November

saturday, november 3rd, 2001. 2:11pm
wow. high school sucks. i took the SAT today. wow it fries my brain. luckily that was my last one and i'll never have to do it again. i should be tired since i got up at 6, but i'm not. i should take a nap, but i wont. i think i'll go down to the Y with courtney and go running. 30 minutes. hopefully by next week i'll work my way back up to 40 or 45. maybe not. who knows! i really would like to start running again. i have felt very... heavy lately. mostly because i didnt play soccer this year and that's how i always lose weight for the year. but oh well i guess i'm just learning how to avoid the freshman fifteen next year. run run run run run. anyway, i'm done. i'm not feeling too interesting right now.



sunday, november 3rd, 2001. 11:50am
there's nothing on the tv on sunday mornings. i'm watching ice skating. usually i hate watching ice skating. its boring. but i just watched nicole bobeck. she was amazing. she actually had a fun program. she is so gorgeous, what i wouldnt give to look like her! but i look like me, so i suppose i will deal. haha. besides, i would look ridiculous as a blonde. right? anyway, sunday school was enlightening this morning. they showed me some passages about how God has a plan for you and that you have to rely on that. i think that's really important to me right now because my future is so uncertain right now. i have no idea what life after graduation will bring me, ya know? but yeah, we'll find out. cause like i said, God has a plan for me. i guess this whole uncertainty with my future has basically been bringing me closer to God because i have to have something to comfort me and relieve my stress about what will happen in the future.



tuesday, november 6th, 2001. 11:46pm

Chiapas Morning

Written On: Thursday, October 4th, 2001. 3:50 pm

I wake up, not wanting to wake up, but unable to sleep. The obnoxious sounds of the amazing Chiapan birds grate at my nerves until a frustrated pain swells in my chest. The persistent sheep noises mixed with the faint voices of children executing their morning chores remind me of where I am.   I groan and stretch, roll over and seek out my Spanish dictionary. What was that word again? Oh yeah. I toss it aside and sit up, careful not to squeak the bed in case Kelsey is still asleep. Feeling the cold, filthy floor on my exposed feet, I remember to put flip-flops on before shuffling across the concrete to the door. The hall door is already open, Kelsey must have beaten me to the shower. I groggily rub my eyes and stretch again.... unlock and thrust open the squeaky, metal front door. I greet the man laying the concrete for a sidewalk around the house with a friendly "Buenos dias!"... secretly thankful that he is no longer working outside the open window of my room in the early morning hours. The man... old, dirty, and sweaty... stops his merry whistling to look up and smile, and returns my greeting. As he returns to his musical task, I stumble to the wicker bench and plop into the fraying seat.
I sigh as I stare out at the beautiful land that can only be Chiapas. How strangely beautiful this place is. So similar, but so amazingly different from my home in Oregon. The similarities include the surrounding green, the abundance of mountains, and the rain. Even in these similarities, though, vast differences can be found. The green in Chiapas is made up of every type of plant that one cannot imagine in Salem, Oregon... plants that require more heat and humidity, and in turn produce more beauty. Even the grass, a green evident in most parts of the world, is different. The blades are fat, juicy... dark green and cool on my skin when I hide in the shade of the trees to escape the midday heat. The tree-covered mountains rarely resemble the pine-covered ranges of home. The Chiapas mountains are rounded, and seem to reach higher than the tallest Oregon mountains. They rise in random places out of the flat ground, to make their ominous presence known. The rainy season in Chiapas is summer... opposite to Oregon's gray, depressing three rainy seasons: fall, winter, and spring. Though the rain in Oregon is perpetual and slow, Chiapas rain is strong and sudden... creating mini floods and rivers, and bringing spectacular displays of thunder and lightening... rayo y relampago.
As I slowly awake to the calming experience of Chiapas, I am overwhelmed with my own inner peace. The tranquility of this place makes me want to stay in this moment forever. A couple little boys wander down the stone path on the other side of the gate. I give them the same greeting that I gave the concrete layer. They wave, and go on with their chores. This place is magical to me. It reminds me that life is about the simple things.



friday, november 9th, 2001. 5:14pm
wow. i cant even believe its friday. where did the week go? it seems as if my whole life is a whirlwind. i dont even notice that the days change. i'm trying so hard to be everything to everyone, i've forgotten about myself. its dangerous, though. like a drug. i cant stop. i have to keep going everywhere. i just wish i didnt have to keep everyone happy all of the time. didnt always have to be doing the right thing. i wish i could just do what i want and not worry how i affected people. but thats too insensitive and selfish and i just couldnt do that. i guess i will just run around a bit more. eventually it will all be over. eventually i will be able to just do what i want and eventually i will be able to start over. i keep asking myself.... why do i want to please everyone so much? and you know what??? i just dont seem to have an answer.



sunday, november 11th, 2001. 11:59am

well i have had a pretty good weekend. i bought my snoball dress yesterday. it is so gorgeous. i cant even explain to you. i love it. its kind of not what you'd expect on me, its really sparkly... but i feel like a princess in it. that is what i wanted out of a dress. to feel amazing. i almost settled for another one... but i when i saw this one, i knew it was the one.

wow its so late. i never sleep anymore. even when i do, its not for long. at least i got a little extra sleep in last night. i was supposed to get up around 830 or 9 this morning. i was gonna be at chris' house by 1030. it usually takes me 20-25 minutes to get there. the phone rang at 10 and i opened my eyes to look at the clock. i almost peed my pants. but i did the impossible . i was only 5 minutes late. AND i got all that extra sleep. who could NOT be proud of me?? ok that was like the only random thing that happened today so i thought i'd throw it in. sorry, no deep thoughts tonight.



tuesday, november 13th, 2001. 6:27pm
what happened? why do they have this power over me?   how can they think it is productive to sit me down and tell me for hours how terrible i am at everything while i sob and sob? have they learned nothing from the past about what this does to my fragile emotional state? drugs help but they dont cure. It amazes me they think that they are suitable to raise me when they drive me to such measures.



wednesday, november 14th, 2001. 5:51pm.
i have come to believe, through my experiences and reading, that literacy is one of the most important things to the human race. everything relies on literacy. whether i'd like to acknowledge it or not, money is the basis of life in the world. if you have no money, you cannot buy the things you need (food, clothing, shelter) to survive. the only way for people who are at the bottom, the people who have nothing, to be upwardly mobile, is to be literate. of course there is more to it than that. a trade, an education, an opportunity are also important. but none of those can be successfully obtained without literacy. without literacy, a society does not have upward mobility and therefore fails in serving its people with what they need. i'm not saying these people need to become rich. but i know that they need to have the resources to obtain the things they need to live a comfortable, happy life, free of suffering. my strong belief in the importance of education and literacy, especially for cultures not as used to them as ours, leads to what i have finally figured out i'd like to hopefully do someday. i REALLY want to teach poor indigenous peoples of central america, especially chiapas and guatemala, how to read. especially kids. because if you can change the life of a child, you can change the lives of generations to come. i once told someone who asked what career i wanted to go into that i didnt quite know, but that i know i want to "affect peoples' lives in a positive way." she half-jokingly said "how noble." but frankly... i dont think i would do well if the only life i was affecting was mine. if nothing stops me, i want to join the peace corps and go to guatemala to teach after college. how rewarding owuld that be??? i'd probably end up living there for the rest of my life.



thursday, november 15th, 2001. 5:47pm
only i, the queen of all klutzes, could hurt myself during leisure and rec games. i mean, thats a class you take when you need a PE credit and dont want to sweat. so how is it, then, that i have hurt my neck to the point where i can think of nothing else????   this is a good question and i have no answer. i know it hurt when i woke up this morning.. perhaps i just tweaked it even more when i was doing those ever-demanding spikes. ow ow ow. i am in so much pain and i look so stupid. i want to crawl in a hole and die, or just cut off that part of my neck so it wont hurt anymore. gosh i am so pathetic.



friday, november 16th, 2001. 11:59pm
well well well. i have traffic school bright and early tomorrow morning. how terrible. i think i am wanting to be mouthy to them. thats not good at all i know. but i just really dont like the fact that i am being subject to this thing for no reason. i refuse to acknowledge that going 25 in a 15 is a crime. IT IS NOT. and i dont know a single person who goes 15 in the school's driveway. so that officer and that judge can kiss my ass. i'm a little riled up right now, can you tell? i've really been trying hard not to cuss lately.... but sometimes i jsut cant help it. i have no willpower. i wish i wasnt so lazy. oh well. anyway, everyone wish me luck since i will be suck in the most boring day of my life for 8 hours tomorrow. this punishment is more hell than all of the extra insurance costs would be. judge grubser or whatever i think is evil.



saturday, november 17th, 2001. 11:59pm
traffic school was all the hell i thought it would be.... times five. it was awful. and it was even LONGER than expected, and even MORE boring than i expected. and we had to TAKE NOTES!! well, i must be stronger now since that experience, and i am CERTAINLY more sleepy. i had an awesome evening w/ chris and brian and naomi and julia and courtney and megan. one of my most exciting evenings in awhile i believe. got my car vandalized w/ fake snow... watched dubbed for tv movies.... got taco bell.... what an exciting night! honesly i must say that it is too late for me to put together a meaningful entry so i hope everyone is thoroughly intrigued by my evening. haha what a joke. UN CHISTE. good night.



tuesday, november 20th, 2001. 10:50pm
my parents were just having like this screaming fight over my dad's obsessive need to turn off lights. my mom said shit. thats bad news. i hope i never get to that point. i dont want to be married to someone who annoys me. and i mean i know my parents love each other, but i just dont think i could handle anyone as anal retentive as either of my parents. i will probably turn out to be the anal one. man. i look forward to getting married someday, but sometimes.... on days like today, i get a bit worried. i guess two control freaks just really cant manage well together without frustrating eachother.



wednesday, november 21st, 2001. 3:59pm
i've come up w/ a plan. and everyone says to me "oh nicole, you dont need that" but i do, because it will make me feel better about myself. i am going to lose 5 pounds. and it would be nice if this will happen within the next 2 weeks. after i lose that 5 pounds, i can go on and see if i would like to lose another 5 pounds. according to some charts, if i lose 5 pounds, i will officially no longer be "overweight" i dont like fitting in the "overweight" category, it gives me the chills. i have this paranoia about being fat. but i also love food. so i find myself in a constant frenzy about my weight. how annoying. so right now i am going to exercise every day and eat healthier than usual. instead of cheese puffs for my after school snack, i'll have saltines, and instead of burger king for lunch, i'll have subway. they're minor adjustments, and if i stick to them hopefully i will see results.   i know i'm not fat, ok. i just think that i have a little bit of extra layers that i'd like to get rid of, thats harmless.



thursday, november 22nd, 2001. 11:59pm. thanksgiving
wow, the good charlotte concert last night was awesome.   mest was really awesome too, and lefty was good also. i love punk shows. they're a lot of fun. its hard for me cause i'm not a very hyper person by nature, so it is bit difficult for me to get really into a concert, or a dance, or whatever. plus i have this big like fear of being in big crowds, especially with everyone gettin all hyper around me. funny that i still love these shows anyway, isnt it?? i think i am secretly jealous of those girls who can wrench their bodies in those weird spasms that make them look totally like they KNOW how to be at a punk rock show.... i wish i could dance, even if it was just like that, at least i would be able to do something besides bounce up and down on my toes to the beat! haha but all in all it was a totally awesome night and i'm so glad chris took me.   i'm so glad he is so awesome. you dont even know.



saturday, november 24th, 2001. 8:35pm.
that dirty manwhore. i feel so gross. my mouth is so gross. i cant believe i eat with this mouth after kissing that gross dirty manwhore. a year, it took me a year to find out how gross it is. a year, and i still feel like puking. a year and i want to cry for all he took away and all he represents. the hypocrisy and the impurity. i dont hate people. but if there was one person to hate, it would all be encompassed in him. now i'm glad he shafted me, i'm glad i never had to deal with even more. i wouldnt have known what to do. i bet he picks all of the innocent ones to corrupt them. gross gross gross. i hate having regrets. and until this night i still didnt regret it. but its almost like i was blind and now i can see, like the scales are falling in masses from my eyes and now i see, i see how bad things were, how bad they could have gotten. how awful. i feel so gross. i feel so wronged. why did God have to have that happen to me? a year, almost a year of my life ruined. and other things i will never get back. my first kiss i will never get back. i hate that it was with a dirty manwhore who made my mouth dirty. i should have asked him where that mouth had been. gross. i'm disgusted. brendan i hope you read this so you can know how much you disgust me.



sunday, november 25th, 2001. 11:51pm
simplify your life. i wish. i wish it was that simple. what am i constantly told? do everything. complicate. be involved. be social. do well in school. join things. get a job. keep friends. do things. simplify your life. if only it could be that simple. why cant it be simple to simplify? maybe thats why i want to live in a different country. maybe thats why i want to go where the things and the influences cant reach me.

i hate to cry over things that mean nothiing to me. over things that are gone, over things that dont matter. i hate to cry at all from frustration, but most of all i hate to cry from frustration caused by the past which so unbearably i cannot change.



wenesday, november 28th, 2001. 2:09pm
i think after this week i will not be as stressed. right now it is just a matter of getting all these things done, getting ready for snoball, making sure everything is in order. my to do list today?

-get gas
-call for a hair appointment
-call mom to have her meet me downtown to order a boutineer
-call chris about meeting for lunch
-go tanning to rid myself of tan lines for snoball
-meet chris for lunch
-get hair cut
-order boutineer
-work out

ok, it doesnt look that long, but man oh man i am just running around like a chicken w/ its head cut off. next week though there will be no more hair cuts, no more tanning, no more ordering. next week it will be GET A JOB. who knows, maybe i'll find one if i actually try. i dunno we'll see. i honestly was going to try to get a job at goodwill this week. but i'm too busy. end of the six weeks plus snoball. so i will do it next week. i'm not doing it, however, because my parents are nagging me. because they think that is the only way to get me to look for a job. in actuality, however, the more they nag me, the more i resent them, the more i dont want to do what they want, hence the less i want to get a job. i try explaining that to them but of course they dont want to hear it. my mom sits around and makes up things about me and like my thought processes that she begins to believe and then brings out in the middle of an argument. its SO annoying. "you just dont WANT to get a job because you dont want to work!" "are you trying to tell me you just dont want to go to mexico?" "you're so lazy and spoiled, that's why you dont have a job". it goes on and on. who doesnt resent their parents after that. they dont really care, though, that they're actually hindering me from getting a job..... and, in actuality, stressing me out even more than i already am. how obnoxious. ok i'm done bitching.

11:34pm:
well of course i ended up doing even more than what was on my list. but hey i got it all done. i'm getting sick, so i think i will go to bed early. also i burned my chest tanning and oh man it hurts. all the lotion in the world couldnt help this girl. i despise tanning. i cant wait till those tan lines are gone. ha i thought i was going to say somehing worthwhile. guess not! mmmm bed...... goooooood.



thursday, november 29th, 2001. 11:59pm
i wish someone would invent a vaccine for the common cold. they would get so much business from me. why can they make flu shots but not cold shots? i seem to be the frequent victim of the common cold. it seems like everyone gets it like once a year.... you know, it goes a round a few times and within those few times it has hit everyone. why, then, do i get it EVERY time it goes around? it hardly seems fair that i should constantly be sick. ok, so not even constantly.... but enough to the point where i get really frustrated with my useless immune system. i think i am just bitter because i dont dont dont dont dont want to be sick for snoball. haha if i was someone reading this i would probably go insane from the lack of punctuation in that last sentence.

this is totally not relevant to me at the moment.... but i was wondering... is it worse to have someone like you who you dont like, or to like someone who doesnt like you? this thought popped into my head and honestly i just cant think of the right answer. i almost think it is worse to have someone like you who you dont like, just because then all the stress is placed on you. the whole letting them down nicely and not breaking their heart thing is hard! but yeah, it does suck to like someone who doesnt like you.... but at least then you're the one that they have to be careful w/ and you can just sit in the distance and remain removed from the situation. hmmm i really dont know the right answer. but there's my two cents. good night.



friday, november 30th, 2001. 4:08pm
money money money. i need money. i have never been this stressed out about dinero. but i'm almost down to nothing. i'm sooooo happy i'm going to snoball but oh my goodness its taking the last of my money. now i have no choice but to get a job. my backup funds are gone. how stressful. i really dont know how to get a job. i give up. someone please just hand me a job. i've tried so hard. i'm just no good. i'm not hireable. whats so special about me anyway?? nothing! agh. i hate being stressed out about money. money should be the cause of nothing in my life. i hate the fact that i need it. if i want to go to mexico this summer i will need about $350. where will i get that??? ahhhh!!!!!

11:59pm
sometimes i wonder if scare people. i can be rather moody. i wonder if i scare people who read this page. haha. when i go off on my little rampages about certian people or things... i'm sure i alarm people. it sucks that sometimes i have to censor what i say because of who might be reading this.... i try not to, but i am only human. then again there are the times when i say something specifically because i WANT someone to read it, even if they never give my page the time of day (and lets face it, only about 2 people actually read this). i dont know what makes me think that what i write and what i have to say will matter to anyone. and i suppose it doesnt. but sometimes yuo have to feel like you are useful in SOME way. and honestly, i hope people will read my webpage just to see who and what i really am.... because i am not sure if i am very good at showing that to people. not that i think i'm fake, i just think i'm a bit reserved.... a bit untrusting.... theres nothing i hate more than to be vulnerable. so why would i just go out and reveal my whole inner self to everyone??? what if they didnt like it???? i think this webpage is kind of my indirect way of showing myself to people... its like they cant laugh DIRECTLY in my face because i'm not there while i'm doing it? why must i be so insecure despite all my confidence???