april, 2002

monday, april 1st, 2002. 11:51pm
yeah who knows. maybe i make my life too difficult. do you ever notice that some people just seem to BRING things upon themselves... so they can never be happy? maybe i'm one of those people. because honestly i feel like life hates me! i think i'm just going to have to chill out a bit.

i was thinking... i mean i know i'm not supposed to care what other people think.... but when i find out what they say about me..... sometimes it really hurts. to think that people that know me well, as well as people who barely know me, can go and make judgements on my actions is just weird. i mean WHY DO THEY CARE?? they don't know what my motives are for my actions, they don't know how i feel about what i do... they don't know really anything except what they perceive. it makes me angry to think that my character is attacked because of their willingness to judge me.

wednesday, april 3rd, 2002. 11:59pm
i'm tired of thinking that i need to feel guilty for the way that i feel, and what i want to be treated like. since when did i become such a pushover??

i'm trying to find the lyrics to "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional and i can't find them and it's driving me nuts!

yesterday my whole sunburn turned dark brown, then peeled completely off. now i am pink and my skin feels real again! yay! i lost my tan though, which saddens me... i was so brown! but i'm sure it wasnt healthy.

i am debating whether or not i like the new diet pepsi cans.... i'm not sure yet. although, it is "the same great taste!" so it shouldnt really matter.

i wish i could find something to say but i can't. actually i think i have SO MUCH to say, that i don't quite know where to begin. that scares me. i feel like my brain is a jungle and instead of exploring it i am trying to "go around." why do i keep avoiding myself? probably because every time i look inside, i cry. i hate the miserable way crying makes me feel. who wants to be sad?!

thursday, april 4th, 2002. 8:58pm
it's been really hot around here lately. it's really cool. i have to roll down the windows!! that means it's almost summer. the weather has made my bad mood only half as bad, so i have decided that God needs to make the weather good every day, to save the world from my reign of terror!

i put a snowboard helmet on hold today at Exit. it's frustrating cause i want to buy one NOW, but most places don't have any to sell me. Exit is way too expensive too. i guess the helmet i want isnt that expensive, but i'd like a bigger selection i suppose. i think i will go buy it tomorrow... just gotta look one more time. i'm excited though... cause now there will be no excuses. i HAVE to go all out. i've been putting it off for way too long. i'm such a scaredy-cat!! not anymore. you have to break bones to improve. right? yikes thats scaring me again. i'm going to shut up.

GEEZ. i hate CSI. its such a morbid show. scary and morbid and gross. i like shows i don't need to get involved in. like friends. or the simpsons (which i JUST started liking). or elimidate. now there's quality television. anyway, i'm out. my sisters mad at me again.

friday, april 5th, 2002. 3:37pm
i bought the stupid helmet. it's fine and all, not exactly what i wanted but fine. but my goggles don't fit now. they're too wide or something i think. anyway, i'm super frustrated. it's making me really annoyed. the colors clash, anyway, but i wouldnt care about that if they would just work!! i don't know, i know i'm overreacting, but i just feel like NOTHING wants to work for me!!

5:08pm
DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL
"The Sharp Hint Of New Tears"

On the way home,
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
This weather.
The wind outside is biting.
It has left me feeling tired & exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions
come too easy to you now.
Your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be suprised.
I should have seen it sooner.

You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere.

This damp air
is fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious
& fog this tinted glass.
It's clouded
& so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to hold them back.
It's useless.
I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.

On the way home
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.

11:59pm
how amazingly weird is it that when i get really upset, i hold it all in until i drive somewhere. that's when i get in my car, turn off the radio, and cry and think and talk my way through my feelings. sometimes i feel better, usually i don't. but it IS nice to know exactly what i am thinking. that's why i like that song so much. it just kind of describes those car rides. i downloaded a whole cd of their songs... they're really good... but all the songs kind of seem the same. but that's definitely going to be my "depressed days" cd. the songs are really emotional. ha. like me. i think the singer and i have a lot in common. we're both emotional messes.

tonight i hung out w/ emma which was completely random but totally awesome. i don't see her very often, but what's really cool is that she's just as in love with her boyfriend as i am with chris. it's great to have someone who can actually understand what it's like to be in love as a teenager... because most people assume that teenagers don't really know what love is yet. it's nice to talk to someone whose relationship is not necessarily identical, but similar, who knows what it's like to plan a future around being in love, to face people who don't understand why you'd want to spend so much time with one person, to deal with people who judge based on nothing but their own inexperience. i'm really glad i got out of the house for the first time in quite a while. emma is a good influence i think. it's too bad her parents don't see what a good person she is. because i wish i was as good of a person as she.

saturday, april 6th 2002. 4:58pm
today i was talking to this girl. and she said she'd never been to a dance, and when we asked why... she said "Baptists don't dance. Dancing is frivolous and i don't need it." that was pretty weird. i mean, not that i'm knocking her beliefs at all. it's just that... what's so bad about having fun? the frivoulous things are sometimes what keeps life a little less dreary, you know? i mean, i know there's no purpose in dancing, but it's realloy fun. i mean, i totally see the point of not being wasteful and stuff, but DANCING is good for the soul. you can't be healthy if you don't have a little fun. i can't really stop thinking about that concept. it's weird.

11:05pm
i went to church tonight, that was my first time going saturday night, but it was fine. i saw chris' mom, brother, sister and brother in law, too.... that was nice i haven't seen them in so long and i just love that whole family. honestly though, i just have been out of it tonight. like really, i didn't know exactly what was upsetting me, but i sat there in church on the verge of tears almost the whole service! how weird is that! i'm afraid i am an antisocial wreck. i want someone to slap me and wake me up. but not really, i don't like to be slapped.

monday, april 8th, 2002. 10:53pm
today i saw a live version of Jerry Springer unfold RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES at work. it was hilarious. a guy and girl are buying food and suddenly some random girl w/ a phone comes up and starts telling the guy she called his girlfriend and the cops... and how could he spend money to buy this "ho" food when he couldnt even support his son. and he began insisting that he and the girl weren't together and she's going off about what an "F*ing ho" the poor girl is and how she can't believe he can afford that food and not his son. apparently she was pregnant w/ his baby, and had a restraining order on him and had called the cops because he was in the mall... but she approached him. it was SO FUNNY. then he just like LEFT, with her on his heels, and the poor girl he had been with just standing there with two pretzels, two sauces, and two drinks. she's like "i've only met him twice... he was buying pretzels to be nice...." i felt so sorry for her!! think how embarrassing that would be.... to have met a guy... hanging out w/ him for the second time.... when suddenly a psycho woman pregnant w/ his baby begins ranting and raving in the middle of a mall about babies and girlfriends and restraining orders and calling the cops and referring to you as a "ho" while the she and the guy cuss back and forth at each other excessively and loudly!???!!!! that would be terrible. later the lady came up and started yelling at the girl while she was waiting for the guy to return (he never did), and she GRABBED the bag of food out of the girl's hand, saying he owed her money anyway. i felt so bad for her! my boss gave her a new pretzel. i never really thought that REAL people had lives like that. wow. it was hilarious. i feel bad for all of them in their own little ways though. it occurs to me that promiscuous sex kind of ruins everything. i guess people just don't understand what being responsible is. haha maybe i shouldn't talk.... but i don't know. i mean even if people don't agree with me that sex shouldn't happen outside of marriage.... i mean shouldn't a SUPER committed relationship be involved AT LEAST? it just seems like a lot of possible physical and emotional trauma to put yourself through. i mean is that risk worth it?

well wow talk about a tangent. anyway, theres 34 days left till chris gets back. not that i'm counting. at church on saturday night, chris' mom said something about him getting back in about a month and i blurted out "a month and seven days!!" she looked at me really funny. i couldn't help it. i have been counting! i can barely think of anything else. no matter how frustrated i get, i love him so much. no one and nothing can compare to him because we are perfect for eachother... it's just RIGHT with us. that's the coolest thing ever to be able to say. i have to say i'd kill for an email from him, even if it made me cry. only 5 weeks left. i hope i can hold my own till then. i have been a little emotional lately. a lot of times i'll be sitting in class, and just think about how much i miss chris... how confused i am about my future, how frustrated i am with the present, and it will become too much and i'll practically break out bawling in the middle of class. ok so thats exagerrating a smidge, but honestly i have to hold back. do you ever feel like just hugging someone, ANYONE, and just crying your heart out? that's how i feel. hopefully i will get to do that when chris gets back. because i need him to know how i feel. i really want him to always be there. i can't lose that guy, he's perfect for me.

tuesday, april 9th, 2002. 5:25pm
how did it get to be 5 already? this whole daylight savings time thing is throwing me off. voting time is coming around. today we saw these two ladies running around the Big Town parking lot, chasing and harrassing people to sign some petition the second their car door opened. ah to be too young to vote! i wonder if i will register to vote next year. none of my friends do.... and i kind of feel like they are contributing to what people think about teenagers, that they are irresponsible and uncaring. but at the same time, i feel like i really would rather not get involved in politics, because for the most part i don't support them. i dunno. i still have three months to decide that stuff anyway. if i really do go to mexico this summer i will turn 18 while i'm there. that's cool, but sad... because i always thought i would spend that day with my friends, getting pierced. haha oh well it will have to wait. i'm so jealous of everyone who can get pierced and see R rated movies and go to clubs. i just want to know i can. only SALEM would pass a law that you have to be 18 instead of 17 to see an R rated movie. i mean, do they just want to extend my feeling like a child a little bit longer? i just hate meeting people... because almost always they are older than me... and when they ask how old i am i feel like i'm telling them i'm 12.

10:32pm
wow. stuff sucks. i don't know what to say. just when i thought things might be looking up. they're not. oh well. there's nothing i can do.

wednesday, april 10th, 2002. 10:43pm
i have never felt uglier in all my life than i do right now. i'm not really sure why. maybe not so much ugly, as completely invisible. like i know people see the physical me, but i don't thiink they see anything else. and i guess i never have liked how i look, so i hold on to the hope that people will like my personality enough that how i look won't matter. but they don't see what's inside. i'm just there. seriously. i can't really blame people for being self absorbed though, because i can't claim innocence from that. doesn't that sound like a line from a song? hmm.

today i got physically ill from the stress the events of last night caused me. i don't think i am stable enough to deal with such things. i don't want to argue with chris. i just want him to understand me like he used to. i am afraid he's growing away from me. that scares me because i don't know what i would do without him. i don't think i could ever love anyone else as much as i love him.

thursday, april 11th. 2002. 5:36pm
thank goodness tomorrow is friday! i have been thinking it is friday since monday. THAT is the worst thing ever. nothing like sitting in class on monday, planning your weekend... when suddenly you realize there's FOUR MORE days left. i think i am the only person that makes that kind of mistake.

i almost got in a severe car accident today. stupid dodge durango driver on market street practically slammed into my door. i was so scared i couldnt breathe. thank goodness there weren't any bikers in the bike lane, cause i would have plowed them over with the swerving i had to do. anyway, i'm still alive thank goodness!!

friday, april 12th, 2002. 4:21pm
I GOT FLOWERS IN SCHOOL TODAY!!! i love chris so much!!! i'm sitting in history, preparing my hand for the cramps that are inevitable after being given 4 pages of notes... when Mrs. Brantley sets a little envelope on my desk. "Yay, mail!" i think!! "Whoa, did you get flowers?" my friends ask. "i dont know... my mom always does this kind of stuff," i answer. But as i open it... the card has a big heart on the front... and the note inside says "Nicole-- Happy 6 Month Anniversary! --Chris." AAAAHHH!!!! i start squealing and i get all excited and show all my friends... how exciting!! someone says "you should go get them now!" i don't think that's possible, but i ask Mrs. Brantley anyway. she says to wait till after the notes. She asks what they're for and who they're from, and i get to say sheepishly to the whole class that they're from my boyfriend for our six month anniversary. "AAAWWW!" FOUR PAGES OF AGONIZING NOTES LATER.... my hand is cramping and there are four minutes left of class. i sprint to the office. I show my note to the secretary, and she looks around and points to mine. "Happy Birthday," she says... i don't even hear her *....birthday?....* 3 balloons, one Mylar one that says "You're Special!", anchored down by a little teddy bear holding a rose!!! it is so cute i want to cry!! kind of embarassing to try to wrestle three balloons through the hall, but i bring them back to class to show my friends. most of the class is gone, but they're still waiting to see. we all oooh and ah and gather our things to go. i'm sad that this is the day julia and courtney get out of school early, i wish they could share in my excitement after class at our locker. oh well. i go to my car in the windy weather with my balloons, talk to andrea who makes fun of me for how giddy i had gotten in class. oh well, i think, i have an awesome boyfriend. make small talk about where we parked and why.... Lindsey Masten asks if it's my birthday.... like she cares. and i dorkily squeak out its my six month anniversary. I get in the car with my treasure! i finally feel special!!!

saturday, april 13th, 2002. 11:44pm. 1 month left.
today at work i practically told a lady my whole life story. it was kind of embarassing. she was writing someething in her checkbook and said "today's the 14th, right?" and i was like... "no, it's the 13th.... one month until my boyfriend comes home!" and that prompted a conversatiion along the lines of "where is he.... is he on a mission.... oh you went and saw him.... well good luck with that!....." and afterwards i thought to myself "oh my gosh i can't believe i just did that. i'm sure she really wanted to hear all that. how embarrassing." oh well. the truth of the matter is, i'll never see that lady again. she was w/ her significant other and was wearing an engagement ring.... so maybe she understands where i'm coming from..... the whole being in love thing. oooh man that reminds me.... julia and i watched the TLC show "A Wedding Story" a couple times the other day. GOSH it is so hard to not cry at those!!! i want to get married! ok , not tomorrow, but how exciting. Julia wants to get married for the wedding.... i want to get married for being married and doing married-people things like grocery shopping. haha. i'm going to scare my mom. oh well. i think it's probably normal..... cause i think most girls start planning their weddings from like age 6. so yeah. anyway goodnight i'm tired, to the mountain tomorrow!!!

sunday, april 14th, 2002. 10:34pm
gosh, weather sucks. i was SOOOO excited for today, you don't even know. Ryan was going to help me get something accomplished on the halfpipe. when i picked him up in sandy, he told me that there was a storm last night, and he thought it had probably rained at the mountain. "NO!" i said, "it will be nice weather," i said, "we have to be optimistic," i said. the parking lot was seriously like an ice skating rink. also, the wind was so heavy that when i stepped out of the car in my flipflops, i was suddenly pushed to the back of the car with a combination of sliding and being windblown. but still.... maybe the snow was good. so we got all ready and set to go and went up to the mountain. as we rode the lift, we looked down and we knew it was no good. it looked like the mountain was a huge sheet of ice, with soft spots occasionally. "hey we should have brought our ice skates!!!" not funny ryan. but oh well, right? we're going the the halfpipe anyway, so the snow conditions don't matter.... right?? WRONG AGAIN. the pipe was closed. shit. so we went over to the red chair to see if the Zoo was open. that's like the park that's a little easier. oh it was open but only some crazy-on-crack person would try to hit THOSE ice covered jumps. we went back to the lodge for cocoa. i thought my ears were going to fall off from the wind. i'm so dumb, i thought.... hmmm, maybe the snow will get better, maybe they will open the pipe. after about an hour of perdiendo tiempo in the lodge we went back out to check on the halfpipe. it was closed still, but we "scouted it out" anyway. it hadn't been cut out for the day, so there was powder from the storm, combined with the sheets of ice from the storm. it was deadly. i was so upset. we went to the car, i was going to get my lunch. but then i said "you wanna just leave?" and ryan agreed, so we just left. i have never LEFT the mountain at 11:00 before. i was so upset! what a waste! i mean, i guess i had an ok day anyway... we had a bit of an adventure... and i forgot how much i always laugh with ryan. i haven't laughed in awhile, so that was really good for me. and i got another 7-layer nachos for 99 cents at taco bell. i have noticed in Sandy that they put more onions on my nachos. that's kind of weird. but yeah, i mean, the day wasn't a complete bust, i didnt have to work and i didnt sit around all day, right? well i take that back i went to work for 2 hours tonight but that doesnt count. anyway, yeah it was a good day.

also, today is officially chris' and my 6 month anniversary! can you believe that??? wow that's so long for me, but i'm so happy!!!!!

monday, april 15th, 2002. 11:01pm
nothing really out of the ordinary happened today. i wish i had a story to tell. i got 100% on my history test! THAT's out of the ordinary. i usually get somewhere in the 79-88% range... so that perfect score was pretty exciting. the great part of it is that i have finally figured out how to do well on those tests without studying. i mean, i never study for them anyway.... but i used to get horrible scores on them.... but now i'm figuring out a strategy. see, she always goes over the stuff in class the day of the test.... she answers every single question anyone could have. and if i actually LISTEN to that, instead of trying intensely to memorize all my notes, i actually retain some of that information. and that combined with a 2 minute glance at those notes, usually makes me remember most of the stuff i need to know! uh oh. i have revealed my secret! i suppose it's ok though.... everyone should have a fair shot at the dreaded AP European History tests for heavens sake. wow i'm such a nerd. i can't believe i spent that many words on a history test.

thursday, april 18th, 2002. 11:53pm
wow i had a full day. the most exciting part was getting my little stink tickets! that's going to be such an awesome show! last year i went when it was Sum 41, Killing Heidi, Good Charlotte, Fenix TX and MxPx. this year its Simple Plan, Mest, Good Charlotte, Unwritten Law and Adema! this year's line up is different, but it still should be sooo awesome. just the whole combination of great music, great weather, and lots of people and lots of sweat last year.... made it the best show i've ever been to! and this year i get to go with my best friends, some of my really good friends, and hopefully with Chris! who could ask for more!!!???

Julia and i talked a lot about college next year. i really hate to discuss it because, frankly i am afraid of next year. i'm afraid of what will and will not happen next year. that means i dont want to think about it.... even though i'm really excited about going to college!!! aaaaaaaahhhhhH!!!

friday, april 19th, 2002. 5:37pm
i usually dream the most in the mornings, like when i sleep in. this morning i dreamed about mexico. i suppose that's because i found out for sure that this summer i will be going back for 2 months! but yeah in my dream, all of Hogar was in my backyard. how weird is that? also in my dream i was very lonely. i never feel lonely there, but it makes me wonder if it will be difficult to live there for two months. i'm sure it will be. last year, after two weeks i was DYING to hear some english.... and i couldnt even try to speak spanish, my brain was so fried. i think i'll have to make sure that i get a good sleep routine down. hopefully that will keep my brain from frying. wow i'm really nervous. that's like 2 months away. i have to admit, it's going to be the most awesome experience of my life thus far. haha but hopefully it all won't be in my backyard.... i think julia's kind of mad at me for going... well maybe not mad at me, but just upset that she can't go... and taking it out by clamming up and getting really touchy if i talk about it. i feel really bad.... but there's nothing i can do. it's hard.

saturday, april 20th, 2002. 9:53pm
happy birthday ryan! ooh man am i glad my birthday isn't on 4/20. haha.

I got up sooo early this morning. i went to buy my friends Little Stink tickets before work. i anticipated a wait, so i went when they went on sale at 10:00 this morning. actually i got there 15 minutes early. i was one of the first people in line, but by the time they opened the doors it was pretty long. anyway, but 10:02 i was back in the car, and i still had two hours until it was time for work! i went to the CBYSC soccer fields to trade cars w/ my sister, cause my dad had wanted me to. that didnt take very long. i got to work at 10:28. dropped off my stuff in the back room, and i had an hour and a half to kill. IN LANCASTER MALL. yeah that was boring, i got a soda, walked around, sat at a table for a half hour, got back up, looked in the pet store, looked in a couple stores..... i started feeling naseous so i knew i needed something to eat. i got a jawbreaker, that made me feel better. by then it was ALMOST time for work so i went back and changed, did my hair, called my dad.... THEN it was finally time to work. and i had to spend four more hours at the mall. with food. some older gentlemen told me his whole life story in about five minutes flat. man he spoke quickly. what am i supposed to say when he tells me that his wife had a stroke and she can't talk or eat now.... that she couldnt even eat her birthday cake last week? it's so awkward.... but i know it probably just makes his day to have someone to talk to.

i watched this awesome show on PBS today. it was "Globetrekker" or something like that. this lady just traveled around China and Southeast Asia, randomly taking busses, trains, cabs, motorcycles, bicycle taxis, horsedrawn carts, etc. it was so awesome. she stayed in so many tiny little towns, in small hotels or peoples homes.... in one place she slept above a chicken coop!! She got to encounter so many amazing cultures!! it amazes me how many genuinely primitive and culturally rich tribes there are in other countries. why don't we have those?? America is poison. seriously. it eliminates cultures, tells everyone to be like us... commericialized, industrialized.... CAPITALIST. the world is becoming Americanized and cultures are disappearing. this drives me insane! whatever happened to diversity??

sunday, april 21st, 2002. 5:25pm
how funny that i almost always instictively write 2001 for the year. you'd think by NOW i would have it down. ha i'll probably get it straight by like december. then this whole vicious cycle will start all over.

today's funny. mostly all i've done actually is go discuss Hogar with a group of people from Portland that are going on a mission trip there this summer. it's so hard because no matter how much i telll them, i know nothing will prepare them for what they will experience there. i know this because i attended so many of the same meetings and i still had no idea of what it would be like to experience that kind of love in such a life-changing way. actually, by the time i left for Hogar the first year, I was in tears from all the stress and nervousness it caused me. did i really want to go live in such a primitive place so far away from home for a week?? why?? i grew so much from that experience, and honestly it has changed my life so drastically that it is going in a whole new direction now. it's just so hard to convey all of this to people through just words and pictures!!!

monday, april 22nd 2002. 6:16pm
yesterday i went to muchas gracias with kelsey and julia. that was the first time i've been there since chris left. well, the one on Capitol at least. it was weird, cause everything about those times... we went there a lot when we started dating.... came rushing back and i just got all sad but at the same time excited that he'll be home in 3 weeks. i just want to run around and do everything with him! AAH! 21 days. not that i'm counting. i swear!

today i saw another homeless guy on the freeway off ramp with a sign. i always just feel terrible trying not to make eye contact with them. i just don't understand that some people have to exist like that while i get to live how i am. i wish i always had a bag of cookies to give them like i did that one time. i know it would make my day to get mrs. fields' cookies after spending a day on the off ramp.

tuesday, april 23rd, 2002. 11:30pm
i'm a little worried about myself. i get naseous a lot, but if i eat like a piece of candy or something i feel a lot better. but that feeling of queasiness is so intense.... it just feels awful. it takes over my body. i suppose i should go to the doctor just to check and make sure nothing is really wrong w/ me. but i just don't want to. at least i know i used up the deductible with that stupid X-ray. the doctor didnt TELL me the insurance doesnt cover X-rays at the Radiology Clinic. i just went where they sent me. it's kind of annoying that i'm seventeen and really i still need my mom with me. she would have known to ask if we could go to the hospital instead. it's kind of scary to finally realize the EXPENSES involved in medical attention. i think i used to think that since we had insurance, we didnt have to pay to see the doctor. silly me. everything costs money!

i started packing for college today. i mean, i'm not packing EVERYTHING... just getting a start since i have to be packed before i leave for mexico. but how weird is that???? me packing for college??? who would've thought that i'd eventually leave. i swear this has been the longest 17 years. i'm so excited for my future!!

LATE AT NIGHT:
i feel like i�m on this rollercoaster. completely happy until i realize how miserable i am. how inadequate i am. i�m not good enough for anyone, i don�t know why they keep me around. i�m not pretty enough, i�m not nice enough, i�m not christian enough, i�m not social enough. not dedicated enough, not supportive enough, not honest enough, not happy enough. i can only be what i am. and it�s so hard because i know that i really want to be myself, but at the same time i want to be what everyone wants me to be. and sometimes i just wish someone would do something selfless FOR ME. i guess that in itself is selfish. but sometimes i want to just feel important. and i really don�t anymore. no matter what, i just feel like it�s ok for everyone to put me on the back burner because i will always be around later. what if i get tired of that role!!?? i dont know. i just feel miserable right now. even though i find hints of happiness, i always get those flashes that bring me right back to this dreaded miserable feeling in my stomach. it�s totally like i need to really deal with all those miserable emotions inside so i can not feel guilty about the times i feel happy. i suppose none of that makes any sense. but in my own little world, i understand it. i just hope that i can eventually find someone ELSE who can understand all of this, and who can make me feel important someday.

friday, april 26th, 2002. 8:23pm
i am watching a rousing episode of "When Animals Invade Your Home." my favorite so far was the diseased monkey on the loose in a neighborhood. it was actually kinda scary. i'm excited to see the bats though. i dunno, this show isn't quite as good as Crocodile Hunter, but i havent seen that in quite awhile. OOOH man, there was just a gigantic opossum in this lady's cabinet in her garage! THAT would suck. it was all teeth! anyway.... hmmm. i took today off to go snowboarding, but couldnt find a buddy so that was a bust. i went to the beach w/ my sister instead. i bought a swimsuit for $12.99. great deal! of course then i went and spent WAY too much on a great pair of flipflops. flipflops are my weakness! i can't help it!! damn the phone's ringing. pleeeeeaaaaase don't be for me. oh good i think it was my sister's boyfriend. why am i so antisocial? agh. i want to go down to the Riverfront. i suppose it's a little cold for that. i should have gone yesterday. anyway, i dont know, i dont have anything real insightful to say today. i have to work tomorrow. damn. five hour shifts suck. i know its not that long, but it is for me.

tuesday, april 30th, 2002. 10:58pm
i feel miserable. i don't know if i'm just PMSing.... or if something's actually wrong with me. i just feel irritable, mopey, and emotional. i just want to cry all the time. it's really weird. first, on sunday, i decided that i suck at snowboarding.... i'm never going to get any better than i am right now. i try so hard but at the same time i don't try hard enough. and i can't do crap. i learned grabs, but i still don't go high enough or far enough for it to matter. i can't believe i have been snowboarding for 5 years and i can barely jump, can't do tricks, and can't ride switch. did something just pass me by??? snowboardings the only thing i really find joy in.... and it's the only thing i've ever been kind of good at. but i'm at the point where i don't feel good anymore. i hate it. and then yesterday i was sore and grumpy and tired and i just had some sort of breakdown.... and my stomach, chest and throat just ACHED and BURNED with pain when i moved.... after spending a few hours crying on the couch and watching a TV movied, i went to brush my retainer before bed so i could put it in, i discovered that the cleaning people threw it away with the paper cup it was in! so at midnight my parents and i dug through the trash can outside (ok i stood theree bawling and my parents dug through the trash)..... it was SO GROSS and it smelled. luckily no one in our house is on their period right now!!! that would be even more disgusting! so finally my dad pulls out my wonderful clear retainer, and i start crying even harder cause I DONT WANT TO PUT THAT THING IN MY MOUTH!!!! but they made me take it upstairs and i washed it with SCALDING hot water and antibacterial hand soap for like 20 minutes.... then my dad got out the Costco bottle of Listerene out and i poured that over my retainer for another 5 minutes. it was so exhausting! and today hasn't gone much better. i'm still grumpy, still emotional, still highly sensitive. i make myself tired just thinking about it all. why can't things go my way??? or are they and i'm just not noticing??

April 2002