| sunday, june 2nd, 2002. 10:51pm i went fishing today. well i didnt really fish. but we still "went fishing". chris and i went with tanya and rueben (i know i'm spelling that wrong) to Fishermen's Bend. It was so beautiful! it was a nice warm day and chris and rueben tried to catch fish while tanya and i laid in the sun on a blanket chatting about relationshiops. i really have never gotten outdoors much.... it's just not how my childhood worked... but now i appreciate that stuff more so it was really nice to get to go and sit outside in the sun and watch the river and just have some good relaxing times. i guess then by definition today was a good day. but no matter how mnay good days i have, when it comes down to it i always have this feeling that wont go away. that i am not in control of anything and that all i can do is just sit here and hopelessly let life happen to me. i hate that! that's now how things are supposed to work for ME! i'm nicole, who makes things happen. grr. wednesday, june 5th, 2002. 11:35pm well today was my last day of classes. wow. no more high school classes ever again. and no more B-day routine lunches at Subway. and no more gossiping with amy and brie in AP Euro. and no more Spanish class.... with everyone either hating me or asking me for help. no more spontaneous gatherings of friends in the parking lot. no more parking tickets. no more stupid dances. no more carefree life. but was it ever? everything is changing all around me and it just hasn't sunk in that this is it. so many things are ending and i just can't handle it anymore. i'm a basket case. i need to be in control of my life. can't anyone understand that? i noticed today how bubbly and oblivious and happy i can act, even in times of severe emotional stress. i can either depress everyone else by acting how i feel, or i can act like the person i WANT to be, even if i'm really not. saturday, june 8th, 2002. 12:30pm well it's all over. you're looking at a brand new graduate of sprague high school! yesssss!!! no more feeling so totally young cause i'm still in high school!! the sadness of the whole thing really hasn't kicked in for me. last night we had an all night party at the Courthouse (athletic club, not the place where you go to court), and i made sure to hug my friends before i left. it was kinda cool cause i even talked to people i don't know really well. it's kind of like the whole high school facade was just gone. it felt really awesome. anyway, i ended up staying through the whole thing (until 4:30am) because once you start playing black jack for fake money, it's kind of addictive. the whole point of it was to get money to buy tickets which entered you into a drawing for different things every half hour.... there were things like radios, phones, dvd players, tvs, microwaves.... etc. the BIG end prize was a DVD home theatre. its ok that i didnt win it though cause i dont think i'd really appreciate surround sound as much as a lot of the other people. besides, there was a drawing for cash prizes at the end of the night (the reason i stayed till 4:30) and i won 50 bucks!!!! whoa!!! now that might not seem like a whole bunch to other people, but WHOA!!! its a lot for me. my bank acount is boomin right now. like, i havent really gotten all that much money for graduation compared to other people, but it's still a lot to me. i feel rich. graduation is going to pay for my food and water in mexico. AH i leave for mexico in like 4 days! i'm going to piss my pants! i'm so nervous! and, actually i do have to use the bathroom. haha so i'm going to go do that and get ready for work! HA my last day of work! yes!!!! adios! 11:39pm no puedo hacer lo que necesito. no quiero hacerlo. pero tengo que hacerlo y mi corazon esta rompiendo. pero ahora, no voy a llorar. yo lloro demasiado y ahora voy a pensar del futuro. miercoles, voy a salir de aqui para chiapas, y entonces mi vida va a cambiar, y mejorar. quiero olvidar las cosas que me hagan llorar. pero tambien, no quiero olvidar nada porque todo que pasa es importante en mi vida, y para mi futuro. no se porque la vida es tan dificil para mi. la odio a veces. monday, june 10th, 2002. 11:52pm well to put it nicely i feel like shit. i feel like everything is falling apart and nothing makes me feel better. chris left today, my family's on my back... with good reason because i just can't get everything done.... my sister is constantly trying to take advantage of me at every possible opportunity, i'm trying to be in 15 million places at once, and i have managed to not get caught up on my sleep at all. wednesday night i leave for an overnight journey to southern mexico. AND THEN i will never get good sleep again. i honestly think i'm falling apart. i want to be in control. it's weird to me the extent to which i control nothing iny life now. i just get no say! my friends and family threw me a surprise going away party which was really awesome, i was totally surprised and i felt totally loved. i had absolutely no idea that they were doing that. the sad thing is that half of my friends knew about it but still made other plans. good thing julia told the youth group or no one would have come. i don't even care because the fact that anyone at all came made me feel really good. "it's not having what you want, but wanting what you've got." that's from this really poppy song they play on the radio, that i shouldnt like, but i really do. why am i such a basket case? i was thinking about how would i translate the term "basket case" into spanish, were i to use it while in chiapas. i can't think of any way to do it. i guess it would just be persona loca. but that doesnt even work. oh well. i should go to bed. i have a big day tomorrow. wednesday, june 12th, 2002. 3:04pm well i am about to leave for the airport. i'm 2 months. i'll be gone for 2 months. i am hoping that i will be able to write once or twice while i'm there but i'm not sure. gosh i wonder how much will change while i'm gone. hopefully my sister doesnt do something crazy and buy that stupid bright red el camino she wants. oh wow. that would be funny. oh well its only 2 months, not that much should happen. my grandma on my dad's side died this morning. it's really sad that she died, but the last time i saw her made me even more sad, because she just looked so... confused and miserable. all i could think was i hope i don't have to go through that. so i'm really sad that she's gone, and i know it's going to be really sad, and my grandpa sounds really bad too, but it helps to know that she finally gets to be happy again. i never really knew her that well, my clearest memory of her is that we were out to dinner with my dad's family once at some seafood restaurant where i remember i ordered fish and chips. this is the most random thing, but i remember that grandma came with me to the bathroom and the only open stall had like a seat cover and a whole bunch of toilet paper in it and i didnt know what to do. i clearly remember her bustling in and fixing it for me so i could use it. i really don't know why i remember that so vividly. i even remember that the bathroom was pink. my dad was trying to remember how she was when he was a kid the other day, and so that's what got me thinking about it in the first place. and in all honesty, that's the thing i can remember best. friday, june 14th, 2002. 6:27pm- chiapas time here i am! in mexico! its as beautiful as ever here in chiapas. i especially like the town that Hogar Infantil is in, Ocozocoautla, because its so green and beautiful! i have so much to say!! all i can say for now is i just love this place and how all the sweaty little kids are so darling to me, and the girls my age, yesterday when they got home from school found out which room was mine, knocked on the door, and when i opened it there were like 15 of them wanting hugs!! it was the best feeling in the world! i have friends of all ages here and they are so darling. i am coming to grips with the hug beetles, called RAN RANs here. theyre horrible at night. the bathroom becomes infested with them, straight out of a horror movie, at night. yikes!! my one phobia is beetles, how appropriate! great! also last night one of the dogs, the one that walks on three legs, no less, bit me! i was playing a game with the kids where you run and then squat, and i was squatting and it bit my ankle and i screamed and fell on my knees and it bit my right butt cheek! can you believe that! it hurt so bad! and broke the skin on my ankle i was a bloody mess cause i also scraped my knee when i feel. everyone got a kick out of it though, and made sure to tell me how red my face turned! how embarrassing. but i will live. i dont even TRY to pet that damned dog now. the other ones are really nice though. anyway, yeah, i should go there is a fiesta tonight to celebrate the june birthdays so i need to change now. i will hopefully write again soon!! martes, el 18 de junio, 2002. 7:50pm well here i am again. today has been a little slower than usual, i dont know why. i guess ive been a little bit sad, or maybe just thoughtful, i cant really tell. i also finally got sick, darnit. and i didnt sleep well last night because my on sunday i went to a soccer game that frickin lasted 3 hours and i scorched hardcore, and on my shoulders it hurts so bad that i cant raise my arms, and it made it impossible to sleep. and then this morning we had another girl from salem coming, plus these guys are fixing something right outside my door. you know how they fix things here? by pounding with a hammer. so yeah. but i dont want you to think that i am not having fun here. i really am. everything is going great. all the kids are just wonderful and it is really cool cause not only do i have little amigos to play with, i also have people my age to talk to. i have two official jobs here, to help with homework and to write the life stories of all the kids here. the homework stuff is hard, especially math cause they teach long division differently here.... but with english, i am a pro. it{s also really sad to write the life stories of these kids. one of my favorite kids, his dad broke his nose when he was really little because he had been talking to his brother and his dad told him to shut up and he didnt so he hit him! isnt that horrible?? this kid is awesome too, he{s like 15 and really nice and always patient for me to understand him..... i like his crooked nose, it gives him character, but it makes me sad how it happened!! but yeah... besides those things i dont have much to do and i am going to try to find more to do soon. i am having a lot of fun here.... i just love this place it is so relaxing and calming and makes me feel a lot better about stuff. but yeah i gotta go cause one of the girls needs the computer for homework... and so i better go. |
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| miercoles, el 26 de junio 2002. 2:03pm i have had an amazing last few days. yesterday was my 18th birthday and they threw a huge party for me last night. it was really amazing. really amazing. there was music and they were all dancing and everything, and they made special food for dinner, and even served pepsi cause they know its my favorite! after dinner they all lined up by age and the director said that we were celebrating my birthday and how lucky it is that i was sharing my birthday with them and on and on and then he had miguel translate for the other americans that have come, then they made me go in front of everyone so they could sing me the Ma�anitas song (which was also sung to me at 6am that morning)... that song is SO MUCH LONGER and more embarassing than just plain old Happy Birthday. but i was beaming and i just couldnt even believe the awesome feeling it gave me to look out at all those smiling, singing faces... singing TO ME! i couldnt understand why!! they are such amazing kids and amazing people. after the singing it was time for abrazos, or hugs, and i was stampeded by little arms and faces, so much so that i almost fell right over!! i seriously hugged every single person in this whole frickin place!!! after the abrazos was time for the cake. theres this mexican tradition of telling the birthday person that they need to take a bite out of the cake, and then they shove their whole head into it (it was a separate cake than the ones we were actually eating). i knew about this already, but knew i had no choice so i braced for it and then FOOM. my face was in the cake, but i had been inhaling when they did it, and i inhaled cake all up into my nose. i was sort of.... in shock. my head was full of cake. they asked me if i was ok... i think cause i didnt look like i was. haha after i washed my face and everything, i was sitting trying to stop my nose from dripping and i sniffed, and i realized that i was swallowing cake that had been in my nose. haha. i got a couple little cards and gifts, too. the director, carlos gave me a bracelet and necklace form the fair, and the little boys gave me this fake flower thing thats in this plastic box that they wrapped up with toilet paper and everything. it was the CUTEST THING EVER. when they gave it to me!! they were so shy and said they wanted to give it to me so i would remember them.... like i could ever forget them!!!!!!!!! i had probably one of the most awesome birthdays ever. i am so glad i got to experience that! also this week i went to the fair in town. its like nothing compared to the Oregon State Fair, but i definitely had a good time there. i was walking around with this adorable kid who used to be little, Osvaldo, and he kept looking at the rides and i asked him why he didnt go on them. he said because he didnt have any money. so i told him i would take him on one. he got so nervous. he has never been on a ride before. he says he has never tried anything at the fair cause he never brings money. so i told him to pick any ride he wanted, and he picked on of the scarier looking ones (again, nothing compared to oregon) and we waited for it to stop so we could get on, and i paid the lady 30 pesos, and got on. while we were waiting for it to start, his palms were all sweaty, he was soooo nervous. the ride in itself was fun but not particularly out of the ordinary, although it did last a long time. he thought it was the BEST THING EVER though. and couldnt stop talking about it the whole night! he kept saying how he had thought he was going to throw up, and how he could see the whole city from up there. it was so cute! after the ride, we were walking around and i bought us each some frozen strawberries with cream and sugar, another thing he has never tried, and found a couple more kids and i bought them a few games of foosball and a go at this other game too. these kids always go to the fair, but they never actually do anything there. it felt great to be able to give them this experience, because its something i take for granted at home, i know i do. and osvaldo STILL cant stop talking about his first time on a ride at the fair! |
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| jueves, el 4 de julio. 2002. 4:41pm i have not written very often. it is hard to have the time. we are supposed to practice soccer every day at 5, but every day it has been raining, storming. which is good cause i think we have to cut the grass in the field. with machetes. yikes. as for my flojera, laziness, it has been high. i havent gotten around to washing my clothes in awhile. my excuse is that last time i did it my arm was so sore that i couldnt do it WELL again. but now my arm is fine. man do i feel like a wuss here. i had to ask them to teach me how to wash my clothes by hand. thats sad. i have been in less than a great mood the last few days just cause you get to a point where there are things that really bug you. like cultural differences and stuff. and the fact that these kids dont realize that calling an american girl fat is like the WORST thing in the world to do. young and old, little boys poke my chubby areas and say "gorda". then they ask why i dont excercise more or RUN in the mornings. WHY DONT YOU??? grr. they make me feel like such a fatty. its so bad. and it doesnt help that on the soccer team i can never play through a whole game because the climate and altitude are so difficult for me. and they all just think its cause i am lazy and out of shape. and they tell me i need to make sure to have my own SPECIAL practices so i can improve. its just wearing on my self esteem. i know i am not skinny, but i always thought i was at least average. and now i feel like some huge monster. to top everything off, the americans that came last week left yesterday. i really appreciated their prescence cause they spoke english and because i was NEEDED. it is the coolest thing to be able to translate. its weird to think that i spend most of my day speaking a different language, too. ok well i will try to write more often but for now i am going to go. some kids want me to teach them how to type and i cant put it off any longer. |
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| domingo, el 7 de julio, 2002. 10:17am last night was really awesome. Don Carlos invited alana and i to go to Coita with the older boys. he was buying them ice cream.... i think it was because he is making them do some hard labor for about four days straight. while we were getting our ice cream cones this guy, the down drunk/perv essentially, i think, was creeping us out....just standing there staring at alana and i. luckily we had the "protection" of about 20 teenage boys. eventually, after about 15 minutes, he walked down to the corner and did his staring from there, and when we all had our ice cream and started to head to the park, he left down some random street. but then we got to hang out at the park for a bit, which doesnt sound THAT exciting but it was because it was really cool to just kind of observe the "Coita nightlife". you have to realize that this is a very small town.... and its really cute. the park, that is in the center of town, was full of people and everyone knew someone. it was cool. i get excited about the little things in life, just go with it. when we got back a few of us sat around on the porch for awhile and listened to miguel play the guitar. ok, well, alana and i listened, the rest of them sang along. quite amusing in fact. i dont need a tv when i get entertainment like that. very peaceful last night. very good. bueno. i have no more to say now but at least i am writing more often! |
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| lunes, el 8 de julio, 2002. 11:55am i hate racism. i dont think i really deserve this lesson i am getting in racism. up till yesterday it was easy to ignore the weird looks and the crude comments. but yesterday our soccer game was later in the day, at 3 in the afternoon, meaning there were more people there. when we got there i heard the usual "�mira, guera!" comments, but it wasnt until the game started that it got bad. first of all, the word "guera" means nothing more than "white girl".... its not really a derogatory word or anything.... but the whole game, any time i did anything good or bad, they would say "�Vamos guera!!!!" like i was this strange creature to them. i hate that word. how dare they refer to me only by the color of my skin. they didnt say, "let's go, the girl with the short white socks" or something. it was "lets go, white girl!!!" i just hate so much that i stand out so much here. i just want to be treated and looked at the same as everyone else. i know that's impossible but that doesnt mean i have to accept it. some fans, like this mom-age looking lady and a group of little old men learned my name and would yell "�Vamos Neecol!" that was cool. it made me really happy that those people could realize that it's rude to refer to someone solely by the color of their skin.... even if they did only learn my name because i was the guera on the field. honestly, who would of thought i would have problems with racism in my life?? weird. oh well, i have my protectors. the girls on the team would sometimes look over at the crowd and say "�SE LLAMA NICOLE!" ("her name is nicole") because they know how much i hate to appear different. it was really cute of them! at least i have SOME sympathizers here. ha. |
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| June and July 2002 |