December 2003

monday, december 1st, 2003. 9:13pm
today was one of my worst days this semester. what a great thing to come back to. after i finally got out of classes i had to go hunt down the academic study abroad advisor to sign a form i had due today. i got to her office at 12:30 but the schedule on the door said her office hours werent until 1:30. so i waited there but actually she didnt come until about 1:40. i got her signature and then i just had to quickly run to the dean's office to get a signature there, then to the international programs office to turn it in. but NO! there was another signature i needed, from the REGISTRAR's office. once there the guy told me i have to translate my course descriptions and bring them back before i can get the signature. but the deadline was today!! so i emailed the IPO and decided that was all i could do for today. ive almost translated as much as i can. its a big pain in the ass, im telling you.

also today i had to pretend not to care about the guy that doesnt like me. that was really hard. and it made me quite bitter. i'm not sure why. i knew all along that he doesnt give a damn. it just never felt like it till today.

and then there's the big topper to my bad day. Jaime finally called. GAH why am i like this? so he lost the paper that had my phone number on it.... and he went to California to work. ok. i can believe it... it happens. and it especially explains why he went to my house to look for me. apparently he went a few days in a row. anyway... i already know what everyones going to say. that's a shit excuse. why are you putting up with it. why are you even still doing this. i dont know! how am i supposed to stop caring about him?? i cant!! i cant even get him to visit me. How can i even pretend to understand where he's coming from when i've never had to keep on working so i could send money to my mom? How do i get myself into these situations? i swear i always become the whiny girlfriend because i always find guys that make me feel unimportant. at least with Jaime its different. he's not consciously doing it. he just doesnt have enough time for me. i wish i hadnt gotten myself into this situation cause i dont know how to get myself out. i cant just pretend i dont care about him because i do. but i hate the way i feel. now i have a headache and i feel sick. and my face is all red and puffy from crying. gorgeous like always. this is the one time i wish i had girl roomates to comfort me. you can't go crying to guys. they don't know what to do.

tuesday, december 2nd, 2003. 11:50pm
i've felt kind of under the weather for awhile now... not like horribly ill, but i've been nauseous, light-headed, and extremely tired, with really bad headaches. i'm kind of wondering if perhaps i'm not really sick, but making myself sick from stress. does this theory make sense? there's more going on than i can really deal with at the moment. i'm not sure really whats going on with me... i just hope i find some peace soon. ha, finals couldnt have come at a worse time.

saturday, december 6th, 2003. 11:57pm
this last week was ok... i stayed up a bit late most nights but at least i had fun. ive been working out a lot too. i really want to lose the weight i gained while i was sick. most nights i still feel really ill. im not really sure whats wrong with me. last night i just spent the night at Denice's cause i felt too sick to even walk. she and jessica kept offering me food and i wanted to puke just thinking about it. i feel bad because they even bought me a diet pepsi and i just couldnt drink it. but most of last night was fun. im kind of determined to have fun because i only have 2 weeks left. first we went and hung out at this little get-together at denice and jessica's friends' house... which was awkward cause one of the guys really doesnt like me. a little while later we headed over to where the parties always are. after a few minutes the place was filled. at first i began to feel like i always do.... intimidated, like i dont belong. but then i was just like, screw it, i'm gonna have fun. so i got up and made my friends dance with me. i love dancing, and there were so many people that hopefully no one noticed that i really cant dance. the one thing i do miss is dancing with a guy. i love that. at that party as well as other locations, i saw various guys that have wronged me.... and i started to feel kind of weird. im really starting to resent the fact it seems most guys really dont care about who i am... they're not interested in getting to know me. i'm so tired of one night hookups, but at the same time i crave affection and i dont know where else to get it. i miss knowing there would always be someone there to just hold me. that's why i dont want long distance relationships. it's just so hard... cause jaime's one of the few guys that actually CARES about the person i am. but he's not here so he just doesnt fill that void. sometimes i wonder if im seriously screwed up. today i was thinking that i have had seriously bad luck when it comes to "love". but then i thought... "nicole, it's most likely that YOU'RE the problem". i just wish i knew why i am like this and what i could do to change. i'm only 19 and already i feel like this ever-present heartache will soon take its toll on me.

sunday, december 7th, 2003. 11:59am
today i slept most of the day. then called my parents, then ate dinner in the dorms. it's great cause everyone is trying to get rid of their meals before the end of the semester! i'll take them! anyway, then i got started on my papers.... i have 2 i need to turn in tomorrow. i finished one and outlined another but they're not due till tomorrow evening so i should be ok. i'm really tired now but i feel good. i havent been up all that long actually but i need to go to bed soon so i'll feel ok in the morning. i havent gotten sick yet tonight which is a good sign (knock on wood). im trying really hard not to focus on troublesome issues.... it's hard though. but what's the point. getting all worked up about them wont make them go away. probably it will just make them worse than they need to be. just think.... in a couple weeks i can walk away from here and never have to deal with some of those people ever again. ahhh. a breath of fresh air.

sunday, december 14th, 2003. 9:30pm
i think i didnt write for the past week because i didnt know what to say. last week was dead week, in which most students study... but i used it as an excuse not to have to do anything. ill have to work my butt off this week but really studying for a test any sooner than the night before becomes problematic for me anyway. last time i studied early i didnt remember any of it for the test. my history final will be a pain in the ass, though... and my take-home final for my human rights class (i opted out of the group project) will be really hard. i know i can pull it off i just need to be able to focus for a few hours each day. i like to sleep instead of studying. i swear every time i sit down to study i get SOOO tired.

this weekend was definitely not boring. actually i'm exhausted. i remember a time when weekends were a time of rest and recovery, but now i spend all week recovering from my weekends... hmmm. Friday night was insane... there were so many dramas going on at once, it's amazing. but everyone's ok at least. we went to a really good party, and i just wanted to dance and have fun, but everyone was getting all dramatic on my ass. i met this really cute guy that danced with me, finally. we hung out friday and saturday nights. he was soooo sweet friday night, you have no idea. i was walking around all day saturday going "wow this guy's so great" but when we got to the party saturday night he was SOOO fucked up and we had fun for awhile, dancing and stuff, till he got really mean. I finally just got up and walked away from him. i was really upset for awhile, but i really didnt want him to ruin my good time, you know? i went outside (in the snow) with Denice and talked it out.... it felt good to get that support. i think that's why we're such good friends, we really can support eachother.... i feel like i can tell her everything. anyway, then we went back inside and i tried to have fun... i talked to a few people and stuff but he kept coming up to me and saying mean things... i remember one time he was like "i could have any girl here" and i was like, "ok go find one then." it was weird. i kept thinking how amazing it is that i always delude myself into thinking guys actually like me for me.... and aren't just trying to get some. it's because that's what i hope for every day. but honestly i dont think guys like that exist. i really dont understand drunk people. i give him only a little slack because he was so extremely drunk. but there's no excuse for a guy to make me feel like that. anyway, eventually he came up to me all quiet (not belligerently yelling like before) and was all like "i'm sorry.... blah blah blah." i'm not sure why i accepted his apology.... maybe because i wanted to feel better... maybe because it was really cute... with his eyes all big and serious. the rest of the night we were fine and he was nice to me again, but it's not like i could just forget. whatever the case.... i know it's not really going anywhere anyway. it was nice at least to feel special friday night.

and, just in case you're wondering "but what happened to jaime??" here's how i see it. i've only talked to him for real once within like the past two months or something. how can i feel like i have a boyfriend?? we'll see if he's even around when i'm home for christmas. i wish he was more....stable as a boyfriend. because honestly he never makes me feel bad about myself. he's never been mean to me. getting hurt by other guys just makes me realize that he never makes me feel like that. the only thing that hurts me about him is that he's never around. at the moment i kind of feel hopeless. i know it's dumb... i'm only 19. but i feel like i've seen all there is to see of guys and there's just nothing for me. again, i know it's dumb... but why should i think otherwise right now?

then there's the question... why AM i so dependent?? ahhh the million dollar question. will it remain a mystery forever??

finals, here i come.

monday, december 15th, 2003. 11:59pm
today i slept a lot, studied a little, and worked for 5 hours. mostly what i did was think. that is something i honestly would like to avoid right now. it's just that i feel too confused for thinking at the moment. it's weird. i think i need a shrink or something. someone to figure out what my problem is. julia says i need to get married as soon as possible. i think she might be on to something. the thing i always crave is affection.... if i got married it would be to someone who would love me forever.... and then i would always have that affection. *sigh*, if only life were that easy, eh? haha it's not like i can go out and be on a mission to get married. some people are so lucky, though. no worries. i will figure it all out one of these days.

my plan for tomorrow is to study for anth, turn in my course descriptions, outline my human rights paper, study some more for anth. we'll see if i stick to it. right now i have to finish translating those damned course descriptions.

wednesday, december 17th, 2003. 11:20am
well, here i am, finals still kicking me in the ass but now i have one finished. i'm really started to resent my boss for making me work this week. i guess i should have quit last week instead of this week. but there i go not thinking again. he made me feel really guilty for quitting during christmas season! anyway, i was up till 4 last night studying and i'll probably up taht late again tonight, too. i have a couple social things i have to do tomorrow but only if i can get all my studying done beforehand. it's so annoying that everyone's done with their finals already and mine are just starting. i hate that i really can't study too far in advance. the fact that i know that studying in advance is ineffective just makes me accept my procrastination. high stress is the only way i study but obviously my grades show that it works. i have a solid As going into my anthropology finals which makes me feel really good. History... we're not so sure about. and that damned Human Rights paper!. i will make an outline for it today at work. nice goal, huh?

as for my personal life, i dont much have one. i had to re-watch the movie my human rights paper is on so we made a social event out of it last night and i watched it with Denice, Jessica and Leslie at Denice's. the whole issue is that i dont have a VCR, which makes it more difficult than if i could just go into the living room and watch it. anyway, it worked out well but i think the movie bored my friends. it was kind of one of those movies you have to pay attention to. four 19-20 year old girls in a room eating pizza and chatting dont pay attention too well.

well, im off to do some other school related stuff till i have to leave for work. *I REALLY WANT A NAP!!*

saturday, december 20th, 2003. 11:59pm (really late actually)
well. yesterday i finally finished all my finals. by 11:00am my finals were gone, but i still couldn't rest. i had to start packing. i hadn't even started yet. i went home and i was so tired, i laid down on the couch and actually fell asleep for almost an hour. luckily my friends came to say goodbye and bring me some boxes i had left with them, so i got up and took a book to the bookstore, hoping for 20 or 30 bucks in return for it, but instead i only got 15. damn. but it was better than nothing, and a book humberto GAVE me last year, so really i profitted 15 bucks, right?

anyway, i finally packed and now im pretty much done. its almost 3am, but im FINALLY almost done. i feel so much better. my parents got here tonight and took me out to dinner....and TRIED to help me pack. it was cute. they started getting kind of edgy toward eachother, so my mom suggested they leave and wait till tomorrow to finish. (good idea).

until just now i was talking to Matt, my roomate. i'll miss him i think. he's a good guy. i think living with guys was a good experience for me. i never had any brothers, and i think it was good to be around them, get to know how guys really are. i think i'm a lot more cynical now though. it's not that they're bad guys, but i see how they act a certain way around girls (excluding myself as a girl) and how they act totally different when they're being themselves. i think it just gave me a more realistic perspective on the lives of guys... how they operate. i do not claim to be any kind of expert, however, because i promise you guys will continue to perplex me for the rest of my life!!

anyway, i should get to bed. i'm so tired. i already deflated my air mattress (which has been my bed all semester) so i have to sleep in my sleeping bag. lets hope my back is ok in the morning! i would sleep on the couch but it smells a bit rank from all those nights of my roomates sleeping on it and i think i'd rather not. so anyway, goodnight.

monday, december 22nd, 2003. 11:59pm.
i'm finally here. i got home late last night, unloaded half the van, went to my sister's soccer game. i had to get up early to take the rest of my stuff to a storage unit. my dad drug me all over town and i fell asleep in the car. that's hard to do considering i never sleep in cars. i havent gotten much accomplished but that's ok. i plan on sleeping in very late tomorrow. it's kind of hard though because im sick and i have a nasty cough.

i cant believe christmas is almost here. i dont think im ready!! i'm not sure how long i will last at home. since im going to cuba at the end of january ill be home for over a month. if christmas wasnt so soon i wouldnt have come home right away. i'm going to go crazy very quickly. luckily i get to go to boise for 5 days. ill get to celebrate new years with denice, jessica and leslie, and ill get to go see the Boise State campus. i think it will be a perfect break. and it will be fun to see my friends in their hometown, Mountain Home. maybe someday ill make them come to mine.

anyway, im really tired. i waited 2 hours for my sister to get off the internet so i could use it (i swear she'll drive me insane!!!!). maybe tomorrow ill unpack some of my stuff if i get ambitious.

wednesday, december 24th, 2003. 2:26pm. christmas eve.
what a weird day. my family and i left a little after 11 this morning for our traditional trip to see santa and christmas eve lunch. we stopped by Great Harvest on the way to pick up the rolls mom ordered for tomorrow. i volunteered to go in and get them mostly because i just felt like getting out of the car. I went in, waited patiently for them to find our order, asked for a slice of the cheese bread, put some butter on it, and headed out the door. as i walked out the door i saw a little mexican guy i recognized, suddenly realizing that it was Jaime. of all people!! my family was waiting in the car but i sat down with him for a minute, asked him where he's been, why he hasnt come to see me yet. didn't get many answers but he said he would come see me tomorrow. we'll see. why get my hopes up now? even though i am, im really trying not to. its hard not to be excited when ive been hoping so much to see him.

thursday, december 25th, 2003. 10:01pm. christmas day.
merry christmas to me! i can't think of a way today could have gone any better. the morning went by without too much family tension (holidays can be the worst times because everyone is so stressed). after opening presents, my mom and i made eggs benedict for breakfast and afterward i ran upstairs to take a shower. i hurried because jaime was supposed to be here at 11:00. i didnt hurry too much though because i still didnt want to get my hopes up. bless his heart... he not only came, but almost ten minutes early. ooohh the mixed feelings, eh? so happy to see him and so ready to scold him. i introduced him to my parents. he was terrified. haha. then i took him upstairs. i wanted to sit him down and have a real talk, you know? i can't have one of those heartfelt serious talks with my dad cleaning up wrapping paper in the same room.... i didnt want to be in the living room for this. so i took him to my room and closed the door. OOOOOHH that scandalized my parents. i am a freaking adult for crying out loud. i wanted to strangle someone when i was told that we needed to go downstairs. im NOT 16 anymore. oooh it made my parents "uncomfortable." is it MY fault they let their imaginations run wild thinking about the things THEY did when they were my age behind closed doors? did they REALLY think i would be doing anything scandalous with my whole freaking family in the house?? gross!!! i am seriously still very angry about that issue but i dont know what i can do about it. i knew this being home for a month thing was going to be a bad idea. anyway, i guess that is one thing that could have gone better today.

so jaime and i went for a walk, since my mom suggested that as a way of "having some privacy." whatever. the only reason i went was that i felt like hurting someone. we went for a really long walk and it was nice, i havent walked around here in forever, and its nice to be in the fresh air without freezing to death like in north idaho. when we got back i still didnt have to do anything for awhile so we watched half of Bend it Like Beckam, and i dusted the furniture in the living room. jaime was going to leave when my family came over, but somehow i convinced him to stay. it was only an aunt, an uncle, and my grandpa, so maybe it wasnt too overwhelming. my family isn't very intimidating. i dont think that they caught on to the fact that he didnt speak english until halfway through dinner when my mom asked him a question that i had to translate. im not really sure how i got him to stay for dinner. he CERTAINLY wasn't going to stay that long. but i guess after helping me set up all the vegetables and stuff, it was only worth it to stay and eat. it was really nice to get to spend christmas with him, especially since i dont think he would have gotten to celebrate it otherwise. as for the lame excuses, i told him how i feel, and that's all i can do. i really enjoy being with him but im not ready to commit myself to him, and i told him that. i don't know him well enough, i dont know how long he will be around, but for now, i'd like to get to spend time with him while i can.

Friday, December 26th, 2003. 10:44pm
Today was another really awesome day. I spent the whole day with Jaime�it was great. He's so cool to talk to, and I just feel extremely happy to be with him. I haven't felt this way in a really long time. It's exactly what I've been looking for� someone who likes me for who I am! What a concept. Today we were talking and he said "I like you because you're beautiful� yeah, you're beautiful here," he touched my face, "but the thing that's really important to me is that you're beautiful here," he finished, pointing to my heart. Awww. Make me melt! The thing I've been waiting to hear for so long!

It's a complicated situation though. Obviously! I mean, I never get myself into EASY situations! I'm leaving for Cuba soon, and he'll probably leave even sooner to go work in California, so it's not like we have a lot of time. We both don't want to get hurt. The really complicated thing, though, is something I never expected. Interracial/intercultural relationships are hard enough because of the differences in the individuals alone. I already knew this, because I have already had to deal with it. The effects, however, of outside pressures are something I never really thought about. I walk around being so obliviously happy that I don't notice the things he notices. I think it's really hard for him to believe that I could care about him. Things like race and class have never determined anything I do. I've never cared about the things I am supposed to do, the role in life that I should accept. I do what I want�what makes sense to me. How can I make him understand that I'm not like most Americans he's had experiences with? I know to some degree he already realizes it, because he recognizes something different in me. I think it's probably just difficult to entirely put yourself out there. I know I can relate to that. I think if maybe eventually we can both put aside our fears, we could have something really amazing. I'm genuinely surprised how long he has been around. I honestly thought that he would fade off awhile after I left for Idaho, but he's still there. I guess we'll see if he's still around when I get back from Cuba. That's a long time away, and I'm not going to make any plans or promises, that's for sure. But we'll see, right?

sunday, december 29th, 2003. 8:23pm
so today on my way home from target i drove by wunderland and figured id stop by to say hi. i ended up getting re-hired. part of me wanted to say no so i wouldnt have to take out my piercings. but, i decided i needed to swallow my pride and take the opportunity to make some more money. my bank account is really feeling christmas. it sucks to be grown up sometimes. i start january 10th. yay. its only for a few weeks, though, and it will be good for me.

i've been home a week now and im going insane. i wish they had apartments that you could just rent for a month. i need my own space, i really do. i can't handle being talked to like im in high school all the time. they even ask where im going all the time, what my plans are, when im coming home. oh my gosh just let me be free please!! if it was just cause they needed to know when im bringing the car back, id understand. but thats not it. its the need to control me because its starting to feel like im their little kid again. i want to get away.

December 2003