| sunday, february 9th. 2003. 8:10pm this last week was something else. i wouldn't mind if it never happens again. i think like the 4 month mark in a relationship is the most fragile time. i've finally realized that his friends and his lack of the ability to say no to them causes most, if not all, of the tension in our relationship. he can't say "oh i'll hang out with you guys later, i'm hanging out with nicole right now" and he can't say "get out of my house" even if he wants to. i think it's probably a cultural thing that i just don't understand, but it's driving me insane. i can't change it, that's who he is.... but i don't think i'll be able to accept it, either. so i tell him that if it happens that his friends come along when i'm with him, i will be the one to leave because i'm miserable with them. but that's not what he wants either. but that's going to have to be what happens. he can't have everything he wants, and neither can i. oooooh the joy of compromise. the thing is that i know if we get past this, we'll be that much stronger. it's just that every time i think we have gotten past it, it starts again. on a happy note, jon has a girlfriend! woohoo! unfortunately this doesn't make humberto any less suspicious of him, because apparently jon is going to steal me.... but still whoohoo! i approve of her too, and now jon owes me lunch! yay! ok goodnight. |
 |
| monday, february 10th, 2003. 4:50pm i'm starting to get the cold that humberto and cecilia already have. it must be guaranteed that if your roomate AND your boyfriend have a cold you will get it too. so even though i went to bed early, i didn't sleep well at all. my classes were relatively un-stressful today, however. i love mondays and fridays. the next three days will suck ass. but oh well. then friday will come. valentine's day! too bad my boyfriend doesn't think it's a big deal. i WILL make him care about the things i care about! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! |
|
| wednesday, february 12th, 2003. 7:59pm i'm trying so hard to be happy and i don't think it's working very well. i don't really know what to say. there's nothing that hasn't been said. today's not a good day. maybe tomorrow then. |
|
| saturday, february 15th, 2002. 2:31pm well. last night didn't go that badly. he appeased me. took me out to dinner, we rented a movie. i dunno i know he was only doing it though because i wanted him to. but i don't know what else i expect. So it when well. It was a good night, I just wish he understood that I'm not trying to make him choose between me or his friends. I just want to leave if they come. Is that so horrible? I don't know. When he says with that horribly sad face, "You're right, I can't have everything I want," it just makes me feel awful for making him unhappy. Really, all I want in the world is to make him happy. But the fact that I'm unhappy if i stay means nothing? Ooooh what a mess. I really think that if we both compromise we can make this work. But it feels so.... one-sided at the moment. 8:03pm Artist : Jimmy Eat World Song : The Middle Album : Bleed American Hey, don't write yourself off yet, It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best, Try everything you can. And don't you worry what they tell themselves When you're away. It just takes some time Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine, Everything, everything will be alright, alright. Hey, you know they're all the same. Ya know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in. Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough For someone else. It just takes some time Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine, Everything, everything will be alright, alright. It just takes some time Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine, Everything, everything will be alright, alright. Hey, don't write yourself off yet, It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just do your best, Do everything you can. And don't you worry what their bitter hearts, Are gonna say. It just takes some time, Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine, Everything, everything will be alright,alright. It just takes some time, Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alright. |
|
| wednesday, february 19th, 2003. 2:40pm today i am numb. i guess that's better than sad, right? it's just that i'm tired of feeling. so i just stopped. now i'm neutral. actually i think it feels better because i've stopped dwelling on the things that were exhausting me, and i can move forward and get things done. last week i discovered the world of caffeine pills. i've only used them twice, but i took one today and wow it helps so much. that's so bad. i don't know why i always feel tired. i got 11 hours of sleep last night, that's perfect. anyway, the one problem is that my hands were shaking so much through geography lab i couldn't draw a straight line on my paper. i don't think that it can be that healthy for you, so i don't think i will take them often. only when i really need it. i REALLY needed it today in Spanish. who would've thought we'd still be covering the preterite tense in Spanish 308? it makes me so bored. I walked all the way back to my room this afternoon behind this guy that had one shoe untied. there was one lace that was SO LONG and the whole way back i kept waiting for him to step on it with the other foot and fall flat on his face. it made me so nervous, i wanted to tell him to tie his shoe. i really thought he was in for it when he kind of skipped down the 5 or 6 stairs to get to my wing. and somehow he managed to stay standing until i finally lost him when i stopped at the 2nd floor and he kept going upstairs. maybe he fell before he got to his room? it's not that i WANTED him to fall, it just seems impossible that he could NOT fall during the whole walk from the commons to his room with that shoe untied and that seriously long lace flopping around the whole time. 9:54pm yay! i made friends! ok so they're not like best friends or whatever but i went to my core class' night session tonight and i was feeling kind of depressed and really sick. i noticed a that a girl that i always talk to in class was walking in the group of three girls ahead of me. i admit that i always avoid people whose friendships i am unsure of. it's a really bad way to try to make friends. but anyway on the stairs in the commons the girl finally spotted me and said "Hey!" i was so relieved. i walked the rest of the way there with them, sat with them in class, and walked back with them. they were all really nice and like i just felt really at home with them. finally american friends! ok, so they're all hispanic and sometimes randomly speak spanish but it's a big difference from hanging out with international students who aren't part of the American culture. I'm so excited. i just have to start TRYING to be social instead of just being shy. and maybe i'll make friends before you know it. |
|
| thursday, february 20th, 2003. 11:13pm well mom, today was a good day. are you happy? english was cancelled, i got to eat lunch with friends (in the dorm cafeteria because the commons was full of little kids for the Lionel Hampton Jazz Festival), then i got to spend fight-free time with humberto, worked out, ate dinner (felt a little sick after dinner for awhile), did a little homework and watched humberto and his friends play soccer in the rec center for awhile. i guess it wasnt really like anything GOOD happened, just nothing bad happened and i wasnt feeling overly emotional for a change. haha i know that everything will be different tomorrow, but i am going to enjoy today until it's gone. |
|
| saturday, february 22nd, 2003. 8:19pm well. we had a field trip today to Coeur d'Alene. it was fine. just kind of a long way to go to meet latino people. there are more latino people in moscow than up there. but anyway, i'm back now. my roomate's having a party tonight at her friends' apartment to celebrate her birthday. i think lots of people will be there. it should be fun i'm just really tired. the fighting still hasn't stopped. except it's not really fighting anymore. it's just hopelessness at our differences. i feel like it's all my fault, even though it isn't. i don't just invent these problems out of thin air. it takes two to tango. i hate it when i make him upset though. |
|
| monday, february 24th, 2003. 10:49am the party was fun. everyone was there. i was so tired it was hard to keep my energy up. and a cigarette flavored kiss put a damper on the evening. but i think it was good that i went to that party. i need to work on being more social and i got a chance to do that. i have to make an effort if i want friends. i'm just too shy! no one ever believes i'm shy but i am. I also think my problem is that i am always wondering why anyone would want to know me. that's SUCH a self-esteem issue that i should definitely work on. |
|
| tuesday, february 25th, 2003. 8:31pm. I push open the large door of the rec center and step into the unbearably cold night air. I pull the hood of my sweatshirt up over my ponytail; it only covers half of my head. I didn't ask. That's because I already know the answer. It's true. I should know better. The night after a soccer game is Drink and Fuck Around at Randy's House night. That's why I didn't ask. Frustration overcomes me and the sharp twinge of oncoming tears freezes in my nose, mixing with the cold air and almost causing me to sneeze instead of cry. I hate Idaho. In my room I take off my clothes, slip into the hot shower that never runs cold. There I can cry; it's the only place in my crowded life where it is safe to cry. After a great length of time I finally turn off the water. "Nico-ole," Lisa calls in her funny New Zealand accent from the other room. "How do you spell Mardi gras?" "M-A-R-D-I space, G-R-A-S. It's French," I call back as I wring out my hair and grab my towel. I feel better. Resolved to drinking a Diet Pepsi and finishing my homework and forgetting about the stuff that I can't do anything about. |
|
| thursday, february 27th, 2003. 10:47pm well. tomorrow's the big day. my week-long trip to Lake Tahoe for Snowboard Nationals. it sounds pretty pretigious, doesn't it. i wish i could say it was with a straight face. there's such a lack of snowboard teams that anyone who can put together enough people to go can qualify. we've only competed once this year. we'll compete at Steven's Pass in washington on saturday before heading downt to tahoe. on saturday we're competing in halfpipe. Not one of us girls knows how to do halfpipe. ryan desperately tried to teach me for like two years but i still can't do anything besides go up and down the sides. no air, no tricks, nothing. this will be an interesting experience. i have to compete in halfpipe at nationals too. yikes. anyway, part of me is really nervous to miss a whole week of school and to spend 10 days with people that aren't exactly "my type" so to speak. but the other part of me is literally about to fall apart. i think it will be really beneficial to run away for awhile. this week i have gone into a state of submission, letting everything take me over, not standing up for myself anymore, not making an effort to be social or anything. i hope getting away makes me happy again. snowboarding is my favorite thing in the world, hopefull 5 or 6 days of snowboarding in a beautiful place will make me remember who i am and what i want. |
|
| February 2003 |