September 2003

wednesday, september 3rd, 2003. 3:52pm
i dont even know where my days are going. i seriously feel like life is moving so fast i can't catch up. in a way, this is good because i don't have time to dwell on the things that make me unhappy. on the other hand, i feel more and more stressed due to the things i cant get done. im considering dropping my economics class, but then i would only be taking 15 credits and i would feel like a slacker. i just feel like all my teachers think their class is the only one im reading for. it will be ok. if that one book ever gets here. i have to take an economics quiz before friday. he gives the quizzes online. i hate that. why cant he just give them in class? i cant register with his website until i get my book, and i just re-ordered it yesterday. yes, you could say i am a bit stressed. but thats not all. there's cuba preparations to be made, scholarships to apply for, and money to make. that reminds me i have to be home by 415 so i can be at work at 5. greasy boring work. but its work. and its $6 an hour so who am i to complain? at least i HAVE a job. if i didnt i would probably cry. i havent cried in a long time either. i guess that's good right? wow. i need to slow down.

the guy from alaska called last night. he actually called. i was impressed. but, surprisingly, not home. so well at least he called, right?

ive been trying to always go to the gym... but its hard. at least i can read there, but its hard when youre bouncing up and down to focus on words. ill work on it. ill try to go after work tonight. it'll be hard though, cause i probably wont get done closing till 10 again. dammit anyway. i wish i wasnt such a perfectionist, i would get things done so much faster.

im leaving now, i need to photocopy a book before i leave the library.

thursday, september 4th, 2003. 11:51pm
i can't let go. i don't know what to do. i don't know how to make it go away. i can pretend and lie to myself and say i don't feel it anymore but i still do. i don't know why. i've already decided it's no good. i've already decided it's not what i want. but where reason stops and my heart begins there's no hope. i want it to stop. i don't want to feel this way every time i'm confronted with it. it shouldn't be like this. it's pointless and stupid and foolsih to continue like this, not letting go. when will i let go?

sunday, september 7th, 2003. 10:24pm
i had a good weekend. it relaxed me for a change. friday afternoon Noe and i went downtown to the piercing place. he was getting his labret pierced and i was just getting my nose ring put back in. it took him a long time to decide he was ready to get pierced, and by that time a thousand people were there. so we ended up waiting there for 4 hours... which i didnt really mind because i enjoy Noe's company... although my stomach really regretted not eating lunch. on the way home we hit Jack in the Box and i think it was the best meal of my life because i was so hungry! When i got home i returned Julias call and she came over to watch a movie after my roomates and forrest finally left for the bars. i dont know what it is, maybe my mom's dislike for loud noises has rubbed off on me, but between their loud banter and loud bumping music i go crazy after awhile. anyway, later i went with julia to pullman to pick up my roomates in Bo's car. on the way i got pulled over for having one headlight missing. i was so pissed! but i didnt get a ticket or anything. in a college town late on a friday night cops will find any reason to pull someone over. he looked in my car for alcohol! that bastard! anyway, it was still a good night and i got to sleep in on saturday. well... Bo made me huckleberry pancakes so i woke up at 10 to eat those. then i went back to bed till 130 when forrest as usual called and woke me up... but he brought me lunch so i forgave him. i didnt do a whole lot on saturday besides work out and go have dinner in the dorms with Noe. we ate with some of my friends from last year... i love getting to hang out with them sometimes. yeah i just stayed in last night, got some reading done and went to bed around 2. today was stressful because i had to work and it's dad's weekend so pretzelmaker was hectic. but hey. it's been raining all day. it sucks to be a pedestrian in the rain. it makes me lose some of my love for rain. anyway, im going now, i have tons of reading to do. until later.

monday, september 8th, 2003. 7:32pm
it's been raining like nonstop since yesterday evening. i love the rain but not right now. its combining with other elements to make my life feel gloomy. the past just walked by and made me all flustered. ignored yet again. i'm getting used to it. it's not like i don't equally ignore. i dont know how to act... i dont know what i think or how i feel about it. im confused. i swear i'm confused about everything right now... and i dont know how to make it go away. if i could get amnesia at least the past would go away. and id only have to be confused about today. i wish the past was gone. i wish it hadnt come back.

tuesday, september 9th, 2003. 10:09pm
six months. half a year. longer than the whole debacle lasted. that's it. i need to be rid of this. i need to find a way to either let go or forget. it's hard, you know? i mean, it's not like i exactly spent the summer sitting around on my ass mourning my loss. i entertained lots of prospects. but none of those prospects has made me feel as happy, as passionate, as right... i don't know. there's no point living in the past. and i can't expect to find a replacement in just a few months. what i need is patience... that one thing that's probably most difficult for me.

thursday, september 11th, 2003. 3:14pm
i don't really know how to all about this whole thing, but for now my solution is to avoid it. what else is there to do? so far so good... considering i made this decision yesterday. but honestly, what's the point?

i don't really have much to say... the last few days have flown by as usual... i don't know what happens to my time! i discovered today that there is a GORGEOUS specimen of a guy in one of my classes. now there's just the whole part of actually talking to him... i don't know if i can do it. but he could just be nice to look at.... i just got out of a class where we watched two monotone videos about international law and human rights.... those kinds of videos where you can tell they had absolutely no budget but just decided to make a video anyway. it may have been more informative if the woman's voice hadnt been lulling me to sleep. anyway, i suppose now im off to the financial aid office. can you see the excitement?

friday, september 12th, 2003. 6:04pm
i have a pounding headache. i am at the breaking point. why can i never be happy? ive only been here 4 weeks and im already at this point? it's just the stress. the money that i don't have, the scholarships i don't get, and the ROOMATES. GAH the roomates. i really do like my roomates they're nice guys. but one can only take so much. they don't respect me because i'm "nice" and because i'm young. today i just broke down when they came home and after they KNEW I was sleeping because i kicked forrest out of my room they turned on their sound system and started "bumpin'" their stupid rap. i couldn't believe it. i burst into tears, curled up in the fetal position and just laid there for a minute shaking. then i grabbed my book and with my head pounding wiped my eyes and stormed out of the house, right past them, got on my bike and came here. i didnt even know where i was going to go... i just knew i needed to get out of there. i hate it... i feel like no one respects me and it's kind of one of those things where i've let it build up for so long that i have exploded in self-pity.

just as a follow-up, and a kind of explanation...the financial aid office visit yesterday did not go well. the scholarship i'm on here will not go toward my study abroad next semester which is KILLING me because it makes me realize that unless by some MIRACLE i get some of the scholarships i am applying for.... i will be paying for all approximately 11,000 dollars for Cuba (only ONE SEMESTER) with loans. Loans that have interest and that i will have to pay back. that will keep me bogged down in debt for years to come after i get this "wonderful" thing called an education.... loans that will keep me from doing what i want to do... loans that will keep me in the US so I can make money to pay them off. i'm going to cry just thinking about it. how can they expect me to afford college? i'm not made out of money and the fact that my parents have money has nothing to do with how i am going to pay for things. why do they assume that? i wonder if it would help if i could claim myself as a dependent or however that works. but then they would have to stop claiming me. would that mean the plane tickets home and stuff would stop too? i have no chance while i am their dependent of getting any financial aid. i hate need-based scholarships. how can they measure need??

saturday, september 13th, 2003. 6:53pm
hmph. what a weekend. and its only saturday. i went with my friend to a couple parties last night. she got really drunk and ended up puking a whole bunch. the party we happened to be at was an all-mexican party... we were the only two white people and they were all her friends and i didnt know anyone really. it was really awkward. but we made it through and ended up spending the night there. im really tired now though. because i didnt sleep well and i came home at like 10:30 this morning, went to bed at noon and woke up at 3. oh well. i dont know if ill go out again tonight. but maybe i really need to get out and have more fun.

i've begun to realize some things about myself that really need to be fixed. because i'm not exactly making healthy decisions lately. and they don't make me feel better, even when i think they will. i'll work on that.

monday, september 15th, 2003. 11:13pm
well my weekend only got crazier, but more fun. by the end of the weekend i was feeling much cheerier and more confident. the mistake i made friday night was the mistake i have made a lot lately. i look for the affection i crave in all the wrong places, and always seem to find it with guys that dont give a rat's ass about me the next day. but in the moment it can feel so good just to be held, to feel somewhat important to them, even if it's fake. the problem with that is the eventual realization of my meaninglessness to them and subsequent the depression and feelings of cheapness, foolishness and all that. in the long run it's definitely not worth it, although in the moment it doesnt feel that way. anyway saturday night was better, i met someone who genuinely liked me for who i am and cared about me. that was awesome. it made me feel so much better that my personality is not a complete waste of time and that some people actually care about it, and about ME.

i talked to the past today for the first time this semester. when did i grow balls? i don't feel as weird as i would have thought, but i have realized that convincing myself that it is ugly won't work again. cecilia says if i keep talking to it i'll realize how wrong it is. i think she's right. but honestly i've been trying to avoid it at all costs. but whatever i do i just can't keep it out of my path.

i havent exactly recovered from the weekend but i'm trying. i have so much reading to do for this week i want to pull my hair out. all i have wanted to do all day was sleep but i couldn't. i will try to be in bed by 1 tonight so i can get 9 hours of sleep. i really want about 13.

thursday night, september 18th, 2003. 1:50am
i am so frustrated! i finally found a guy that makes me feel the way i want to feel! he makes my heart stop beating and my chest all heavy so i cant breathe and the butterflies--they're there! and you know what? he's taken. he's freaking taken and i hate it. it drives me insane, not having the opportunity to try for him. i just know he makes me happy and i want him and i can't have him. what can i do? why have i waited for so long to feel like this only to not have a chance?

friday, september 19th, 2003. 11:10pm
i got my tragus pierced today. and no, that's not something nasty. it's that hard piece of cartilidge on your ear that's closest to your face. it looks cool. but it hurt SO BAD. it made like a crunching noise and everything. it still hurts quite frankly, especially since i tried to put headphones on. Mandeep is supposed to pierce my ears, a second hole, for me this weekend. but i'm kind of freaking out over the piercing i got today. it wont be that bad i guess. what do i have to lose? it will look cool in the long run. Noe and i have begun a tradition of going to get pierced of Fridays. last time he got his labret pierced and i just got my nose ring put back in. today he got his nose pierced and i got my tragus pierced. i really want to pierce my lip but im afraid of losing my job. besides, piercings get expensive. maybe next time i'll just get the first hole in my earlobes stretched. that cant be too expensive.

anyway, hmm. i've settled down from last night. i think it's the first time in a long time that i've had a crush. and that's why i'm so... overwhelmed by him. and then stressed by the fact that i can't even pursue him. but hey, life goes on. theres a million guys out there, why do i need this one?.... right?..... right????

sunday, september 21st, 2003. 7:46pm
in order to make up for the way exciting weekend i had last week i had a very low-key one this weekend. friday night i stayed home and did laundry, read cosmo, watched a movie with my roomate until he left to go have a life. i slept most of saturday and went to walmart with forrest, had dinner in the dorms with Noe (it never agrees wiht my stomach), and attempted to clean my room. around 10 mandeep and his friend prajol (i have no idea how to spell it) stopped by and i went with them to mandeep's to watch a movie. it was very interesting to go to his house because he insisted on cooking food for me and i couldnt understand why. i didnt want him to go out of his way for me. and he decided to make me chicken soup because i have a cold, but he didnt have any so he went to the convenience store to get some! i think it is obvious that culturally we are pretty different. he kept telling me it was a respect thing. i think probably in Nepal they respect people more than they do here. which is cool, but weird cause like they said that old people consider it a sign of disrespect if you look them in the eye! isnt that the opposite of what they do here?? werid. i want to see the world, and be exposed to all of this. anyway, i ended up sleeping on his couch cause i was too tired to walk home, and i came home around 11:00 this morning in order to call Jaime before i went to work. quite a weekend, huh? it's ok. as much as i do like going to parties and meeting people it can be exhausting. maybe i'll go out next weekend, who knows. i'll try to study first though this time.

tuesday, september 23rd, 2003. 3:40pm
yesterday. i got my official acceptance packet from the study abroad program to Cuba that i applied for. i'm really excited that i'm officially accepted... but the reality of how much it will cost is beginning to sink in. they want a $500 deposit within the next ten days. and that's just the beginning! how will i afford this?? gah! but i WILL do it because this is one of those once in a lifetime opportunities that in the long run will be worth it. but wow, it's a lot of money.

today in my Human Rights in Latin America class my teacher caught me looking less than enthused over the topic of discussion. I have to admit that for the past 3 weeks we've been discussing International Law, listening to the arguments of the law students, who are so TECHNICAL about everything. honestly law doesn't inspire me and so, although i was listening to the teacher's words, i can't say that i knew what he was saying. when i feel disinterested i tend to space out occasionally, and on that particular occasion i was thinking about guys (shocking, isnt it). aren't we glad he didn't ask me what i was thinking! "um, well, i think it should be international law that university campuses be supplied with many genuinely nice, compassionate, intelligent guys." yeah, that would have won over my the hearts of my class and of my teacher. oh man. once i am interested in the topic i will take it more seriously i suppose.

saturday, september 27th, 2003. 8:05pm
last night i went out. it was fun. i went with Denice and Diana and some other girls first to hang out at their house and then to a party over at Hawthorne. it was fun, except i ended up being the taxi driver/designated driver. it wasn't that bad though. anyway, i met this really cool guy and talked to him for awhile and i was just like "wow, this guy is SO nice." then i had to drive diana to pullman and leslie home, and when i came back he found me and said "hey, can i ask you for a kiss?" i was honestly quite floored. but i was like SCORE!
     "NOW??" i asked.
     "Yeah."
     "Right here???"
     "No in that room."
I told him in a little while and he told me ok but not to forget and i promised i wouldn't. i was excited cause he actually seemed like a nice guy. later, though, the cops busted the party for being too loud so everyone had to go home. When i was leaving he was like "hey you owe me something." and i told him i guessed it would have to wait. i asked if he had a pen, thinking i could give him my number but then this girl came up and started talking to him and he mysteriously stopped talking to me. I went out to the car and told Denice the whole story and she was like "oh yeah he has a girlfriend back home." i was like "what??? no way." i didnt believe her so later i asked Diana who had earlier told me he was super nice when i told her about him.
     "Hey Diana, does ---- have a girlfriend??"
     She thought for a second and looked at me and said "yeah."
     Shit. I'm that girl now. i was inches away from being the HOMEWRECKER. and even moreover, i thought he was a really cool guy that actually LIKED me and he was not only going to USE me but also cheat on his GIRLFRIEND with me. he was so nice! i never would have imagined that he was such a sleaze. screw him. if i see him on campus or whatever im going to give him a piece of my mind. probably not but i'd like to think i will.

there's this other guy that i'm interested in. i THINK he's interested in me too but guys are so weird and hard to read. i'm trying to decide whether or not i should just screw it and become a nun or something. whats the point of dealing with all these dramatic sleazes?

sunday, september 28th, 2003. 9:54pm
last night was fun. first i went with everyone to this Mexican dance at the community center. As soon as i walked in i regretted it because they were playing this kind of music that i dont like and that you have to have a partner to dance to and i was like "crap." after awhile though they started playing some music that is easier to dance to and even some rap and stuff. it was fun, i really felt like dancing. it ended at midnight so everyone went to this party afterwards. I have to admit i just wasn't in the mood last night. for some reason i was overwhelmed by this feeling of lonliness. so i was ready to go by 1, but i was the designated driver so i hung around. 1:30 came and went and i was feeling sleepy. around 2 just as i was convinced that my friend was tired and bored too, she was invited to play drinking games and got involved in that. "DAMN," i thought. this was around the same time, however, that a guy i like came to the party. but, having the self esteem issues that i have, i didnt think much of it. around 2:30 i went for a walk. i ended up walking home and changing my clothes, then coming back to the party. when i got back it was almost 3 and the girl whose car i was in charge of had called someone to pick her up and take her home. my friend was still playing drinking games so i sat down at the table with them... the guy also was there. i ended up really hitting it off with him. i really like him, actually. i don't really know him that well yet, but he's just super nice. the thing is i probably shouldn't have kissed him because he was drunk, but i don't know how drunk. so i dont know if it's going to be one of those things, where he will actually call me and want to hang out with me, or if in the morning he woke up and was like "damn, why did i kiss HER?" it's a hard thing... to put myself out there. i have gotten shot down so many times. and i realize im not going about things in the right way. it's just so hard to do things the right way.

monday, september 29th, 2003. 9:37pm
i forgot to go to my 5-7:30 class today. i just FORGOT. what kind of idiot FORGETS to go to class. i could see purposely not going for whatever reason, but FORGETTING?? hopefully i didnt miss too much. it's only once a week which means we cover a lot in one class. but hopefully i'll do ok on the midterm anyway. yikes. maybe i've just been distracted lately. who knows.

the more i have time to think about this guy i like, the more freaked out i become. what if he doesn't really like me? what if i was just an amusement? that would make me feel terrible. i should've stuck to my rule about not kissing drunk guys. but sometimes it's hard to resist. especially with such a crush.... eh. oh well. we'll see what happens.

i've seen the fucker from friday night quite a few times. he was at the dance and the party on saturday night. i just blatantly ignored him. my friend had told him i was mad at him, but i'm not sure he knows WHY. any DECENT guy should feel completely ashamed of himself for that. hopefully he does. yesterday when i was at work he walked by in the mall and i had forgotten i was mad at him and smiled and waved. he was on his cell phone and just kind of looked at me and kept walking. whatever. now i seem to see him everywhere. i don't know, it's just so weird to me. who knows.

tuesday, septemeber 30th, 2003. 3:34pm.
today in my human rights in latin america class we watched a video about the coup d'etat in Chile in 1973. Now, about a month ago i went and bought a book about this because i had been browsing through the little independent book store in downtown Moscow and it caught my eye. it was a short, 80 page book that cost me about 10 bucks but it was worth it because i found it very enlightening. For those that don't know what happened in Chile on September 11th, 1973, i won't try to explain it because i think i am not well educated enough to explain the whole thing and the events leading up to it as well as those following it... but i encourage americans especially to open their eyes, to read about this kind of thing, even if it's just a Google search you happen to do one day.

As i read and learn more about latin america i become more and more ashamed of the country in which i live. all of the horrible things that have happened in the last century there are usually supported by the united states in its attempt to maintain power and influence in this part of the world, as well as to "combat communism", which would of course negatively affect these things should it actually ever establish itself in latin america. i hate seeing what our country is capable of and what it has done to other peoples, all the while claiming that it is for their own good. when are we going to let the people of other nations decide for themselves what is in their own best interest? i ask you this, because it seems to be a chronic problem within our "democratic" ideals. a people may only have the "freedom" to choose what they want, as long as it is what we want.

that's all i have to say for now im a bit fired up.

Thursday, september 25th, 2003. 11:11pm
I can�t explain what�s going on with me. It�s like this internal emotional torment. I hate it. Why can�t I be normal? Why can�t I just be happy? I don�t know why I have to be like this. Last night was awful. I think I had an anxiety attack. I�m not really sure what an anxiety attack constitutes, but it was awful, first I couldn�t concentrate on anything, then I just started crying because I was upset over something but I had no one to go to, no one to talk to. I cried in frustration until I realized my heart was pounding super fast and my I felt completely out of control. I don�t think externally anything changed. But it was the weirdest experience. I put away my homework and went to bed because I knew I wasn�t going to get anything done and I just laid there for a long time trying to calm down. I don�t know what�s with me. If only people knew what I�m going through inside. I try to talk about it but people either ignore it or freak out and make it this HUGE deal. I�d rather just avoid the topic.

Today wasn�t too bad I guess. This afternoon I did take a nap, which lately signifies my not wanting to deal with other things. The thing is, throughout my whole class this afternoon I kept PICTURING my bed and imagining myself in it. I didn�t sleep that long anyway. And then I went to the SUB and finished up my studying for tomorrow in 2 hours. I was so pumped. All done by 8! I worked out and spent forever at the gym because I ran into denice and her friend leslie. I think I�m going out with them this weekend. I�m excited I love going out and meeting new people. So yeah, maybe making myself busy will make all of this �inner torment� go away. You think?

September 2003