October

monday, october 1st, 2001. 10:03pm
   well alicia and i were talking about guys that SEEM "perfect", and she told me to always be skeptical about them. But darn it, dont you ever just want to go forward and continue with blind infatuation??? I mean i know, thats never the HEALTHY thing to do.... or even the right thing. but frankly if you analyze enough you ruin the mystery and excitement all together. And isnt it always that the thing you like, the thing you WANT to do, isnt the healthy thing to do? why is that? why do we have to do things that are less fun to live "healthy" and "good" lives? i suppose there are things that are even better though that are healthy and good. and of course we all know i'm going to bring up Mexico. but its like when i am helping people, any time....its a great feeling beyond that of any feeling i could get by doing unhealthy things. so in the end, its all really just perspective.   if i want things to look good, they will be, and vice versa.



tuesday, october 2nd, 2001. 10:05pm
today i have had this strange feeling in my stomach, like i am excited about something..... but i really have no idea what it is. its cool though, cause i feel happy too. i've honestly wanted to write about it all day, but i dont really know what i am writing about. how weird! i'm glad i'm feelin good. thats always nice.

i'm upset because someone has accused me of things that are all wrong, in a distorted point of view. and they are things about me and it makes me so angry to hear that someone i trusted thinks i should be something else. why am i constantly surrounded with people telling me to be something else? they claim they accept me for who i am, but do they? do they think in their heads that really i would look better if i'd put some make up on, or if i'd put a little effort into what i wear? i just feel like if they really accepted me for me, they would realize that those things are obviously not what makes me me. sure, everyone cares what people think. even i, nicole, want guys to think i'm attractive. but above that i am more worried about having people's perception of me be correct. and i have found that i find the most quality guys when i am myself, no make-up and all. for some people, outside is important. or they simply just want to care about how they look. and thats fine. but its not for me. and sometimes i wish i wasnt so surrounded by people that bring me down, and the media images fed to me daily about what THEY think i should be.   sometimes i wish i lived on the moon where nothing else exists.

I'm glad to have met Chris because its really awesome to find someone who can relate to almost everything you have ever thought. I never though ANYONE outside my Hogar group would understand why i love Mexico, and i never thought i'd see the same moral values i hold held by someone else....especially a guy. (no offense guys). i guess frankly Chris gives me hope that maybe people out there really can understand me. at least i know he does!



wednesday, october 3, 2001. 11:20pm
   my toes are freezing. and i even put on socks. tonight chris and i went down to the riverfront to people watch. we watched the whole drumming circle thing. i wore flipflops. i always wear flipflops. i have never wished more that i hadnt worn flipflops. i no longer have toes. i have little icicles. haha. but hey, it was worth it to remind myself of the people who know who they are and feel comfortable about being themselves in public. it makes me think that what i do is nothing.... because i wont dance in front of ONE person, let alone a whole crowd of people. i know, though, that we just have different methods of expression... which is really the interesting thing about people in general.... the thing that MAKES diversity. the different ways people express themselves. also it was a fun opportunity to get to know chris even more. i like that we can disagree on things too. i think thats important. yeah we are a lot alike, but we are not the same. thats awesome. and thank goodness he doesnt yell at me until i agree with him. those people are frickin weird. haha.



friday, october 5th, 2001. 7:45pm
i really dont like to read. since middle school i really havent been a big reader at all. but i checked out this book at the public library on tuesday on julias card since i cant check out books because i live outside the city. anyway, its called Our Word is Our Weapon and its a compilation of writings by the leader of the Zapatistas of Chiapas, Subcomante Marcos. He is an excellent writer. at first i thought it would be kind of boring, but the way he writes really gets to me through writing styles that hold my interest. he relays facts, views, opinions, and stories in a way that is actually effective. It helps that i have interest in the Zapatistas already, but i definitely reccomend the book to anyone who's interested in learning about the indigenous Mayans of Southern Mexico. haha i'm sure thats everyone. its just interesting to see how the country's original people are treated, and how they aren't willing to just sit around and take the crap they have been given.



sunday, october 21st, 2001. 11:32pm
HAHAHAHAHA i have beaten the system! my page is now back and running!!!! i still have a few finishing touches to add, but i am now well on my way!   so much has happened, i cant even begin to summarize, so i'll just go from here. i went to the exit party on friday. it was quite disappointing actually. pretty boring. haha i got picked to go up on stage in a situp contest to win a snowboard. too bad i thought they meant FULL REAL situps! needless to say all the other people were just moving their heads while i was doing proper situps and NO haha i didnt win. far from it. but thats alright i guess God just wants me to work for a new board. kinda sucks that my abs are sore and my spine bruised for no reason though. gosh it was so nerve-racking. i hate being in front of people. and i swear there were like a thousand people. i was shaking sooo hard. it was pretty intimidating. it doesnt help that everyone has to make cracks about how badly i did. i feel pretty dumb. but thats ok, tomorrow no one will remember. as of now, i am pretty miserable. my sister got me sick. but oh well it will pass eventually, all things do. i just might have to walk around with a tissue up my nose for awhile to stop the dripping. yummy.



monday, october 22nd, 2001. 11:10pm
well it's been a rough day for good old nicole. i'm pretty sick and in turn i have been very irritable and CONFUSED all day. quite a sad sight i must say. however, this evening i passed the sick hours with chris who is equally sick. yes, we looked quite pathetic huddled on the couch watching tv with a roll of toilet paper sitting on the table in front of us, sniffing and coughing every two seconds. but as pathetic as it looked, and ok even felt.... it was still awesome. its really nice to have someone to be pathetic with. then i dont feel quite as pathetic... and the pathetic-ness i do feel is a good pathetic-ness because i know i am coexisting pathetically with someone i really like to be with anyway. well yeah i'm sure that makes a whole bunch of sense to everyone because i'm SOOO good at explaining things. haha. i got an icee on my way home that i just finished a bit ago and WOOO it has caught up with me. oh man the guy that sold me that thing was a little odd. i HATE when gas station guys hit on me!! and gosh it doesnt even happen that often but why must it happen at all?? and why only when i'm wearing sweatpants?? ooooooook i'm done now, i promise!! haha goodnight.



tuesday, october 23rd, 2001. 4:00pm
the more weighing my cold gets, the more i am reminded of last year. starting at the end of soccer season (about now i suppose, although i no longer play soccer) i was constantly sick for 4 months. colds, sinus infections, bronchitis..... you name it i had it like 3 times. i even earned myself nicknames like "Typhoid Mary" in Mr. Mauze's Health 2 class.... and the special privelege of running out of the room during CAD class any time i suffered an uncontrollable coughing attack. i know i'm not so great at taking care of myself. even when i'm sick, i stay up late, go snowboarding on weekends, and try to live life normally. but gosh, you'd think that maybe all those germs or whatever could leave me alone this year. ok so it's only my second cold so far and it's not even that bad, but i can just IMAGINE what's in store for me!



wednesday, october 24th, 2001. 11:59pm
have you all read my "dream guy requirements"? posted on june 13th, 2001:

nicole's dream guy requirements: (hardy har har)
              -sweet smile
              -respects everyone
              -finds the good in people no one likes
              -wants to help people
              -NO partying
              -genuine
              -non-superficial
              -likes to laugh
              -positive sense of adventure
              -polite
              -christian!

i had actually written them several months earlier, and when i posted them, i was with someone who was a far cry from the person outlined here. i figured hey.... no one's perfect, these are just ideals... you know? who would know that i would find someone who fits them all? i'm amazed. God really does work everything out for you in the end, doesnt He? i guess that's a little thing called faith. i have faith that God knows what He is doing in my life and that even though sometimes i dont want to, i should hand my life over to God with the faith that He helps me lead a better life. AMEN!

Since i feel so inspired, i'd like to encourage everyone to say a prayer RIGHT NOW!



thursday, october 25th, 2001. 11:59pm
when it is past midnight, i now will just say it is 11:59 as to not confuse people on what the date actually is. sometimes its easier if you just stretch the truth a teeny bit. it's only 12:20 right now anyway. is anyone else completely disgusted by some of the commercials that are on late night TV these days?? How about the 1-800-WE-ARE-18 commercial?? how gross! "let 18 be your lucky number" what??? what kind of sick twisted people call that or go to their website. like the people on the phone are really 18. they're probably 40 year old obese women who need some money and can make their voice sound like they're really horny. gosh, what kind of weirdos get off on that nonsense?? ok well now i am too grossed out for my own good!

today after i babysat i went down to governors cup to do some writing. sometimes its nice to just go and do something like that. its not often that i have time to be by myself. for the most part i love being with other people. but i forget that sometimes it is necessary to focus on myself also. i wrote like four pages in my english journal. i started out with the topic "my individuality" (the topic of a paper i got a depressing 85% on in english). who knows what i ended up with. thats what i like about writing. i can go wherever i damn well please and no one can stop me. its almost like art in a way i think. who knows... could i be artistic afterall?? well lets not get too hopeful on that one. haha goodnight damas y caballeros.



friday, october 26th, 2001. 11:59pm
i just had a conversation w/ someone. i asked him what he thinks the definition of successful is. "being happy motivated competitve relaxed wealthy stimulated wise". that was his answer. he says it was off of the top of his head, but it sounds like he pretty much has an idea of what he wants his life to be. which is pretty cool. i know i'm not that planned out yet. but i know that his answer is similar to SOO many other people's answers. and thats awesome. but it makes me feel like an alien and a half because it is so far from mine. for me, if i am successful in my life, i will have affected lives in a positive way. thats so... undefined. that can mean anything. but i guess its just really important to me that my idea of success has nothing to do w/ money, because for most people it does. whats that really going to do for them? its not fullfilling to just have stuff. you need to have a purpose. its nice to already know what my purpose is. and its nice to know that there are so many ways to use it in my life.



sunday, october 28th, 2001. 11:56pm
today was the first time in a long time that i have not felt utterly happy. i was already feeling sensitive when i went to youth group. it happens to be about 3 weeks until CPYA, the annual retreat i have gone on every year since freshman year. however, last year i was involved in some escapades that created a reputation for myself. as the discussion about CPYA continued, so too did the jokes and cracks about my escapades. you know, a joke or two would have been fine. but you know, the detail that they went into, the effort they put out JUST to humiliate me.... it all went too far, and by halfway through the gathering, i felt like bawling my eyes out. i basically feel like i am being picked on.... and that people are taking an experience that ended in my heart being broken in two, and making fun of it.... using it as their entertainment. it's just not right. i did cry after i got home, too. and youth group isnt supposed to make you feel like that. its hard for me because i know that God made traffic school interfere with CPYA for a reason. i have Faith that although i really would like to go, that God knows it wouldnt be the best thing for me. part of me really wants that closure.... part of me would really like to stand up to the guy once and for all and tell him what i think of him. but the truth is i would probably just end up humiliating myself even further. so although i thought i had forgotten the whole ordeal, i guess i really havent yet... and a little part of me, tragically, will probably always be dedicated to loathing him and loathing myself for being so naive. but you know, i guess that's life.... and i know that God makes everything.... EVERYTHING in my life happen for a reason. i think that's one of the only ways i can go on sometimes. and now God has put someone really special in my life that makes me realize how wrong some people in the past have been for me. that really helps, i think.... and i know that if i wait long enough, all of my wounds will heal and the things that are supposed to be right for me will be right for me.



monday, october 29th, 2001. 11:57pm
why am i getting so edgy??? i'm so high-stress all of the sudden. and its not even because its that time of month, cause its not. so if it's not that... what is it??? my mom has been putting a lot of stress on me lately and i dont know where it came from. just like all of the sudden WHAM! "gee nicole, let me tell you what a disappoinment and a failure you are.... OVER AND OVER AND OVER." then there's my dad being the Rule Master again. he makes rules just for the hell of it. every little one time thing is suddenly A RULE. i'm at the end of my rope. i KNOW there's only a few months left, but i feel like i'll never make it.    who knows. i probably WILL make it, i just might not have the best time.



tuesday, october 30th, 2001. 11:18pm
i'm so frustrated in my college writing class. because she kind of said "write what is you" and doesnt tell us much more than that. so i write as myself, and get crappy comments and grades. even if i get GOOD comments, my grade sucks. I NEED A's! i cant afford to get 90% or lower on everything. i want a good GPA so badly. its getting to the point where i'm feeling a bit stressed. why do i do this to myself? i can get into any college that i am interested in right now w/ my SAT scores alone... yet those are not good enough either. where did all of these ambitions of living up to my potential come from? also, if i do well in school, i can get college money. thats what i need. college is so expensive. do i look like i'm made out of money? the problem is that my family doesnt come close to fitting the "great need" category, so i dont qualify for a lot of scholarships. but that doesnt mean i dont need that money!!! how can they not understand that? i guess there are people who need it more than me... but gosh i dont want to pay off loans for the rest of my life. if i get a job where i'm going to be poor, i cant have loans to pay off. that would really suck if my whole future was ruled by my debts and not by what i wanted to do. maybe i really should look into the peace corps. that would be such an awesome opportunity. i cant even describe how much fun that would be for me. but peace corps only pays off great need loans. so here we go again. hahahaha. i wish my parents were paying all of it. i know they're paying a lot.... but it would be nice to not even have to think about money and just think about where i can get the best education. its funny, my friends are all looking at private schools while i'm all "nope, i gotta go to a state school!" wow ok i just realized that i dont even remember the topic i started on. its time for me to do my math. adios!



wednesday, october 31st, 2001. 11:59pm
happy halloween! why is it that as you get older, everything seems less fun? i used to DIE waiting for halloween to come, just so i could go trick or treating in my cute costume and get TONS of candy.... enough to live on for 2 months. but somehow i outgrew trick or treating age, and then there was nothing. sure, we can try our "grown up" methods of celebrating and making it fun.... but nothing brings back the magic of the excitement holidays such as halloween brought. overall, i have a general lack in spirit. i feel like i am one of those people who are too "mature" for everything. its like, gosh nicole, suck it up. but i dont know. maybe this is what comes with age? how depressing. how sad will it be when i get to the point of looking at Christmas as a holiday that uses mucho dinero instead of a time of celebrating with family and remembering God's gift to the world? well maybe i will regain my spirit. maybe i will stop being a "cool" teenager someday and be someone's dorky, uninhibited soccer mom. that would be fun. i've noticed that a lot of old people (or parent people) are weird..... but its cause they have life figured out. they know that being whatever they want is ok because they're past all these inhibitions of adolescence.