tuesday, april 1st, 2003.  9:17pm  April Fool's Day
the past few days haven't been that bad.  i've kept myself a little more upbeat and busy, it helps me not think about how lonely i have been.  i've started working out again, too, and that always helps me feel better about myself.  until i step on the scale.  i'm 5 pounds overweight and i want to be 15 pounds underweight?  is that too unhealthy?  it doesn't matter because it's not exactly like i diet and exercise enough to ever lose 20 pounds haha.  i eat what i want, but i'm ok with that.  i've come to cope with the fact people gain weight in college.  i eat what i want, and i try to eat some of the healthy stuff too.  so as much as i want to lose all that weight, i never will and i'm ok with that.

i went to a speech-thing yesterday by this guy Roberto Maestas, who i guess was really involved with the Cesar Chavez stuff (we were celebrating Cesar Chavez day i think).  it was really interesting and stuff, but every time i go to those things i feel almost guilty for being white.  here i am, trying to learn more about other cultures and diversity, and i sit and listen to everything "the oppressors, the white people" have done wrong.  and they always refer to "we," but i know i'm not a part of that "we" and it just makes me feel left out.  reminds me that i don't fit in i guess.  it's weird.

things in the humberto category are pretty non-existent at the moment.  i've decided that if he wants to talk to me he will, and if not, he won't.  i'm tired of waiting around for him to make up his mind.  i realize that i am still waiting, but not as passively.  i'm trying to make my life start moving again, with or without him.  i honestly hope he comes around, but if he doesn't hopefully i'll be more able to deal with it. 



Artist : Cafe Tacuba
Song : Como Te Extra�o

Como te extra�o mi amor porque ser�
me falta todo en la vida si no estas
Como te extra�o mi amor que puedo hacer
te extra�o tanto que voy a enloquecer.

A veces pienso que tu nunca vendr�s
pero te quiero y te tengo que esperar
este destino me lleva hasta el final
donde alg�n d�a mi amor te encontrara

Ay amor divino
pronto tienes que volver

Como te extra�o
me falta todo en la vida si no estas
Como te extra�o
te extra�o tanto que voy a enloquecer.

A veces pienso que tu nunca vendr�s
pero te quiero y te tengo que esperar
este destino me lleva hasta el final
donde alg�n d�a mi amor te encontrara

Ay amor divino
pronto tienes que volver

El dolor es fuerte lo soporto
porque vivo pensando en tu amor
quiero verte tenerte y besarte
y entregarte todo mi coraz�n.

Ay amor divino...
thursday, april 3rd, 2003.  2:07pm
well.  it only works to repress feelings if there is little contact with the person who evokes those emotions.  yesterday i unavoidably ran into humberto 4 times.  4 times!!  i had physically seen him a total of 3 times before that since we broke up.  and those were just the times at dinner that i could ignore him and pretend i didn't see him, which he did equally.  but yesterday.... geez.  first i'm riding my bike back to the dorm, and i had thought about going around a different way since i knew i would be going to walmart and the other door is closer to the road.... but the bike racks are always so full over there that i went the normal way.  as i'm riding down the path to wallace, i notice 4 guys walking from the direction of humbertos and randys apartments.  its also the direction of the biggest parking lot, so i didn't think much of them and wasn't paying much attention.  then i noticed that one of those guys was checho.... dun dun duuuunnnn... that's when it set in that it was checho and 3 other guys, which means it was the whole clan.  my eyes moved, i saw randy, then humberto, then the guy that i assumed was the new chilean that got here last weekend.  oooooh shit.  they saw that i saw them.  i did a half-wave and kept riding my bike.  i played it so cool i was so proud.  they were all dressed like retards, with chilean flag capes, or like humberto had a bright red bandana on his head.            
     "what are you guys doing?  you look ridculous, like pirates or something."
     "we're putting on a show for the wallace kids,"  humberto said.  i only looked at him for a second.  GOSH why does he have to be so hot?  i had convinced myself he was ugly while not seeing him for so long... probably a way of coping.
     "uhhh. ok."

Then I asked Checho if he's found his chilean flag yet.  since our hall is the global village, people hang up the flags from their countries in the hall.  someone stole his.  it actually makes me laugh since i dont like any of the guys i know from chile except for rodrigo who was apparently too nice for humberto's crew to want to hang out with.  so anyway i just told checho that i hope that he doesnt think i took it and that was about it.  i locked my bike and they went to the basement to play pool.

Then after i went to my room and got ready to go to walmart, i had to go check my mail, which is in the basement.  i went the long way, around the couches instead of around the pool tables in order to avoid them.  even though i know they saw me. 

After Spanish conversation group i walked into wallace right at 7:00.  I have to walk through the cafeteria to get to my wing and since 7:00 is when they close dinner, that's always when humberto goes and gets free food.  As i was walking through he suddenly appeared, walking right past me.  i saw him, he saw me.  i couldn't avoid it.  i waved and was about to say "how are you??" like i do whenever i see one of my friends.  but his cold, half smile made me decide to just keep walking.  stupid fucker.

Around 9:00 i had to print something in the basement computer lab.  i looked through the little window in the door that leads to the main room and was relieved to see that it wasn't them playing pool.  my eyes must have been playing tricks on me though, cause it was them and i didnt realize it until i made eye contact with humberto.  i smiled and he just gave me that dumb blank stare again.  i went around the long way again.  i could swear my life hates me.

The thing about seeing him so much is that it completely brings the whole topic to the surface and makes me so sad that i can't have him.  Last night the Prospector reopened and Cecilia went and said she would get humberto really drunk so he would agree to come talk to me (he only talks when he's drunk).  It was kind of a joke, but i wouldn't have minded.  however, instead of doing that she just asked him stuff.  and he passed on a message through her like we're in eighth grade.  it was a message that is devastating, but something i already knew.... however, HE needs to be the one to say it to me.  he's such a coward.  i got really mad and yelled at him on MSN which honestly was really dumb because i was way too emotional and when i get like that i can't express myself.  it was funny though i was in the computer lab pounding on the keyboard haha.  I didnt finish my geography project till like 3am, which is when they close the computer lab anyway.  i got up here about 3:15, went to bed around 3:30.  then i cried for a really long time.  cecilia was having trouble sleeping so she woke up when i came in. i thought i'm really good at silently crying, but since i have a cold my nose kept getting all runny and i was sniffing a lot.  She caught me.  she just said something really nice though and let me keep sniffing.  its so weird to silently cry THAT hard.  i wish i had a place to go to be alone to cry.  nights are always when i cry though, especially if i can make it through the day fairly happy.  i have to let it out sometime.
friday, april 4th, 2003.  2:58pm
last night i unavoidably saw humberto at dinner again.  i said hi, but i wasnt very nice. 

when i went to the gym around 8:15, i had totally forgotten that thursday nights are pickup soccer nights.  i'm not sure HOW i could have forgotten that, since i used to go every time.  i LOVED watching him play soccer.  he's so good and i always felt so proud that THAT guy loved ME.  i always would get a crush on him all over again when i watched him play soccer. so when i got on the stair machine and looked over toward the soccer court, seeing him there, playing, made me really miss that.  it hurt.  i worked out for awhile, watching tv.  i looked over my shoulder to see the clock, and his team had come off the court to get water.  they were RIGHT THERE.  i turned back around, and it was weird, i filled with all these emotions.  mostly sadness and anger.  so i took out my emotions in the form of anger.  i worked out so hard last night.  when i got done with my 50 minutes on the stair machine and had burned 630 calories, i decided to get on another machine and go for the whole 1000 calories.  what a psycho.  but it helped so much to get rid of all of that anger by tiring myself out.  after 80 minutes of working out, i quit and got a smoothie, and went home.   i didn't cry last night.  i think it's because i had already let everything out for the day.  watch, being mad at humberto will lead me to ultra skinniness haha.
sunday, april 6th, 2003.  2:36pm
this weekend was mom's weekend.  it was fun, i went all over with my mom....although when we went to walmart i couldnt think of anything i wanted her to buy me haha.  how frustrating!  finally i got 10 pair of underwear for 10 bucks and a couple sports bras, as well as some diet pepsi and an air freshener.  we saw the movie Chicago.  it was really good, it kind of reminded me of Moulin Rouge, but with even more singing.  i think Renee Zellweger should have won an Oscar, and MAYBE Catherine Zeta-Jones.  but that's just one person's opinion.  we went out to chinese food with julia and her mom, that was really fun, and after i put enough Equal in the tea, it made my throat feel better.  i don't like chinese food all that much but it was still a good time.  today i am really tired.  i coughed all night long it felt horrible.  i don't have anything to do.  maybe ill go work out in awhile.  or do some homework.  i'm sure i have some.
monday, april 7th, 2003.  5:01pm
i dunno.  i'm kind of sick.  but i've still been going to the gym.  it just makes me feel better to get out all of the crappy emotions i've been having.  it's almost been a month since we broke up.  i can't believe i'm still having such a hard time with it.  it seems like it's only been a week.  it's a hard thing i think.  to get over someone you care about so much.  it really hurts that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me now too.  why would he act so excited to be friends with me?  did he just want to hurt me one last time?  guys are assholes.  that's all there is to it.  for now i'll just have to go on liking that one boy in my class that barely knows i exist.... and keep getting goosebumps every time he talks to me.  really i'm making a half-assed effort at liking other boys.  there's only one that i care about.  but i should stop caring one of these days because it's utterly unhealthy.
wednesday, april 9th, 2003.  3:30pm
it's beautiful outside this week.  yesterday was like t-shirt and shorts weather.  today its a little windier, but it's just beautiful.  yesterday i decided i had to spend time outside since it was so nice out, so i randomly hopped on my bike and started riding on the bike path that runs from Moscow to Pullman.  i did it so randomly, that i was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans (and flip flops, that was dumb), and after about half a mile i was frying.  i took off my sweatshirt and rolled up my t-shirt sleeves, and rode 3 miles out of town, then the 3 miles back.  when i got back i was starving and i realized i hadnt even eaten lunch.  everything was closed so i had to sit by myself in the commons eating a gross to-go sandwhich that cost me 4 bucks.  anyway, i felt like i had at least taken advantage of the beautiful weather.  today im hoping that i will get to go out and kick a soccer ball around.... but thats only if cecilia gets a soccer ball out of humberto today.  we'll see.  in my geography lab he made us walk around outside for an hour looking at streams on campus, so i feel like ive spent enough time outside.  i'd really like to play soccer though, i miss the actual playing part, just not all the bitchy girls and the politics.  well i'd love to babble longer but i have a doctor appointment in 20 minutes.  i think maybe i'm not dying anymore, but i still can't fall asleep until 3am everynight because i can't stop coughing violently.  maybe they can help me. who knows.

p.s.- today makes a month.  i can't believe it.  why haven't i gotten over it yet??
thursday, april 10th, 2003.  7:46pm
my heart hurts.  i officially don't like thursdays very much.  they're like the day that i have to see humberto a hundred times.  well i guess last week it was wednesday and thursday, but still.  i just came back from dinner, he was there with his friends.  it made me so sad.  i've been sad about the whole thing all day for some reason. but dinner just did it for me.  and now i'm going to the gym in a few minutes and they will be there cause it's soccer night.... i used to LOVE watching him play soccer.  it kills me. but at the same time i'm not going to change my routine of going to the gym at that time just because of him.  well maybe today will be another 1000 calorie workout day.  its going to take a lot of working out to get these emotions out of me.  especially while he's right there.  why doesn't he just drive a knife into my heart? it would have the same effect.

Why haven't i gotten over this yet?  i swear people are going to stop reading my webpage because i write the same thing every day.  but i can't help it, it consumes me.

we finally got the soccer ball today.  me, cecilia, monica, alexis and bob went out and played a quasi soccer game on the fields outside of our building.  apparently a lot of cecilia's friends had wanted to come but had to work.  we've decided to ask the rec center for like an hour to play sometimes on their court.  the thing is, the scheduled soccer times belong to people like humberto who played for the national team in guatemala.  ok, not all of them are that good, but its still lots of guys who can really play, and like a few of the girls from the UI soccer team.  all of us, we suck.  we just want to play for fun, and playing with people of that level just wouldn't be fun.  so we'll see how it goes.  i think this weekend won't be so boring.  there's a party saturday night and then apparently everyone's playing volleyball over on taylor street on sunday.  i suck at volleyball but i need to get out.  cecilia's being really generous in letting me hang out with her friends.  they're all international students, though, so i'll have to step it up with my spanish.  thank goodness they're not all going out to the bars this weekend, or i would be bored to death.
friday, april 11th, 2003.  4:58pm
i've lost 2 pounds this week.  whoohoo.  only 18 more to go. ha.  acutally 2 pounds is nothing cause it could just be the difference in the scale or water i'm retaining.  but still.  it helps me to think that i've lost 2 pounds. 

last night at the gym it was everything i expected, and i did have to work out quite a bit to get out all of my emotions.  pleasantly, though, i saw every single guy i've even considered having a crush on this year, which was kind of fun.  today at the gym i saw Carlos and he asked how my classes were going and i said they were ok, that some had hot guys in them, and those are  the best.  He asked me if i'm going out with someone else now.  i laughed out loud.  the thing is, that's what i WOULD do.  but this is the first time after a breakup that i don't even THINK about finding a new relationship.  i feel like if i can't have humberto i don't want anyone.  i know that's dumb, but i don't know, i got really attached.  that doesn't just disappear overnight.  although apparently it does for him.

anyway, today i finally got everything in for studying abroad.  my plan is to go to cuba.  we'll see, the program is pretty tough so hopefully i'll get accepted.  i'm pretty confident that my spanish is satisfactory, and my gpa is a 4.0, so hopefully they wont turn me down.  one of humberto's good friends' wife is the study abroad advisor, and she told me that no one that she knows of from UI has gone to the university i would be going to.  i'm really excited.  i feel pretty dumb, i thought the deadline was april 15th and i was rushing to get everything done, and really the deadline isn't until october.  sometimes i can be a total loser.  haha.  oh well, its all done with now at least. 
saturday, april 12th, 2003...technically the 13th, 3:52am
tonight i went to a party (finally).  it was just like the old days.... with that one key thing missing:  humberto.  It was hard at first.  everyone was dancing and i knew i would've been too if i still had him.  and the other thing is that in those parties, i'm nothing without him.  i don't know if that makes sense.  even though people are really nice to me and stuff, i'm still just "humbertos girlfriend" to them.  i went with cecilia, but she dances, so i kind of stood awkwardly in the corner for awhile.  people would come and say hi to me, but it's not like any of them are my good friends or anything... so it was weird.  eventually i started talking to another american, chris (whose girlfriend is from ecuador), joking about our lack of ability to dance.  he introduced me to a friend of his from mexico.  it's not like "oh wow i met this guy."  it's more of a "i made a friend" thing.  but we both can't dance and we both didn't have anyone to talk to so it was nice to talk to someone.  plus, i like practicing my spanish with strangers because i'm not as embarrassed around them.  towards the end of the night he told me "you're really different."  and i'm like uhhhh, ok.  but i don't know he said it was interesting that i was so different than the american girls he knew.... i'm more interested in international stuff, and orphanages (haha) and less in material stuff....etc.  i don't know, of course i KNOW i'm different.  but having someone tell me that in such a positive way, and the fact that he took long enough to get to know that side of me..... it made me feel good.  as i think back on the guys i've dated and stuff, none of them really CARED about that side of me.  or like humberto pretty much just ignored it.  or made fun of it.  so i don't know.  i feel good tonight, knowing that at least someone cares.  maybe if i ever find someone new i will look for someone who cares about the person that i am deep inside, and not just whether or not they think i'm pretty.  but right now i don't want anyone new.  what a horrible feeling to only want the one person who doesn't love me and never will again.
monday, april 14th, 2003.  11:57pm
well i can fairly tell you that today SUCKED.  i have two research paper rough drafts due tomorrow as well as one of those horrible geography tests.  i'm going to explode and i'm sooo tired.  i think i'll just screw studying for geography.  So yeah i've basically been working on my papers nonstop all day.  i took a half hour for lunch and an hour for dinner, but besides that i've been working since 1:30 this afternoon.  i didn't really finish, but good enough for rough drafts, i figure.   

I had lunch today with Ivet, who is also Humberto's ex-girlfriend.  let me tell you, that was fun.  actually the whole reason we even started talking about him was that Florencia came to say hi and her boyfriend came up behind her and they were being all cute.... Ivet said "ohhh i want a boyfriend."  and i said "so do i!" and Florencia looked at me and said "Where's your boyfriend?"  So i had to explain to her that we broke up like a month ago (This i swear is becoming a daily occurence).  Then they were talking about getting new boyfriends and said something about the fact that i must be too picky.  "I can't be picky, i dated Humberto.... wait, so did you!"  i said to Ivet.  It was interesting to compare stories, even they went out for like barely a month.  I don't know, it makes me feel better that someone can understand the messed up issues and immaturity  i'm dealing with, like the obsession with his friends and stuff, especially since she's from Chile, too and knows his friends better than anyone i think. 

Anyway, i dont know, things have been hard for me lately humberto-wise.  maybe because i'm so swamped with schoolwork that i don't have the energy to oh-so-effectively repress my emotions.  Anyway, maybe one of these days he'll actually talk to me in person and we'll be able to be friends.  i'm not holding my breath, but i really hope so.
thursday, april 17th, 2003.  4:40pm
i keep thinking today's friday.  wishful thinking i suppose.  we were going to play soccer at the rec center this afternoon.  thursdays are the only day they have something scheduled so we can't.  oh well maybe tomorrow.  cecilia and i went and kicked the ball around for awhile after we worked out on tuesday.  it was so much fun.  i really miss soccer even though i suck at it.  ok check this out:
how would you like to be this girl?  let me tell you, it's not easy having a ridiculously big smile that you can't control.  people comment EVERY time i have to use my card to pay for something.  "why were you so happy?"  They don't understand, that's just my smile!  some people do cute little closed mouth smiles in pictures.  i'm not that lucky.  well hopefully you all get a kick out of that.
friday, april 18th.  2003.  4:56pm
it's finally friday.  i can't believe it.  and i finally caught up on my sleep.  i didnt fall asleep until late last night, but i woke up at 11.  then i went to one class, had lunch, and went back to bed at one and i just woke up 10 minutes ago.  aaaaahhhh i finally don't feel tired.  it's great.

last night at the gym i screwed up.  it was thursday, so it was soccer day and as we know that means humberto was there.  but i forgot to think about him while i was working out in order to burn off all the emotions i have surrounding him.  then when i was leaving i stopped at a table outside the soccer court to put my sweatshirt on and fix my hair.  as i watched him i suddenly thought: "
he seems like a stranger now.  is that really the guy i loved so much and spent almost all of my time with for over 5 months?  the one that meant everything to me?  why is he a stranger now?" i cried the whole way back to the dorms.... which really isn't that far.  i prayed that no one would be in my room so i could cry for real.  but of course cecilia and lisa were here.  i had tried to dry my eyes as much as possible.  they still could tell my eyes were red.  i told them it was from the cold.  i was late to meet jon to see the spanish movie, Lucia y el Sexo in the Student Union Building.... so i had to take my shower quickly and i barely had time to cry there.  The movie was good and i stayed and chatted with jon and kyle and caroline afterwards.  when i got back cecilia wasn't home.  i had known that she was going out.  i goofed around a bit on the computer, brushed my teeth and washed my face, had a 2 minute conversation online with humberto.  i finally turned out the lights and got into bed around 1.  i immediately crumpled into the fetal position and started sobbing.  i haven't cried like that over him in so long.  every time i think i'm doing better, i'm actually doing worse.  i seriously have never had this much trouble getting over a guy.  i feel so pathetic.  and ridiculous.  i feel like this will never end.  i didnt fall asleep until 2.  I finally exhausted myself crying, and sleep came easily after that.

after midnight (but i still consider it friday)
i have this way of making really bad decisions.  tonight i went to a Latino Night dance at the SUB.  i had a lot of fun actually.  i danced (however badly it may have been) and giggled and stuff with my friends cause a couple of my "crushes" were there.  but towards the end i looked up and saw Dario... and froze.  he hangs out with humberto and crew a lot.  then i saw randy.  uh oh.  but maybe he came alone like last saturday.  nope, then i saw humberto and the rest of them.  i freaked, calmed down, and kept dancing for a long time, just ignoring him and having fun with my friends.  once, though, when we were pretty sure humberto could see, nancy threw me into dancing with her friend, this random guy whose name i dont know.  he was really nice it was funny though cause neither of us can dance.  but he spun me around and stuff a few times and it made me feel mischevious.  after a long time of avoiding and ignoring humberto i decided this was ridiculous... that i was going to ask him to dance.  and i did.  i dont know where i got the guts to do that.  we danced awkwardly and talked equally as awkwardly for about 2 songs.  then i said "i really miss dancing with you" and he said "me too" and pulled me closer and we danced really closely for awhile....at first i thought it was just dancing but then i realized that he kept squeezing my hip, like a little hug you know?  and i would squeeze his shoulder to return it.  when one of the songs ended i hugged him really hard.  i didnt want this to ever end.  i kissed him on the cheek and then was like "oh sorry." he kissed my cheek back.  we ended up slow dancing really close, just hugging and moving, even though the song wasn't really slow.  we kept digging our faces into eachothers necks and shoulders, hugging and kissing eachother's cheeks.  oh it felt so good but so frustrating at the same time.  the dance ended and his friends were leaving.  he looked at me, hugged me, kissed my cheek and left.  leaving me completely and utterly confused.  and sad.  i dunno.  i can tell myself a hundred times that it probably didnt mean anything... he had been drinking... etc.  but i know it's not true and i know that i'll never convince myself.  i feel like crap.  i almost feel like i'm repeating myself from a month ago when i was so confused by him because he seemed so upset to be breaking up.  i truly don't understand him and all i really want is to be with him, to dance like that with him again and never let go.
saturday, april 19th, 2003.  11:59pm
well dammit. i seem to get all the shit life has to offer.  later last night, humberto got online and said how nice it was to dance with me.  i said yeah, but it just made me more sad and miss him more.  he said he really misses me too and that he was about to kiss me but didn't want to hurt me again.  i asked if since we both miss eachother, if we could get back together, but take things less seriously and have more of our own lives.  he said he didn't know, that he'd think about it and that we'd talk today.  he told me to call him.  so he has conveniently not been home all day.  and i'm so confused because he was seriously being so sweet last night.  but then it comes back to the whole "i don't know how drunk he was" thing.  but he's the kind of person who is the most honest when he's drunk.  i'm so confused.  and i want to know WHY he hasn't been around for me to talk to him before i start hating him for it.  i've been on edge all day... waiting and hoping.  and he hasn't even bothered to be around.  i feel so foolish for always ending up in these situations.  i really want to be with him and it's killing me not knowing.  although as nancy pointed out, his not being around is an answer it itself.  but SUCH a cowardly one.  my heart feels like it breaks over and over again every day.  sometimes i wonder how i'm going to be able to handle it.  why am i so stupid?
sunday, april 20th, 2003.  11:59pm.  Easter Sunday.
well apparently my ex boyfriend is a big baby.  which i always knew, but the fact is becoming more and more evident as he blatantly avoids me.  he's even gone as far as to block me on msn, which is stupid because he didnt block my roomate.  i'm really fed up. and everyone tells me to just forget him and move on, which is what i SHOULD do, but i can't move on with this unresolved thing.  i know already that he'll use the "i was drunk" excuse even though i know he's more honest when he's drunk.  i mean, what can i do.... force him to be with me?  no.  but we still need to talk about what happened, and we need to just start talking to eachother regardless, you know?  i don't know WHAT his problem is, but it's becoming ridiculous.... and i FEEL ridiculous for being trapped right now. 

haha on a more happy note, apparently this guy in one of my classes that i'm kind of friends with had a sex dream about me.  i went down to the basement today with cecilia, randy, carla, i�igo and mariangi.... the last four had come over really drunk.....cecilia and i had gone to bed really early, but then monica called so we woke up and since we're both depressed about guys we went to get chocolate cake.  randy came into the cafeteria drunk and giggling and said they were all in our room causing trouble.  so anyway after we came upstairs we all went down to the basement to play pool but i saw that guy (ill spare him the embarrassment of putting his name here) and my friend janet eating pizza so i went over to chat with them cause i enjoy their company more than that of drunken pool players.  the first thing he said was "i had a dream about you" and i was like "ooooh what kind of dream".... not really thinking that it would be a sex dream.  (oh man my dads gonna have a heart attack reading this).   haha it was really embarassing but kind of amusing.  he was like "yeah i woke up from it and went to class and saw you there, it was so weird... and i was just like 'WHAT?  nicole???'"  i was just kind of like "hey, what's wrong with me???"  haha but i understand that it was random.  i'm just kind of amused by the whole thing. 
APRIL 2003
tuesday, april 22nd, 2003.  11:48pm
i hate him.  i hate him.  i hate him.

i officially hate the bastard.  it seems like thats what he wants, the way he acts towards me.  sunday i scolded him on cecilias computer for blocking me.  yesterday morning when i got out of the shower this message was on my screen from him "hey nicole i just wanted to say sorry for everything but i'm not going to talk to you anymore.  the other day i said things that i don't feel and what's more, the next day i didn't even remember what i said to you.  but the truth is i don't miss you nor do i feel anything for you.  ciao."  that's like an exact translation. what?? he's not going to TALK to me because HE fucked up and thinks he can just run away from it?????  the night before randy promised me he'd deliver humberto to the commons at 1:30 monday so i could talk to him.  unfortunately, after humbertos cowardly message i had no urge whatsoever to speak with him.  but i did.  jon was eating lunch with me.  and i decided to go talk to humberto.  i sat down next to him and he wouldnt even look at me.  i told him how he can't just ignore me, that he has to deal with what he did, etc.  he said "ok.... i don't even remember."  i said i'll accept his excuse about being drunk and not remembering even though i don't believe it.... that i just want him to talk to me about it, that he can't just run away from what he screwed up.  i asked him to PLEASE respond to me as he sat there staring at me blankly (he hates arguing/discussing anything).  he said "i don't have anything to say."  i was dying, so frustrated.  i said "Fine."  (I almost said "FUCK YOU THEN" but i decided against it) and got up and went and sat down with jon again.  i just sat there trying to gather myself and not cry.  i knew humberto could still see me. i didn't even want to touch my burrito. jon suggested we go outside and finish eating.  what a lifesaver.  the fresh air helped me regain my composure.  when i went home, though, i crumpled into the fetal position on my bed and bawled my eyes out until i fell asleep.  i slept for 3 hours.  anyway, i'm telling this whole story to show much hatred i feel for humberto in this instant and although it feels terrible, maybe that's what i needed to get over him?  or at least move on.  he's said some mean things about me to cecilia.  which bothers me.... makes me sad because he probably says it to everyone.  i didnt want things to end like this either.  you should never end up hating eachother.  hating someone is so stressful too.  i make it a policy not to hate people.  usually i can strongly dislike but i will not hate.  but today i need to be able to say i hate him.  i won't hate him forever... because it wears on me to hate him.  and i don't need him stressing me out even when he's completely out of my life. 

12:36am.

i just read my guestbook. 
FUCK YOU HUMBERTO I HATE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE.  motherfucker.
wednesday, april 23rd, 2003. 7:49pm.
i have calmed down since yesterday.  it's just that i didn't know he had the ability to be so cruel and hurtful.  but i guess now i really know who he is.  and i'm done. 


11:21pm.
sometimes i wish i was one of those really pretty, striking girls.  but i don't kow, then i think... what's the point?  why would i want to spend so much time on hair and makeup and clothes?  what for?  to convince people that i'm pretty?  no thanks.  cecilia said today that just like hot people that have bad personalities can seem ugly, unattractive people that have good personalities can seem attractive.  i dunno.  it's a nice thought.

friday, april 25th, 2003.  4:18pm
yesterday afternoon was super hectic.  i signed up for all my classes yesterday with no problems.  i had to go see my advisor first... but since i have a double major she made me go see the latin american studies advisor, who is also my history teacher, as well.  what i thought would take ten minutes took like an hour.  first i had to wait forever to see the first advisor, then the second wanted to know everything i have done and plan to do... PLUS, since i've applied to study abroad in cuba next semester, we talked about that forever as well.  it really was encouraging though, it seemed like he actually cared about how everythings working out for me here.  next i had to go get the override  to take 400 level classes taken off of my account which took even more time.  but when i signed up none of the classes i wanted were full so i was actually very satisfied with the outcome.

tonight there's a party.  i think everyone will be there.  including people i'd rather not see.  but i'm going to have fun anyway.  i'm determined to.  i'm not letting my life change because someone wants to be mean to me. i'm gonna have a blast tonight if it's the last thing i do!!!

tonight after the party (4:08am)

i had a lot of fun.  it was a good party.  maybe not as good as the last one those girls had, but i think the last one was so fun because i was so in love that i didnt notice anyone in the room besides him.  anyway i think we both did our best to make eachother jealous, although he was so wasted he probably didnt notice what was going on anyway.  i met this really nice guy who was incredibly sweet to me.  but i don't know.  he kept swearing up and down that he just wanted to be friends, that he wasn't trying to hit on me.... but well he was.  it was flattering but i'm just so afraid of guys now.  i don't know every time i think about dating a guy, i just picture everything i've gone through with relationships, especially this last one... and it just terrifies me.  i don't want to go through this ever again.  its hard because really inside i kept thinking how much i miss that feeling of just being with someone.  but i don't want to date just anyone just to have that feeling.  it's so hard.  i'm just so scared right now, it's so weird, i never realized it.  why did he have to be so mean?  i'm so afraid someone will be that mean to me again.... i don't even want to take risks anymore.  i feel like hiding or disappearing forever.
sunday, april 27th, 2003.  7:56pm.
like cecilia always says... me cago en leche.  i feel like such a jumbled up, confused, un-motivated mess.  i have so much homework but the only thing i'm motivated to do is work out so ill get skinny.  but then i get so sad over stuff that i eat a cheeseburger, fries, and ice cream for dinner.  i'm a walking contradiction.  and this time that's not a good thing.  my stomach hurts, i feel like i'm going to throw up.  i'm confused and awkward, sleep deprived even though all i do is sleep.... the circles under my half-open eyes.... they just don't belong there.  i wish i could sleep more but then i would feel guilty for sleeping when i could be working on homework.  but even when i'm awake i don't do homework. like somehow my geography grade will just pull itself up or something.  who knows.  all i know is i want to crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and never come out.  i just want to hide, disappear, be alone.  alone alone alone.  that's the one thing i can't have.  i'm only alone in the shower but that's only for like 10 minutes.  then i have to step back into reality again.  oooh how i hate reality.

12:36am
i feel better now.  i went to a movie, stopped feeling sick... even had fun, heaven forbid.  it's nice to go out sometimes.  i guess i don't always need to be alone.  it's good to make friends.  i think that's really what i need right now anyway.
tuesday, april 29th, 2003.  5:44pm
sometimes i feel like maybe i should stop writing here.  times like now, when i'm worried about who will read it and what they'll think.... it's not a pleasant feeling.  i'm technically keeping this journal for myself, almost like therapy.  but when the things i feel and think are scrutinized, when what i say because i want to say it is attacked....especially by someone i used to think the world of.... i just feel like.... why am i doing this?  this is supposed to be the story of my life.  so why am i allowing the fear of who may be reading it stop me from writing down every single tiny thought and feeling i have, even if it's regarding them?? 

i kept thinking...ok i'm just not going to write about him anymore.  but then he gets what he wants.  and moreover, it's impossible to not write about him, because it's impossible to not think about him.... even though i wish i could stop because it's not worth feeling like this.  i love how i got all that "i just don't want to hurt you, nicole" shit forever and then WHAM he attacks me purposely IN ORDER TO HURT ME just because he's mad that i have a little voodoo doll of him that a friend made me as a joke to make me feel better after we broke up.  i wish i could stop thinking, stop writing about that motherfucker.  but i just can't.

12:11am
why can't i just listen to other people?  sometimes they really do know best, even if i don't want to admit it.  its been over a week since i talked to humberto.  why did i have to go and ruin it now?  because it kills me that he ignores me.  but WHY??  i hate that motherfucker.  but the thing is i dont even hate him.  i hate him because i love him... because what he does to me means so much more than what it would mean if it were some random person.  and why do i still freakin' love him anyway?  he's horrible to me.  he treats me like i am the scum on the street.... the nasty dirty gum you peel from your shoe in a desperate effort to get rid of it.  and here i still am.  pathetic little nicole clinging to the good memories and dying for him to magically realize that he still loves me.  for what?  so he can continue treating me like that fucking gum?  ooooh!  i'm so sick of this.  i wish i had never met him.  being that in love with him was't worth this.  i don't think anything is worth this.  i'm never dating again.  they all do this to me.  this time is just by far the worst.  i'm so tired of it.  soooooo tired.
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