| wednesday, december 5th, 2001. 5:06pm ok i have been having nonstop bad days since like sunday. how annoying i just can't win. but i think today tops it off. got in a car accident this morning. i am fine and miraculously the car *appears* to be fine, but wow how scary. i came down the hill on liberty between cole road and rees hill and i totally just treated it like any other morning, forgot there might be ice. i knew the bottom of that hill was dangerous because there's always deep puddles there, but i forgot that sometimes there's ice there too. So i remembered about the ice as i felt my wheel lose control, and then i braked. BAD idea. i started spinning and i tried to use my drivers ed techniques to get it to stop but i was still braking, so it didnt work. i was so scared but i finally just gave up and braced myself to go off the road, hoping i wouldnt be injured. when it stopped i was fully in a steep ditch, sideways. i had done a 180 and ended up on the other side of the road, pointing the direction i had come from. i started shaking and bawling and i shoved open my door, which was hard since that was like pushing it straight up in the air. i climbed out of the car and i was sobbing hysterically and shaking uncontrollably. i just stood there, i didnt know what to do. cars drove by me. so many cars drove by the poor little girl crying and shaking w/ her car in a ditch. i was so pissed. i rang the doorbell of the house whose yard i was in, but no one answered. so i started walking. i dont know where i was going. i think i figured i would think about it while i was walking. but then i saw across the street a house whose car was outside running. i knew they would answer the door. so i knocked on their door and when they answered i managed to squeak out "Do-- you have-- a phone i--- can use??" amidst the shaking and crying. they were SOOOO sweet they had me come in and sit down while i called my mom and offered to let me wait at their house. but my mom had told me to go wait by the car, so i headed back out. as i was walking back i heard a car coming WAY too fast and i thought to myself "PLEASE SLOW DOWN" then i heard a whoosh like it was going through a puddle and i turned around and it was gone. i was like, hmmm maybe it turned or something. so i kept walking. then i heard this sound that at first sounded like a loud animal, like a chicken or something. then i realized it was a person screaming "AAAAAAHHHHHH HELP!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" thats the scariest thing ever. and i noticed there were lights coming from the trees. i ran back to where i had come from and saw the nice man whose phone i had just used carrying someone out from the trees. it was my neighbor andrew, screaming his head off and holding his knee. the man asked if anyone else was in the car, his wife was in her bathrobe at the door asking if she needed to call 911. apparently he had hit the ice and not even had a chance to brake (at least i didnt hear him brake) before he went off the road, through the trees and down an embankment into a creek. he told me later he had been screaming because he was out of the car, but his leg was stuck. he was soaked and in pain and i saw some scratches but he was VERY lucky to be ok. he was so in shock. its like below freezing and he's soaked up to his waist, but after he calls his dad he sits down on the ground in wet clothes and a t-shirt. i dont think he even noticed. i was more scared by his incident than mine. luckily our parents came, and his dad told my mom he would take him to the hospital. andrew kept talking about how pissed his dad would be, but wow when he saw those tracks through the trees and that car floating there, i saw a worried, scared parent look, not a mad look at all. like i told andrew, i know his dad was just happy he was ok. there was one more car that went off the road while we were waiting to be towed... he just spun 180 and had the back end of his truck go in the ditch. a guy w/ a truck that he called pulled him out. but yeah, i keep thinking about how many miracles there were this morning. #1: i didnt flip the car (which amy pointed out could have happened by looking at the angle my car was at in the ditch). #2: i didnt get hurt. #3: i didnt damage my moms car. #4: andrew got out basically unharmed. #5: he wore his seatbelt today and his airbag works. i was a few feet away from a big cedar tree. i didnt hit it. i have a fear of hitting trees. God was most definitely protecting that little corner of liberty today. Even if He couldnt slow us down, He sure protected us. thursday, december 6th, 2001. 11:25pm why am i still so so scared that this is all not what it seems? when something SEEMS too good to be true, it usually is. i don't want it to happen again. i dont want to suddenly WAKE UP a year from now and realize that what i was seeing wasn't actually there. that it was just an illusion. that it was all something that seemed so perfectly unreal, but really was wretchedly real. most of me knows that this is so different, there is no reason to be this scared. but the little nugget in the back of my brain that still remembers the pain and the effects of the illusion keeps telling me to look out. to quit being so vulnerable. what if i really DIDN'T learn from my mistakes. what if i again become the big dope who doesnt know whats going on. the ignorant one. i just dont know. its not that i dont trust the subject of my current situation... its just that i dont trust that i will never feel that horribly again. saturday,december 8th, 2001. 10:52pm can you believe my sophomore sister has a midnight curfew?? when i was her age it was 10:00. how annoying. my mom just says "oh well i couldnt remember so i just gave her the curfew you have now." I"M A SENIOR NOW!!! i'm almost 18 for pete's sake. why does my 15 year old sister get the same priveleges? it sucks to be the oldest. anyone can tell you. my parents wouldnt know since my mom was the youngest and my dad was the second to youngest. i know its petty, it just seems like they care SO MUCH MORE about my rules than hers. she's not expected to fuck up and i am. oh thats another thing. my sister cussed at my mom a while ago. this is such a huge thing, you dont even know. she NEVER cusses. she gets mad if i say crap. so then she starts crying and WHO gets blamed???? ME!!!!!! i'm a "bad influence on her" apparently. ok, hold up. it's MY fault for what my SISTER did. only this family could allow that to be the way it is. i couldnt believe that. what can we say? i guess i'm kind of a failure. not exactly what they thought i'd turn out like. i'm so not a bad kid. but i'm not perfect. i wish they'd actually trust me and just give me a chance. they dont even know how good i can be because i'm too busy rebelling against the stupid boundaries they've set for me. tuesday, december 11th, 2001. 10:45pm ok, i agree with julia. no one should drive ever. it is too dangerous. too many accidents!! me, andrew, megan and kristen, kayla.... i just cant handle it. i get tailgated so much now cause i drive so slow. never know when there could be ice!!!!! we should find some magical system to transport us from place to place w/out the use of cars because big metal cages hurtling down streets at ungodly speeds are just not safe. ok so i like being able to drive... but now every time i get in the car i just pray that i will arrive where i'm going in one piece. i keep having mental images of nicole lying on the side of the road, nicole on a gurney, nicole in an ambulance, nicole getting TICKETED at the hospital. ok whats up w/ that??? you get in a dramatic accident, are rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, and the police follow you there to give you a $300 ticket. what is WRONG with them??? have they no heart? i cant even believe those morons. i just really dont like police. i cant help it. every single officer i have met has been a complete ass to me, and to everyone else. control freaks, like my dad. i get to tell you what to do BECAUSE I CAN. grrr. i have issues w/ authority. i am a mouthy brat when it comes to those battles. saturday, december 15th, 2001. 11:38pm since tuesday there have been 3 more of my friends involved in car accidents. woohoo. we're on a roll. i think i'm ready to quit driving. this whole music background thing on my webpage may or may not be working. i think it definitely works for people w/ broadband though. doesnt work for me. chris gets 2 seconds of music every 20 seconds. someone please let me know if it works for them in my guestbook. i was babysitting today and the little girl said to me "do you like Christmas?" and i said "yes i do." she said "i love Christmas because of all the presents i get to open." i just thought what a shame i wonder if she understands the importance of christmas, the importance of the birth of Christ. So i said to her "do you know why we have Christmas?" She replied: "yeah, its Jesus' birthday" and went on talking about how fun it is to open presents. now i know she is only six, and when i was six, i would have been the same way. but it kind of just reflects to me society's attitude in general. Can you believe we have taken something so ENTIRELY about God and made it so ENTIRELY NOT about God??? i love Christmas... i love the decorations and the food and the trees and the traditions and especially the candy canes. but it is the most humbling thing to realize that none of that... nothing about this season, would exist without the one thing we overlook most during the Christmas season: Jesus Christ. Look, his name is even in it CHRISTmas. but then we get the people who call it X-mas. whats up with that?? i just wish maybe people could focus more on their thankfullness of the season than their stresses. It's simply about God loving the world so much, that he gave his only Son to die FOR US, so that we might be forgiven of our sins and live eternally!!! now there's some Good News! That's what the word Christmas should make us think of... Good News..... not presents. thursday, december 20th, 2001. 11:39pm i hope todays the 20th... i'm not so sure, my computer says its February 1st... but i KNOW that's not right. Today was an awesome day. i suppose it captured the whole essence of Christmas break. i guess really the only thing missing was chris. i'm such a sap. but man i'm going to miss him so much. ok but anyway, enough of my whining. today naomi and i got up at the butt crack of dawn to utilize our season passes at meadows. the whole concept of a season pass is very refreshing. there is no hurrying involved. no rush to get your money's worth out of your lift ticket. just takin our time! it was awesome! and we listened to some Dynamite Hack and DMX on the way up. i hate rap but that ONE dmx song is so fun. haha. anyway, yeah, we've decided to become buddies w/ the lift guys at Mt. Hood Express cause we are so obnoxious they remember us. just the old large guy and the youngish guy that missed a spot shaving. but yeah, we'll win them over w/ our charm. naomi and i have no charm. we talk about gross things and farting. and we use really bad language. but hey, whatever, we had fun. it took us 4 hours to get home. cause we went the wrong way down the mountain and figured that out when we were in PARKDALE which for all you geniuses that dont know where that is, it's all the way on the OTHER side of the mountain, halfway between mt. hood and Hood River. so yeah we went down to hood river, the took 84 to Portland. but still... STUPID!!! haha and only us. but hey, hood river has a hella good Taco Time, like the best i've ever experienced, it was superb, and i do reccomend it. anyway, i have not much more to say, actually i do, but i will cease to bore everyone now w/ my goofy stories. i smell. my mom wont let me take a shower cause they're sleeping. i will take a shower in the morning before driving the carpool and getting paid 5 bucks for doing it. this carpool thing very much benefits my income. 15 bucks so far. goodnight. friday, december 21st, 2001. 11:59pm its late. and if you dont know, its actually later than 11:59... i just want the date to be that one, cause i havent gone to sleep yet, therefore the next day hasnt started. anyway, i read my last entry again. it is hilarious. i was so tired when i wrote that, i didnt even remember what it said till i re-read it. ooh man i'm vulgar. i'm soooo on edge tonight. i'm very sensitive. i feel lost, i feel stressed, i feel helpless, i feel awkward. i feel like i dont belong, i feel ignored, i feel embarassed and i feel guilty. i hate this. i am just one person. i cant handle all those feelings at once. theres just some things that i cant help but feel weird about. i just cant help but feel insecure sometimes. i hate that i must constantly be reassured of my importance. i hate to be needy. What am i going to do??? saturday, december 22nd, 2001. 1:21pm music: "Love Colada" by OV7 its funny that i'm listening to this song. i'm in one of those moods. the kind where i have millions of thoughts frantically racing through my head, yet i am in this completely mellow state. i wish i could connect my insides to my outsides, but somehow i cant. so i'm walking around all BLAH but i'm listening to this song, its so upbeat and awesome and if i was in a better mood i would be shakin my little lovemaker all over this messy christmas filled house. i cant believe its the 22nd already. i have been ignoring Christmas, and suddenly here it is. i wish i was excited. but i'm not. i dont even care about presents. they're just things. sure, i'm human, i like to get things, but they're just things.... they're not going to like suddenly brighten my life. but i will have things. oh well. its a good time to spend with family and stuff, right? no need to mope nicole. this too will pass. this too will pass. i promise. He makes everything happen for a reason. 7:33pm LOVE COLADA (versi�n espa�ol) Cuando te aceleras y te cuesta respirar Necesitas algo refrescante de tomar Tengo algo para t� Si lo quieres ven a m�. CORO Tienes que probarla Esto es love colada Te puede aliviar y curar Con esta poci�n te arder� el coraz�n Toma todo o nada Esto es love colada Tranquilizate, enganchate que no hay nada igual. Deliciosa secate tus labios rosas Esta cosa es peligrosa T�mala y sabr�s. Es una bebida que derrite el coraz�n La magia de esta copa te quita la raz�n Ten cuidado al tomar te podr�as hechizar. CORO Tienes que probarla... Cierra los ojos Y pruebala mmm... Que rica est� Mueve, mueve, mueve la cadera Espera como te libera Espera te enloquecer�. Te llena el deseo No detienes tu pasi�n Sufres de mareo de enfrentar la tentaci�n Tu sudor con mi sudor te emborrachas del calor. CORO Tienes que probarla... sunday, december 23rd, 2001. 11:59pm AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i'm tired of having to care about other people. i'm sorry but this is the one time i just want to feel sorry for myself. i dont want to worry about who's upset w/ me for what, etc. i am in this time of such internal frustration and emotion, i dont want to deal w/ everyone else's. i wish everything could just stay the same as like, say last week. i had time for everyone, i had everyone, i had to go to school, but hey, life was good. But right now, stuff sucks. i am completely in love, but he's leaving in 2 days for 5 months. yeah, i'm excited for him. i know he's going to have an awesome time and grow so much as a person and in God. i'm excited for what his future in Mexico holds. but man, its only human to be selfish. and as much as i am excited for him, i dont want him to go at all. i want to spend like every second w/ him. but that of course alienates other people, which apparently i do way too much. so yeah basically i guess i'll just go a few more days pissing people off. and its their problem now, because for a few days i want to just not care. i hate this. i want to care about everyone always, but you know, that just puts so much stress on me. its stress i cant handle when i'm already stressed. I feel alone. I feel perpetually sleepy. I feel in love. I feel cold. I feel sad. I feel confused. I feel frustrated. I feel jumpy. I feel itchy. I feel humbled. I feel intimidated. I feel mistaken. I feel misunderstood. Me siento como hielo. monday, december 24th, 2001. 1:09pm what a disastrous Christmas so far!! ugh i was trying so hard to be tolerable. but then we had to go do our family tradition picture w/ santa. i'm sorry it was awful. i seriously for real look like a cow. i look really obese and i know i'm fat but i didnt think i was THAT fat. its awful and my parents refused to let us do another one (i really wish they would). we CANT put that on the refridgerator, i'll just cry every time i see it. so what did i do?? i burst into tears in the middle of the mall. full out bawling. ok, i havent done that since i was five years old. but i couldnt help it i was just crying and crying. i still cant help it i'm still crying. i mean i know its something that i have a right to get upset about, but crying for an hour straight? i just cant help it its awful. i wish theyd just let me do another one. i'd pay for it even w/ my non-existent funds! ugh what a studpid thing to be upset about. whats wrong w/ me? i'm such a mess. This Christmas sucks. Tuesday, December 25th, 2001. 10:51am good morning! and merry christmas!!! my goodness its early. usually my sister wakes us up at 7:00 sharp on christmas morning, but this year it was my PARENTS that woke us up early. how weird is that? i guess you know you're growing up when Christmas morning comes and you know the presents will still be there if you sleep a few more hours. oh well. since i havent been thinking much about christmas this year, all my presents were just pleasant little surprises since i wasnt expecting anything, and it was really nice that way. ok anyway, last night i was thinking about how hard it is to choose a church style. right now i am in the middle of a struggle between two extremes. i really really like chris' church. the foursquare church is awesome cause like, it just feels so much more heartfelt. i like that nothing is read in unison and that the sermon isnt in a monotone voice, or even just a predictable voice. the pastor is awesome, his sermons are heartfelt, and they actually get across to me. people actually show their enthusiasm during church, and the songs arent from a hymnal, the words are up for everyone to see, but most of the people know the songs anyway! I've grown up, however, in the more traditional church. First there was the United Church of Christ (UCC) which is actually quite liberal (almost too liberal for me) in views, but still has traditional church services. Now i'm in the Presbyterian church which is conservative and rigid and full of (sorry to say it) old people. If i choose to go to service it is only out of guilt, and when i sit there i regret going because my eyes will water from boredom mixed with the overwhelming urge to lie down in the aisle and sleep. We sing hymn that were written in the 15th and 16th centuries and have words and phrases that have no meaning to me. The sermon is usually slow, often the point is made long before the end... but the sermon is continued i think out of obligation to take up time. i love the youth group at my church, i have lots of friends there, but i cant stand the church services. Last night at the Christmas Eve service i did realize what value these services could have for some people. when the choir is singing and harmonizing and the whole congregation is singing with all of their soul, i could feel it then. hymns arent always bad, especially when they're beautifully sung. the spirituality in that is amazing. but that certainly doesnt happen every sunday. through typing out all this stuff about the churches, i have come to realize that Presbyterianism most definitely is not for me. Well, maybe i can compromise for now, and when i move, it will be up to me. 11:59pm (1:48am) well interesting Christmas, eh? all the presents in the world couldnt make up for the tears that i know will come soon. i'm such a basket case. why am i up this late? i have to be up at 6 tomorrow goodnight my friends. wednesday, december 26th, 2001. 2:31pm well today is the big day. i woke up at 6:00am. i rode up w/ chris' family to the airport. i think airport goodbyes suck. i dont know, i dont think i like showing my emotions to people.... i didnt want anyone to see me cry. so i didnt. but i really wish i would have gotten it out. i havent cried yet which means when i do, it will be bad. i wish five months didnt seem as long as it does. oh well i just have to remember not to be selfish, remember what a great experience this will be for him. right? tell me i'm right. gosh, why'd i have to go and fall i love w/ the guy anyway? geez. life kind of screws you up sometimes. you never plan on stuff like this, you know? its not that i regret it at all. i love him and i love the fact that i fell in love with him. its just that what are the odds that the guy I cant get enough of would be the one who goes to mexico for half a year? well i suppose it makes sense, since that's what caught my attention about him. that he loves mexico as much as i do. haha. well nevermind. it makes perfect sense. everything about us makes perfect sense though. so i know that five months seems long now, and will seem long for a long time, but when he gets back it will be like he never left. |
| December 2001 |
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| friday, december 28th, 2001. 4:01pm mmm diet pepsi is good for the soul. i'm trying to do laundry... cause maybe, just maybe, then i will clean my room. honestly i think i will never have time to do such a thing, but who knows. i went snowboarding yesterday, i'm going again tomorrow, i may go monday. i'm pretty excited that i'm getting all these opportunities because i want to improve! i rode a run w/ ryan and nichole yesterday... wow i forgot what it's like to ride w/ them. i love it cause they are so much faster than me... so i really have to push myself. thats how you get better. so tomorrow maybe i'll see them up there again... or maybe i'lll just try to push myself w/ catherine... she usually pushes me anyway. i'm thinking about giving in and lettin my mom buy me a helmet.... but a really nice one. thats just because i want to try new stuff w/out being afraid of dying. no excuses once i get a helmet. but dont tell my mom. i dont want her getting too excited. anyway, i'll write again when i have something to say i suppose. sunday, december 30th, 2001. 12:46pm i cant believe christmas break is almost over. i dreaded it for so long, but i dont want it to be over now that all i ignored has happened. i like the whole no school, no sense of what day it is thing. its nice. i like randomly going snowboarding and sleeping in the next day, i like keeping myself busy while at least half rested. i'm not ready to sit in cold stuffy rooms listening to long lectures or doing endless amounts of busy-work. i'm not ready to spend from 7am to 1:30pm wishing i could curl up on the floor and go to sleep. maybe i should just graduate at semester. i know i could. then i could spend a semester SLEEPING. nice. 11:59pm i have never been particularly happy with my home situation. but never, i think, as much as i am unhappy right now. did that sentence make sense? i cant handle it here anymore. its like the older i get the more denial my parents are in, so the more rules they make. who else at 17 still has a BEDTIME?? i think they like to make so many rules that i cant remember all of them so i can get in trouble more often so they can yell at me more. honestly i think they enjoy it. its so annoying, they always say i dont show how responsible i can be. the thing is, they dont really give me a chance. also, i really dont think that whining about driving my sister EVERYWHERE she wants to go so my poor overworked mom doesnt have to and so my *desperately* shy sister doesnt have to ask people for rides counts as being irresponsible. really its just a matter of being *extremely* annoyed at being used. when i was her age i had to find my own fucking ride. well what a convenience for everyone else that i'm the chauffer. oh and all this business about calling every time i go to any little place?? what am i? 12??? i tell them my plans in general and when i will be home.... what's gonna happen?? what are they gonna do, lose me???? damn why wont she stop talking to me she's agitating me soooo much. i want to just go away for a few days away from here and my hell. this is my hell you know. i wish i could appreciate my family but i cant cause i'm too busy being bitched at by them. wow i'm so whiny. at least i'm not starving, right? but damn i just hate my life so much right now. i really dont have anything to look forward to anymore. its all just hell for the next 6 months. maybe if i i just sleep a lot it will pass faster. or maybe i'll just avoid being home as much as possible. oh wait i do that already and i always get in *trouble* for it. like its a crime to hate being here. sorry people open your eyes, maybe i wouldnt hate it so much here if i was treated like i'm 17 and not 9. "but you act like you're 9 so we'll treat you like you're 9". wait, i dont know any nine year olds that act like that but WHATEVER i'll just ignore your bullshit anyway. i suppose there's not much more to say since i'm coming to the end of my bitching. i could go on longer but i know no one really wants to hear it. i need a hug. |
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