March 2003 (the break-up month... dun dun dunnn)

sunday, march 9th, 2003. 11:54pm
today feels like the worst day of my life. i will have to talk about my trip later because right now i'm completely distraught. over the week i had decided to have a "talk" with Humberto tonight. I had decided to tell him that i haven't been happy, and that if something didn't change soon, it was over. I have been tired of feeling unappreciated, unimportant, and un-cared for. But the mistake I made was in assuming that he wanted to avoid a break-up and that he really did care deep down and just needed to show it better. So after my speech instead of a "Oh Nicole I'm so sorry I'll really start to be nicer to you now," i got a "So do you think we should break up?" My next mistake was thinking that was a question.
     "No, I don't want to--"
     "--'Cause we're just really different..."
I don't remember anything after that because that was when it hit me. If one person thinks it's best to break up, there is no CHOICE. it didn't matter what i thought. i knew that was it. I sat there, he had one of my hands and was playing with my fingers like he still loved me. my arm was across his shoulder, he was hunched over on the stairs, i rested my face on my arm while the tears welled up inside of me. what now?? a million thoughts raced through my head. Anger, hate, excruciating pain, unbearable sadness. This wasn't what i wanted at all. The tears started dripping onto my arm and i realized that he was no longer my person to cry to, my person to look to for comfort, the person whose shoulder i should be crying on at that moment, no longer the person who could hold my hand. i ripped my hand away and scooted away from him, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes.
     "What do you think?" he said.
What do i think? it doesn't matter what i think, i can't make you love me again.
     "I think that if you thought this you should have told me before."
     "I know i just didn't want to hurt you."
Was that supposed to make me feel BETTER??!!
     "You've hurt me enough already. I have to go."
I stood up and walked to the door to my hall. He got up and i half hoped he would follow me, half prayed that he wouldn't. I heard the door to the staircase open and i knew he was leaving. I walked down my hall trying desperately to hold in the sobs that were coming. i made it about halfway before i burst out sobbing. people eyed me funny and when i got to my room the door was locked but Cecilia heard me crying and rushed to open the door and hug me. Nancy, Alexis, and Lisa were instantly there as well hugging me and consoling me. that was the most uncontrollable public display of crying i have ever put on. a couple people were standing outside my door dumbfounded, but my friends quickly closed the door. i threw myself on my bed sobbing uncontrollably. they brought me stuffed animals, tissues, food, hugs, everything. all i could do was cry and cry. eventually i decided to quit making them so uncomfortable and started to tell them everything. The discussion, the cold phone calls, the decisions i made while i was gone. then i jokingly mentioned that he should have just done it before my trip so i could've had fun with some of those cute guys i met. i really still can't stop crying. i called my mom and took a hot shower. I feel horrible. How am i going to get through midterms now? I can't even stop thinking about it for two seconds. This is the worst day of my life. I want to die right now.

tuesday, march 11th, 2003. 9:18pm
i don't feel any better. i'm actually a complete wreck. i haven't sat through a whole class without crying. i left history early today because i couldn't focus on the movie about Malcom X and i was really just using the time to focus on how miserable i felt. There are so many things i feel, there's no way i could explain it all. I feel really humiliated that the only reason he didn't break up with me earlier was that he didn't want to hurt me. How foolish have i been? I should have wondered about why he never said "I love you" anymore. I should've figured that he was treating me so badly because he didn't care. But i really thought he did care. i feel so foolish. Just thinking that i now i don't have someone who loves me no matter what, someone to be with always, makes me feel so lonely. I love him so much and i'm not ready for this to be over. All i want to do is weep constantly. If this was any other week i wouldn't leave my bed at all. But it's midterms week and i can't afford to miss classes. So i wander around campus in a mournful daze, constantly wiping away tears and hoping no one will notice.

wednesday, march 12th, 2003. 5:43pm
today was going so well. i didn't cry in any of my classes and i was focusing on school. then i decided that since i was doing so well, i would go to humberto's and get all of my stuff. what a mistake. I trekked over there and as i climbed the steps to his door my mind told me "run, get out of here while you still can." But i continued and rang the doorbell. humberto opened the door wearing his soccer ball pijama pants, a white t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, and Mardi Gras beads. randy and sergio were watching some TV thing in Spanish. it figures that NOW they finally got cable. i looked at humberto that one time and made sure not to look directly at him anymore. it was so painful. I darted to the washer and drier where i first packed up my laundry detergent. then i headed for the kitchen to get all of the measuring cups and bowls that i bought. i thought about taking the sugar, flour, and brown sugar, but i dont need them. i also thought about taking the plunger that i bought, but again, i dont need it. i returned to the washer and humberto had put my blanket next to my backpack. after packing that i went to the bathroom. i threw away my tootbrush-- i figured he had probably already let his friends use it. i packed my saline bottle and went to the fridge to get the syrup i bought for my waffles. then i put everything outside the door so i could go get my bike off the balcony. as i walked through the living room i noticed that the fucker still has the picture frame with cute pictures of us in it that i gave him for Christmas RIGHT THERE ON THE END TABLE. The soccer ball i gave him was lying a few feet away. randy was out on the balcony smoking. he looked like he felt sorry for me. he pointed out that the chain was off so he fixed it for me and i dusted off the seat. the whole bike was covered in dirt. i wheeled it through the living room (careful NOT to carry it) and went to the door. "Thanks. Bye." Only Sergio responded, something about "See you" or something. I shut the door and went on my way. The No Dout song that goes "You really love me underneath it all..." kept going through my head. i cried on the way home, but waited until i actually got into my bed with the covers over my head to start bawling. i feel like a basket case. i just want this to end, i want him back. i hate that i want him back because i shouldn't. just think of all the times i have cried because of him. I still love him though, that's my problem. i feel so heartbroken.

friday, march 14th, 2003. 11:40am
yesterday i was doing so well again. On wednesday night humberto and i talked online. we agreed that we wanted to finish talking and that we would do it thursday afternoon. He kept saying that nothing was my fault and that he was always hurting me and i didn't deserve it. that made me feel better because i had blaming myself for being so hard to live with. after that chat i felt a lot better and i had a good day yesterday although it was really stressful because i had a geography project due, had to take a geography test, finish and turn in a research paper, take my history midterm and meet with Denise and Diana to discuss our project. After i got all of that finished a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, and i returned to my room giddy because i had talked to this guy that i think is cute (i have to have something to get me through this). But i had to call humberto so we could finish talking. He got to my room while i was cleaning. My face was red, my hair messy, and i was sweating from so much cleaning. I don't think he noticed. I treated him just like before without the hugging and kissing. There's been less of that in the last month or so anyway. It was really awkward at first, but then it was back to normal and we were two people who love each other but have to break up, being really sad and everything. The thing that really bothers me is that i feel like he doesn't really want to break up with me, and he just thinks he needs to because he's too immature and not ready for such a serious relationship because he has screwed up priorities. for me, i never want to give up on things. i feel like SOMEHOW we could make it work if we both really tried. but i know he doesn't want to try, and why should i be with someone who doesn't care enough to try? because i love him. But i don't know, even though talking to Humberto was really emotionally hard for both of us, it made me feel better because i know he still cares about me. I feel like it was too intimate of a thing to write the details, but it really was heartbreaking. In a way i feel like if he would have said "i don't love you or care about you anymore so leave me alone," it would have hurt so badly but i wouldn't be left like this, not understanding WHY we had to break up and why he isn't willing to try. It's out of my hands though, I can't demand that he stay with me, nor do i want that. I suppose i'll have to move on eventually. But not today. I had lunch in the dorm cafateria today and he was there eating with Checho. i wanted to go say hi really badly but i just feel weird still, afraid that i'll accidently go up and kiss him or something. i think it will take time, but i know we'll still be friends. At least i hope so.

sunday, march 16th, 2003. 10:02pm
well i'm finally home. yesterday was like nonstop. i had to catch a bus to the airport at 9:30am..... i hadn't slept well and it felt SOOO early. the guy sitting next to me from WSU was on my flight. i like meeting people that are as chatty as me, it makes things like plane rides less boring. before i got on the plane, i was STARVING so i waited in a line for 20 minutes to buy a three dollar hotdog that was still partially frozen, and by that time my plane was boarding, so i couldn't even take it back, i just had to choke it down. in portland i parted ways with my new buddy who was just connecting there, and found my mom. only after we were in the car and on our way did my mom tell me we were going to visit my grandparents. it was fine, i know they never get to see me. my grandpa spent the whole time trying to console me about my breakup and tell me how when you look back on things they have worked out for the better and told me all of his life experience stories. it was kind of touching how much he really wanted to share his wisdom with me. we had to leave a little after an hour, though, cause i wanted to go to church. we got to the church 15 minutes early and i RAN in because i needed to pee so badly by then that i was in PAIN. I run in the door and there's chris (my ex-boyfriend) with his fiancee. interestingly, though, i didn't really feel anything i just waved and said id be back and ran to the bathroom. when my mom came into the bathroom she asked how i was, i said "oh because of what you saw when you came in? no it's cool." haha then while i was washing my hands chris' mom came out of one of the stalls. i felt so dumb. but really i don't care, it's two boyfriends later and i have definitely moved on. after church we went to my sister's soccer game, we didn't get home until around 9:30. i had a full 12 hours of non-stop action. today i just went to church. it was pretty tough 'cause everyone is talking about the youth group's trip to Hogar, and i can't go and it's really hard. i miss it so much. i keep having dreams about it. and i would do anything to see Boni again. it's really weird to have a best friend that lives so far away.

it's weird i thought i was doing so much better with the whole humberto thing, but i just keep reliving everything and it feels awful. this isn't what i want. i want everything to just work out, you know? i know it won't, and i know i should just let it go, but i'm not ready for that. how do you just let something go? i'm still in love and i think it would almost be easier if i just hated him, and if i felt like either of us really wanted it like this. i feel like it's not supposed to be like that and i think that's another reason i can't accept this yet. sooner or later i'm going to have to though... or i'll never be happy.

monday, march 17th, 2003. 9:12pm
i feel much better today. we talked last night and i think i see real potential for a friendship which is exciting. it was weird before to think that someone who had been such a big part of my life was just going to disappear. maybe i'll be happy eventually after all.

tuesday, march 18th, 2003. 8:23pm
This morning i randomly woke up at 9:30. so of course by the afternoon i was dead tired. i went to take a nap at 4. i woke up at 5:30, thought "oh this is a good time to wake up." then i woke up at 6:40, thinking "oh wow i've slept almost 3 hours, i should get up. then i woke up again at 7:30. then i made myself get up. i should have just slept all night.

i still really miss humberto. but i don't have that horrible feeling in my stomach anymore. i think it will be good to really try to build a friendship with him. that's something we never really did. i don't know, i do think it will be hard to not be affectionate and stuff, but i think it's definitely better than nothing.

wednesday, march 19th, 2003. 8:40pm
i'd like to say that our president sucks ass. come on. "let's bomb iraq and they havent even done anything." what an idiot. and do you think he REALLY thought Saddam was going to leave iraq because BUSH told him to? i dont think so. let's get real. it comes down to 2 things. Bush's daddy and oil. sometimes i really hate this country. i blame it all on the electoral college. if it weren't for the electoral college, the POPULAR vote would have determined the president, Al Gore would be in the white house and we would not be fighting daddy's war. ok if you don't agree with me fine but that's how i feel.

saturday, march 22nd, 2003. 7:28pm
well i'm back in moscow. i have a horrible cold that i caught from my family. apparently it's been going around in salem a lot, and people get it 2 or 3 times in a row. exciting, isn't it? I did have fun at home though, it was a nice break.

i got a shot yesterday, and proceeded to pass out right there on the doctor's office floor. Everyone tells me it's not a big deal, but it was a pretty big deal to me. the poor nurse was putting a band aid on and right as i realized Damn, I think I forgot to breathe, i started to black out and said to her "uh, i'm getting a little dizzy," as i leaned on the table, bracing for it. the next thing i remember is someone shouting "HELP! HELP!" i felt like i had been asleep forever (although it had obviously been a matter of seconds) and then i realized that the shouting was not part of the loud fast dreams shooting through my head (all involving random celebrities since i had read a whole People magazine while I was waiting). At this realization, i don't remember if i opened my eyes or not, but i figured out where i had been and remembered getting dizzy. The nurse was kind of holding me from behind, under my armpits, and i must have fallen forward first, then been pulled back, because my toes were in a weird position, and i was squatted on the floor with almost all my dead body weight pushing on my poor squashed toes, and i remember thinking I wish i could move or talk, my toes hurt so badly. then they sat me down on my butt, the nurse sitting behind me, supporting me. I was so weak, I couldn't move or talk or anything, all i could do was go along with everything and hope it would end soon. after they sat me down i lost consciouness again and when i woke up again all the doctors and nurses and assistants were busy opening a little thing of ammonia for me to smell. the thing is, i was awake when they put it under my nose. when they started at me with it i wanted to scream "No! wait! i'm awake, i swear!" although i'm sure it helped me to ACTUALLY wake up and not lose it again. I gagged and everything and eventually i could grunt a couple answers, and tell them my name (i confused the nurse 'cause the back of my shirt said "LIZ" 'cause it was like a $2 t-shirt at Value Village). They did all this blood pressure and pulse stuff on me and i swear i sat there forever leaning against that poor nurse, sweating and breathing. they even brought me juice. finally i got to sit in a chair where we finished my appointment and they asked me if we could call someone to take me home. haha i'll never forget mom's "well can't you just sit for awhile and then go home?" but i do understand that it was a hassle to get my sister drive her all the way over there so that she could drive the car home. But oh my goodness! what a horrible experience! that of course has happened before, when i was like 15 or 16. i have this weird and horrible anxiety with shots, even though they never hurt that badly. but ever since that first time i've been really careful to breathe and everything. i hate that whole forgetting to breathe thing. haha. oh well, maybe this experience will help me remember to breathe for the next 2 or 3 years before i forget again!

sunday, march 23rd, 2003. 4:58pm
today really sucks. do i say that a lot? i feel so lonely, so unwanted (i know you want me mom). i guess it probably doesn't help that my friends aren't back yet. last night didn't go so well. i don't know what possessed me to be naive enough to think that i could be friends with humberto. he didnt give me any priority as his girlfriend.... why would i get any as his friend? besides, i don't know, i just get this really weird vibe and i feel like if i really try to follow through with this i'm going to get hurt. i don't want to have to suffer just because he doesn't know what he wants. i know what i want. unfortunately that's him. however, i just can't sit around and let myself be hurt over and over by him. we're not even together anymore. i thought it would end with that. it just kills me that i know the only way i'll get over him is to find someone else... 'cause i don't want anyone else. and it's not just because i want him back. i just don't want to have to deal with this anymore. i seem to just always pick the "winners." they always treat me well at first, but it all falls apart after a few months. and i always end up an emotional train wreck like i am right now. people keep telling me that i need to just take time to "find myself." i have found myself, i think i have a very strong sense of self, actually. that's why i stand up for myself so much. it bothers me that people think i'm dependent on guys and that i can't do things for and by myself. it's just that... i love being in love. i can't help that. this is the part i hate though. it makes me want to disappear. or run away. or something.

tuesday, march 25th, 2003. 11:10pm
last night i finally could describe this feeling. i'm dying inside. i feel actually quite ridiculous the way i mope about. but i can't help it. the funny thing i've noticed is that i'm a lot more socially outgoing. it's as if i really don't want people to know that i'm weak inside, so i try harder to show that i'm fine. before, when i was just plain unhappy with my relationship, i would be sad inside, but at the same time i would always look down when i walked, avoid the gaze of acquaintances in case they didn't say hi to me, and kind of just stay quiet and invisible. now i feel like people know that i have a reason to be having break-down, so i'm vulnerable. the truth is, not all that many people know (although i just realized that i told jaime on saturday on the bus from the airport, so the whole latino community here could know by now), but i feel like everyone will somehow know and be looking for me to be weak. is that ridiculous or what? it's funny, everyone who does know tells me that i'm "dealing with this so well." even when i try to explain that i don't like to handle emotional things externally, they tell me that, "well, if it was bad enough, it would show." How could they know there's an internal death taking place as they speak? I feel empty. sometimes i feel like my mind is disconnected from my body and that i'm just going through the motions. I have a constant and overwhelming urge to go elsewhere, to avoid facing all of the constant reminders of what i had and what i'm not ready to give up. when i was walking to english today, i suddenly wondered what would happen if i just kept walking, and didn't stop. i need to escape this horibble feeling, but the truth is it wil probably follow me wherever i go.

wednesday, march 26th, 2003. 11:59pm
well. i found today that repressing my emotions really helps me to carry on with my life. i'm not sure how healthy it is but hey. i got stuff accomplished today. i went to classes, came back and worked on a geography project, went to dinner, then to spanish conversation group, came back, finished my project and then went to the cafeteria to read for another class. i ran into a couple people from my core class that i really get along with and chatted for awhile with them. then i came back upstairs to watch tv in the lounge.... much to my dismay the sci fi people were watching some dumb sci fi show.... AGAIN, so i left. i never get to watch tv because they're always there. i don't want to be rude 'cause they're really nice, but they keep hogging the tv.... ALL the time!!! doesn't ONE of them have a tv in their room? right now i'm waiting to get really sleepy so i can go to bed, cause if i dont get tired first, i'll just stay awake coughing. Anyway, i don't feel quite as useless today and i think it's all due to repressing my out-of-control emotions about being unwanted by the only person i want. also i have developed a healthy little crush that will never be more than that, but which gives me something to look forward to, you know? I like this whole having a crush, but not lamenting over how badly i want him thing. i don't want him. i just want to have a crush on him. the only one i want is the one i really can't have.

oh also i have to apologize to my roomate about what i said about her a few months ago on my web page because i upset her and i feel super horribly terrible about it because i love her and she is my closest friend here and there is nothing worse than knowing that i've hurt someone that close to me. please forgive me!!

thursday, march 27th, 2003. 11:59pm
why do i feel like i'm an eighth grader caught in a drama where the boy i like will talk to me on instant messenger but won't approach me in public? why do i also do that same thing? i feel so ridiculous. i think it's just really emotionally hard for me to see him and be in his presence. it's so easy, almost like cheating, to tell people how you feel on msn. but then what? can i really face that person knowing that they know how i feel? how do i completely change the way i behave around him? practically since i met him we've been affectionate. now when i greet him what do i do? wave? i'm used to the latino-kiss-greeting with him except that it was always on the lips instead of the cheek. i feel like i'm not even supposed to touch him now. i can't hug him i can't hold his hand. basically i can't act like his girlfriend and it's all because he's "confused." why do i have to keep letting myself suffer because HE doesn't know what he wants? it's not fair. I don't understand why he would break up with me if he says it had nothing to do with any bad thing about me or any wrong things that i did. i was so tolerant. i always love him despite everything, i'm so patient. i don't understand why someone would walk away from that unless there was something wrong on the other party's side. maybe that just stems from my need to blame myself in order to understand what the hell is going on. sometimes i think i freaked him out once when i accidently said something about being together forever. what the hell was i thinking??? that would freak ME out too. or he keeps saying that he's not ready for such a serious relationship.... did i put too much pressure on our relationship to be too serious?? why couldn't he have said something before it was so bad that he just had to give it up all together?? do you see what i go through? i think i'll never date again. i always pick the ones that will break my heart.

saturday, march 29th, 2003. 10:57pm
i officially hate weekends. actually i don't know if i hate weekends or hate myself for not having anything to do on weekends. why don't i have any friends? the lack of anything to do just makes me remember what i used to do on weekends and miss it, which then makes me cry and mope like the basket case that i am. so far today i: slept till 2pm, talked online for awhile with my friends from Hogar, showered, read a book for one of my classes, ate dinner with this girl, susan, whose boyfriend is from peru, and bitched about guys and latino guys for awhile, read like 3 more chapters of that book, read my journal of the last 2 months while bawling my eyes out in mourning, and read more of that damned book. i have felt nauseous all day, but who knows why. my solitude has led me to analyze my whole college experience. i've been here almost a year and i have next to zero friends to show for it?? i've become the hermit freshman who doesnt leave her dorm room. and even on my social endeavours, i don't enjoy myself, i'd almost RATHER be hiding out in my room. Nancy was so nice last night she took me to one of her good friends' birthday parties... i was shocked cause i've never met those friends, she kind of has always had 2 separate groups... so i was really happy and excited to meet new people, especially americans (geez this breakup is making me anti-foreginers!!!). all the people i met were really nice and everything... but the sinking feeling that i couldn't fit in just killed me. these people were great, totally socially conscious and stuff... but more the activist types. i don't know why, i'm just not into that. i could see myself being friendly with them, but i definitely haven't found any soulmates. i guess people always say that they made their best friends in college. so that's what i've been expecting... maybe that's just not going to happen for me. humberto was the best friend i had, and now he's not in my life at all. now what?

sunday, march 30th, 2003. 10:48pm
well what do i have to say for today? i got up around 12:30, went for lunch, sat and talked with Nancy, Arlie, James, and Flavien until around 2. then when i came upstairs i caught the TV sci-fi people free. it wasn't long before they came, and then while i was watching E! True Hollywood Story about Rosie O'Donell, i felt like they were just sitting there resenting me or something. anyway, the ony other thing i have to show for my day was my nice long pleasant dinner with Cecilia, Alexis, Maryam, Ivet, and Nancy. That was really cool, i like feeling like i have friends. i don't know, i think i am a really social person, i do really well in small groups like that, i think the thing that i feel like i'm missing is like the whole best friend companion thing. i guess those just don't appear overnight.

the whole humberto thing isn't getting any better. he just continues to confuse me. asked me to email him a picture of me because i look good with short hair (i cut my hair during break) last night. what a fuckhead. why does he need a picture of me now? doesn't he know that will just lead me to have more hope of him wanting me back? guys can be so out of it. they totally don't understand how females analyze everything. grrrr.

March 2003
The Break-up month....prepare yourself to hear some whining!