream cheese. there was raspberry cream cheese, there was strawberry cream cheese.... there was even SMOKED SALMON cream cheese!!! Who eats that?? but no plain cream cheese. i searched a little harder and found a box that looked like it had just like those sticks of plain old fattening cream cheese that you buy in the sticks, and when i pulled it out it was some weird-named cheese. like neuferchalet cheese, or something like that. i dont feel like going to the fridge to check the name. now how did this stuff end up in there....WHO KNOWS!!! but it looked like cream cheese... and smelled like it, and pretty much tasted like it...so i put it on my bagel. 33% less fat than cream cheese!!! read the box. well foof people. i buy the cream cheese with next to no fat anyway. the neuferfartenhagen cheese still had more fat than what i was looking for, and i might as well have had that bowl of banana nut crunch. 6 grams no matter how you get it. i shouldnt even think about my weight right now. soccer is starting. sometimes i think that its weird the way my thought processes cause the strangest chains of events. wednesday, august 15th, 2001, 12:59pm well yeah the boyfriend i broke up with less than a week ago just asked for my best friends number. and frankly you know, i dont really care what he does... if he wants to date her, i will take pictures at their wedding.... more power to them, he's a super nice guy and she's a great girl. its just the whole PRINCIPLE of it. its like gosh, i'm so glad i meant so much to you that it took a whole few days for you to try to get on my best friend who you met only once, while i was STILL WITH YOU. but yeah. whatever. life goes on. and i WAS the one who screwed it all up... so it's like i really dont have room to complain. what i did was far worse. so anyway, if he's reading this i'll just apologize again for how mean i was and wish him the best of luck w/ my friend cause they're both awesome people. friday, august 17th, 2001. 12:25pm well today was my only day this week to sleep in so i stayed up till like 3 last night. then at 10am the lady that cleans my house called me to tell me i had to come out to aumsville right away to interview for a job opening that one of her clients has. i mean i was excited... i need a job. but i just got started with soccer, and i'm not gonna have much time for anything else until october. but i drove out there anyway. and i met the lady, she was completely adorable and i would have loved to work for her. her kids were so cute, and they seemed like a really nice family. i almost thought "gee, i'd like to babysit for them". haha. but of course she wanted someone who could work during the day, so it didnt work out for me to get the job. so today i had a really nice long relaxing and beautiful drive out to aumsville, and i dont even mind going all that way. i guess there are a whole lot of things i need to think about lately, so it was nice to do that. driving i think is when i get my best thinking done... cause there's nothing else to do. i guess that and when i'm in the shower. no i do some REALLY good thinking in the shower. why is that do you think? does cleaning inspire deep thoughts? it must. haha i love the shower. crank up that radio and sing while you think. that's me alright. anyway i better jet for now my sister is an impatient brat and we're going out to lunch. ah! saturday, august 18th, 2001. 10:49pm i can feel it coming. i still havent cried after mexico. but i was watching some sappy movie with my parents tonight, and suddenly the urge to cry just came over me. it's like, i'm going to burst. right now, i feel the warmth of the tears in my eyes, and before i know it i'm going to be bawling. its kind of hard to know you're going to break down soon, but not know when its going to occur. i am like this person who LOVES to be in control, and when i dont feel like i'm in control, i get really weirded out. so thats how i feel right now. its so hard to explain everything i miss about hogar. i miss the feeling of being completely satisfied. the feeling of not wanting. that is a really hard feeling to find. it is awful to miss. my mom asked me if going to Hogar is a spiritual experience for me. i hadnt really thought about it... but it definitely is. mostly while i am there, i wonder about what God wants for my life. People always say "listen to God's calling" but personally, i never actually HEAR God. i think for me, He must call me by intstilling a gut feeling or something. my gut feeling regarding my future is that i need to spend it in mexico helping people. i want to teach english there, and to teach kids how to read... in spanish. thats about the only thing i think i could do. because language is what i'm interested in, and teaching is the only way i can think of to help people using language, you know? well my old response to all of these thoughts about my future was "oh well i'm young and i have a lot of time to decide." but now, i'm 17.... i have less than a year to decide the direction i want my life to take. that's not fair! i am SO ready for that life to start, but at the same, SO unprepared. I really hope that God keeps giving me those gut feelings, because without them, i will be completely lost. perhaps this is an appropriate time to pray? YEAH! wish me luck everyone, my life never feels simple. sunday, august 19th, 2001. 11:54pm today i had this overwhelming sense of lonely invisibleness. i cant really explain it. its like i felt soooo ordinary today. i just realized how much i blend in with everyone else, how nothing about me really gets peoples attention. i mean, people tell me, "nicole, your personality is so not ordinary, you are so unique" but it doesnt help. because, how do i show STRANGERS that i'm unique? unavoidably, the way people are going to first judge you is based on your appearance. there is nothing about my appearance that makes people want to come talk to me. so all day i felt kind of trapped. like i have run out of ideas. when am i going to have that THING that screams "hey, i am unique, you should want to come talk to me."?? i guess the sooner i become comfortable with myself not only on the inside, but on the outside as well, the sooner people will recognize that in me. at least i have a nice butt ;-) monday, august 20th, 2001. 10:22pm well well well. i am so tired. daily doubles for soccer started today. and yeah, i definitely got a workout. my butt hurts, my quads hurt, and most importantly i have shin splints. AND i have to pee but dont feel like it. what a traumatizing world i live in. i'm just really exhausted.... and i know i hate soccer yet i'm still playing. just to see. just to finish out the year. the thing is... I KNOW i'm not making varsity. so its like agh. why am i trying so hard. i can recognize that i am not among the best... i know the coach isnt an idiot so we all know he knows that too. everyone's all "oh nicole, i know you'll make it" but they have to say that in order to be good friends. i would probably be pretty pissed if they were like "yeah you suck and we all know it". so what do i want out of this? i'm not sure. i do know, however that whether or not i make a team or want to make a team is NOT the world's biggest crisis right now. so i will keep it to myself. and if i dont make it, maybe i'll be manager for JV or maybe i'll get myself employed. who knows. i need to make myself useful, you know? tuesday, august 21, 2001. 11:53pm i woke up with the worlds worst shin splints. like the most severe i've ever had. and i've had a lot of shin splints. i didnt really make it to morning practice because of registration, but this evening was hell. i did alright until we actually had to run places fast. my shins just couldnt handle it. so a tried with all my might until a half hour before the end of practice when i decided to make the executive decision that enough was enough and i needed to stop. so i sat down where i was and ripped off my cleats, socks, and shingaurds as a statement that i was done. at the end of practice coach gave a speech about how the varsity cut will probably be tomorrow morning and i was just like tearing up because i have NOT performed well enough to be on varsity, and with my new disability there is no way i can demonstrate anything useful by the end of tomorrow morning's practice. i started picking up jersies and he asked me why i had my shoes off. and i started like half-crying while i explained it to him. then walked away like bawling and picking up jersies. it was awful. i hate crying in large groups of people. its so embarassing. so yeah i came home and sobbed for about another hour and now i'm just trying to think of other things i can do with my life sans soccer. who knows. somehow i have a feeling life will go on though. i have other bigger problems to think about right now anyway. |