| Tuesday, January 6th, 2004. 3:47pm Last night I got back from visiting Denice and Jessica in Mountain Home. Going there gave me an opportunity to check out the Boise area and the Boise State campus. I'm really disappointed because I was almost certain that my trip would just affirm the fact that I was okay with going there. Wrong! I tried really hard to like it, but suddenly I stopped and realized�. I would be miserable there. I just didn't like the area� I think a lot of that would have to do with the fact that it's desert. It's flat, there are no trees, it's barren. Southeastern Idaho is made up of a whole bunch of small towns and a couple bigger ones. The thing is I'm looking to study in a place where I can also begin my life after college. I want to be able to start my teaching career in a place that I know and like. If I ended up teaching in the Boise area I know I wouldn't be happy. I just wasn't feelin' it. I want so much to just like it there. But I can't just pick a school by the programs and the scholarships. Those are important things but environment plays such an huge role in the whole college experience. I know deep down that if I get to go to Florida International University in Miami I'll have this awesome opportunity to experience tons of different cultures and points of view. Also, who can resist going to a place that's known for sun and palm trees?? I mean, I know it's far from home, I know it's a huge city, bigger than I can even imagine, and I know it's not heaven. But I feel like my adventure's just beginning. I think I could get a really awesome education at FIU. It's just a matter of funding it now. Which will be hard. Since my sister and I are both in school our Expected Family Contribution from the FAFSA went down, but not enough to really help me. I'm going to be completely on my own next year, and I don't know how I will afford it!! Living expenses cant exactly be cheap in miami either. That's a real obstacle that I'm going to need to face. I wish I would have won the 210 million dollar powerball. I always said I was going to put off buying my first lottery ticket so id win on my first try. But I didn't win. Man. Anyway, maybe someone will secretly donate money to my cause or something. It's so hard to get any financial aid from the government. I wish they would make it easier for me to attempt to be independent from my parents. As for my five days in Boise/Mountain home, it was a fun time. I got to spend New Year's Eve with friends for the first time in years� and I resisted the urge to kiss a certain cute guy at midnight. Part of me figures that's a good thing. Anyway, it was just really fun to get to hang out with my friends for a little more time before I leave for Cuba. It would be good to go to BSU because then I could see them more often�. But I can't just do it for those reasons, you know? I hope Jaime calls soon I miss him a lot. I'm trying to not let myself get too emotionally attached, it's hard. I feel like im trying to protect myself from what I know will my disappointment when he disappears yet again to work or whatever. What a stressful thing. If he's still around when I get back from Cuba and nothing has changed in my situation, maybe then ill commit. Who knows. |
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| thursday, january 8th, 2003. 2:32pm so for the last week and a half or so the weather around here has been psycho. it started with a foot of snow which knocked out power to my house for 30 hours (we dont get water without power because we have a well). my family was melting snow on the woodstove to bathe. the power finally came back on, but another snow storm came. i was in Boise when it continued to snow. After i got home it snowed again, but then it turned to freezing rain and sleet, leaving a thick ice layer on top of all of the snow. today it finally started to just rain, but it will take forever for everything to melt. my sister and i went downtown today so she could swim at the Y and and so i could get retainers put in my piercings. i had to walk quite a bit, and it was the most terrifying experience ever. some sidewalks looked shoveled, but then they had a layer of ice on top of them with water underneath. others were just still covered in iced over snow cause no one had bothered to shovel. luckily im still alive, even though i stepped in several curbside puddles of slush that looked solid, but then my foot went all the way down, so the freezing water soaked halfway up my calf. i'm not really sure what the hell is going on with this weather.... i hope it ends soon or ill never make it up to the mountain before i leave!! |
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| sunday, january 11th, 2004. 11:07am so i started working at wunderland again. i came home last night with the worst headache ever. it's hard to believe i lasted 12 hours yesterday. i have to go back for 8.5 hours today. i know, though, that i want to work as much as i can because i really need the money... and its not like i have anything else to do, you know? i find the thing that bothers me most about that job is how long i have to stand. it just really hurts the backs of my legs and my back. needless to say i slept very soundly last night. it didnt take me any time to fall asleep. but i woke up earlier than i needed to this morning because i was having bad dreams all night. i don't know why, probably just from stress or something. anyway, it's time to get myself ready to do it all over again. |
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| wednesday, january 14th, 2004. 11:24pm finally!! a day off!! i ended up working monday and tuesday as well because the guy that was supposed to work was really sick. i really didnt mind because i can really use the hours. it just really takes it out of me. i slept so heavily last night, and i plan to do it again tonight. how weird that my "weekend" is wednesday and thursday. but its not like it really matters. tonight i went to a party in corvallis at steve's. it was really fun, nice to get out of the house. the bad part is i got this awful headache and after awhile i decided i really needed to leave. i felt bad for leaving so early, but i know i had to....my head is still pounding. besides that, life isnt really that interesting right now. ive been working a ton, that's about it. i havent seen jaime since friday, which makes me sad, but i know he has to work. i hope he comes back soon. i like him so much. i know nobody understands it, but i dont really feel like they have to. now that i understand the situation a little better, i dont freak out as much when i dont hear from him for awhile. at the same time i think that's the reason i havent completely let myself get attached. but that's ok i dont need to get attached right before i go to cuba. |
| sunday, january 18th, 2004. 9:50pm i think ive figured out that i never write on my webpage while i'm in salem because there's nothing to write about. all ive been doing is working. on thursday i had the day off so i picked my sister up from her swim meet then went and hung out with some friends from work. it's really cool to feel like i have people to hang out with here. today i went snowboarding with my dad and mike from work. it was a great time but i got so tired! i dont know why!! it was a really really wet day so the whole thing just kind of took it out of me. i should sleep well tonight! so i guess ive done some stuff... but really no drama. HA! imagine! i havent really been having many deep thoughts either. i think this life just makes my mind go numb. i can't wait to go to cuba.... there will be so much to take in there. |
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| tuesday, january 20th, 2004. 10:54pm i leave in a week. i am so nervous!! im trying to start my packing/preparing, but it's hard to stay on task. for me it's easier to do things when i'm under pressure. but that always causes more stress. so i'd rather get my packing done a week early, you know? i know it wont happen but i suppose i could make an honest effort. i hope jaime comes back before i leave. i really like not feeling insecure about his absence. i mean, yeah, i miss him a lot, but i know he really cares about me and i know there's a reason that he's gone and it doesnt really mean that he's forgotten me. i try to just appreciate and look forward to the little time we get to spend together. it's pretty cool, i don't wallow in self-pity when he's gone, probably because i don't know him well enough to feel that way. i guess in a way not letting myself get too attached has helped me keep control of the situation. i think that's the way it should be.... i shouldn't just completely let go of my control of my emotions until i'm really sure i will be ok. today i was thinking i should be on the Dr. Phil show. ive gotten strangely addicted to his show, and i'd really like his advice and insight regarding my messed up relationships with guys. i think i am way too dependent, and i think i tend to find guys that treat me really badly. i think i'm looking for answers and i think i would get some pretty good ones on that show. maybe if its still on when i get back from cuba ill write to him. sounds funny, but i kinda think it would work. who knows. |
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| thursday, january 22nd, 2003. 11:21pm jaime called this morning!! i was so happy. i think when he calls i somehow know it will be him. either that or every time i hear the long distance ring i imagine it being him, then usually i am disappointed to hear someone else's voice....but the occasional times it IS him, i get excited and feel like i knew all along that it would be him. hmm. anyway, at 8:45am today i leapt out of bed and ran to the den to answer the phone. He couldn't talk long, but he wanted to tell me that he misses me, that he might be home this weekend, y que me quiere. i went back to bed with the biggest grin on my face. i'm going to miss him a lot. |
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| sunday, january 25th, 2004. 11:24pm i got my lip pierced today. it didnt hurt when i got it pierced, but it really hurts right now. the ring is too big... they were leaving room for swelling. it looks kinda dorky but i think if i can get a smaller ring before i go to cuba it will all be good. i don't know if i'll keep it or not yet, but im trying not to make a quick decision because i DID pay 40 bucks for it. i also got my tragus repierced because i had to take it out when i started working at wunderland. THAT was an ordeal. it bled a lot. the lady thought the bleeding had stopped so she started prepping my lip on the other side of my face, and when she gave me the mirror to look at the dot she had drawn on my lip, i noticed something dropping down my hair. i looked and was horrified to see blood gushing out of my ear!!!! "AH! my ear!!" i exclaimed, and she had to spend like 5 minutes getting the bleeding under control and cleaning up the blood which was on my face, hair, shirt, and on the chair. ahh!! luckily i can have a sense of humor about these things. the conclusion was that she must have accidently hit some of the scar tissue from the previous piercing there which caused excessive bleeding. i made my mom come with me, too, because i wanted her to understand what a positive experience i always have when i go into Addictions. I don't know if it made her feel any better about my piercings but i'm glad i could at least share it with her. Im sure both my parents hate my lip but my mom hasnt said anything about it at least. my sister can't have 2 seconds of decent conversation with me so she hasnt mentioned it either. honestly i dont care what people think anyway. i'll eventually decide for myself whether or not i like it. |
| January 2004 |
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