May2003

Friday, May 2nd, 2003. 8:39am
Last night at the gym there was this MTV True Life show... i actually stayed and worked out extra so i could watch it... it was about this horrible couple that fought constantly (ring a bell???). I felt so sorry for the girl.... her boyfriend was just this total loser who treated her badly, and she knew the relationship was unhealthy. but she loved him so much she just couldn't let go. no matter what, she loved him, and she saw past all of his horribleness because of love. i wanted to scream "Look! that's me!" in the middle of the gym, but well that could have been awkward. also she was quite whiny... actually that's how i saw myself in my last relationship, though. even though i know i wasn't like that, humberto always made me feel like i was being unreasonable for getting upset at the things he did (or didn't) do. but why shouldn't i get upset when i'm being treated badly? it makes perfect sense to me.

anyway, i'm moving on now for real. haha i always say that when a guy i have a crush on talks to me. who cares. i know i can better than before, and i'm going to put in an honest effort!!!

the late night of/early morning after Saturday, May 3rd, 2003. 3:12am
tonight was fun. i went to a Cinco de Mayo dance... i actually had fun without macking on some guy all night. my dancing still sucks, but at least i just deal with it now. if you dont dance, you dont have fun. after it ended at 12, i planned on going home. janet talked me into checking out the party at the ATOs' house. i went to my first frat party. it wasnt really any different than i thought it would be... but oh well, i went with the flow. it was PACKED with people dancing.... and of course drunk guys came up and started dancing with me. first this guy who was cute, kinda short, really drunk, who kept giggling. then suddenly i feel this guy touch like the front of my hip from behind. i was like "WHOA" then i was like... OK! haha i've been really horny lately, i'll admit it. so i was dancing with the one guy in front of me while the guy behind me was totally hardcore grinding on me. i felt so gross, but i was really amused. the cute guy suddenly was like "you're so hot!!! take a picture with me!" and whipped out a camera so i got next to him and he took a picture of us... oh man that will turn out so bad. but it was amusing nonetheless. then that guy disappeared so i turned around to dance with my random grinder behind me. he was tall blond, semi-cute but nothing special. he continued to dance with me pretty grossly but i wasnt exactly pushing him away. he was very very drunk aslo, and his hand kept alternating from going under my shirt on my back to touching my ass. i still felt kind of gross, but part of me was really enjoying the attention. anyway after a couple songs a fight broke out in the middle of the dance floor and the music turned off and everyone was pushed out of the way and i almost fell. the guy was super tall and like wrapped his arms around me and protected me... it was so random but i was actually really thankful. after i got my balance i looked around to see if janet was ok, and when i saw her i said bye to my little friend and went to talk to her. now i feel pretty slimy but at the same time exhilirated. that's the cool thing about being the sober one... i'm more in control that way and i knew that there was no way i'd be taken advantage of... i just got to have a little fun. Now i've taken a shower and washed all the icky-ness away. i'm too tired to sleep though so i don't know what i'll do. maybe ill just lie there until i fall asleep.

sunday, may 4th, 2003. 11:59pm
i don't know why.... i've just been so SAD today. it's like this sense of hopelessness just began to overwhelm me. i keep wondering... why did God create this whole attraction thing between males and females? doesn't He realize how painful it is? i mean, i guess life would be boring without it.... but at least my life wouldn't hurt so much. why didn't He consider those of us who just go for the guys that will hurt us? I don't claim to have a lot of experience with guys. but with relationships... yes. and with getting hurt... TONS. i should be the champion. and the thing is i blame myself because obviously i keep going after the same ones over and over again. really i don't even go after them.... maybe that's the problem. i don't want to put any effort into, i don't want to be rejected, so i don't put myself out there to try to get the good ones. i let just whoever come to me and hope that maybe i can like them. in a way i'm just not picky enough. i'm too afraid of being alone and too eager to just have someone with me, no matter who it is. now that i see a good one that i want.... i won't go after him. first, i just don't know HOW to. second, i just couldn't handle it if he rejected me... or even worse, if he hurt me, too. then it wouldnt matter what i do. i could pursue, i could sit around and just accept whoever, and i would still get hurt no matter what. i guess today i've been so frustrated with everything that's happened to me in the relationships/guys category. i kind of feel like i got an unfair amount of being hurt. some people go through their whole lives never being hurt. then there's me. i still blame myself. there must be something i do to make this happen to me. i hate knowing there's something wrong with me. why can't it just be everyone else's fault?

tuesday, may 6th, 2003. 11:57pm
i can't believe the school year is almost over. it's like.... these last two months time has been moving without me. it's weird that even when your life is ending, the world keeps going. in this way, the last two months disappeared without me noticing. and now it's almost time to go home. thank goodness. i never thought i'd be happy to leave my freedom. but i just want to get away from here. from all these people that make me feel invisible. unimportant. bitchy. pathetic. i'm going away which means they will stop existing to me for 3 months. and even if i still remember them, i won't see them everyday, constantly reminding me of how they make me feel.

it's funny how the things that excited me the most a few days ago make me less than enthused now. i really just have to say that i don't understand people and i don't understand guys at all. they just make absolutely no sense. i'm not claiming that i, or girls, make sense either. but it seems like guys change into completely different people from one day to another. i don't understand. and i don't understand why i am invisible. i dont understand anything anymore.

i think i spent too much time alone today. i think i started to get bitter. funny thing is, though, i practically drove myself insane. When alone for a long enough period of time i start to get really goofy and weird. but i suppose that's better than bitter and depressed. i would say that i'm doing a lot better. i just want to feel wanted. and right now i don't.

12:45am
i was just reading February 2003. in the whole thing i never felt positive, i was always upset, sad, frustrated, hopeless, miserable over my relationship with humberto. it hurts to love someone so much, and for them to make it clear that you are not important to them. that's what i was going through. and now it's like "well of COURSE we broke up right after that." but i never would have broken up with him. i loved him way too much. but even though he said he loved me, he didn't love me enough because he wasn't willing to make me a part of his life. that's sad since i made him such a big part of mine. i suppose that's why it's so much easier for him to forget about me than it is for me to forget about him. damn guys. i just don't understand.

wednesday, may 7th, 2003. 4:28pm
i should learn not to go to the basement after classes. it's just a habit to check my mail. i shouldn't though. it's not like i ever get mail anyway.... and even if i did it still wouldn't be worth it to have to go and pretend not to care that humberto's there.

there was a "walk out of your classes" protest today. basically the former president of UI, who just resigned, put millions of dollars into this project in boise that i believe is kind of falling through, and it now has caused student fees to be raised AGAIN by 10 percent. the lack of money has also created staff cuts and the removal of the Office of Diversity and Human Rights. all of these things are really pissing people off. i however, don't really support the protest kind of activism in the college campus environment because usually people are doing it for the image or to get attention, and usually the protests here are poorly planned, small, and insignificant. they have no effect. the fact that they purposely planned this one during classes bothers me. what kind of message is that sending? in my opinion it sends the message that "oh we don't really care about our classes right before finals, but please make it easier for us to pay to take those classes." i don't know, i know that obviously that wasn't their point....but it sends a bad message in my opinion. needless to say i did not participate.... although one of my classes was cancelled to provide us with the opportunity to participate. yay! haha.

11:01pm
overall today was good. i got some studying done, had some dinner, worked out and then played soccer with cecilia for awhile at the gym. two other guys came to play with us so we had a mini game and it was fun even though it just reminded me that i suck. the cool thing is though, i don't even care anymore because it doesn't matter. i just play soccer for a fun workout. it makes me feel good and it takes away stress. so why not? randy and checho were there though so now we'll never live down our "wonderful" soccer skills. haha we should go play tomorrow night and show them! yeah right. wednesday is unofficially Girls' Goof-Around Soccer Night. Thursdays we'll just watch. or not.

thursday, may 8th, 2003. 11:59pm
i can't believe i get to leave in a week. i'm happy and sad at the same time. i'm happy because honestly i need to get away. but i also won't see several of my friends ever again, which is a sad realization. several of them are exchange students, but there are others that are going on exchange next year and i will only be here for the fall, then i will study abroad and then probably end up changing schools to major in Bilingual Education. So the end of this year is more final than it is for most people ending their freshman year. but i kind of need some finality to some of the stuff that has happened this year, and maybe i will finally get that. i honestly wish i could go back and change some things that happened this year. but having regrets is no good. so i'll just take this experience and learn from it and move on. shit happens, it's all in how you deal with it and learn from it.

night of friday, may 9th, 2003. 3:27am
i'm so tired of being "the sober one" at parties. maybe ill start leaving now before everyone's wasted. tonight the police came and being the sober one, i grasped the seriousness of the situation a little better than other people who continued being loud while the officer was there. so i yelled at them. so what. they were acting completely stupid, they needed to be told to shut up. but all they know is that i'm that bitchy girl they don't like anyway, and that i just yelled at them. so what. who cares what they think of me anyway. why does it matter? i don't know it just does. i'm so upset with myself today. all that shit about moving on and learning from it. whatever. who am i kidding? it still affects me everyday, and it will probably affect me even when i'm gone. i can't do anything to get away from this i feel so trapped.... i feel like i'm trapping MYSELF but i dont know how to get out, i don't know how to stop. how can i just forget how much everything hurts?

night of saturday, may 10th, 2003. 1:17am
good things happened today. things that needed to happen. last night humberto talked to me online (i had told him to fuck off at the party when i was trying to quiet people down) and said he didn't want us to fight anymore and that he was willing to talk to me. i was shocked but at the same time not surprised, knowing he was drunk. i really didn't believe him... why would i make the same stupid mistake twice? anyway, he actually did end up meeting me at the commons today, and we talked (well mostly i talked) about just things in general as well as things between us lately. the best part was that he apologized...SINCERELY. something i never thought i would see. it made me feel a lot better to know that he was recognizing the things he did wrong and actually showing some kind of remorse for them. the other part of me feels worse though. i hadn't actually had a face-to-face conversation with him since we broke up. talking to him brought back so much. i still have feelings for him in a big way. for me, those are things that don't go away that quickly when you have really loved someone as much as i loved him. only a week is left to become comfortable with him as friends, which is obviously impossible. but at least we can talk to eachother now. i missed that. it was like losing my best friend when we broke up. even if i can't have him as a boyfriend i would really still like him there as one of my best friends.

sunday, may 11th, 2003. 1:56pm
yessssssssssss. i finally made out with someone. and someone i wanted, too. i'm so proud of myself haha. actually i feel kind of weird about the whole thing.... i dunno i'd never made out with someone i didnt date, or wasn't dating.... it was weird because there wasn't the same kind of affection involved... it was just like we were both using eachother. i don't know. it was still great don't get me wrong. i just feel weird now.... i still can't believe it even happened... i'd had such a huge crush on this guy forever. but i don't expect anything more. i kind of understand that he probably won't even talk to me again before he leaves. but since i knew that from the beginning i dont feel weird about it. just happy. i actually got what i wanted. i can't believe it. that never happens to me.

monday, may 12th, 2003. 5:34pm
i had my geography final at 7:30 this morning. the teacher has already gotten the results back. I got 95%!!!!!! that is amazing because i basically thought i bombed the test, and i guessed on most of it. i only studied for about 20 minutes last night too. but yeah i only had to get 80% to get an A in the class, and since i got 95% i get an A!!! yay!!!

the guy i made out with has succeeded in fulfilling my expectations of ignoring me. which is totally ok because i wasn't expecting anything more than that. thank goodness, otherwise i would be so mad. this whole randomly making out thing just kind of seems too weird to me. i thought it would be awesome but i feel like just an object or something. maybe i'm not cut out for this. maybe i'm a boyfriend girl after all.

12:28am
i have studying to do. i have a paper to write. but i just don't feel like it. i'm tired but i don't feel like sleeping either. i'm really sad and i don't know why. probably i just need some sleep. but why do i have to feel so sad? i don't understand anything about anything these days. at least i got an A in geography, though... right?

wednesday, may 14th, 2003. 11:11am
i just finished my history final. it was the one i was most worried about. i think i did alright, though. plus,the teacher really likes me and i had As on our midterm and the two papers we did. So i think i'll be ok. i have my Spanish final at 1:00. i should be studying but i think i'll be ok. i have studied a lot already. dang it the space bar on this computer isn't working very well. talk about annoying. i saw humberto and rody outside of the Ag Science building this morning, and went to say hi, cause that's what friends do. Rody said more to me than humberto did. i felt kind of dumb. but oh well. damnthisspacebarisreallypissingmeoff i think i will go now before i get too pissed.

11:14pm
oh what a day. i got 4 hours of sleep last night. woke up at 730 to finish a paper, turned it in at 9, studied till my history test at 10. ate lunch with a couple guys from my history class and studied spanish till 1. got out of my spanish test after like 20 minutes and spent most of the afternoon tanning outside the commons. i also started packing. it seems like no matter how much i pack, nothing changes. it's horrible. im feeling better today about things in general. i've kind of realized that even though i really miss being with humberto, i seem to be more self-confident now. i have been forced to make friends, so i can now be social... i'm not always fighting with someone, not always being made to feel unimportant.... i look up when i walk now, i talk to people who are just friendly acquaintances... i feel like people know me and i know them. it's a good feeling. great. i finally got socially secure and now its time to leave. ironic, huh? i guess it just takes some people a whole year to do things.

i think i have been watching way too much MTV lately. i'm starting to think it's reality. it's the only good thing that's on when i work out though. i keep seeing these guys that just treat girls HORRIBLY. i'm starting to think that's how all guys really are. and maybe i'm right. i just watch it and think... "why do i even bother with such creatures?" even most of the nice guys i know can be total dicks to girls. so why am i on this neverending search for the ONE that's not like that. obviously he doesn't exist. i know i'm only 18. but i feel like i've seen it all.

thursday, may 15th 2003. 11:13pm
wow. the whole day has been spent packing and cleaning. im exhausted. my back and legs hurt, my brain hurts, i look horrible. and i still have to pack my clothes before i go to bed because they are spread out all over my bed haha. i can't believe i'm leaving saturday. almost everyone's already gone... it's really weird. oh yeah tonight this guy from WSU that i met on my plane to portland for spring break called and wanted to hang out tomorrow. pretty cool, huh? i remember we talked like the entire flight.... i didn't even think about anything though cause he's so much older than me... i always just assume i have nothing in common with people that much older than me.... but then i realize i have a lot of friends that old. i dunno it should be cool. i like hanging out with people who can talk as much as me. haha.

ok now i should really pack my clothes. i swear i had something really important to say but i can't remember what it was. so oh well. goodnight.

night of friday, may 16th, 2003. 2:43am
tonight i went on a date... i think it's appropriate to call it that. it was the plane guy. actually it was really cool, he was really nice, really an open and honest person. we went to a coffee place, a bar, then to the party at jaime's house, which was funny because i totally didnt expect him to want to dance but i dont think he could help it. haha i didnt really dance though... i'm really tired. but no it was really a good time, he's really awesome. i like this whole meeting new people thing. so anyway, i'm going to bed now because i cant think a coherent thought. goodnight.

monday, may 19th, 2003. 10:40pm
well, i'm home. i'm starting to wonder what i have gotten myself into. i feel so almost unwelcome here. like everyone has just been dreading my arrival. i don't even feel like i have done anything wrong yet, but that everyone's just anticipating all the things i'm going to fuck up. if they didn't want me to come they should have just told me. screw saving money, i could have just stayed in moscow if that's what they wanted. i guess i'll just try to lay low and stay un-noticed as much as possible and maybe then i can't be blamed for screwing everything up.

thursday, may 22nd, 2003. 8:33pm
im really starting to like this whole.... dating around thing. like meeting lots of different guys, doing what i want, being attracted to whoever i want, not feeling guilty for it, just having fun!!! its kind of cool. it's nice to finally realize that i DO have options and that i DON'T have to cling to the first opportunity that comes along, thinking that i'll never find one again. it's a really cool feeling. it's weird that i never realized this before. maybe it wasn't true before... but who knows. i'm definitely holding out for mr. perfect before i jump into a relationship again, that's for sure. i mean, what's the point of repeating my past mistakes AGAIN? i think also i'm not going to let my emotions get involved so quickly. keeping my head and knowing the situation, knowing what to expect and what not to expect, has really helped me lately to just enjoy myself instead of getting all emotionally involved. i feel so liberated. this is awesome. i am a strong person, and i dont have to rely on guys to feel good about myself! woohoo!!

monday, may 26th, 2003. 10:15pm. memorial day.
well on friday i got 2 jobs. so my parents might be off my back for awhile..... we'll see. the whole nicole-not-having-a-car issue is a point of tension among my family. but they really want me to work so hopefully they wont get too upset over everything. theres a bus that goes from downtown salem to tualatin, less than 2 miles from my dads work. it seems obvious that he could ride the *FREE* bus for the summer. but he's not buying it. you know that would save wear and tear on the car, gas money, AND the environment. AND it would make the rest of our lives much easier since my mom sister and i cant ride the bus because we live in the country.

oh well. at least im finally working!!! plus, my mom paid me big money this weekend to weed the flowerbeds she didn't weed all year. i do it every year... but this year there was more. and it used to take me like weeks.... and i did it all in 3 days this time.... its weird.... i think ever since going to Chiapas last summer i've had this messed up work ethic. i mean, it's good because i kind of looked at myself and said you lazy-ass spoiled brat!!! you can't even do hard labor for a few hours in a row??? so i actually started just doing it and not whining. the bad part is that well, my body isn't used to that. so now i can barely walk because my hamstrings are sore, my butt muscles are sore, my whole lower and upper back.... my shoulders and neck as well. my bad wrist also flared up.... it feels like a broken bone. anyway, i have to learn how to get things done, so im not that upset.... eventually my body will adapt.

tuesday, may 27th, 2003. 11:03pm
i suddenly have this theory. America's young people are seriously depressed... .and they're crying out for help through their AOL instant messenger profiles. it seems that almost everyone has some depressing song lyrics included in their profile. i have them as well. i find that sometimes songs can really express my feelings in a quite poetic (or sometimes not so poetic) fashion. Currently my profile contains some of the lyrics from the Green Day song "Don't Wanna Fall In Love":

Don't want
To have you hangin'
Around me like a leech
I think
You're just a problem
So stay the hell away from me
Because I don't believe in you
And now I wanna sit here all my life alone
This may sound a little rough don't wanna fall in love.

Kinda depressing... isn't it? I'm not the only one though. Many peoples' lyrics reveal deeper emotions that don't come through in day to day personal contact. i'm worried. Is it really that everyone is depressed and i'm the only one that openly admits to it? In fact i think i cover it up pretty well but i'm not afraid to be open about it either. it seems that people are being... i dunno passive-agressive (although that's not the word i'm looking for) in their cry for people to take note of their problems. man, how sad.

I have to admit that I, myself, have felt awfully down today. I'm not sure why. The day didn't go horribly... Brendan stopped by for a bit this morning, and i started training at one of my new jobs. Actually i didn't notice the sadness until later this evening. My mom thinks it's because i'm lonely. i guess she's right, that's part of it. i just feel.... i don't know what the word is anymore. I mean, i miss my friends at school. i know that's a big part of it. But i think i'm probably still not over the whole humberto fiasco yet, unfortunately. and now, it's not like i feel undesirable... i know there are guys that like me.... and i know i have options. but what i really want is that companionship, that deepness, that intense love and caring for someone. i don't really understand why i feel the constant need for that stuff. i mean, what about just having fun? the thing is, fun is good.... but at the end of the day, who really gives a rat's ass about you? i know i need some alone time and i know it's going to be a long time before i open myself up to someone like that. I think the problem is that i spend so much time thinking that i ruin everything. Sometimes you just have to go with it. i guess ill keep trying.

thursday, may 29th, 2003. 7:24pm.
i dont really know what to say... i know there's something.

i started on phones today at my telemarketing job. only for an hour... but it was still pretty intense. call after call coming at you, people yelling at you, leading you on, asking questions you're not prepared to answer.... it's intense. i know i'll get more comfortable with it... but it's just so... intense. when i got done with my hour, i couldn't focus on anything for like 20 minutes haha.

well. i feel inspired to say something else. but i don't know what it is. so, im not going to say anything. but just know that i'm in that mood.

MAY 2003