thursday, october 2nd, 2003.  11:44pm
i don't really know what to say.  It's just one of those times right now where i'm floating through life without actually realizing that life is happening to me.  Sometimes things around me seem almost dreamlike.... and unreal.  i'm not sure what's happening to me but it can't be good.  i feel really lonely.  casi no tengo a nadie.  i find it more and more difficult to express myself, also.  sometimes i think spanish and english should be combined so that i can choose from words and phrases that more easily express my thoughts.  i don't feel appreciated here.  except maybe by a couple professors.  college is such a superficial time and place.  everyone's here to impress everyone else.  no one cares about anything except that.  i try that sometimes but then i feel let down by people's reactions to who i really am... the second impressions.  what??  i don't like rap??  how could that be???  PUNK music, who listens to THAT?  i mean, seriously people.  are you always going to follow?  spend your whole lives following in what music to listen to, what your car should look like, how you should talk, how you should dress?  why doesn't anyone realize there is more to life than this?  and why cant i fit in anywhere?
sunday, october 5th, 2003.  11:29pm
This weekend was a bit more relaxed... which is good.  But i was having issues too.  Friday night i was just SO depressed.  i didnt really have anything to do so i went to bed early... Denice was supposed to call me but i wasn't sure she would remember so i figured i could wake up if she did and otherwise just sleep.  around 10:30 though, my roomate came home.  He ALWAYS turns on his music with the bass really loud when he knows i'm sleeping.  i dont care if it was Friday night or not!  i want some respect no matter what.  i don't get any from him and he treats me like i don't even live there.  i got up, furious, and pulled on a sweatshirt and grabbed a book.  i went out, yelled at him, yelled at forrest for interfering, and left, slamming the door.  someone said "yeah go get some ass!" and i yelled "FUCK OFF" from outside.  i seriously hate living there.  the solution of couse would be to cut the cord to that damned subwolfer.  then everything would be fine... and i would not have a place to live....

anyway, i went to the sub because thats the only place i have to go, and studied.  the mexican dance i had half decided not to go to was upstairs but i stayed downstairs.  i talked to Fransisco who works at the front desk for awhile, then when he turned all the lights off downstairs i had to go upstairs.  i saw a couple people i know... including the fucker from last friday.  its so funny... when he sees me he pretends i'm invisible.  hahaha.  anyway, i left at midnight when the sub was about to close but before the dance ended and went home.  i was miserable at home... i dont know why.  i just sat there and cried then got ready for bed.  forrest came in around 1230 and told me Denice had called as soon as i stormed out of the house.  i called her back and she told me to go over to her friends' apartment over at Hawthorne cause she was at a party there.  i went, but by the time i got there she had left, along with all the people i would have known there.  i felt ridiculous.  i didnt know what to do.  i sat on a step for a few minutes, hoping she would appear.  she didnt.  one of the guys that lives over there saw me and i meekly asked if he had seen her.  he said no but to feel free to go in and have fun.  i was like... great.  i asked a few more people and went inside again to look for her.  she was definitely not there.  i went back out to the patio.  this really nice guy introduced himself to me, saying he had seen me before.  i told him my ordeal and he told me he had seen denice leave right before i came.  i told him i didnt know anyone there and he said "no problem, i'll introduce you" and he introduced me to some of his friends that were out on the patio too.  once he found out i spoke spanish he wouldnt speak to me in english.  then he introduced me to a guy that DOESNT speak english, so i actually got to practice my spanish too.  after awhile the novelty of the spanish-speaking
guera wore off i think and i was pretty much back to square one.  that's when i gracefully went home.  i'm never riding my bike in the dark to that area of town again.  its so dangerous, there's no lights! 

as for saturday, i didnt do much of anything.  i went on a shopping spree....something i never do.  honestly i hate shopping.  spending money stresses me out and i'm so oblivous i dont know what is fashionable and what isn't.  i set out with the intent of buying a nice shirt.  i knew i was going to have to put myself out there a little bit.  it was scary and i felt like there were too many people shopping around me... "watching" me.  i ended up at the Bon where they were having a huge sale.  it was too huge to pass up.  i got 3 beautiful dresses for less than half price, 2 shirts, and a pair of capri khakis.  all for 60 bucks.  that's a lot of money to me, but i bought $186 worth of clothes.  now, i realize i already have too many clothes so ive decided to get rid of 2 things for every one thing i bought.  sound like a plan?  i think so.  anyway, i also saw that fucker from last friday on saturday.  with his GIRLFRIEND.  he saw me and walked the other way.  it made me laugh really hard inside.  besides that on saturday i just hung around my house, admired my cute neighbor, and went to Denice's to watch Lifetime movies with her and Jessica.  i had actually a very fun weekend, and it was very low stress... almost boring which is great for a change. 

as for the results from last saturday... kissing the drunk guy.... thats not so good.  i still haven't heard from him.  denice says he was really drunk.  she says he hasnt said anything about me... which means he hasn't said anything bad... but which also means he doesn't care.  it hurts.... but i'm wondering if i'm starting to learn my lesson yet.  to get hurt by HIM... that's worse than by that horrible guy from Boise or that fucker from last friday night.  i actually liked this guy for awhile before i kissed him.  and it  turned out badly... do you think i'll learn my lesson yet?  who knows.  maybe i'll never kiss a drunk guy again at least?  who knows.
tuesday, october 7th, 2003.  11:48pm
jaime called yesterday afternoon.  i was so happy.  seriously sometimes i wonder why i keep up my endless search for guys here when i know i have him.  i think in a way i'm afraid... because he's not like the Mexican-Americans i meet.  he doesn't even speak english... he is purely part of another culture... and i've done that whole thing before.  i think it is definitely unfair to decide that all guys of different cultures will act like humberto... but it worries me.  after that ended, i decided that inter-cultural relationships don't work.  i think that was obviously in reaction to all the unnecessary pain i was subjected to.... but at the same time, why try unsuccessfully to deal with someone who doesnt understand where i am coming from again?  i mean, all the nice things that Jaime says or writes to me.... humberto used to say those things too.  how do i know that it wont change like it did last time?  how do i recover to the point of being able to put myself out there again?  why havent i recovered yet????  Another obvious reason i havent dropped my quest for a guy is that Jaime lives far away... and i never see him.... and i don't want a relationship like that.  i honestly don't know if we'll ever be given a chance to be together.  but who knows.  it makes me really happy to talk to him and to know that someone, somewhere actually CARES about me and likes me for exactly who i am. 
thursday, october 9th, 2003.  10:27pm.
half of the grade in my human rights in latin america class is based on this big end-of-the-year project.  as a class we get to decide what that thing is.  we were given the option of a take home final, a paper, a project, etc.  my class has elected to do a big group project which would be presented on Human Rights Day in december.  i loathe group projects and quite actually i would be much more interested in writing a research paper.  i think my attitude comes from several factors.  the first, which i have already stated, is that i loathe group projects.  this is because i usually end up either a) doing everything and being pissed about it or b) doing nothing and feeling guilty about it.  Also, this class project seems to be geared in the Activism direction.... something i'm definitely not into at this point in my life.  i want to acquire as much knowledge as possible before i go off spouting it to people and trying to persuade them.  i don't know... i may never reach that point either.  i think i can change the world (or at least lives)  in other ways.  i also think i have a bad feeling about groups who go around trying to make everyone think like them.  it seems that in an area such as human rights this might be ok.... but i still struggle with the idea of human rights activism because i think people don't always use cultural relativism in their world views.  how can we, from one culture, determine the morals that should be in place in another?  it seems kind of shady and wrong to me. 

right now... i feel like i'm learning so much so fast, but at the same time there is still so much more left to know... it is extremely overwhelming to want to know everything.  and how do you know what is truth?  everything in life is biased, how do i know what is truth and what is manipulated to make one thing sound better than another?  is anything really truth?  or does human nature just cause people to always manipulate things for their own gain?  it's hard, realizing we live in such a.... corrupt world when i feel so idealistic about the way things could be if everyone was just honest and good.  i guess i can't even really say that i am completely honest and good.  but my heart is good, and i try.  when am i going to stop thinking so heavily and be a normal college student?  perhaps never... but i never wanted to be average anyway.  what is normal, anyway?
sunday, october 12th, 2003.  9:06pm
i fell off my bike today on my way home from work.  it was horrible.  i was right in front of the 76 station and i went up one of those handicap sidewalk cutouts, but it was raised a little, and i was only holding the handlebars with one hand and since i hit the bump at an angle i went flying.  i had an Icee in my other hand and when i hit the sidewalk it got all over me.  its still on my face.  the whole thing happened in slow motion... and it HURT so badly.  i kind of laid there whimpering for a few minutes.  i was confused at what had just happened, and i was in pain.... and i just wanted to disappear.  i got up and rearranged myself.  several people asked if i was ok.  i wanted to say "NOOOOO" and burst into tears but i laughed it off and went home.  i called my mom as soon as i got home though, i needed someone to whine to.  my injuries consist of:  a scraped/severely bruised inner knee, scraped/bruised elbow, and much discomfort in my ribs, under my arm.  i cant take deep breaths.  i'm kind of worried...  but i dont want to go to the doctor unless i absolutely have to because obviously i would need an xray and those are expensive.  we'll see i guess.  hopefully it will feel better tomorrow. 

last night i volunteered at the Latino Iberian Festival 2003.  my job was selling tickets outside the door.  the one drawback.... tickets were already sold out before the day of the event.  soooo we sold tickets that didnt include food or seating.  just imagine the fury of some of the people!!!  i didnt sign up to deal with that!!!  sorry ma'am but you should have bought your ticket sooner!  it's not my fault, it's yours!  anyway... it was a good time... i got to see a lot of people i havent seen in awhile.  i was told to dress up, also, so i wore the cutest of my new dresses, and really good makeup, and these cute dangly earrings, and perfume.... i felt like a girl!!!  the best part is, while walking the block from my house to the SUB this car full of guys honked and rolled down their window and were whistling at me.  that hasnt happened in so long!  i was so confused... i thought "do i know them or something???"  oooh dear.  but yeah.  i saw various guys that have wronged me at the festival and hoped that seeing me like that made them regret it.  i'm so secretly evil.  anyway, it was a good time and i still was home by 11:00 so i got a lot of rest.

i talked to Jaime this morning. every time i talk to him i miss him more.  it's beginning to be serious.  i almost don't want anyone else now.  yet i refuse to have a long distance relationship.  i'm so weird.  it just seems so impossible i guess.  who knows. 
monday, october 13th, 2003.  10:27pm
today was really miserable.  sometime in the middle of the night i awoke and realized my whole body hurt.  this morning when the alarm went off, i could barely get out of bed.  my whole body is just reeling from my dumb accident yesterday.  i keep finding more and more bruises, and my arms and back are just dead.  also the muscles on the left side of my abdomen are dying.  i have a really deep bruise on the tip of my left hip bone, and in addition to the nasty bruise on my knee, my other leg has a large deep bruise on the thigh.  those are just to name a few.  my ribs dont really hurt anymore, that area's just a little stiff.  i felt miserable all day and just wanted to cry.  actually, i did go home and lie on the couch for an hour or so watching Pretty Woman, not moving at all.  then i went to bed and cried in bed until i fell asleep.  it's so weird how this pain makes me feel when im sleeping.  it makes me feel like i'm dead.  like so heavy....almost drugged.  i cried because i felt so incredibly pathetic... because it hurt so badly and because i had no one to hold me and comfort me.  i have some advil in me now so the pain isn't quite as unbearable but please dont ask me to use my arms for anything.  all from falling off my stupid bike.  who knew.  when i went to my 5:00 class i had just gotten out of bed, i felt like a big ball of crap, and i had had to ride my bike up the hill to the admin building, and then i had to climb all those stairs.  i walked into the room, a sad, pathetic look on my face, and limped to my desk.  the guy next to me looked at me and said "are you ok???"  it was embarassing to have to explain myself but he was very sympathetic and actually assumed that a car had hit me or run me off the road.  did i look that bad?? eee!  haha.  no.... i fell all by myself.  even better, eh?  anyway, im going to post a picture of my worst bruise, the one on the inside of my right knee.  its gross.  haha.
tuesday, october 14th, 2003.  10:37pm
hmmmm.  i dont feel that today has been the best of days.  i've had this headache all day.  its taking over my whole head.  also, i felt really sick to my stomach off and on today.  i dunno, just not good.  i went to the SUB after my classes to read but i felt so ill i came back and ate dinner and took a nap.  for 3 hours.  the whole time i was sleeping i felt crappy.  i still do.  but at least i'm not as tired. 

today my history class was awesome.  we started out the class just talking about current events.  my teacher is this awesome leftist guy and i love going to his classes just to hear his world views.  we got around to the US-Cuba issue and people started making false statements about communism.  now, half the class is like me, except more outspoken and you should have seen the debates.  it was great. when this older faculty member in the class said "all communist regimes are hungry" this one girl shot up her hand and said "didn't you watch that video last week?  the mother of that family from cuba said while they were there the kids never went hungry!  sure, they didn't get a choice of 5,000 different kinds of canned vegetables, but they were fed!"  then people brought up North Korea.  but then the response was that we have to differentiate between communism and the regimes.  just because one ruler who claimed to be communist was a nutcase, should we really decide that he defines communism?  it was a very interesting class.  after we finished all of our debates we talked about Guatemala from 1945-1954, and the U.S. backed coup that ended all of the progressive things that we happening... then the civil war.  we're reading this book called
Bridge of Courage by Jennifer Harbury, and it is such an eye-opener.  I'm always against the use of violence.  but reading this book makes me realize that the guerillas in Guatemala TRIED peaceful means first to solve the issues facing the indigenous peoples.  labor unions, indigenous rights movements, education...  but they were accused of being subversives and the military government proceeded to wipe out whole villages, torturing and killing anyone with progressive thinking.  at least 400 Indian villages were "disappeared" and at least 150,000 people were killed.  that's genocide.  it amazes me that our country SUPPORTED a government that could do these things.  and it can't be denied.  you can tell me "well let's look at the other side of the story"  and i would be happy to.  but there is no denying what happened in Guatemala.  and El Salvador and Chile and Argentina, just to name a few.  i just struggle so much with this government, this capitalist ideal that we have and that we defend no matter what the cost, no matter how many human lives must be sacrificed in order to keep people down.  how can we just look the other way forever?  how can we go into the middle east and say we're "saving" a people from a government with such a bad human rights record, when we gladly support others that are arguably even worse?  what kind of hypocrites run this country?  it makes me so angry.  i hate it.
wednesday, october 15th, 2003.  11:16pm
well.  i think i am finally almost recovered from my accident.  i must admit that i am quite the hypochondriac and i was quite worried that my recovery may take awhile.  the only thing that still gets me is how the cold hurts the bruise on my knee.  its more colorful now... but it looks like it's getting better.  it looks so mild in that picture i posted!  my arms only barely hurt now which is the best part.  before it was the most painful endeavour just to take a sweatshirt off.  i even went to the gym today.  810 calories!  actually i had finished with my usual 50 minutes when i decided to just do a really slow 20 minutes so i could watch the end of Sorority Life.  this is sad, isn't it?  the thing is i don't have cable at home...which means anything more than a fuzzy PBS.  i never get a chance to veg out and watch all the mindless tv there is out there... just for a break, you know?  it's funny though... i almost miss the good old days when i could stay at the gym forever, easily doing over 1000 calories.... just because i was so upset, hurt, distraught over that whole tragedy.  it's not that i miss feeling like that... i just miss the dedication to the gym that came out of it.  i am certainly happy that now i go there more to watch tv than to get out all of my tortured emotions.  i remember thursdays were the worst... soccer night... when he was there.  that's when i would work out the hardest.  sometimes i think it still is.... but not to that extent.  i think i have come a long way.  i'm not claiming to be over it... i dont know how i am ever supposed to BE over it.  but it is nice to not feel that pang in my heart now when i see him.... and to know that actually i need to be with someone who shares my same values.  we all know how passionate i am about them!  its sad... it's still a really hard thing... but i feel it becoming easier little by little. 

i know it's not appealing to whine... but i'm just so... disappointed in my living situation.  i feel like i live in a freakshow or something.  they're always drinking, there's always random people over, i swear forrest might as well be our roomate, they're all always up at all hours being drunk or pursuing some girl or watching some movie or all three at once.  don't these people have lives??  i am the youngest of all of them... why am i the most serious?  it doesnt make sense.  i mean, i'm not against having a good time... but i feel like it should be contained.... for me, i like to have a good time on weekends.  i even look forward to weekends for that.  but what happens when you do it every day?  doesn't it get old?  what else do you do with your life?  thankfully at least matt can usually tell when i'm irritated or there is potential for me to become irritated.  i swear i love him like a brother.  he definitely looks out for me and its nice to know that at least occasionally someone is on my side.  i feel like the rest of them are just out to make me their amusement.  i can deal with joking around... matt jokes around with me all the time.  but some people just cross the line and don't realize when to shut up....even if told that their jokes offend me.  i suppose i'm tired of being the one to laugh at.  luckily i'm only here for 2 more months.  then cuba.... then boise. 

i'm scared of boise more than anything else.  what will i do when i get there?  i know part of me thinks i just need to get away from here, then i'll be happy.  but i can't keep running away forever.  i wouldnt go there if it weren't for the Bilingual Education program there.  it's a big city, and the school is more of a commuter school, less of a community.  how will i ever make friends there?  i am so afraid of being alone.  i'm so alone right now... and at least i know A FEW people here.  can you imagine starting all over?  unfortunately i will have to, i dont have a choice.  bilingual education is what im passionate about.  THAT's what i want to do. i've never been so sure of anything in my life.  so i guess i'll just keep putting myself out there until eventually i can settle down.  IF i can settle down.
monday, october 20th, 2003.  12:34pm
my mom came to visit this weekend.  it was nice to have someone to like my mom to talk to.  i tell her everything i think.  we went out to dinner with Noe on friday, it was really fun to have good conversation. and this little girl at the next table was like watching me the whole time.... i think it's because i can be kind of animated.  on saturday we went to spokane.  we went to costco, a couple malls, and olive garden.  it was a nice relief... i can't explain it... i just felt like i was in CIVILIZATION again.  i mean, moscow's fine but there is nothing.  and its all the same type of people:  college students.  in spokane the malls were full of people instead of silently dead....it was just a totally different environment and it made me feel almost like i had gone home or something. 

im trying to think of anything big that has happened since last wednesday.  hmm.  i saw a Danish movie called "Open Hearts" thursday night with mandeep.  then i had to stay up late doing research.  yuck.  that's about it.  oh yeah i talked to Jaime on the phone last night.  man i miss him so much more every time we talk... and i think about him all the time.  i might get to go home on the 7th... it would be great to see him.  i want him to meet my family too.  i don't know how that would go.... but thats just important to me i dont know.  i wish circumstances would permit me to have a boyfriend.  but im going to move around so much, its just not worth losing someone again.  i guess i'll just hope for the best.  i'm going to go eat lunch im starving.
tuesday, october 21st, 2003.  6:29pm
i finally got to the gym this afternoon to kick the soccer ball around.  i was so excited.  i went, got a soccer ball, went into the court, started to tie my shoes, and these two guys came in and kicked me out, saying there was "Whiffle Ball" at 4:00.  what the hell??  who plays that?  i had checked the schedule, the court was supposed to be open till 6.  it was 3:45.  the thing that irked me even more was that no whiffle ball action started until an hour after i had been kicked out.  i would have been done by then anyway!   i don't know, i've just been longing to kick to soccer ball around lately... practice some shooting and volleying and stuff.  i really do like soccer, i just dont like team politics.  it makes me laugh to think that i ever played a team sport.  more and more i feel like the most uncooperative person that exists.  i feel like i don't get along with anyone.  especially in groups.  i think this group project in my human rights class is getting to me.  anyway, i'm off to start a paper thats due on thursday. 
monday, october 27th, 2003.  1:08pm
i havent written in like a week because not because i have been busy, but i just havent gotten around to it.  nothing truly exciting or inspiring has happened for me to be leaping to the computer to write about it. 

anyway, so yeah things have been pretty low key around here.  i spent my weekend mostly at home, i went and watched a movie at mandeeps house on saturday and thats about it.  friday night i talked on the phone to my SISTER of all people.  i'm really confused by her.  she's spent so much time hating me and always yelling at me or just snubbing me that now that she suddenly talks to me i'm so confused!  i'm definitely not complaining though.  i would love for her to see that im not her evil sister and that i really care about her. 

last night my mom told me that the study abroad program i'm going through gave me a $1,500 scholarship.  i'm really thrilled to have finally gotten a scholarship which i had to apply for and stuff.  it makes me feel that maybe all this process really isnt a waste of time.  i applied for another one last night.  it's only $500 and they only give out one but i suppose every little bit counts.   i applied for one earlier that is $5,000 but they only give out one, and its through an HONOR SOCIETY, so i know there will be tons of people who are more qualified than i am....  i don't know, somehow i jsut really hope that something will set me apart.  they are announcing the winner on friday.  ahhhh! 

in other big news:  i got my test back from my Peoples of the World anthropology class.  i got the highest grade in the class.  i got 95%... this teacher drives me nuts cause you can never get 100% on everything.  so instead, i think getting the highest grade in the class is rewarding enough.  on my last test in my other anthropology class, Language and Culture, i got the third highest grade in the class.  for the first time in my life i feel smart.  i think i can attribute it to my photographic memory. 

i'm out.  i'm starving.
tuesday, october 28th, 2003.  3:36pm.
the weather here today is amazing.  first, when i went outside this morning i noticed it had rained and i almost went inside to get a coat when i realized it was warm.  it was a bit windy but not too bad.... it was actually really pretty to see all of the leaves blowing around in the sky.  but by the time i left my house again for my 2:00 class, the whole sky was foggy, but brown.  it didn't FEEL like it should be foggy.  i was confused.  i just passed it off as fog.  a girl in my class pointed out it was dust, which makes sense because all of the wheat fields here have just been harvested and all that's left in them is dust (its so dry here, it can't just be dirt).  it's just been getting worse all day, and the wind is incredible.  right now i have gritty things in my teeth and my eyes and throat are burning.  its such a phenomenon to me!

lets see... in other news.... hmm.  i dont think i have much.  i have to work tonight which sucks because it makes my day so long.  i've had a set schedule for like a month and suddenly my boss changed it.  it's like he knew i started riding the bus so then he scheduled me to work late enough that i cant do that anymore.  part of me is convinced that my boss hates me.  this is such an odd concept for me.  every boss i've ever had has adored me.  i have this work ethic that's really weird for a teenager.  ha, now there's an interesting subject.  yes, i am a teenager.  i'm 19.  i wont be 20 for over half a year.  everyone laughs at me when i refer to myself as a teenager because most people i know are in their early twenties.  although i am 19, i FEEL older, and i think i act older.  but a lot of people write me off as immature solely based on my age.  i know plenty of 23 year olds who are way less mature than i am.  it drives me nuts!!  isn't there a word like age-ism?? kind of like racism? 

ok whatever.  i have to admit that today's one of those days.  i feel i'm on the verge of change.  but im not sure what that will be. weird, huh?

10:29pm
what a night!!!  the storm got worse and worse, needless to say... and riding my bike to work (West) against the wind (going East) was the worst experience of my life i think.  i thought i would never get there.  and when i did, i was all dirty and there were globs of mud in my eyes from the dust.  it was horrible.  THEN while i was at work about a half hour before closing the power went out in the entire mall.  it was quite a stressful affair, but then another girl that works there, Aimee, showed up with her cell phone and called my boss and borrowed a flashlight from Radioshack.  she must've thought i was such a moron.  it's just that... where i'm from, when the lights go off they come on again a few minutes later.  i had just sat down and started to wait.  the lights still aren't on.  they're off at my house too.  aimee gave me a ride home, meaning i had to leave my bike at the mall.  i'll ride the bus there tomorrow in order to get it i think.  this means i have to walk to my classes tomorrow.  oh the torture.  getting home wasn't any less stressful.  everyone decided they needed to tell me not to open the refridgerator as if i didnt know that already.  come on people!  i'm young but i wasnt born yesterday!!!  i was just kind of in a bad mood and i didnt need to hear it.  then i freaking ask bo if he has a lighter, because he is sitting in the living room with all these candles lit and he says "no" and instead of telling me "ask matt, he's the one that lit them."  he just sits there refusing to tell me how the candles were lit.  i was ready to punch him.  i'm always ready to punch him.  grrr.  anyway here i am.  i want to study but theres so many people in the SUB!  i'd like to study at my kitchen table but apparently thats not an option either.  i mean, if i dont want to do it by candlelight.  plus i dont like being there. 
friday, october 31st, 2003. 12:43pm  Halloween.
it amazes me how quickly the weeks go by.  i feel like this week just started.  i guess that means the month and a half until i leave moscow will pass quickly, right?  it is so unbelievably cold here.  i can never get warm.  now i remember why i hated it so much last year.  i dont hate it now, it's just way too cold for me.  especially when i have to ride my bike to work.  thats just cruel.  at least its not stormy anymore.  the mall does this trick-or-treating thing where the kids go from store to store.  im doing that today.  exciting, huh?  i'm going to be a witch.  well, a half hearted witch, but one nonetheless.  i have a hat, a black dress, and a witch nose.  i might paint my face if i get really into it.  who knows.  besides that im not sure what ill do tonight.  i've kind of given up going out.  it's not that i dont want to, its just that i dont have anywhere to go.... besides, on weekends now i'm just so tired i dont even feel like going anywhere.  and after that one fiasco i'm not really interested in going out anymore.  i used to have motives that i no longer seem to have.  really, right now, i'm just really not that interested in going out and meeting guys.  it's not fun anymore.  i always get hurt.  i put myself in dumb situations.  besides, i feel like it's dumb when i know there's someone who cares about me so much back home.  speaking of which, i'm supposed to go home next weekend!  i hope the guy driving doesn't bail.  i'm so excited.  i know i'll be going home soon anyway for thanksgiving, but i just really want to go.  i want to go and eat a real dinner with my family, have a Big Town Hero sandwhich, and of course i want to see Jaime.  I know no one understands it.  they don't have to though. 
October 2003
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