January 2002.... the beginning of the end

thursday, january 3rd, 2002. 11:17pm
I did something awful yesterday. there was a girl walking through the commons who slipped and fell, and appeared to have hurt her knee. i watched, and looked at her... and walked by... saying "did you see that??" to my friends. by the time i thought "NICOLE what are you doing??? she needs someone to help her!!" i turned around to see three snob mob girls asking if she was alright. i knew that their fake kindness was probably enough for her at the moment, and that she would be alright with them... but i just couldnt help but feel awful about the whole ordeal. does that just make me some kind of typical high school bitch?? NNNNOOOOO i cant be typical!!!! PLEASE!!

Yesterday i got an email from chris. he is coming back like 2 weeks sooner than i thought he was... which makes me happy especially since he will be here for prom. 4 and a half months sounds SOO much better than 5.... although it's all WWWAAAAYYYYYYY too much time! its weird.... like people ask, in a manner like they care, "oh is he gone now?" and as soon as i begin to say "yeah, i miss him so much--" they will be like oh well "lalalala" about something else and then i just feel dumb. like i never really noticed how many people DON'T care about my problems. i know a lot that do, too... but right now i feel kind of on my own, you know? i think it's human nature to be more concerned w/ the events of your life that those of others. i mean, i can tell you right now that is what i am doing. i am so forlorn and such.... so badly missing chris.... that i dont feel like hearing about other people's boyfriends and "oh he went away for a week and it was so horrible to be apart" ok i'm sorry is that insensitive of them or of me?? cause it's like "who cares? you get to see him in a week!!!" and it feels like they arent being sensitive to the fact that my boyfriend is gone for half a year. but probably i am just being insensitive to the fact that despite my problems, they still miss their boyfriends a lot even though its not that long.

lately i have felt thoroughly self absorbed. i believe it is the easy route in life and its not really the path i would like to choose. but gosh, sometimes i like only having one set of problems on my shoulders, one person(myself) to listen to... one person to give advice to. except other people actually follow my advice. hmm. so now i am living in self absorbed hypocrisy. ah the joys of forgetting to take my little oval friend.

saturday, january 5th, 2001. 10:22pm
you think i will ever get a job ever? i found out that i pretty much can go to chiapas for the summer today.... only thing is i must have a job by january 15th or my parents wont let me go. thats in 10 days. what am i going to do? die?? i have been trying sooo hard too. thats the frustrating part. and even some managers have sounded like they are ready to hire me. but what if they dont?? i'm so frustraed. i wish i could get a job where i would need to use spanish a lot. that would be so fun. i love spanish. Last night at the Y there were these guys that were speaking spanish and i wanted to go up and ask them if i could practice my spanish with them but i thought they might think i was weird. haha. why do i like spanish so much??? its like... it unlocks this whole other world. all these people in the world that speak that language... and if i learn it enough, the language will no longer be a barrier between me and them. hmm i dont know. we watched this video in photo the other day about National Geographic photographers. WHAT A COOL JOB!! they get to go all around the world and meet new cultures and take pictures of them. i love photography and i cant wait to someday learn about different cultures too! now THAT would be cool. Sometimes i worry about what will get in the way of my dreams. like what if i get married and my husband doesnt want to come with me?? or what if i have kids and have to get a reliable job?? or what if i settle for normalcy?? then what? agh, i'm only seventeen i shouldnt worry so much.

sunday, january 6th, 2001. 8:35pm
i am very sad to learn that some of my best friends my age at Hogar have been going through some rough times there, and no longer live there. its just sad to think that they seemed so happy, and now.... who knows. its frustrating to me that i can't write letters to them or anything. i want to know what is going on with them, i want to hear it first hand. oh well, maybe if i pray hard enough i will hear from them. or at least maybe if i pray hard enough their lives will still work out.

hmmm in other news.... anyone know of a job for me that i can get right away?? i really really need one!

i feel kind of pointless. everything is just not going well for me. i dont feel like being here anymore, i'm so excited for my future i cant enjoy my present. i miss chris a lot too. its just like.... gosh how an i going to make it through 5 months? maybe i will just run away to ensenada? probably not but i can dream about it right? i really want to go to hogar for the whole summer. it seems they have decided i can go.... but i still have to ask permission from the board of the directors... and they still have to decide what my job would BE there. plus i need to get a job here by the 15th or i cant go at all. thats so much pressure! so much to do! well, i guess i should keep on praying.... and anyone who wants to pray for me.... feel free!!!!!

saturday, january 12th, 2002. 10:29. 4 months left.
well yeah my sister informed me that the fortune cookie thing was hers from when she borrowed my khakis to go to Kwan's with mat's family. just kidding haha. the fates werent speaking to me after all. haha. i'm such a dork sometimes. i cant believe i am working today. how cool is that. i never thought i'd really get a job. so yeah how exciting! except i better start working out more, or i'll gain so much weight working there. the manager told me we eat for free. that's good but bad for me! haha they have white cherry icees. how amazing is that? have i told the white cherry icee story? i dont think so... if i have though i'll tell it again:

one night this summer my friends and i went in search of Icees. Circle K had crappy flavors so we went over to the AmPm on commercial over by walmart. as we walked in i saw that they had my all time favorite flavor: white cherry! so i exclaimed "White Cherry.... MY FAVORITE!!!!!!!!" as i began to sprint to the machine. just my luck there was a wrinkled up mat on the floor that i tripped over and was sent flying through the air. it was i think the most embarassing thing i have ever done and to this day my friends still wont let me forget it. "white cherry, my favorite!" is still my friends' favorite joke. but nonetheless, it is still my favorite and now i work at a place that serves it! wow!!

10:24pm
wow. they have way too much stuff at work. i dont think i'll ever learn how to do it all. oh my gosh. i'm so exhausted. eeeee. anyway. chris called me today!! oh it was so good to hear his voice. i miss him so much. i miss talking to him all the time. and gosh i miss a free backrub when i could really use it, like now. i miss just like cuddling when i watch tv. now i just sit there. and miss the days when i had someone to sit with. well he comes back 4 months from today! thats not that long.... right? PLEASE say yes.

saturday, january 19th, 2002. 10:37am
wow where have i been for the last week?? just busy and tired i suppose. i've been so sleep deprived and out of it... usually i write before i go to bed but i just couldnt make it to that this week. finals week is next week. that will be even worse i suppose. i dont know whats wrong with me. i've been so antisocial lately. i dont feel like doing anything but being home by myself doing whatever. its kind of annoying. i really need to get myself out of this. i dont quite know how though. agh. well i have to go to work in a little bit so adios for now.

6:57pm
i forgot how tired work makes me. its just so boring. i just want to poke myself in the eye. it seems i'm always tired enough to pass out, then you make me stay on my feet for six hours straight... how am i supposed to handle that??? i don't know. i dont feel useful i feel like i'm just helping america get obese by soaking their pretzels in butter and baking their cookies. the only good thing is the money i'm making. it helps me not stress about money as much which is good. now if only i could stumble upon 180 unearned dollars.... then i could see chris. ok well i'm tired. i'm gonna go.

11:24pm:
i have noticed this thing in me that i really dont like. i find myself wishing that guys would hit on me. it has nothing at all with being attracted to them, or wanting to actually talk to them. i am completely in love with chris and i would never want to DATE any of these guys. I finally figured out why this has been happening in my head. It's because i feel completely unattractive lately. All i do now is compare myself to the me that was two years ago.... the me who dressed nice and wore makeup and blowdried her hair. Things were so different. And i actually felt attractive every once in awhile. Now, i am for the first time not an athlete. sports are over for me. so the weight issue is a battle. i am experiencing my first acne.... this is the first time i've had to deal with any amount of zits past the monthly PMS zit or two. i look at pictures of myself two years ago, at the peak of my athleticism, weighing a miraculous 125 at 5' 7-1/2", with a cute haircut and eye makeup *always*, and little dresses and skirts that i wore to school regularly.... and then i look at pictures of me now and see my little round face and double chin, my makeup-less, tired eyes, my hooded sweatshirts and jeans ....and it's just too much for me. i like the way i am, i like the fact that i am genuine and i dont spend my life TRYING to impress people. i like showing exactly who i am and nothing else. i just wish that that person who i am was prettier, more attractive. i am definitely having a self confidence crisis. i want my appetite for good food to disappear. then at least i could weigh 125 again. maybe even 115 or 105......

wednesday, january 30th, 2002.
maybe i just shouldnt go to college, ok? i hate how every time i go to the counseling office with a clear plan, they always complicate things and frustrate me. the secretary is convinced i have an anger management problem. i always, ALWAYS leave there crying. it's uncontrollabe. can't she understand that i'll be pay 6,000 more bucks a year if i send in last semester's transcripts?? do i HAVE $24,000 more bucks???? NOOOO!!! in the prosperity of the year 1999, my parents thought putting our college money in a mutual fund was a fantastic idea. and yeah, i think it was... but everyone thought that america's prosperity would never end, but stocks cant just always go up and now we're in a recession right before i'm off to college and my college fund has shrunken. i dont want loans either. cause the thing about loans is you have to pay them back. and in order to pay back loans, you have to make money, and in order to make money you have to have a job where you make good money. i dont want to make good money. i want enough money to live on, not enough money to pay off loans for the rest of my life. i dont want to submit to the typical american standard. i refuse to be average when i grow up. i am going to make something unique out of myself. i have to.

i would also like to say that i hate snow. yes, it's pretty and fun to play in, but let's just keep it in the mountains, ok?? that way, i can be prepared to freeze my ass off and prepared for the driving conditions and i can be wearing the proper kind of footwear to tramp through it. i'm so tired of the snow. maybe i'm just bitter because there were TWELVE INCHES here, and we still didnt get a snow day. i feel gyped. oh well i guess i dont really need snow days now that i only have one class on A days. i dunno. what am i supposed to be doing for the next semester?/ i need to work more.

i got to talk to chris online yesterday, it just made my week. but it also made me miss him so much!!! its not like i ever stopped missing him, but i was starting to deal, starting to get into a routine. i suppose that was what i was afraid would happen. but its so hard to miss someone so much every second, you know? anyway, it was really nice to talk to him and stuff... he also sent me some pictures. ok these pictures of him with little hispanic children just strengthen the fact that he's my dream guy!! chris i love you!!!

sunday,january 20th 2002. 11:40pm
well. today was quite the adventure. where should we begin? today julia, courtney and i went up to meadows. we were going to teach court how to snowboard. for the most part we got up there (memorizing John Denver's "Leaving on a Jet Plane" much to courtney's dismay) with no major incidents... except the stupid parking people thinkin my Camry was a damn SUV and parking us in the middle of an aisle. but oh well. So we teach courtney the snowboarding basics, and it turns out she's like, PRO on her first day. she does turns without even thinking about it, and she can stay up down the whole bunny slope. so around lunch time, i tell the two of them to go down once more, so i can ride over to the spare parking lot where we had to park (get in some runs in the sick powder), and get our lunches out of the car. great plan, right? well not if nicole isnt paying attention to where she's going. so i went to the wrong place, but that was fixable and i figured what's ten minutes?? then i get to the car, open the door, start to get stuff and think "where are my keys????" oh they were no where in sight. i tried not to panic, but as the didnt show up i got more and more frazzled. eventually i was on my hands and knees, digging through the snow by the car with no gloves on, bawling and praying that God would show me where my keys were. something kept saying "look in your gloves, look in your gloves" but i was like "why the heck would they be there???" i finally picked up a glove and it jingled and there were my keys. by the time i got up to the main lodge to meet julia and courtney, they had been waiting an hour. so yeah, then we finished our day, i got in a few runs in the Zoo, the easy park, and i started landing jumps which was awesome. when we were done and had gathered our stuff, we went out to catch a shuttle to the other parking lot. there was a MOB. like literally tons of people waiting to get on... i guess the busses were stuck in traffic. we never thought we'd be standing there shivering for an hour before they came!!! when we finally did get on it was PACKED. every seat, every aisle, everything. julia and i ended up next to these people from WSU which is in Pullman, which is 8 miles from Moscow, Idaho, where i want to go to college. so it was really fun, and the guy was probably even more talkative than me, so it was really cool. it was exciting to hear about the place i'm probably going to end up next year. So yeah we at long last get to our parking lot.....but when we get off the bus, we cant find our car!!!! there are cars sporatically placed about the parking lot, all really just white lumps. we ran around trying to decide which lump belonged to us... and finally julia and court decided it was this one, way in a dark corner, which happened to be correct. we were freezing and excited to get a camera out and take a picture of the car... so i unlocked the door and pulled.... but nothing happened!! we all started scraping snow and tugging on the door, we were so desperate. then julia dropped the keys into the 2 and a half feet of snow at our feet. dun dun duuuuuunnnnnnnnnn. we flipped out, i once again threw off my gloves and started digging barehanded in the snow. the three of us couldnt find them, so i told julia to go ask someone for a flashlight. the guy w/ the closest car to us didnt have one, but julia got him to put his lights facing our car.... and he tried to help us look, but 4 people in one little spot isnt very practical. so he went back to putting his chains on, and after merciless hunting and julias sobbing and mine saying "AAAAAAH MY HANDS ARE FREEZING OFF" and "do you guys think i should piss on my hands??" julia spotted the keys and held them up. so i went to unlock the other door to see if it would open. nope. we tried the whole tugging thing again unsuccessfully. then courtney was like "what about the trunk?" so we tried it, and sure enough it popped open. i got really excited (my hands were still painfully numb [redundant?]) i threw open the trunk and ordered them to help me take my boots off. julia yanked off my boots and i climbed into the trunk. we had folded one seat down, the smaller side, to let court and julias boards through to the car from the trunk... so there was a tiny opening. i pushed everything out of my way and crawled through it. after one half of my body was in, court and i got a back door open. then i crawled all the way through and we started the car. after opening all the doors, we still had to dig out the car. so i put my boots back on and we started. julia and courtney were already digging away. when i asked the guy who was driving around to check on everyone if he had shovels, Mr. Headlights said he had a shovel. it was one of those ones for building kickers on the mountain, so it worked perfectly. i kept accidently throwing snow at him. i felt bad. but yeah, eventually after much maneuvering, digging, and pushing, we were on our way. we had been advised to go to Hood River, then portland then salem in order to avoid traffic so we did. so that added a long drive to our journey. when we got there, i turned wrong and got us onto I-84 going the wrong way. we had to wait a few miles to turn around, but no biggie. the taco time in hood river was SOOO worth it. 2 or 3 hours later we were home, in one piece, much to my parents' delight. they will always freak out when i go to the mountain. its a rule. they say i'm so irresponsible, but if only they could see me. going 20 mph or less the whole way down the mountain through the snowy part.... because i didnt want to drive dangerously, and that's what i felt comfortable with. if only they could see how i concentrated so hard on the road between hood river and portland that i didnt even fight over the radio w/ julia. if only.