Old Babble
2nd Site:
The Second Attempt
the night of friday, june 8th, 2001, 12:08am
today i realized what a huge meaning graduation has for people.
as my friends cried because their friends graduated, i smiled and
cheered. i think all i see is that i am really happy for my
friends that they are starting this absolutely wonderful part of
their lives. plus, i can see them all summer. i know, though,
that if i was graduating, it would feel so final. like "this is
it???" now what??" luckily i find my self in possession of
another year of living in a complete robotic and inhuman schedule
and routine. anyway yeah, i'm not really looking forward to
graduation, because it is the end and the beginning all at once
and that scares me to no end. i really want to say more, but i
took this benadryl that has completely knocked me out. i shouldnt
have driven home. i need to go pass out.

Saturday, June 9th, 2001 6:02pm
i cant even believe it's six already. i got up at noon, so maybe
that's why...then i spent over four hours typing an interview
from a tape. it was 10 pages long. i think my eyes are fried from
this screen. yet here i am...still typing. i wonder about myself
sometimes. what a saturday! it's actually kind of relaxing. my
allergies are awful right now, so i'm glad i dont have to see
anyone. i look like i got in a fight, my eyes are so swollen.
haha i'm a monster. anyway, yeah, today i've been going over the
last week in my mind. it's all kind of just bizarre still to me.
SO MUCH has gone on in a week. i dont know if i can handle so
much drama. and i especially want no more drama in MY life. maybe
it's just that i am torn.  while things FEEL dramatic, i still
know that really they're not that important. it's like, i feel
guilty for having feelings. this cant be good. i always tell
people to make sure they are happy. but i dont believe that i
make sure i am happy. i have this unnatural worry implanted in
me.  that i am useless and that there are people who have REAL
problems and MY problems are nothing. Why am i stopping myself
from being happy? good question. i'll get back to you on that.


wednesday, june 13th, 2001 8:39am
i was going through an old journal and i came upon the time
awhile ago when the whole thought of marriage creeped me out. i
decided that if i was to ever be stuck with ONE person for the
rest of my life, the would have to be UTTERLY perfect. that led
me to think.....what was perfect for me? i came up with a list. i
find the title quite amusing:

        nicole's dream guy requirements: (hardy har har)
              -sweet smile
              -respects everyone
              -finds the good in people no one likes
              -wants to help people
              -NO partying
              -genuine
              -non-superficial
              -likes to laugh
              -positive sense of adventure
              -polite
              -christian!

now, while these dont seem that demanding, i know they are. and
that's why REALISTICALLY, i know i will never actually find
someone who meets "nicole's dream guy requirements". but hey, i
have a feeling that if i ever do get married, i will love that
guy in spite of, or maybe even because of his faults. i know no
ones perfect, hell, i certainly am not!  so you know, life should
turn out well no matter what, and i will find a "perfect" guy,
even if he isnt so perfect.


friday, june 15th, 2001, 11:55pm
forced by my parents to stay home tonight, i accomplished some
things.  wow! look at me!! basically i cleaned my room. that's
big for me. i never clean my room. well ok, i clean my room, but
usually not very well. i didnt have a garbage can in there for
awhile, so all my trash was just strewn about the floor, my
clothes were EVERYWHERE except in the laundry basket, and i had
countless school things that i had been too afraid to throw away.
well, now i am happy to say that my room is clean. i can walk in
a straight line from any one destination to another within my
room, and not have to maneuver, step over, step on, etc. how
pathetic am i that my clean room is the joy of my friday night. 

i have been awfully weird the last couple days. i always go
through these random times where after being happy for awhile, i
will go back into depression. its really quite annoying. but yeah
i have basically been sleeping my days away and crying for
absolutely no reason. to top it off, i am so hot i feel like i am
having hot flashes right now. what the hell is going on?? i'm
supposed to have LESS stress now that school is over.  where is
all of this coming from?

i found another poem that i wrote march 24th. i like it, so here
i go again making myself vulnerable. i should stop doing that.

                             fading
                             in and out
                            of her reality
                             the stress
                             has made
                             her ill
                             yet no one senses
                             no one
                             notices
                             that soon
                             she will
                             be gone
                             and her body
                             will live
                             on, with no
                             soul,
                             no life
                             inside it.


night of saturday, june 16th, 2001, 12:58am

there's this guy. and he is wonderful. i really like him and he's a really awesome guy. but there is this little nagging part of me that is really bugged. why does partying have to be so important to people? especially to HIM? i mean i dont want to change anyone.   people can be whatever they want. but dont you ever wonder what if
they WERE what you wanted? oh well i'm being ridiculous. it is probably because i need sleep.

sunday, june 17th, 2001. 10:59pm

life is fucking w/ me again. i hate that. i'm never stable. i suppose stable is boring. but man, this is confusing. so anyway i am trying to think of something to say that is ok for people to know. now that is hard. of course, it's not like anyone reads this anyway. how many hits have i had in the last week? oh that's right!
TWENTY NINE! that's like 4 a day. woohoo nicole YOU are a famous beast. Then there's the fact that i eat so much i am blimping up and i really should become anorexic. hmmm. how do i get rid of my desire for food? i suppose my need to be skinny would have to outweigh my need to eat. that one would be really really hard to
do. although my need to be skinny is very large. haha skinny.....large. i crack myself up. i have a feeling i'm not going to be saying anything of substance today. that's ok. do i usually?  that's what i thought. wow i just got a craving for ice cream. bad nicole! anorexic people dont crave ice cream. too bad i am scarfing
down some crackers as we speak. shhh dont tell anyone.

tuesday, june 19th, 2001, 8:27pm
before i begin i would like to reccomend that everyone downloads Sugar by System of a Down right now. i know i have mentioned it before, but gosh it's just like this completely EMOTIONAL song that  expresses every frustration through simply the music. the lyrics are actually quite not good, like i wouldnt like just any song w/
such terrible lyrics. that's the thing though. the music captures  extreme emotions. anyway yeah i suppose you could say i have been feeling some frustrations. add this to the confusion and heart-wrenching non-drama my life has presented to me in the last couple days, and i am a basket case and a half. its a matter of being torn between what is already safe and good, and what you know could be utter perfectness, but there is that sinking feeling that that perfectness is unattainable. frankly since the internet is a pretty un-private place, i find myself unable to elaborate, but trust me.... its too much for poor old me to handle.

night of wednesday, june 20th, 2001, 12:28am
on sunday i went to exit and with the help of julia and ryan i got a pair of really sweet flip flops....my favorite shoes. but i babysat in them on monday, and walked and walked. now there is a  huge old sore on my foot. this saddens me b/c these flip flops were to replace my 2-year-old, hella comfy ones that i wear to mexico and stuff cause they're so comfortable. now i dont know what to do  w/ my new ones. too painful. so poor me what should i do? i have never heard such a useless story. actually ok probably i have. but yeah i was down at riverfront park tonight and there is this group of hippies that gets together down there and like plays instruments and sings and dances late at night in the little grassy ampitheatre. my friends andi watched, it was kind of cool to observe a differnt lifestyle. a couple of my friends decided it was too weird. that bugged me because they were allowing their minds to be narrow and i did not appreciate that. i thought it was cool,
even though the stench of weed was very present. oh well. anyway, theres some interesting things for you to hear.

friday, june 22nd, 2001,  4:25pm
i am bored as hell and it is not even my fault.  my dumb parents
just got home from mexico so they insist that i stay home....ALL
DAY AND NIGHT.  and of course its not even like they are doing
anything w/ me.  they just object to the fact that i am social.
it is driving me nuts.  parents just dont know what they are
doing.  at least they're giving me freedom on my birthday so i
dont have to  worry about that.  i really think i am going crazy
thanks to them already and i havent even been around them for 5
hours yet.  actually i think i am just going crazy in general.
like everything frustrates that little spot in the pit of my
stomach.

well besides that, i have decided to live on the edge this
summer.  i am tired of playing things safe, i am tired of not
taking chances.  i need to take advantage of these irresponsible
years and just do whatever i damn well please.  that's how it
must work from now on..  otherwise, what will i have accomplished
in life?  nothing.  i hate that some people dont know how to open
their minds.  i am willing to see things as just another thing i
could be, but by fate am not.  like who knows, maybe i could have
been one of those dancing hippies in the park.  why not?  they
were friends who like to have fun.  is that not what my friends
and i are?  we just have different ways of doing it.  like when i
see a goth person downtown, i no longer see them as some weird
person.  because if you try and look past the makeup and the hair
and the clothes for a few seconds, you see a plain old teenager.
just like anyone else, who has a unique way of expressing
themselves. i see nothing in the world wrong with expressing
yourself.  that's how you show the world your independence.  its
simply fate that made me not express myself that way.  heaven
knows i have my own weird ways of doing that!


saturday, june 23rd, 2001,  10:32am
he still does not understand me, he still wants to change me.  i
dont try to make him change, even though i could think of one
thing i wouldnt mind changing....changing for someone is not what
i believe in.  i always want to remain true to myselfd i dont
want anyone to think that i am going to change just for them.
that's what he thinks will happen but i have news.  i'm not
changing myself for anyone.

there are things, actually people that have been frustrating me a
lot lately.  the only way i can get through this stress is to
remember that in a while these things will seem stupid and i will
wonder why i had such a hard time with them.  i have to remember
that God does not present me with things i cant handle.  He knows
i am strong and He knows that i can handle  a lot, so now i just
have to trust that i can get through things i am presented with.

Sunday, june 24th, 2001,  11:38pm
follow your heart.  it may be more painful, it may be more
confusing, but in the end if you follow your heart, you will know
that you have lived as you were supposed to live.  i used to
follow what my head told me, but ya know, i'm tired of that.  i'm
livin a little now.  when my head tells me things i spend too
much time worrying and that is no good.

tomorrow is my birthday.  i wonder why i am so un-excited.  i
think it is probably because i am only turning 17.  first of all,
most of my friends will be 18 within a couple months.  the other
thing is that i find myself knowing more and more people who are
older than me.  i just feel SO YOUNG.  like "what, i was only
16???"  that's so little.  that's like sophomores.  geez.  well
you know, i cant really CHANGE when my birthday is, so i guess
i'll just go with the flow.  i feel like i am too old for my age
though.  that makes no sense.  but i feel like MY PERSON is too
old for my age. hmmm.  we'll think about that one.  anyway,
hopefully people wont mind my young age as much as i do.


monday, june 25th, 2001.  7:17pm
how ironic, i'm writing this at 7:17.  and now i am seventeen.  i
didnt know that i would feel younger on a birthday.  well oh
well.  i had a really fun birthday.  i really wasnt going to make
my birthday that big of a deal.  and when i invited my friends to
lunch at la hacienda, i just thought it would be nice to all get
together.  i didnt know i would be getting presents, and that
they would steal my check and not let me pay.  but you know, it
feels really nice to have my birthday be a big deal for once.
usually everyone is busy and or gone, so it's just me and the
fam.  so i feel refreshed.  and it is so flattering to know that
people actually care about me.  sometimes i need to know that i
actually matter.  how pathetic does that sound?  haha i suppose
everyone needs encouragement sometimes.  but yeah overall, my day
was busy but worth it.  i got myself a brand new pair of
flipflops.  so mens quiksilver ones.  i dont care if they are
mens.  it is like i am walking on pillows.  honestly it is like
heaven.  great investment, even if they were too expensive.

1:22am
tonight i was watching tv with brian when an ad for
"Unbreakable", the movie, came on.  he just HAD to ask if i had
seen it.  ooooooh, have i seen it.  you dont even know.  thank
goodness there was no further discussion.  it brought back hella
bad memories, and i really didnt feel like explaining THAT whole
ordeal today. 


tuesday, june 26th, 2001,  12:08pm
you just cant expect that much out of people.  i keep forgetting
that.  i hate when i forget, because then people let me down, and
that's no fun.  lately theres this not-right, sinking feeling in
the pit of my stomach, and it frustrates me because i dont know
why it is there, and why i have to feel it.  obviously somethings
not right, but what is it?  and WHY?   do you ever think about
how many "why"s you wonder about in a day?  i think "why?" is the
most common question.  everyone always wants *needs* to know
more.  i guess there are those people that take everything at
face value.  but how annoying!  how could you be so dense that
you just accept everything and not try to look deeper???  i
suppose that stupidity, that ignorance, could make life a hell of
a lot more enjoyable, but somehow i would think it would be way
less fulfilling.  does that make any sense?  dont you hate when i
get in my cynical, grumpy moods?  i do, but i cant help it.  i am
a product of surrounding influences and how they make me feel.


10:07pm
i love summer rain.  i was baking cookies for the kids i was
babysitting tonight, and their kitchen window was open.  i had
them busy watching my favorite movie in the other room, so they
were quiet, but suddenly i heard the summer rain.  i like summer
rain because it is different than winter rain.  living in oregon,
i should be the expert on rain.  it seems to me, that summer rain
is much less harsh.  the sound of it seems to say "slow down,
enjoy this quietness".  the thing about summer rain is that it is
relatively warm, and so quiet.  not much wind, just a steady
stream of quietly falling rain.  i dont even mind walking through
it.  the sound of summer rain really calms me down.  i love it.

12:07am
NicolaO02: yeah i believe in fate but i dont think it believes in
me


wednesday, june 27th, 2001.  4:10pm
i want my life to have a soundtrack.  wouldnt that be so
awesome?  so there could be like the perfect song for every
moment following me around.   i could do that in my head, but i
wouldnt always be able to think of the perfect song.  plus,
everyone should hear it, wouldnt that be fun?  ok so this is kind
of pointless, but i've been too busy today to think of any
points....new ones at least.  ok ok i'll try a little harder and
get back to you later. 

8:36pm
i got the new mxpx cd for my birthday.

        Artist:  MxPx
        Album: The Ever Passing Moment
        Title:  My Life Story

       I was on my way
       To be with you today
       well you know it's true
       Because I wouldn't lie to you

       First my car broke down
       So then I had to hitch a ride
       I was almost there
       When the motor died

       Don't hate me forever
       I'm better late than never
       I failed you
       I'm sorry
       That's simply my life story

       I know it's much too late
       To take you on a date
       I know that it's no use
       But this is my excuse

       I was in a plane
       And it was falling from the sky
       I knew I had to survive
       So I could say goodbye

       You change your mind
       Like I change the time
       That I was gonna call you
       Or say I was about to
       You change your mind
       Like I change the time
       I said that I would be there
       But then I didn't have a thing to wear

   "Don't hate me forever, I'm better
   late than never, I failed you, I'm
     sorry, That's simply my life
                     story"

thursday, june 28th, 2001,  11:47am
i've go to be the worst advice-giver ever.  i've noticed that i
never follow my own advice.  i dont know why people always ask me
for advice.  i give them advice i cant even follow.  maybe it's
just that i tell them to do what i wish i could do.  i would say
that i wish i had someone to give ME advice, but honestly i hate
when people give me advice.  look at me, i think you could call
me an all-around hypocrite!

11:11pm
some people say that they dont understand why people purposely
keep themselves in situations that make them unhappy.  i agree
with this confusion, however i recognize that it is WAAAAAYYY
more complicated than that.  like what if they are just used to
their circumstances.  or maybe, although they are unhappy quite
a bit, when they are happy, it is a happiness that makes the
unhappiness not matter anymore.  i know these things are not
healthy, but they are human, so i figure no one can really do
jack about it.  i guess we all will just be living for the happy
moments so we can forget the unhappy ones.  maybe we can have
hope after all.


night of saturday, june 30th, 2001,  1:39am
i'm having a really bad night, mentally.  and i hate that
whenever i am really sad i always say or think "i want to go
home" even if i am already home.  what does that really mean?
does it just mean that i want to feel comforted?  i think that is
probably it, but i get in the habit of thinking i "need to go
home".  honestly i really just wish i could curl up in my bed and
cry. but oh that is such a sad sight.  i dont want to be a sad
sight.  i just want to feel happy.  i cant understand how they
think they can determine that someone is "better" from
depression, and how they can just rip your zoloft away from you.
it kept me in control, it pushed away how i feel now.  i used to
despise it for that, i thought it didnt let me feel.  but right
now i want to not feel.  i want to be the happy-go -lucky girl
who invented the phrase "ignorance is bliss".  why am i not
ignorant?  why dont i even know what bliss feels like?

sunday, july 1st, 2001,  2:52pm
i think now we are going to add to my list of mental problems:
insomnia.  it's not that i dont sleep, its that i wake up several
times, and through the whole night i feel as if i have gotten no
sleep whatsoever.  so here i am, awake as can be, but am i really
awake as can be?  who knows.  all i know is i lack the ability to
nap at the second, so i find myself at a loss for anything
productive to do.  one might say "hey nicole, call someone!" 
but i dont even know if i want to do that because i am in that
mood where a lot of people annoy me, and when i feel like that i
tend to be mean.  and heaven knows i am not one who takes joy in
being mean to people so maybe i'll pass on that whole idea.  i
wish i had cable because then i would be watching tv.  maybe if i
go lay in my bed long enough, i will fall asleep.  i will go try
it and let you know how it goes.

wednesday, july 4th, 2001.  2:08pm
wow i cant believe i have neglected my page this long.  its just
that the last two days were EXTREMELY BUSY.  but hey i am a
hundred dollars richer now so whatever.  well i dont have much to
say for myself to tell you the truth.  i am beginning to tolerate
people a little better again.  its easier when you realize that
they cant all be what you want them to be.   sometimes i get so
fed up with being there for everyone else, i get extremely
selfish.  that's not good since i cant stand selfish people, but
it's just the way it is.  when i get in that mindset, i tend to
expect things out of people that they cant produce.  also with
some people, you just cant have any expectations except for that
they will fail you.  for those people, you love them anyway,
because they dont do things wrong on purpose, so you cant really
be mad about it.

thursday, july 5th, 2001.  11:55am

do you ever get really creeped out when you get sick?  its like
all these little microscopic things invading your body and making
you feel like crap.  i dont know, all i know is that they are
attacking my throat and i am NOT too happy at all. 

hmmm do you know what's really fun to do when you're bored?  go
to taco bell late at night, and  eat as you guess which people
that come in are high.  it is actually quite amusing.  the people
that are like "huh??  what??"  and look around w/ their red-eyed
blank stare are just too much for me.  luckily they dont know
when we are laughing at them because they are  too out of it.  i
wish people would not do it, but since they do, i will feel free
to laugh at them ALL I WANT.

friday, july 6th, 2001.  5:59pm
this is going to be one long year.  the power struggle i have
with my parents is neverending.  mostly if i just stay away from
here as much as possible, it works out ok.  of course there is
the occasional bout of them getting annoyed with me never being
home, and that is never good.  however, i feel that it is best to
stay away.  i have a routine of being asleep when they leave,
leaving before they get home, and coming home when they are
asleep or almost asleep.  that way, we never have a problem!!
well yeah, besides that i am really torn between wanting to enjoy
senior year while wanting to get it over with.  i mean, it
should be great, but wow, i am so excited to get out of here and
live my life.  this whole theory that i have outgrown high school
seems really accurate right now.  but who knows, i know i am
still very immature in many ways.  another year, and i will feel
even older.

saturday, july 7th, 2001,  1:38pm
do you ever have this thing, and you KNOW you shouldnt worry
about it, but you cant help it?  you tell yourself over and
over...."its not a problem, there is nothing to worry about, it's
all in your head."  yet it stays in your head, and it sits back
there and nags you just to make you squirm?  sometimes i just
want to open up my head and take that nagging thought out and
throw it to the ground so i can stomp on it and make it go away.
or maybe i could mail it to russia or something.  then it would
be sure never to come back and bother me.    see, the thing is, i
know i am being ridiculous, yet i cant help it.  all i have to do
is trust people, but sometimes that seems like the hardest
thing.  because who do you trust?  everyone is going to let you
down eventually...so what is the point?  and gosh darnit, when
did i become so cynical??

11:34pm:
there's this awesome christian music thing going on downtown at
the skate park.  its awesome, like HARDCORE christian music.
that's the only good kind of course!   so yeah it was a pretty
awesome experience going down there tonight.  the thing is i feel
weird making my friends be there because a lot of them arent
really into that kind of music and stuff.  also there are a lot
of people who are "different" down there.  for me, it's like this
awesome experience to look around and see all of these other
people who do different things and who for some reason possess NO
inhibitions about certain  things.  in a way i admire them.  
however sometimes i feel that everyone is trying to be some
image.  for example, there are people that think they have to
live up to this rich-kid-prep standard, and others who try to fit
the "i am a badass punk" image.  my question is why are images so
important anyway?  like what, you're gonna fit in w/ people betta
that way?  i dont know, i'm going through my weird, "wear
whatever you want" stage right now.  so basically i go around in
whatever i can find to wear and i'm just like whatever, people
see what they want, i'm not out there anyway, i'm in here,
underneath my clothes. wow that sounds WAY not like i wanted it
to, but maybe you can get the picture!

monday, july 9th, 2001.  1:50pm
well it finally hit.  i am super sick now.  i have no ability to
talk.  i either quietly croak or whisper.  my throat and ears are
on fire, my eyes are watery, my nose is runny and stuffy, and i
think i have a fever.  its awful.  but oh well.  all i can say is
thank goodness i am sick NOW.  because i leave for mexico in just
2 weeks from today folks!   all i can say is WOW i am excited.  i
cant wait to be down there again!  at the same time, i am quite a
bit nervous.  how will it be different?  how will i be
different?  what if i dont survive the plane trip?  3 planes each
way, thats taking a lot of chances!  i guess because i didnt go
on a lot of planes from the time i was 8 to the time i was 16,
but i DID hear about every single crash, i will never feel safe
on them.  plus, what really bugs  me is the whole thing about
getting no sleep.  we have to get up early the day we leave to
meet at the church to pack the big bags, then get ready to go the
rest of the day, then the plane doesnt take off until 11:50 PM,
so OF COURSE, why not just sleep on the plane?  haha this is just
a cruel joke to nicole.  stemming from my embarrassment that i
breathe through my mouth while sleeping, i find it impossible to
sleep on planes!  so many people around WATCHING, or that at
least have the POTENTIAL to be watching.  plus, to make matters
worse, you must be SITTING UP while on an airplane.  now i just
do not understand how people can sleep while sitting up, that it
just WEIRD if you ask me, however no one asked me!  so yeah i
will get into Tuxtla-Gutierrez at about 4:00pm our time, i
believe.... and i wont be going to bed until late that night.  so
there are over 36 hours that i will be awake.  haha you should
have seen me hallucinate on our final plane from mexico city to
tuxtla last year.  i think i may have slept a bit on that short
flight because i cant remember much about it.  except that we
were the only white people on the whole plane.  a group of 8
white tourists in the back of the plane.  that was amusing.  then
i remember really needing to pee after i got off the plane and
then the little airport's bathrooms didnt have toilet seats.  how
traumatizing!  haha ok well i think i have written a little too
much and everyone is probably bored.  i'm so excited!

10:43pm:
she lives to be herself, though she never is FULLY comfortable
with it, only because the people around her cant understand her.
its not that this is a flaw of theirs, but it is rather a flaw of
humankind.  she cannot claim to understand them, all she knows is
what she thinks and how she feels for herself. she is only
responsible for herself.  sometimes those things dont even make
sense to her.  because to her, everything is more than it seems,
she can never truly be at rest.  there is always something she
must know.  sometimes she realizes that she fails to make herself
happy.  these are the times when she must make sure to go back to
the beginning, back to herself.  what its all about.  discovering
the meaning of life is something people pursue for their whole
lives.  she does not spend her whole life searching simply
because she knows already.  for her, the meaning of life is to be
yourself, be what YOU want to be.  the person inside her wants to
live to help people.  the person inside her wants to be STRONG
and LOVING.  the person inside her wants to show the world all of
the kindness that one person can have.  the person inside her
wants to love.


wednesday, july 11, 2001, 11:53pm
today i have been saying a lot of things i shouldnt
be saying.  sometimes i just get really sick of not
being a bitch.  frankly, no matter how nice the
person is, there is always a little bit of a bitch
inside.  its not that i let the bitch out, and its
not like i want to be that bitch, its just that
sometimes she pokes her head out and says something
mean.  this cant be good at all. i MUST keep my
mouth shut.


night of friday, july 13th, 2001, 12:07am
yesterday i was making macaroni for Nicole and JJ,
the kids i babysit, and suddenly i had terrible
flashbacks.  i dont even know if it was the first
time since that i had made mac and cheese.  but i do
remember being in his kitchen, making macaroni that
had pokemon on the box, and i remember being so
completely content and i remember how wonderfully
perfect i thought everything was.  oh i was so wrong
and now i know how off i was.  for some reason, it
all just flashed into my mind and came flooding back
to me.  it felt so awful, i felt sick to my stomach
and i wanted to cry.  i wanted to cry for all that i
lost and all that pain i felt and tried
unsuccessfully to deal with, and i just became a
miniature basket case right there in the middle of
the kitchen stirring those stupid BUBBLES out of the
macaroni.  i hate it.  i hate how something can be
SO FAR AWAY, and i have been SO DONE WITH IT for a
long long long time, and i cant even remember
getting over it because i was over it so long ago...
yet then all of the sudden, the feelings of hurt and
sadness come back full force to whack me in the head
and make sure i havent forgotten about them, because
OH that would be too easy in life.  there are lots
of things, like eating macaroni, i never want to do
again just because of that awful experience and how
GREAT i thought it was at the time, and how NAIVE i
was the whole time... and so UNPREPARED.  so
innocent.  i didnt know.  i didnt know what to do
and i didnt know my heart would feel all of this
pain for so so so long.

sunday, july 15th, 2001, 9:35pm
last night was really fun.  it was the sleepover for
julia's birthday.  we all went to the riverfront and
played 500 w/ the frisbee.  it was really fun.  i
love summer and i love that park.  the two just go
together. i saw this cute old couple there that
looked so loving and they were just walkin through
the park together, arm in arm.  it made me kind of
wonder if i will ever find that kind of wonderful
lasting relationship before i die.  i mean i'm not
in a rush to find it now....but in my life i hope i
find someone that i really want to grow old with.
then i can be part of an adorable old couple walking
in the park.


thursday, july 19th, 2001,  1:02pm
today i am almost reveling in my insignificance.
sometimes it is nice to not matter.  its like while
i chill in my house and i dont get a thing done, i
just kind of enjoy that laziness.  today is unlike
many other days because today i do not feel that
restlessness like i need to get something done.  its
kind of nice.  i actually think its a reaction to
the stress i have been feeling over getting ready
for mexico.  i leave on monday, and i'm not ready in
the least.  this is how i deal with stress
though.... i dont deal with it.  oh well the trip
will definitely be worth it.  it will be hard being
away from my friends for so long, but somehow i
think i will be so busy that it wont be that large
of a problem, you know?  i would give up a million
days of going out with my friends for a week of the
experience at hogar.  i hope everyone gets a life
changing experience like that one, because its so
valuable to everything that i am.


night of friday, july 20th, 2001.  12:59am
tonight brought the sad realization that there is
nothing in salem to do.  we tried so hard to find
something to do, but there was nothing.  perhaps it
was because i didnt really feel like doing anything
at all.  i am so tired.  how funny is it that i woke
up early this morning with heartburn?  seventeen
year old girls certainly do NOT get heartburn.  that
is not allowed.  so all day i've been like this
little drained blob walking around with puffy eyes
pretending to like being out.  i dont understand why
we always have to go out.  i am absolutely fine with
going to someones house and channel surfing for
hours.  everyone thinks we need to "live up" our
time in high school as if we will never go out on
weekends again.  its like, hello, things are just
beginning.  we dont have to get it all done right
now.  besides, when you're underage there is nothing
to do anyway.  i'm tired of feeling the need to make
people think that i believe that being social is
that important.  all i really want is to hang out w/
my friends....anywhere....it doesnt matter!!


saturday, july 21st, 2001,  5:23pm
i am so unprepared for this trip.  i have so much to
do before i leave.  i have to pack everything, i
have to mow a lawn, i have to water plants, i have
to buy things.  i dont know how to handle all of
this pressure.  this is how it was right before i
left last year.  but last year was different.  i had
never been to hogar.  by the time departure time
came i wanted to cry because going to live in the
wilderness for a week, thousands of miles away from
home was the LAST thing i wanted to do.  so i cried
as i packed and i cried as i left.  but then i had
an amazing experience.  that sets kind of an
expectation that i imagine will be hard to meet
again.  perhaps that is why i am so nervous.  i know
better than anyone that good things only happen
once.  hopefully this trip will be great once more,
but in a different way.  thats all i can hope i
suppose.


monday, july 23rd, 2001.  11:29am
wow.  today is the day.  at 11:50 tonight, i will be
taking off, on my way to mexico once more.  wow.  i
am so  nervous i could die.  i am also very excited
though, so this is good i suppose.  i just started
to realize how much i am going to miss everyone
here.  i dont think i had this problem last year.  i
think now that i can drive i am more social.  i hope
people miss me.  otherwise i would feel pathetic.
haha just joking.  but still, i wish i could think
of some wise philosophy to leave on this before i
go.... but i cant.  so, everyone i love ya, and i'll
miss ya.  please pray for me on the plane!!!

                SEE YOU AUGUST 7TH!!!!



 
Friday, august 10th, 2001,  2:09pm (4:09pm in
                       Coita)

well yes I am finally back from chiapas.  I got back
Tuesday night but everything has been so weird I
just havent gotten around to writing.  Even now I
have to write this temporarily in Word because the
computer I am able to update my site on has a
virus.  So here I sit, with absolutely no
direction.  So much happened in mexico.  Some things
I can talk about and some things I cant.  The
biggest is perhaps the difference in the culture
there.  I never felt stressed when I was at Hogar
Infantil.  It was like I dont know how to describe
it.  I never felt rushed there werent always things
that had to be done.  I could actually just sit on
my porch in the mornings and enjoy how beautiful
chiapas is, especially in the mornings, and feel
completely content and serene in that thought.  I
felt like a simpler person while I was in chiapas.
Though I still find many things in my life are
complicated, even in chiapas the answers to a lot of
my problems became so evident.  Things that seem so
hard to decide here, were suddenly the simplest
decisions while I was away from here.  I was also
blessed with a great feeling of accomplishment at
Hogar.  It is so important there to just show the
kids that someone cares about them.  I felt like I
did a lot of that, especially since I DO care so
much about them.  I have never had so many hugs in
all of my life.  Even the day I arrived, they were
full of all of the love I remembered from last
year.  when the bus pulled up the driveway, I
noticed all of these kids running to go meet it.  I
didnt even get off the bus before it was flooded
with little kids, some of whom I remembered, and
some that were new, giving me hugs and kisses on the
cheek.  They tried to carry my bags (which were very
heavy) for me, and I laughed at the ones who looked
like they were going to fall over, but only after I
took the bag back because the relieved looks on
their faces were priceless.   Like "OH thank
goodness I dont have to carry that the whole way."
I had one of my snowboarding wrist guards on as a
brace because I had been dealing with a little bit
of carpal tunnel syndrome I think, and I got so many
questions about it.  was I boxing, did I get in a
fight, was it broken, etc.  wow, do I look that
violent?  Anyway, after my initial wussy reactions
to the bugs, the bathroom, and the geckos, I never
gave the conditions another thought.  I actually
became quite brave.  The night I found a snake on my
magazines right before I was about to go to bed I
took care of it.  I took care of one more small
snake, along with 2 puddles of dog pee, a couple
bugs for kelsey. And well I dealt with the scorpion
I found in my stuff. I didnt get rid of it though.
That one scared me and I had to go find someone to
get rid of it.  haha.   Honestly now that I am back
I dont feel the same.  When I see a giant bug, I'm
like, "oh that's nice".  And I still havent worn
real clothes yet.  I like wearing baggy jeans with
the legs rolled up and an old soccer t-shirt.  I
think part of it is that I dont want to ADMIT that I
am not in chiapas anymore.  My watch is still set on
the time it is in Ocozocoautla (coita).  I love that
town.  Well how could I not, Hogar is there.  I dont
know, its just so small, and I dont know.
Everything in the US is so rich.  Like its hard to
even compare the two.  Its so different.  We had a
Hogar presentation at the church on Wednesday and
Neto was there.  He used to live at Hogar and just
moved up here last week to get married to a lady
from Silverton.  It was so bizarre seeing him here
because I saw him a week ago at Hogar.  I just keep
thinking how WEIRD it would be here for someone
chiapas.  Kind of like how different it is for me
there.  Just because the two places are  so
incomparable to me.  who really knows.


Saturday, august 11th, 2001. 2:14pm
well yesterday I mowed my neighbor's lawn.  The tube
that collects grass and puts it into bags plugged 3
times.  I tell you this to illustrate the sweat,
dirt and grass, that I was covered in after
constantly digging through the gunk to empty the
tube.  I returned home with nothing but a shower on
my mind.  I turned on the shower only to find that
the pilot light had gone out and my house was only
supplied with cold water.  Knowing it would be
ridiculous to wait until someone got home to fix it,
I figured my only option was to take a cold shower.
Hey, I just got back from two weeks of cold showers
every morning.one more was no big deal right??  Yeah
well my shower yesterday afternoon was colder than
any shower I ever had in mexico.  But I survived.
And thats all that matters, right?   Well there's my
thrilling story for the day.   Maybe I'll find
something else to say later.


Sunday, August 12th, 2001, 7:35pm
i am beginning to wonder if it is some kind of cruel
joke that all of the guys i find are far from what i
wish i could find.  even the one that i have found
to be "perfect"  as if there is such a thing... is
totally impossible.  i dont know if you can
understand this, i cant quite understand it myself.
i think that sometimes in my little insignificant
teenage girl life i get a little impatient.  i guess
i should have patience.... after all, i'm only 17...
i have the rest of my life to find "mr. right"....
correct?  and why am i so worried about this stuff
anyway?  i have so much more stuff going on!  damn
all that hormone crap... being a teenager is just so
darned frustrating.  not to mention the fact that
its degrading.  no one takes you seriously and you
have like no control over your life.  i know i will
soon, and to tell you the truth, that scares me
also.  i guess my restlessness is mostly due to the
feeling that i dont belong here anymore.  i hate
this feeling after returning from mexico.  i'm so
isolated.  i dont have the same concerns as everyone
else... i dont really give a flying f*** about all
the stuff people want to talk to.  i have seen about
3 of my friends since i have been back.  thats it.
my mom is worried about me because i dont want to
talk to anyone.  its not a matter of not wanting to
talk to them as much as it is, not feeling the need
to.  before i left, i had a need to interact with
people and have them around for peer support.  now
its like... i find more comfort in being alone with
my thoughts.  haha.  i think i just need time to
process all that my trip meant to me... you know?
gosh i sound so weird and i cant even remember what
i have been rambling about this whole time.

monday, august 13th, 2001,  11:59pm
i came home tonight from being out and i was a bit
hungry.  i admit that my slightly tight-fitting
pants influenced my choice of food...i passed up a
bowl of my favorite cereal for a bagel and cream
cheese.  i got out a cinnamon raisin bagel, and
opened the fridge only to find one major part of my
snack missing:  the cream cheese. oh but we HAD
cream cheese.  there was raspberry cream cheese,
there was strawberry cream cheese.... there was even
SMOKED SALMON cream cheese!!!  Who eats that??  but
no plain cream cheese.  i searched a little harder
and found a box that looked like it had just like
those sticks of plain old fattening cream cheese
that you buy in the sticks, and when i pulled it out
it was some weird-named cheese.  like neuferchalet
cheese, or something like that.  i dont feel like
going to the fridge to check the name.  now how did
this stuff end up in there....WHO KNOWS!!!  but it
looked like cream cheese... and smelled like it, and
pretty much tasted like it...so i put it on my
bagel.  33% less fat than cream cheese!!! read the
box.  well foof people.  i buy the cream cheese with
next to no fat anyway.  the neuferfartenhagen cheese
still had more fat than what i was looking for, and
i might as well have had that bowl of banana nut
crunch.  6 grams no matter how you get it.  i
shouldnt even think about my weight right now.
soccer is starting.  sometimes i think that its
weird the way my thought processes cause the
strangest chains of events.


wednesday, august 15th, 2001,  12:59pm
well yeah the boyfriend i broke up with less than a
week ago just asked for my best friends number.  and
frankly you know, i dont really care what he does...
if he wants to date her, i will take pictures at
their wedding.... more power to them, he's a super
nice guy and she's a great girl.  its just the whole
PRINCIPLE of it.  its like gosh, i'm so glad i meant
so much to you that it took a whole few days for you
to try to get on my best friend who you met only
once, while i was STILL WITH YOU.  but yeah.
whatever.  life goes on.  and i WAS the one who
screwed it all up... so it's like i really dont have
room to complain.  what i did was far worse.  so
anyway, if he's reading this i'll just apologize
again for how mean i was and wish him the best of
luck w/ my friend cause they're both awesome people.

friday, august 17th, 2001.  12:25pm
well today was my only day this week to sleep in so
i stayed up till like 3 last night.  then at 10am
the lady that cleans my house called me to tell me i
had to come out to aumsville right away to interview
for a job opening that one of her clients has.  i
mean i was excited... i need a job.  but i just got
started with soccer, and i'm not gonna have much
time for anything else until october.  but i drove
out there anyway.  and i met the lady, she was
completely adorable and i would have loved to work
for her.  her kids were so cute, and they seemed
like a really nice family.  i almost thought "gee,
i'd like to babysit for them".  haha.  but of course
she wanted someone who could work during the day, so
it didnt work out for me to get the job.  so today i
had a really nice long relaxing and beautiful drive
out to aumsville, and i dont even mind going all
that way.  i guess there are a whole lot of things i
need to think about lately, so it was nice to do
that.  driving i think is when i get my best
thinking done... cause there's nothing else to do.
i guess that and when i'm in the shower.  no i do
some REALLY good thinking in the shower.  why is
that do you think?  does cleaning inspire deep
thoughts?  it must.  haha i love the shower.  crank
up that radio and sing while you think.  that's me
alright.  anyway i better jet for now my sister is
an impatient brat and we're going out to lunch.  ah!

saturday, august 18th, 2001.  10:49pm
  i can feel it coming.  i still havent cried after
mexico.  but i was watching some sappy movie with my
parents tonight, and suddenly the urge to cry just
came over me.  it's like, i'm going to burst.  right
now, i feel the warmth of the tears in my eyes, and
before i know it i'm going to be bawling.  its kind
of hard to know you're going to break down soon, but
not know when its going to occur.  i am like this
person who LOVES to be in control, and when i dont
feel like i'm in control, i get really weirded out.
so thats how i feel right now.  its so hard to
explain everything i miss about hogar.  i miss the
feeling of being completely satisfied.  the feeling
of not wanting.  that is a really hard feeling to
find.  it is awful to miss.  my mom asked me if
going to Hogar is a spiritual experience for me.  i
hadnt really thought about it... but it definitely
is. mostly while i am there, i wonder about what God
wants for my life. People always say "listen to
God's calling"  but personally, i never actually
HEAR God.  i think for me, He must call me by
intstilling a gut feeling or something.  my gut
feeling regarding my future is that i need to spend
it in mexico helping people.  i want to teach
english there, and to teach kids how to read... in
spanish.  thats about the only thing i think i could
do.  because language is what i'm interested in, and
teaching is the only way i can think of to help
people using language, you know?  well my old
response to all of these thoughts about my future
was "oh well i'm young and i have a lot of time to
decide."  but now, i'm 17.... i have less than a
year to decide the direction i want my life to
take.  that's not fair!  i am SO ready for that life
to start, but at the same, SO unprepared.  I really
hope that God keeps giving me those gut feelings,
because without them, i will be completely lost.
perhaps this is an appropriate time to pray?  YEAH!
wish me luck everyone, my life never feels simple.


sunday, august 19th, 2001.  11:54pm
  today i had this overwhelming sense of lonely
invisibleness.  i cant really explain it.  its like
i felt soooo ordinary today.  i just realized how
much i blend in with everyone else, how nothing
about me really gets peoples attention.  i mean,
people tell me, "nicole, your personality is so not
ordinary,  you are so unique" but it doesnt help.
because, how do i show STRANGERS that i'm unique? 
unavoidably, the way people are going to first judge
you is based on your appearance.  there is nothing
about my appearance that makes people want to come
talk to me.  so all day i felt kind of trapped. 
like i have run out of ideas.  when am i going to
have that THING that screams "hey, i am unique, you
should want to come talk to me."??  i guess the
sooner i become comfortable with myself not only on
  the inside, but on the outside as well, the sooner
people will recognize that in me.  at least i have a
nice butt ;-)


monday, august 20th, 2001.  10:22pm
  well well well.  i am so tired.  daily doubles for
soccer started today.  and yeah, i definitely got a
workout.  my butt hurts, my quads hurt, and most
importantly i have shin splints.  AND i have to
pee but dont feel like it.  what a traumatizing
world i live in.  i'm just really exhausted.... and
i know i hate soccer yet i'm still playing.  just to
see.  just to finish out the year.  the thing is...
I KNOW i'm not making varsity.  so its like agh.
why am i trying so hard.  i can recognize that i am
not among the best... i know the coach isnt an idiot
so we all know he knows that too.  everyone's all
"oh nicole, i know you'll make it"  but they have to
say that in order to be good friends.  i would
probably be pretty pissed if they were like "yeah
you suck and we all know it".  so what do i want out
of this?  i'm not sure.  i do know, however that
  whether or not i make a team or want to make a
team is NOT the world's biggest crisis right now.
so i will keep it to myself.  and if i dont make it,
maybe i'll be manager for JV or maybe i'll get
myself employed.  who knows.  i need to make myself
useful, you know?


tuesday, august 21, 2001.  11:53pm
  i woke up with the worlds worst shin splints.
like the most severe i've ever had.  and i've had a
lot of shin splints.  i didnt really make it to
morning practice because of registration, but this
  evening was hell.  i did alright until we actually
had to run places fast.  my shins just couldnt
handle it.  so a tried with all my might until a
half hour before the end of practice when i decided
to make the executive decision that enough was
enough and i needed to stop.  so i sat down where i
was and ripped off my cleats, socks, and shingaurds
as a statement that i was done.  at the end of
practice coach gave a speech about how the varsity
cut will probably be tomorrow morning and i was just
like tearing up because i have NOT performed well
enough to be on varsity, and with my new disability
there is no way i can demonstrate anything useful by
the end of tomorrow morning's practice.  i started
picking up jersies and he asked me why i had my
shoes off.  and i started like half-crying while i
explained it to him.  then walked away like bawling
and picking up jersies.  it was awful.  i hate
crying in large groups of people.  its so
embarassing.  so yeah i came home and sobbed for
about another hour and now i'm just trying to think
of other things i can do with my life sans soccer.
who knows.  somehow i have a feeling life will go on
though.  i have other bigger problems to think about
right now anyway.
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