tuesday, october 1st, 2002.  9:54pm
you know what's funny?  i think i feel more inclined to writing in general when i have nothing to be happy about.  then when i am happy, i never write about it.  so then when i go back and read, my whole darned life sounds depressing. 

someone compared me the other day to this character in a movie who was always "blissfully happy" as long as she had a boyfriend.  i dont think that's fair.  maybe i am just afraid to admit the truth.  but that's not fair.  just having someone makes life a little sunnier, gives you something to wake up for...you know?  how embarrassing.  i will never admit that i am that girl.

i have to say that i am disappointed with college.  its not as hard as i thought it would be.  but i know i just have to wait until i get a little further along.  but all these freshman classes are easy.  even spanish is easy and its not a freshman class.  all i have to do is read a story once in awhile and then write a one page essay.  tedious, but not hard.  probably the most difficult thing about spanish is sitting through class and my teacher struggling to spit out what she has to say.  sometimes i would like to poke my eye out with a dull instrument in order to get out of that class.  my spanish professor sings.  she sings.  and dances.   then there's science.  i pay attention enough to fill in the lecture notes, and then i write in my journal or do my spanish or something equally more useful than listening to science mumbo jumbo.  i think if i paid more attention in science class i'd go psycho.  it's environmental science and it has made me entirely paranoid about the state of our planet.  There's too much trash, we consume too many resources, and the world population is beyond sustainable for the planet.  these are heavy issues to burden an 18 year old girl with, no?  We wont even talk about my core class since it is such a complete waste of time that i might as well never go, except that i think the entire grade is based on attendance.  since when did they start taking attendance in college?  what kind of crap is that??  math doesnt even count as a class cause we only have it once a week and the computer teaches me all i need to know.  i got 98% on my last test.  hahahaha.  i hope i get all A's this semester.  that would kick ass. 

well honestly i dont have a lot more to say but i am in the computer lab waiting for humberto and carla to get done working on some CAD project.  oh man i would kill myself if i had to take CAD ever again.  that's the whole reason i decided not to be an architect.  it's a horrible class.  wow i'm so positive about school.  i just have to say that i am SO glad that i'm not a math or science related major.  i am just fine with getting a B.A. out of school, no matter how less than smart i feel when my friends load their schedules with physics and calculus classes.   bueno, i dont have anything more to say so i'll finish now. 
friday, october 4th, 2002.  3:48pm
ok i was right.  i am unhappy so now i have something to say.  even fucking taco time won't hire me.  i went through a whole 20 minute interview, the lady was ready to hire me.  then "oh do you have a problem with taking out the nose ring?"  "yeah because i paid a lot of money for it." "oh, thanks for your time."  YOU'RE NOT WELCOME YOU BITCH!!!  i am SUCH a good worker and a friendly person.  i would be the best fucking taco maker you ever met.  but no, they can't even see past  a tiny piece of metal in my nose.  most people dont even notice it.  it's not tasteless, my overall appearance is still fine.  it's TACO TIME for heavens sakes, it's not like i'm trying to work at fucking Tiffany's or something!  you think i WANT to work in fast food?  you think i WANT to rely on taco flipping for my income??  come ON people!  i dont get it.  i'm pissed as all hell if you can't tell.  ok i'm done.
saturday, october 5th, 2002.  late at night.
i think this whole stupid taco time thing has set into motion a whole self-esteem problem that has been building up.  i feel like no one likes me.  i know that's dumb, but i just feel like people don't like me.  and i keep finding out that when people first meet me they think i'm rude.  how do they think that?  do i really come off that way?  i'm seriously so depressed that no one likes me.  and you know, i know that some of my friends like me just fine.  but i am not focusing on that.  i'm focusing on this feeling that no one likes me and i am this giant outcast.  it kinda sucks. 
tuesday, october 8th, 2002.  3:52pm
so this week my new thing is exercise.  evy and i are doing the dryland training for snowboard team monday through thursday, and this morning i felt inspired to ride my bike.  i ended up riding to pullman, which is 7 miles away, and back.  on a whim i rode my bike 14 miles.  am i on crack?  i think so.  nevertheless i like exercising.  it just makes me feel good.  and then i can allow myself to eat bad things.  yesterday it was a snickers cruncher, today it was burger king.  that's fun too cause i can let myself enjoy food.  i'm suddenly remembering why i used to like exercising so much. 
saturday, october 12th, 2002.  10:32am
dont ask me why the hell i am up this early.  actually it's cause i had to go help set up the volleyball floor to raise money for ski/snowboard club.  that sucked. but now i can't sleep again.  that sucks more. 

yesterday kind of sucked.  nothing bad happened or anything.  i just havent really shaken this whole insecurity thing.  i feel like no one likes me.  and hell i dont blame em.  have you ever unknowingly been a bitch?  well i did and i just found out.  and i found out how many people think i was KNOWINGLY being a bitch.  that doesn't help.  how could something that makes me so happy completely backfire?  i hate myself right now.  it's hard to explain.  i don't fit in anywhere with anyone and no one really WANTS to know me.  i don't want to know me right now. 

10:33pm
i think nightime is bad for me.  i should start going to bed at like 9.  that's before i get in a bad mood.  i hate being in bad moods.  i make drama out of nothing.  that's annoying. 
thursday, october 17, 2002.  2:54pm
i have a routine now.  my life is kind of boring.  but its not bad so i dont mind.  routines are good.  they are comfortable.  i feel like writing something but i have nothing.  so i will try later.
sunday, october 20th, 2002.  11:59pm
i love and hate weekends at the same time.  i love them because i get to just sit around and be ugly and lazy and generally just not care about anything.  it's nice.  yesterday i slept till 3:30 in the afternoon.  i didnt even know that was humanly possible.  today i stayed in P.J.-type clothes until 10pm.  this is the life.  the thing i hate about weekends is that everyone disappears.  especially in the evenings.  it can be lonely but this weekend i managed to find it satisfying.  friday night i watched this movie that i downloaded awhile ago because i was told it was funny. didnt find it very funny except for in a few parts.  mostly it was really quite disturbing.  it's called Donnie Darko.  anyone ever heard of it?  i dont know.  it was pretty disturbing if you ask me.  and the end was confusing.  but i didn't not like it, which was interesting since usually if i find a movie disturbing i dont like it.  i'm a sucker for those sappy romantic comedies.  i mean, who isnt??  anyway, yeah i feel very rested thanks to this weekend.  next weekend i get to go home.  i am kind of excited.  i miss salem.  i hate idaho.  it's so fucking cold here, i can't even begin to explain it.  people keep saying "do  you think you'll transfer?"  um, no.  do i look like a wuss or something?  i know how to deal with stuff. besides, where would i go?  i dont think i will fit in anywhere.  i'll adapt it will just take awhile. 
tuesday, october 22nd, 2002.  3:12pm
i havent really done anything today.  i slept till 1:00.  i don't have any classes on tuesdays.  i love tuesdays.  they're like my real weekends.  except i need to do homework and i don't feel like it. 

thursday, october 24th, 2002.  1:43pm
i'm going home tomorrow!  i'm so excited.  i cant wait to get away from here and the horrible coldness and lonely weekends!  also i'm killing for a good old sandwhich from big town.  man i miss those days.  sure, i like being away from home, but i dont really like being here.  there are great parts of my life here but all i tend to focus on are the crappy ones.  i really am happy here, don't get me wrong.  i'm just not right for moscow, idaho. 
saturday, october 26th, 2002.  11:59am
i like being home.  everything feels so familiar and i feel like i know everything about this place.  cause i do.  i went to La Hacienda with my mom last night, that's where i went with my friends like, once a week during high school.  and of course i saw people there that i recognized and it suddenly hit me that HIGH SCHOOL IS OVER.  there will never be any more of those days.  going to La Hacienda before the football game and such.  i mean, i know i've KNOWN that high school is over, i just never thought about the little things, you know?  but in a way it's almost a relief.  i'm past that now.  that was something i waited a long time for.  the thing is, that's all i know, and now i'm lost.  and i know i thought i would turn 18 and go to college and become an adult, but i'm tired of pretending to be an adult.  i'm not.  i'm still a child who lives away from home.  like boarding school.  i mean, i'm so young that when my friends were my age (18 and 4 months), they were still in high school doing high school things and listening to their parents.  i'm just a kid still.  i can't pretend to be all grown up.  i'm not. 
thursday, october 31st, 2002.  HALLOWEEN.  3:57pm
woohoo.  it's halloween.  where are YOU going tonight?  Nowhere.  why?  should i be going somewhere?  but there are SOO many parties.  what are you dressing up as?  Nothing.  why?  should i?  dress up as a french maid and hang around my dorm room?  i prefer pijamas actually. 

halloween's no fun when you're old.  it would be if i was in the mood for it.  but here at the good old U of I it's just another excuse to get wasted on a school night. 

At night here it gets to like 15 degrees farenheight.  that's like 17 degrees below freezing.  they are trying to kill me here.  its funny, just any random time i leave the dorm i have to get all bundled up in like long underwear and a few sweaters and my huge snowboarding coat and my snow gloves and socks and real shoes and a beanie.  its horrible.  i would only break those close out once or twice a year in salem... the one or two days a year when it snows there.  oh, it's already snowed here a couple times, and it hasn't even started sticking yet.  this whole place will be covered in snow soon.  shoot me.  i've moved to hell.  i might not survive the year, i might freeze to death first.  i almost got frostbite the other day cause i wore flipflops to ride my bike to the bank.  when i got back i couldnt feel the front half of my feet.  it's going to be a long winter.  The seasons here are Summer, Almost Winter, Winter, and Still Winter.  so when summer comes and i can go home, winter will end. 
October 2002
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