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| monday, december 2nd, 2002. 7:08pm my roomate left her alarm clock on during thanksgiving break so apparently it went off every afternoon for hours for the whole week until the people in our hall implored my suitemates, who both stayed in moscow, to unplug both of our clocks. most people figured it was cecilia's clock since she has a history of this, but i still feel like responsible or something. like i left last so i should have figured she wouldnt turn it off and therefore should have unplugged it. i know it's dumb and that i'm not responsible but i just feel bad cause i know i hate when my neighbor leaves his alarm clock on. and cecilias is REALLY loud. you can practically hear it from the stairs and we live at the other end of the hall. there are nasty notes all over our door too. like "LEARN HOW TO TURN OFF YOUR DAMN ALARM." that's just mean. i have anxiety issues again i think. i can't sleep even though i'm exhausted. that means i'm overthinking things. i hate when i do that. back to tylenol pm for tonight. really i shouldn't overthink things. i know exactly what the problem is too, although i'd rather not get into it. it's like if shit wants to happen, it will, and i can't really do anything about it. therefore, worrying about it will get me no where. the thing is i have this need to protect myself you know? it's hard to explain. but i just hate the part of me that gives my all to things, because i always get hurt or disappointed. i don't really understand why i can't change that part of me since i can at least recognize the problem. |
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| wednesday, december 4th, 2002. 10:56pm i am in a thoroughly bad mood and i dont really know why. i'm so lonely. you know it's kind of that "surrounded by people yet still utterly lonely" thing. no one here knows me. like REALLY knows me. now that i think about it i dont think ANYONE really knows me. but at least some people are used to the way i am. i hate when people at totally random and somewhat grumpy moments will come out and tell me what they dont like about me in a really harsh way. i'm sorry, that's the way i am. i'm SORRY i'm too sarcastic for you or that i talk too much without thinking or whatever. it's just who i am. if it's such a problem stay away from me. i feel like no one appreciates my personality. is that weird? like i am kind of just ignored by everyone because i am so annoying. but there's nothing i really want to change about myself (besides my weight) so i dont know why everyone else could change something. i really miss Hogar today. It's like this: In a world where i have never really fit in anywhere, el Hogar is the only place where i felt totally accepted and loved for who i am. my friends there are so valuable and some of my best friends in the world. they let me become part of their lives in a very rare way, and in return i opened up to them like never before. i mean, in high school yeah i had friends and i was social and everything. hell i was even winter court queen. whoohoo. but that doesn't mean i ever fit in. where all of my friends were well groomed and well dressed, gorgeous really, i chose the no make-up, jeans and sweatshirt route. we got a along fine, but i could never help but feel DIFFERENT. because, well, i was. and now i'm here at U of I. and it's really big and full of the same kind of thing that i hated about high school. the thing i was running away from. even now i dont fit in with my friends. i'm not even from the same CULTURES as them. And the few friends i have that are American are nothing like me. i mean, i realize and understand the need to be individual, but there is also a lot to be said for having things in common with people. no one here really takes the time to KNOW me. and when they do they don't like what they find. that bothers me. even the person i'm in love with, try as he might, really doesn't know me, doesnt understand me. i think i'm just at this point where i feel so hopeless with everything. there's no use. i might as well just spend the rest of the year alone being self sufficient. being my own best friend. sounds good. |
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| saturday, december 7th, 2002. 9:47pm this evening we went to a talent show that one of the Latino organizations on campus puts on. my roomate won the grand prize, $150. she did a really cute dance. makes me wish i had talent. but never mind i got all happy and did the little clappy thing my mom does at soccer games. now we're off to a party at the girl from denmark's house. its a long walk. and its snow weather. woohoo ok well i am off. adios. |
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| monday, december 9th, 2002. 7:13pm i had a really great weekend. for the first time i didnt spend the whole time moaning about how much i hate weekends. well friday i stayed home. but i just was in a really horrible mood and i dont think i would have had fun doing ANYTHING. i did check out a couple books from the library, though. my first library experience WOOHOO. but yeah saturday i woke up around noon, sat around and did a whole lot of nothing for awhile, worked out, went to that talent show, came back, and then we left around 10:15. it's so funny, i'm like "what??!! we're not going out till WHEN???" but when we got there around 10:45, the party had hardly begun. i always hate the first hour of being at a party. i always go through that "shit why did i come here, i hate parties" thing, then i sit around for awhile being bored, feeling like i stand out cause i'm the only person without a drink in my hand, etc. after awhile i got a little better. i think the more the people around me are drunk the more i loosen up myself. its like second-hand drunkeness. someone told me they had heard that i was drunk saturday night because i had been dancing and i never dance. i couldn't help it, i was having so much fun. it's way more fun to dance when you have someone to dance with, too. not that either humberto or i are such great dancers, but somehow when you're just having a great time with someone you're crazy about it just doesnt matter that much. it especially helps when everyone else is so drunk around you that they dont notice you. haha. 4 of my friends puked saturday night! anyway the party ended around 5 am and i didnt end up going to bed until 7. i still havent caught up on my sleep yet. but oh well. i will eventually. |
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| wednesday, december 11th, 2002. 5:56pm some people can be really detrimental to one's overall well being. i can't handle people who are manipulative, vindictive, judgemental and hypocritical. they make me act differently around them, i'm more careful not to get on their bad side. I know someone right now who is saying really hurtful things because she feels threatened, and is in turn trying to make herself feel better by making others feel worse about themselves. i don't take it to heart though because i already know what she is doing. i have seen her do it to several people. the fact is i'm just ending my contact with her. because i really don't need that kind of influence right now. i'm having enough of a hard time fitting in and feeling comfortable here WITHOUT having to deal with someone like that. i just feel badly for all of the people she will encounter in her lifetime that WON'T be able to ignore her nastiness. |
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| Sunday morning, december 15th, 2002. 2:48am i hate my roomate today. she can be messy. she can be inconsiderate. she can be noisy while i am sleeping. but today she crossed the line. she loudly announced some of my most private secrets to a group of like 20 people outside of a party. i seriously wanted to kill her. but you know, i said to myself "no, she's drunk, she didnt mean it." and it was all surrounding her wanting me to give her the bottom bunk at the semester. but when we got back and she started DEFENDING herself instead of apologizing, saying that she deserves the bottom bunk and that's why it's ok for her to say those things about me, i just can't be forgiving due to her drunkeness anymore. i literally want to punch her. UGH i'm so mad. i'm in the computer lab right now because i dont feel like going back upstairs and dealing with her. i want her to just disappear. maybe i could change rooms at the semester. then she could get her stupid bottom bunk all to herself for the rest of the year. and i could just be her friend instead of her friend and roomate and that way her trivial roomate complaints wouldn't get in the way of her duties as a friend to keep her mouth shut. no matter how drunk she is. I AM SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| monday, december 23, 2002. 5:11pm wow i cant believe its almost christmas. usually theres all these preparations for like a month or two before, but being away from home i havent really noticed. its nice though, i like this time of year it's all cheery and stuff. it's nice to be home, i like it a lot, the only thing is that i'm away from Humberto for 3 and a half weeks. that's kind of sad. i'm hoping it will pass quickly. i havent really hung out with any friends yet, just my parents and my sister. that's fine though for now. there are a few friends i really want to see, but i really like talking to my mom. we are a lot closer than we were when i lived here, i think thats cool. i'm really super sad because well, during break i had intended to politely ask/beg my parents if they would be interested in paying for me to go to Hogar with the church this summer, even if it was only for a week because at least then i would be able to work still. but before i could even say anything (let alone get up the COURAGE to say anything), my mom said "well i'm sorry you're not going to Hogar this summer, that must be really hard for you since you love it so much." i almost burst into tears right there in the car. but instead i will do that in a few minutes when i'm in my room. to add salt to the wound i got an email from Rafael today informing me that Blady, Carlos Mario, AND Alberto have left Hogar. that made me even more sad. i feel like i'll never get to see any of them ever again. it's the worst feeling in the world. |
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| Tuesday, december 24th, 2002. 5:05pm I love having a laptop. I�m in the car with my family on the way to my grandparents� house to celebrate yet another Christmas Eve. This day is probably the biggest tradition-filled day in my house. First, we go get my sister�s and my picture taken with Santa (always at Lancaster Mall because if we went to Salem Center people might see us). Then we go have lunch (although sometimes we have lunch first, it just depends) at whatever restaurant the family decides on. The eatery of choice is usually Elmer�s, at least it was most of my childhood. The classic Steak and Pancake House was replaced by Olive Garden last year, and Red Robin this year. We should have Mexican food next year. Now we are making the trip to grandma�s house to celebrate Christmas with my mom�s family. Tomorrow we will celebrate with dad�s family. Honestly I�m not the biggest fan of family gatherings. The whole Christmas season makes them a little more bearable though. It�s weird, in some cultures people actually enjoy getting together with their families. Huh. Who would�ve thought? As I�m getting older I am starting to realize that Christmas becomes less of an exciting thing as people age. I mean, obviously I�m not as excited about Christmas as I was when I was a little girl expecting a whole bunch of toys under the tree on Christmas morning. Maybe that�s partly because now I am starting to experience the stress of having to buy other people presents. I don�t have a job. I am almost out of money thanks to snowboard club. I get a lecture from my dad about getting a job and how to get a job on a daily basis. All of my friends at school bought or made little presents for everyone. I couldn�t. I felt horrible. Then I bought my family presents. They are decent presents, but I feel guilty for not having spent more on them. Is this what the whole spirit of giving is supposed to be about? I still have to buy Humberto a present. That�s stressful because not only do I have to find something, but I won�t be able to spend as much as I would like to on him. I will only be able to spend less than half of what I spent on my boyfriend last year. But I love Humberto so much more than the other one. But does the amount of money I spend really have to show that? I know the faults in my ways of thinking, but I just can�t help feeling bad that I�m unable buy people really nice things. I got invited to a joint birthday party a few days ago but I told someone I couldn�t afford presents and they said that was alright, I didn�t have to go. That made me feel terrible. I missed out on hanging out with my friends from home because I couldn�t afford two gifts for people I don�t even know that well. I know I�m not supposed to whine about money. I don�t have a job and I guess I haven�t really tried that hard to get one. Christmas is the one time I just can�t live without money. It�s really hard. Usually I can live on my meal plan and a couple bucks out of my bank account. The other thing I noticed about Christmas as you age is that people lose touch with family and Christmas just isn�t a big deal to them after awhile. I was sitting next to two elderly ladies on the plane home and one of them was talking about how she was working on Christmas Eve. And then there are those people who have to work on Christmas. Who could do that? To me I just think of all the things that have to be done on those two days. Traditions to keep, presents to wrap, a house to clean, a meal to cook. And these people work??? But when you have to one to celebrate WITH, I guess it makes sense. I don�t want Christmases to turn into that eventually. How depressing. Okay, now my attempt to un-depress anyone who has just read all of my holiday whining. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! No more worrying about money or things to be done until the 26th, okay??? |
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| saturday, december 28th, 2002. 10:34pm i just somehow sucked a pixie stick into my nose through my mouth. it kind of hurt. yet i continue to eat them. i cant stop. im going snowboarding tomorrow i should go to bed. but i feel like i should be writing something. but i've got nothing. oh yeah, who's making a new years resolution?? not me! that's just asking for something to fail. i am going to start working out when i get back but its not because of a resolution, its because i want to lose weight. hopefully that weeklong snowboard camp will slim me down a little bit too! |
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| December 2002 |