february

friday, february 1st, 2002. 9:40pm.
wow today was pretty bad. not like BAD BAD. just bad. i only had one class, and i didnt have to get up until 10:30.... but i still couldnt get myself up. it was awful. i went to class and we had an in-class essay. those are horrible. i dread them. i hate only have 90 minutes to write a whole essay. theres no time to edit or revise... its awful. i always just sit there and stare at the paper and freeze... everything leaves my brain when i have to write an in class essay. once i finally got that over with, i went to work. i was awfully ditzy today. it was really really weird. i kept forgetting orders and to charge things and what i was doing. and i accidently threw a few people's change at them, forgot to put the lid on the blender before turning it on, spilled things, etc. it was horrible. i just felt so out of it. it was weird. well anyway, i'm going to go get ready for tomorrow. i'm snowboarding tomorrow and i need to go get ready.

monday, february 4th, 2002. 4:13pm
yeah my dad hid my cereal this morning. ok let me explain. i live in a very anal household. we have this "system" if you will. we have two big tupperware boxes for our cereal, and so we only have 2 boxes of cereal open at a time, to avoid stale unused cereal. ok, sounds like a good thing, and ideally *just like communism* it works fine. the thing is, they've been buying, for several weeks now, cereal i dont like. so suddenly, yesterday morning, i go downstairs and find my favorite cereal, honey bunches of oats! i was so happy and i gleefuly pulled the little bag out of the box and was about to cut it open, when my mom yells: "DON'T OPEN THAT!!!" And i'm all "whoa, chill out" she's like "you know its the RULE that you have to finish the other stuff first!" and i'm like "but i dont even LIKE the other stuff." but apparently i have no choice, either eat the gross stuff or nothing at all. so i was like "screw this i dont need breakfast," and i went to church starving. so this morning i go downstairs and no one's home and i'm just thinking "i'm all over that honey bunches of oats, nothing is going to stop me now." OH, its so GONE. i'm like shit, no way, my parents HID it. so i searched all the cupboards and was getting QUITE angry when i was about to give up and go breakfastless again. there wasnt even enough of the other cereal left to eat if i wanted to. it was getting late and i was at the end of my rope. so finally i open the cupboard above the refridgerator (i know i spelled that wrong but oh well), the LAST place i would look, of course, and THERE's my cereal. i cant even believe my dad would hide it. how RIDICULOUS is this family i live in??? to make such a big deal out of something that little. only in this household. i cant wait to get out and have stale food all around me just to piss them off.

wednesday, february 6th, 2002. 7:58pm
wednesday, it's wednesday.... it took me ten minutes to figure that out. i suppose you could say things arent going so great. thousands of factors have combined this week to ensure that i feel as miserable as possible. to top it all off today, i got four more cavities filled. it would only take three hours to fill four cavities in MY WORLD. i feel miserable and the novacaine kind of spread to my nostrils, so i'm having difficulty breathing.

i cant believe my dad thinks that i will go have sex if i am let out of his sight. he makes me so angry. i mean the very IDEA just is so ridiculous that i would be laughing hysterically right now if i werent crying from how mortified, hurt, and distrusted i feel!!! i have never given my parents ANY reason to believe i am or will be sexually active at this age. i know i'm not ready for that stuff, and what's more, i strongly morally believe that God wants me to hold off on that stuff until i'm married. I mean, think how much more special if will be if it is with the person i'm going to spend the rest of my life with! i mean, for heavens sakes i regret my first KISS because i wasnt in love w/ the guy! i mean, my own mother is the one that told me i'll "probably have premarital sex and you know, that's not really that bad of a thing" which horrifies me and forces me to block out bad mental images of my own parents "living in sin." I MEAN GROSS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. i just cant believe my dad doesnt trust me. and even more i cant believe the assumptions he is making about chris, just because he thinks "all boys have one thing on their mind, nicole." Does he not REALIZE that chris is in Mexico for five freaking months to strengthen his RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD... and that that ususally doesnt consist of goals of committing fornication? my dad is so, out of touch and so afraid that i'm going to be on my own soon. there is no way for me to get through to him and i hate that.

i have made a mistake and made a bet with amy, my most stubborn friend. she runs court elections at school and just could NOT understand why no one would want to vote to nominate people for winter court. when i explained to her some "possibilities" (also my general reasons for usually not voting). she just couldnt understand. i dont really know how, but we ended up with a 5 dollar bet whether or not I would be nominated. this is ridiculous because i KNOW i will not be nominated, no one even knows who i am, cares who i am, or likes me. but now i'm just plain embarrassed to be in this predicament! what a random situation i never thought i would be faced with! haha!

Oh yeah!!! before i forget, i was finally reviewed on The Weblog Review!!! so go there and check out the review of my page!!

thursday, february 7th, 2002. 11:41pm
wow today has been an amazingly full day. i did get nominated for winter court. but its an empty victory because i know if it werent for that stupid bet, no one would have thought to nominate me. but whatever, i know i'm not making the court so i'm not making a big deal. after school i had to go to the doctor about my hip that has been killing me. i cant even walk anymore. and oh, he was so concerned that there maybe BONE FRAGMENTS involved, he sent me to go get an X-ray!!! let me tell you, i was not prepared for THAT at all!!! i always went with my mom when i got x-rays, too.... so it was weird, but at the same time it was really good. i mean, i felt like finally i knew how to do things on my own. i really DONT need to rely on my mommy to deal with the paperwork anymore. i'm responsible for myself. and thats pretty cool. anyway, nothings wrong with the bone, he said i just strained the muscle pretty badly and i have to just wait for it to heal. and i cant exercise!! ah i'm going to blimp up!!! oh well. the best part of my day was *of course* talking to chris. after he got offline he called me and we had exactly ONE minute to talk. but oh it was the best one minute of my whole week. i like to hear him, make sure he is real sometimes. cause sometimes he seems too good to be true.

friday, february 8th, 2002. 11:59 pm (12:26am)
tonight was really fun. i wasnt really going to do anything but then julia said i could just go over to her house and be lazy with her so i did. when i got there emma was randomly there and it was such a delight to see her cause i never see that girl. we reminisced about old retreats and mission trips and about the church-wide crush on mike. it was really fun. i felt kind of bad when megan and courtney came over cause they dont really know emma and they dont know all of the stuff the three of us have been through. but i still think we had a really good night. and we made carmel corn that was way too sticky, and my teeth hurt now but mmmm it was worth it. haha julia and i remember it from sophomore year when we had youth groups at her *boyfriend*s house and his mom made it. homemade caramel corn... i do reccomend it. maybe i'lll put the recipe up here one of these days. i'm so tired, i have to work tomorrow for six hours.... my hip is going to kill me by the end. help! well anyway, goodnight. hopefully i'll have something good to say tomorrow.

sunday, february 10th, 2002. 2:22pm
i have decided to not be afraid of Chris' ex-girlfriend anymore. she's really really nice. i guess i just knew that she had gotten kind of upset the first time she saw us together, and that made me afraid that she hated me. but you know, i probably would have been the exact same way. and now she's really nice to me and goes out of her way to make me feel comfortable at church (although i still feel a little awkward in that setting anyway, since i'm not really used to it). its hard cause she's really intimidating. not in like a MEAN way, but in a way that is like, i constantly compare myself to her. and its hard cause she is SO GORGEOUS, you cant even imagine.... and she's super friendly and outgoing and always has this beautiful smile. so i'm constantly like *eeee! she's so pretty.... and so outgoing... i'm so NOT outgoing around people i dont know.... and ah! why's she so nice to me, shouldnt she hate me... wow shes so friendly....why would chris want me if he could have someone as good as her??* and yeah, i know i shouldnt be thinking this stuff, and i KNOW that he loves me but theres always the part of me that will never feel good enough. oh well hopefully she and i will turn out to be friends... cause really, she is really nice and i enjoy her... so who knows.

11:52pm
today chris' mom called me and invited me over to celebrate nick's birthday with their family. it was really awesome to get to see all of them again. its kind of weird how i havent seen therm in so long. everyone is so nice... his parents and his brother... and his sisters and their husbands, and his neices (oh they are just ADORABLE!!!!) and his grandparents. i just kind of feel like i have found my place with them now. and thats nice. of course being there made me miss chris a lot.... a lot a lot, but in a way i think it almost helped me to deal with how much i miss him... you know? anyway, i'm tired, its been a long, but good day. so adios.

monday, february 11th, 2002. 11:15pm
WOW I CANT BELIEVE IT I MADE THE WINTER COURT!!!!! i'm so amazed. its always one of those dumb little dreams i have had since freshman year to be on a court, and get to be in the assembly and have all eyes on ME, dressed up and walking in to my favorite song. and now i get to!!!!!!! i dont know what to do i am beside myself!!!!! i almost peed my pants when amy called me. i wish i would have been at school for the announcement! haha. oh wow. i'm ecstatic. i cant believe this. i'm going to cry. i had to ask someone to be my escort, which was hard because it had to be someone from our school (so even if chris was here he couldnt do it), but i dont really have that many guy friends at my school. so i finally decided to ask jake, who i talk to a lot but dont know all that well, and i felt really dumb when i called and hes like "nicole who?" ok TALK about making me feel stupid!!! i wanted to kick him!! but i got over it and yeah oh well life will go on. he sounded excited so who knows. yeah we'll see. wow i'm so overwhelmed right now i have to go pick a song! wish me luck!!!!

thursday, february 14th, 2002. 3:07pm Valentine's Day
wow this day has been amazing. actually this whole week. i mean, i'm really excited about the whole wintercourt thing... but also just the weather has been enough to put me in the best mood!!!! The sky is this amazing blue color, like the color of the sky during the summer.... and there's barely a cloud in the sky... just a few wispy ones on the horizon. its amazing. its not that cold for february either. i have been driving with my window rolled down and the heat turned on.... so it feels just like summer. there's something about sun that makes me feel happy. then theres the whole winter court thing. i just cant even believe i am on it. i always wanted to be one of those people up there, you know?? and never even thought it was a possibility.... and all of the sudden its TOMORROW and i have a dress and everything! i think i'm the only one on the whole freaking senior court that's excited about it, they were laughing at me in history today because i am just overwhelmed with the whole thing. and i just keep walking around beaming. how oddly dumb that i am so excited!! oh well, i totally feel happy and i'm glad i am excited about it. hopefully i dont trip and die!!! ah that would definitely not help!!!

7:37:
it just hit me a little bit ago that its valentines day. well, hit me in a negative way i suppose. because i was talking to chris online, and i started crying. it was really sad. i hate when i really DONT want to show my emotions, but my emotions dont care and they just announce themselves to the world. even though no one was home... i really didnt feel like admitting that i was really sad and missing chris pretty badly. i had been having such a good day, forgetting that i was sad. i'm ecstatically happy that i got to talk to him. i just wish he was here for the day. i just wish i didnt have to wish my senior year away. and people say "well you need to be independent, you should be enjoying your senior year without him." but when you're in love, it's different. he means more than anything to me, and i just want to be with him. i cant imagine my life without him. so yeah, my friends think i changed after he left, cause i did. he changed me period. when it comes to chris, i feel things deeper. its not to say that i've never been in love before.... but never like this.

friday, february 15th, 2002. 11:09pm
wow. today was absolutely amazing. it blew me away. I AM THE QUEEN OF SPRAGUE WINTER COURT 2002. can you BELIEVE it???????????????? i certainly cant. i keep replaying it all over and over in my head and it still doesnt seem real. me??? ME??? MEEEEEE????????????? i got up this morning at 530 so i could shower and have my sister do my makeup. i got to julias around 7 for her to do my hair. courtney and megan came over too. then around 8 i went to the school for the dress rehearsal. we had to wear our dresses for the dress rehearsal so i went in and got ready with priya. she was nervous too, so it made me feel so much better, like i wasnt the only one who thought it was a big deal. julia did a lot to help me get ready. she was pretty amazing. then we went and rehearsed and everything went smoothly.... i was dying of nervousness though. and i hadnt really eaten anything besides a couple slices of toast cause that had been all i could stomach. so then we had to wait for everyone to get into the gym, and for the whole assembly to start, theni had to wait for my turn. when they opened the door for me, i thought i was going to puke. i went into the gym and i was listening for my music.... but it was the WRONG song!!!! it was the first song on the cd i turned in instead of the tenth... it was going to be "It's On Tonight" by Good Charlotte, which i think describes me well.... but instead it was "Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz. I looked over at Amy and mouthed "this isnt my song" and she just shrugged and looked at me and i was like "well ok...." and started walking. i looked at the video and it looks like i was speed walking!!! my arms were flying!! haha. i got to the center to meet jake and i was like "ah!!" but he knew how nervous i was and he did a really good job at keeping me calm. "ok here we go... we're going to go up the stairs, ok now we're turning this way.... wave.... now the other way....ok now we face this way." it helped a lot to have one of us calm. haha at least they played the right song on my way to the risers. i was only the second senior out of eight so i watched everyone else from there. when they were all done, they announced "ok now you all know that since the game tonight was canceled, we held the vote yesterday and the king and queen are going to be crowned today... now Mr. and Mrs. McMinimee will crown the kind and queen." so yeah they go up and i am so expecting like jennifer bell or priya to get it so i'm just kinda chillin, so when he passed jenn i was like oh, he must be going to priya, so i turn to look at her and then i turn back and the principal's standing in front of ME with the tiara. he went to put it on my head and i was like "ARE YOU JOKING ME???" yeah i basically YELLED at the principal. i covered my mouth with my hands and started squealing and freaking out i couldnt believe it. then i like turned and gave jake a BIG hug cause i didnt know what else to do i was just dying!!! and then everyone started to gather around to take pictures and yeah it was a HUGE deal!!! when i finally got off the risers i just didnt know what to do. it was amazing. all my friends were freaking out as well. julia was shaking like she was having a seizure. the first few hugs i got knocked the tiara fully off my head. my morning was just undescribable. i never even THOUGHT about getting crowned! a whole bunch of us went to sharis after the assembly for breakfast. (thank goodness cause i was starving). it was such a great time. i wore my crown all day. i just took it off a few minutes ago. i wore it to breakfast, to school, to work, everywhere. my boss kept bragging to people about the "quality" kind of employees he has, that are court queens. hahaha. oooh man how unbelievable. maybe this is all just a dream and i am going to wake up soon.

tuesday, february 19th, 2002. 2:11pm
i'm so afraid that the feeling is leaving me. sometimes i wonder if i am crying because what i keep worrying about is happening. is it still there, or am i holding on to nothing. is this all just coming from my weak character? from my wussy desire to just give up, to claim that this is too much for me, that i am just a seventeen year old girl.... these burdens are unfair. and are they even burdens? and what a lame ass excuse. LIFE is unfair, so get over it you wuss. even i have moments of weakness, where i feel like all i can do is give up. but i usually dont give up, and i know i wont with this either. i just have to hold on and remember that this too shall pass. i think that should have been the motto that i live by for the assembly. Carpe Diem my ass.

friday, february 22nd, 2002. 10:24pm
i am so sporatic about how often i write. honestly i only write when i have time to do nothing.... or that i want to do nothing. anyway, lets see. ah yes. i am beginning to have problems socially. AND academically i suppose. socially, i just am having trouble relating to people. their judgments, their insensitivity, their self-absorbedness (is that a word?) its just like, GEEZ, dont they see that there is SO MUCH MORE to this world than high school? they make major dramas over little things and backstab people they are close to and pass judgments on people they know nothing about. they can be harsh and stuck up, or simply so uncaring that no one matters except themselves. i notice this in ALL my peers, and it makes me just not want to be around them at all right now. but where am i stuck for the next 4 months?? a high school full of about 2,300 of those peers that i so greatly want to avoid. i want to scream!!! my mom told me last night that she wishes i would have graduated last year (although she's glad i didnt because then she wouldnt be the proud mother of a winter court queen.... um, ok mom) because she can tell that i am ready to move on to the next phase of my life. she told me i have been "treading water" this year, just doing what i need to do to stay afloat so that i can move on. and i thought that was a great analogy because that is exactly what i have been doing. i mean now its to the point where i have less than 4 months left and i feel less and less motivation to even bother with school. i mean, who really needs to do well in AP Euro? no one cares anymore! i do well in spanish because it takes minimal effort. ask more than minimal effort from me and i will ask "what is the point??" we have a huge research project in college writing.... its so dumb. why didnt i drop that class? i dont need it, i dont have to take freshman english at University of Idaho because of my SAT scores... so it doesnt matter if i have these credits or not. too bad i still havent even registered for this term. gosh allison is smart to have gotten out. almost done almost done. just wastin time until i'm out!!