June 2004

Sunday, May 30, 2004. 10:30pm
Talk about a really busy last month. So much has happened and I haven't been able to write it all down. So I'll try my best.

First, and most importantly, I GOT MARRIED on Friday. Adrian and I have been in the process for the last couple months but it was on the downlow because I wasn't sure it would happen. My mom helped so much, it wouldn't have been possible without her. Neither of my parents really agrees with it, but at least they support me. After a very frustrating process, the papers arrived Thursday morning, so we went to the Ministry of Justice to make our appointment and pay for the wedding. It's so indescribable how happy we were. When we were in the bank getting cash because they wouldn't take my debit card, I started feeling really weird. I thought I was dehydrated, I kind of felt like I was going to pass out. I told Adrian we had to go buy water, and I bought a big bottle in store across the street from the Habana Libre hotel. I still just felt horrible and I thought maybe I needed food, so I sent Adrian to buy peso pizzas a couple blocks away. While he was gone I realized I needed to throw up� but where?? There's people everywhere, and I didn't want to just throw up in the gutter. There's not even bushes in Vedado. I went across the street to the Habana Libre, thinking I would use their bathroom. I threw up in the driveway, then got into the bathroom and threw up in the sink until a stall was free to finish. Luckily it was mostly water so it wasn't messy, but I was miserable and sweating to death. I went back across the street to wait for Adrian, and he came with two pizzas for me and one for himself. I told him I couldn't eat them, and he told me we should try walking back to the Ministry of Justice slowly to see if that made me feel better. We got back onto the street and he stopped to talk to someone who asked where we had gotten the pizzas. I immediately started throwing up in the gutter. I threw up three more times at least, just on the way there, which was only like three blocks. My stomach hurt so badly and by the time we got there I was pretty much dry heaving. We got into the office and I explained to the lady why we had taken so long and the first thing she said (keeping in mind we were getting married in such a hurry) was: "Are you pregnant????" I don't know why I was so embarrassed that she thought that, but I was. "No, no," I told her, "that's impossible." She sent us to the cashier to pay (who had gone to lunch or something�they don't bring in someone else, you just have to wait for them to get back), and I spent most of the time we were waiting in the bathroom, right next to the ofice, throwing up painfully because there was nothing left to throw up. I was sweating terribly despite the air conditioning and I laid across the seats in the waiting room. Adrian took good care of me. I felt so terrible that when we finally left I made him catch a dollar taxi, which I NEVER take. When I got back to my apartment I not only continued throwing up but also had raging diarrhea (I know, charming details). I honestly thought I had a parasite and was prepared to go to the hospital. I went to Marjorie's apartment to get her information for being my witness and I sat there awhile feeling miserable and talking to her. I started to feel better and I decided I'd try to hold down a sprite (ok, cuba lemon lime refresco). I went downstairs to get a soda and stood talking for awhile to the housekeeper from my old apartment and some other ladies in the little store. By the time I came out, I felt cured. Adrian and I went to buy his ring (we had already bought mine) and everything was fine after that. Weird, huh? Our rings are definitely not your typical wedding rings, but I love them. They're both silver, so they weren't that expensive. Mine is a band with five small white sapphires, and his is a band with a little decorations around it. It's just so amazing to have them.

So anyway, on to the wedding. Thursday night my program had a big party, but I couldn't drink or stay out late because I wanted to be ready to go for the wedding. Friday morning my alarm just came way too early (6am). It's an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button, and I turned if off without thinking about that. 6:40 came around and Adrian called, asking why I hadn't called to wake him up. Imagine, not waking up for your own wedding!! I showered and woke up Brianna to do my hair and makeup. She did a great job. Adrian ironed my white dress for me, and I was ready to go. Adrian, his best friend, Reinier, Ina, and I caught a maquina to Malecon and 23. When we got to the Ministry of Justice we had 15 minutes until our 9am appointment and I was pretty much freaking out that Marjorie wouldn't come because she had been good and inebriated the night before. I actually thought that none of my friends would come because of the party. Anyway, they started showing up and soon there were at least 10 or 15 people from my program there, plus Adrian's mom and brother. I wasn't even nervous; I was just really unbelievably excited.

I didn't even realize how nervous Adrian was until we all went into the big room where the "ceremony" was held. They sat us at this big desk in two chairs, and the lady, Lisette (who helped us with everything) sat to read us all the stuff. We signed some papers, then she read the definitions of marriage, and family, etc. I don't really remember all the stuff 'cause it was so much and all I was thinking was "ok!!! Say we're married now!!!!"

She asked if Adrian accepted me as his wife, and if I accepted him as my husband, then pronounced us married. We kissed for a long time, but it was like kissing while smiling. I can't even express how giddy, overjoyed, thrilled I was. Adrian looked back at his mom and she came to give him a hug. He held her close for a long time and I finally realized that he was crying. When he finally pulled away from her his eyes were red and full of tears. He hugged me and I asked him "Are you sure you're crying 'cause you're happy?" he said of course and I wanted to cry too, but as the tears came to my eyes I remembered the liquid eyeliner Brianna had used and I held back. Oh, I can't even express how happy I was, how happy I AM. It was seriously the best day of my life!! After the ceremony there were hundreds of rounds of pictures taken and we put the rings on eachother. The ring. I love the ring. It's like this constant little reminder of how happy I am!!!

After the wedding we took a cab to the Ministry of Exterior Relations to legalize the marriage certificate, but there were at least 100 people in line in front of us, so we decided Adrian would do all that stuff after I left and send it to me. We walked back the way we had come, and I didn't mind walking because I was so happy and happy to be with him. We were going to the internet place to email my mom, but on the way we stopped at El Rapido, a fast food place. For breakfast after our wedding we ate hot dogs and French fries with soda. It was actually really cool, we're both not too good for a good old fast food meal, and I felt like it just made our experience even more unique.

We took our honeymoon in a casa particular (a rent a room, very common accommodations in cuba) in Vedado. It was only two days, but it was awesome to be together for two days straight, without having to go home at night or to shower or anything. Just enjoy as much of each other's company as possible.

I said goodbye to him today, two hours ago. I'm on the plane right now. He came to the airport with some of the other boyfriends in a taxi and we all sat around with some rum and coke, spending up to the last moment together. Adrian's mom showed up suddenly, saying she had been on busses for three and a half hours. I was in awe. She must really like me to come so far to say goodbye. She brought me a papaya batido (smoothie) for the trip.

When Adrian and I said goodbye, I felt like I would never let go. He started crying, not a lot, but the tears were there. I felt it coming but it didn't come out until I finally went to the customs window (Cuba's the only country you have to go through customs to get out). Looking back at Adrian I just couldn't take it anymore. I sobbed a little while the guy did whatever they do with my paperwork. I stopped crying soon, though, because I had to go through the x-ray machine and all that.

And now, here I am. Wondering what I'm going to do for a year without him while all the visa paperwork goes through. I think I'll try to visit at Christmas or something. If I can get together some money that is. Oh man. Who ever thought I would go BACK to cuba??

I have to stop writing for awhile, I'm feeling a little woozy.

Tuesday, June 1st, 2004. 12:21am PST (3:21am Cuba time)
Oh wow I'm tired. I'm on my last flight, I should be in Portland within two hours from now. My flight to Toronto got in last night around 1:30, we started boarding the busses at 2:15. They decided there wasn't enough room for the last ten of us and our luggage and said they'd send another bus. They never did. After an hour of waiting in the cold night air one of us went to call the hotel shuttle (which charges five dollars each) demanding that they charge it to our study abroad program. The girl that was in charge of getting us there hopped on one of the busses that left and just left us there. We were all pretty pissed off. I got to the hotel around 4am and was in bed by 4:30, but I had to get up at 8:30 because I had promised to take Marjorie to breakfast for her birthday.

Check out time wasn't until one, so I took a nap until check out. Then I sat in the lobby for four hours until Gus (one of the kids from the program that was on my flight) and I took a cab to the airport at 5. The US customs were conveniently in the Toronto airport and I was hoping it would at least take awhile to pass the time, but no luck. We sat around for hours until we got our plane; I ate expensive airport food because I was starving. The flight was 5 hours to Las Vegas and I slept almost the entire time. The couple sitting next to me was very friendly, they had just gotten married a year ago. I told them all about my recent marriage and they were really interested in just what Cuba was like in general. Now I'm here on my flight to Portland. I feel like we'll never get there.

So. Last weekend Adrian and I went to Las Tunas, the province where he was born and where all of his mom's family lives. I think I met every aunt, uncle and cousin he has on that side of the family. Every third person we'd see in that little town was "oh look there's another cousin of mine." I also got to meet his grandmother which was really cool.

There were carnavales that weekend, which is like the fair except in the streets and it goes all day and all night for all of the days it's there. The first night, Friday, we went out around 9:00 and Adrian wanted to stay out until dawn. Unfortunately that didn't work out because around 1:30 I really had to go to the bathroom so I had him take me back to the house. I felt really bad about waking up his aunt to let us in, so I volunteered to stay and sleep right then (I really wanted to anyway) and let him go back to town. He finally agreed to it and left, and as I laid in bed I suddenly started feeling really sick from the rum I had drank and ran outside to throw up. About a half hour after he had left, Adrian came back saying that he felt bad for having left me and that it hadn't been fun without me. Early in the morning I woke up a few more times to throw up, and almost the entire day I felt pretty nasty. Needless to say I refrained from drinking that night.
The train we were to take on Sunday night was to leave around 8:00pm, but it was apparently quite delayed and every time we went back to the train station they told us a later time until finally it was 6am the next day. Sunday during the day Adrian had to leave me with his cousins while he went into the capital of the province to pick up his and his mom's ID which he had left on the bus that we took for 9 hours to get there. This was only a problem for me because his cousins were all in one of the main music areas dancing to music that I can't dance to. In carnavales they have beer for the amount that fits in a can for 1.5 or 1.6 Cuban pesos which is about 5 or 6 cents of a dollar. The most horrible beer ever (and I hate beer) that tastes kind of like pizza or bread or something. The whole weekend I had enthusiastically declined the millions of offers as people held out the cups, but Sunday I thought, what the hell. It wasn't until I went back to the house for dinner with Adrian's cousin Omar, that I realized I was definitely a little tipsy. Omar was more than a little tipsy and we had a very lively walk home. I felt like I was too loud and hyper when we came into the house for dinner and I thought in my head as I ate "I would like to no estar borracha ahora." Spanglish is the worst outcome from this trip I think.

Anyway, Adrian eventually came home and we stayed out all night until against my will we caught the train at 6:00 the next morning. I just had a bad feeling about the train, and I was right. I knew that we would be able to make decent time taking trucks and hitchhiking, and I felt like the train would break down or something. Oh no, it didn't break down, but since it was so behind, we had to stop every short distance to let other trains pass, which made us even more behind. A 11 hour train ride took us almost 15 hours and we didn't get home to Miramar until after 10:00pm

One of the things I saw during the trip really disturbed me. Along the railroads near towns there are those little shanty towns made out of cardboard boxes and scrap metal and whatever else that I thought existed in every Latin American country EXCEPT cuba. I told Adrian that I had thought that those don't exist and Cuba and he said "oh yeah they do, especially in the east. They're just pretty well hidden." I feel like I went to Cuba with such a wrong idea of what Cuba is. That doesn't mean anyone else's idea of what Cuba is was right, but I guess I'm just like everyone else in the fact that I totally misunderstood Cuba. I think you can only understand Cuba if your Cuban, and even then it might be difficult.

Immediately after we got home I had to go to the doctor about an infected blister I acquired from a sunburn on my lip. I was tired and didn't want the hassle, but the blister was causing me a lot of pain. For some reason the doctor diagnosed me with gingivitis, just because I had mentioned that my mouth was starting to hurt inside from the infection. At that clinic, as soon as you finish your consulatation with the doctor and get your medicine, they CALL the insurance company to see if they will cover it. I've never had a problem there befofe, so I wasn't worried, but then the lady told me that the insurance wouldn't cover my medicine. I was furious so she handed me the phone and I talked to the guy, in English, very sternly.

He told me "Because of the conditions of you policy, I can't cover your medication."
"What are you talking about?? Aren't the conditions of my policy that I come to the doctor and you pay the visit and the medicine???"
"Well we don't cover that diagnosis. . . "
"What's the diagnosis???"
"Gingivitis."
"WHAT?? I don't have gingivitis, I have an infected lip and I need that medicine."
"Well then BUY IT."

That was it, he had pissed me off. I told him we would talk again shortly and I went off to find the doctor. After just a little arguing he decided to change the diagnosis for me. I find it really amusing that never in my life would I have SOUGHT OUT the doctor to CHANGE my diagnosis. The most important thing I learned in cuba, I think is standing up for myself. I have this tendency to not want to cause problems and therefore either not say anything or just go along with things. In Cuba I think people don't respect you if you don't cause a scene.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004. 11:38am
Well I'm home now and I feel like it's time to reflect on Cuba in general. We all know I pretty much hate Cuba, but it's not due to reasons everyone told me I would hate it.
First, I am completely and utterly disenchanted with the notion of government. Watching the goings on of our country's very own government through the pirated cable channels hotels in Cuba receive, including CNN, was bad enough. As I began to compare the two governments, I ultimately decided that they are basically the same, with the only difference being their economic strategies. The Cuban government is excellent at hiding the bad things not only from their own people, but from the rest of the world. Would I have ever seen the shacks made out of cardboard and scrap metal along the railroad tracks if I hadn't used my student status to get onto a Cubans-only train? Why doesn't Adrian know that the Cuban government DOES occasionally kill dissidents?? The Cuban government is more blatant about their manipulation of the press, whereas in the U.S. it's a more subtle process. The main news channels sing of our heroes in Iraq and the "good deed" the U.S. is doing by being there. But really, no one KNOWS what's going on, how Iraqis feel about occupation, etc. The thing that most annoys me is the fact that we've decided to impose a western-style democratic government on them. We must look at cultural traditions in forming a government, we must take into account cultural differences. Anyway, the good thing about the U.S. is that although the press is very much manipulated, people who write small independent newspapers and such are allowed to exist, and aren't sentenced to prison for what they write.
Basically, both governments are scummy, and although I very much disapprove of the Cuban government, I dislike even more the politics of the U.S. government. This is where I bring up Bush's new propositions to limit the money going into Cuba as well as family's rights to visit their family. This proposition is obviously and blatantly a political move to get votes from the extremely conservative Miami Cuban exile community, who are very influential in the elections. How can these people be so heartless, to think that if they make the Cuban people suffer that Fidel will step down. Why would he step down if he didn't in the early '90s after the fall of the Soviet Union when there was nothing in cuba, NOTHING. Food was very, very scarce, gasoline even scarcer, and people were literally starving. Now that Cuba has support from many countries around the world and an amazing tourism industry, Fidel's not going anywhere, but thanks to Bush's new propositions, all the dollar stores in Cuba were closed a few weeks ago for about a week while all the prices were raised 30%. The Cuban people will suffer, and have to look even harder and more creatively for extra money, just because Bush wants the Miami Cubans to help him get reelected. The selfishness and cruelty of this makes me so angry that I have become completely disillusioned with the U.S. government and I want nothing to do with it.
Now for other things wrong with Cuba. People barely make any money so there is just this constant chaos of people scrambling for alternative ways to make money. This includes stealing from other people, from their jobs, from the state, etc. I find this a very big problem, and I feel that Cuba is not actually socialist because almost all of the Cuban people have to act in a markedly capitalist manner in order to survive. Another reason that Cuba isn't truly socialist today is the definite inequality and social stratification that has been created by the legalization of the dollar and the increase in the tourism industry. Their social divisions, however, are very different from ours. People who are in the tourism industry or government positions are the best off. Also, however, the people with relatives on the exterior (a majority of those who have family that left at the beginning of the revolution are white), often have much more money that those without that luck. This creates a HUGE inequality. Almost everyone has some way of getting at least a little extra money, even if it isn't so legal. They have to get it somewhere, because they don't get it from their jobs. It honestly felt like chaos to me. I don't think the system in Cuba works (obviously) and it seems so beyond repair that to me it's hopeless. I can't imagine what it would be like to be Cuban, to know that the way your country is being run isn't sustainable.
Anyway, as scarring as my Cuba experience was, I guess we all know it changed my life in more ways than one. I learned what it's like to live in a country that the U.S. people know almost nothing about, and I also fell in love and got married. Now that I am married to Adrian, I will always be connected not only to Cuba but to the Cuban people. As much as I don't like Cuba, I will be going back there to visit his family for the rest of my life, and I can't say I really mind.

Monday, June 14th, 2004. 3:08am
So I've been home for like two weeks now. My first week was taken up by all the graduation things that needed to be done for my sister. I turned in a couple job applications and helped my mom out around the house. Last Monday this temp agency had me back in to do a clerical skills test. I shined. They told me with those scores i shouldn't be out of work long, and that they'd possibly have some bilingual receptionist jobs. great, right?? well. wednesday they called me to tell me there was an opening. "not exactly office work." He said pH testing potatoes and data entry at a potato chip factory. I envisioned myself seated at a computer in an office, running tests on potatoes with some machine. the worst part: graveyard shift. 9pm to 5am. whatever, piece of cake, right? no. not only is there NO computer stuff involved whatsoever.... i work in a noisy factory, standing for 8 hours running tests on potato chips to test everything from seasoning to packaging to defects, etc. and it's NOT easy. the worst part is the repetition and lack of company. it's like you have to keep yourself entertained for eight hours while you run the same 5 minute test on different samples of chips. Last night we ran Salt and Pepper flavored chips and the pepper was so killer that I couldn't stop sneezing, my eyes were watering, my nose running, and i was coughing. it felt awful. they say it's always like that when we run that flavor. nasty. i haven't worked with goat cheese and red pepper yet. can you imagine goat cheese flavored chips??

As for married life... it's rough right now. Sometimes i feel like i have to suffer too much in my life. I miss Adrian so much, and I think it's just insane that the process takes this long. When i first got back I had this totally positive attitude about it... i mean really, a year out of a whole life together isn't that much. But then real life started to set in. Right now i think i'm more stressed than i could ever be. And i don't have him there to support and encourage me, remind me that the world isn't ending. I'm thinking of not going back to school this year. I just don't see going to Miami as a financially viable option right now. I might go to school part time at Western Oregon or something, just so I can save some money and wait until my marriage shows up on my FAFSA so i'll actually have some financial aid. The papers i have to file add up to about 400 bucks, plus the papers Adrian has to file which could easily be $1,000. I can't just pull that kind of money out of my ass, i'm going to have to work hard, and if i don't, i'll have to wait for him even longer. Every time i even try thinking about all of this i want to cry. Ok not true, i DO cry. often. hell, i'm crying now! sometimes i just wish i could have a little financial luck. i often wonder why some people get all the luck and i get none. i dont think i'll ever have an answer. maybe i haven't been a good enough person. i dunno.

friday, june 18th, 2004. 1:52am
this schedule really sucks. the machines at work were broken tonight, so they kept us there for almost four hours, having us do stupid things to waste time until finally we were allowed to just go sit in the break room. i feel like i've been working there for a month and its only been a week. my allergies are seriously kicking my ass right now and i just dont feel very productive in general.

i talked to Adrian on the phone on Tuesday. it really makes me feel so much better to get to talk to him. I decided to consult him on the whole matter of not going to Miami this year. after all, thinking you're leaving your country for Miami, and really going to Monmouth, that could be hard. he said he didn't care where we live, just as long as we're together (awwww). he said he doesnt even care if i come to live in cuba with him, at least we'll be together. the spontaneity of that answer gives me strength to counter all those people who tell me he only married me to come to the states. some people don't realize that not all cubans are desperate to leave. i dunno, people can say really hurtful things without even meaning to. Anyway, i have an appointment to see three apartments in Monmouth tomorrow. i don't know if they'll expect me to start renting now or for the school year. hopefully it'll be for the school year though. i don't need anything fancy, just a cheap one bedroom apartment, you can do a lot to make a place look ok. i feel a lot less streessed now that i've gotten my plan for this year figured out.

not much more to tell. all i do is go to work, come home, sleep, and go to work again. mom calls me a hermit but i told her she can't nag because i'm working, and thats what she wanted. besides, with my allergies i don't feel like doing anything anyway.

sunday, june 20th, 2004. 7:34pm
well i'm getting more used to my job. it's not that it was ever hard, but now it's become easier because it's a routine now. plus, i get along really well with some of the people i work with. but, i just know it's not where i'm supposed to be. i can perservere through anything, and i'm determined to finish the summer there. the money and hours are unbeatable. again, i just really feel like i have these skills that just aren't being used. a kindergartener could do my job, the only reason i get paid well is because it's important. yesterday i had to hold tons of chips because the seasoning was low. that gets stressful though cause everyone tries to get bossy so you don't make them look bad. i have a feeling i wont be well liked there for long.

anyway, besides that, not much news. can't have news if you never leave the house. i have to work again tonight so i should go get ready. i think my next day off will be whenever i quit, so we'll say, in september.

friday, june 25th, 2004. 5:29 am. Happy Birthday to Me.
twenty years ago today i was born. can you imagine??? 20 years??? that's a really long time. i can't believe my parents have put up with me this long. so my birthday started at work. i just got home. i love this, really. and if you believe me you should be shot. i'm actually in a particularly bad mood, mostly because my work is jacking us all over, making us work this sunday as well as last sunday, AND next sunday which is the fourth of july, but then we CAN'T work that monday, the fifth, because that's the day they observe the fourth of july. does that make any sense? Anyway, i dont think that's really why i'm in a bad mood either. i think i'm just really really tired. all i do is sleep and eat and work, and i still can't get enough sleep.

At least my work has given me an ego boost though. People say i learn things really fast (i think its not that much to learn) and random guys are always flirting with me. it keeps things entertaining at least. its not that flattering though really because there aren't many other girls my age there. it's kind of like "do i flirt with older woman or young girl?" which is a no brainer to some other twenty year old. This week i've been training on checking packaging quality. it's the job everyone loves because you get to interact with other people a lot. it is fun, i like it a lot better than checking seasoning, but there's this one part where you have to get down at eye level to check the bag height, and halfway through the night jonathon, who was doing seasoning, looked over and said "nicole, don't bend over like that, bend your knees. every time you bend over all the guys are looking." my face turned the deepest red it's ever been, and i tried to be much more modest after that.

sometimes i feel like i'm being initiated at work because the guys play a lot of practical jokes and stuff, but i think they're just testing me out. at lunch i sit around with a group of a few guys and listen to all their arrogant talk and dirty jokes. the other day they kept not saying jokes because i was there until i promised that i won't file any sexual harassment charges. now i can't escape the dirty jokes. but it actually makes me feel more comfortable to be in on the jokes instead of the one who can't hear them. i get along a lot better with guys anyway, so i feel better in a way.

well, right now all i really want to do is sleep, so we'll see how that works out. it's really hard to sleep in the day because it gets hot and then i just keep waking up every half hour until i get up. i think i'll shower the potato chip smell off when i wake up. i don't want to fall asleep in the shower and drown.

Saturday, june 26th, 2004. 5:35am
Maybe this time when I get home from work will be my new webpage writing time. It's like, I'm ass tired, but still too wound up to sleep. I'm actually having those little hallucinations you get when you're tired and lines move slower than your vision� ok that could just be what happens to me but anyway you get the point that im tired.

My birthday did kind of suck. My parents were really great though. My mom took the day off and we went out to lunch, then we went to Canby to get some furniture from her friends' garage sale for my new apartment this year. That was fun, actually, because I like spending time with my mom now. Actually when I get home from work I wish I could just go and wake her up to chat until I go to bed. Anyway, after we got home, we went with my dad to La Hacienda for dinner, which was soooo good, I missed La Hacienda the most while I was in Cuba I think. So after dinner we rushed home and had cake and opened a couple presents before I had to rush off to work. I guess the work part is where my birthday became sucky. Up until then it went really well. First of all, I got about 5 hours of sleep that day so I was really sleepy. When I got to work, the news was that one of the main machines had broken and we wouldn't be starting until 12, but of course we had to be there. Ok, fine, getting paid for sitting around. Yeah right. The shrill-voiced supervisor who terrifies me made us read through SOPs, which are Standard Operating Procedures, the official directions of how to do everything. I almost fell asleep while they read them out loud to us. When there weren't any more SOPs left to do (or ok probably when the supervisor left), we went on a long break until someone announced that the machines had been fixed, but then we just sat around for another hour waiting for the cooks to start cooking. So anyway, I guess I was just feeling bitter about being at work on my birthday, bitter than no one remembered there, even though I told them last week. I kept trying to remind myself that I can't be so self-important. I was really embarrassed too because when I had come into the office at the beginning of the shift everyone was passing around a birthday card that stupidly I thought was just a piece of paper because it was folded open, but I also mistook it as a half assed attempt at a "look we remembered" card. When it was sitting on the counter right above the drawer where I keep my clipboard, I stupidly read the three things that said "Happy Birthday!" followed by scribbled signatures, I stupidly was like "oh cute." I didn't even NOTICE it wasn't for me. Then, thinking the clipboard was mine I picked it up and looked at the back to check for my name, and I dropped it. This is when the card and its envelope came loose from the clipboard and fell onto the floor. I then saw that it was a colorful birthday card covered in writing, half of them in Spanish. I STILL didn't get it yet. I just thought WOW, they all know I know Spanish. Then I FINALLY noticed that they all said Happy Birthday RIGO, and I'm like who the hell is that??? I think my face turned bright red and my heart sank into my stomach as i wanted to cry from embarrassment as the whole thing finally sunk in. Gosh, I thought, now I'm certainly not telling anyone it's my birthday!!! I had to just keep reminding myself that these people barely know me, of course they didn't remember that it was my birthday, and they can't read my mind. Besides, why does it being your birthday make you special? Through all the trying to get over myself I just realized how alone I felt. I think I do a pretty good job most of the time of hiding how much I ache for Adrian not only from other people but from myself. When it comes down to it, it's really hard. And for so many reasons. Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into, why I always have to choose the difficult way of doing things. Sometimes I wonder why I gave up flirting with random boys, or partying during the summer instead of working serious hours to pay for a future, why I gave up doing everything that young people DO. But the truth is, I already know the answer, I always do. The problem with the answer is that it doesn't make any of it easier, it just makes it all more frustrating. Especially frustrating that he can't just BE here already. I love him, I love being with him, having him is so much better than having some guy who flirts with me for a night then forgets about me. I feel like all my life I've been looking for the guy that I deserve, a guy that complements my personality, that loves me exactly as the person that I am, a guy that adores me and treats me well, and most of all, a guy that makes all my insides melt, gives me goose bumps just thinking about him and how much I love him. How can I ever regret choosing that, choosing him??

I drive myself to tears just sitting here writing these words. Imagine my torment at work. I think I walked around most of my shift with the face of a little girl whose puppy has just died. A couple times when no one was looking I stopped, put my elbows on my worktable, pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, and let a few tears fall out just to make it all stop. I'm tired of living the life of miserable girl. I have that light at the end of the tunnel and I see it . . . oh do I see it. I just feel like I'll never get there . . .

monday, june 28th, 2004. 11:55am
today is my one month anniversary. at least i get to call Adrian today. I talked to him yesterday online and the computer he was on had a camera so i got to see him too. it's amazing how just talking to him for a few minutes can make me feel so much better.

work's fine, i'm really starting to feel overwhelmed by working every day. all the muscles in my body hurt to the point that i wince when someone taps me on the shoulder, or if i put a hand on my hip. even my bra strap hurts me. its really bizarre. when i finally get a day off i'll have worked three weeks in a row without a day off. pretty amazing, huh? anyway, at least i have some friends there now. this last week i was doing packaging, and that's a lot more fun because it's not quite as boring and you get to talk to people. more entertaining. haha yesterday was really funny though, because this one guy that always tries to flirt with me flat out said "it's a shame you're married." I couldn't believe he actually said that, but i just turned bright red and laughed it off. i cant STOP laughing about it now. some people are just so blunt. again, this job's great for my ego. unless you consider the self image produced by slaving away in a factory in a hairnet and ear plugs seven days a week. hairnets and earplugs can bring anyone's big ego back down to size.

anyway, i think i'll go to sleep. i had a dentist appointment today so i didn't sleep and im about to die now.

June 2004
(plus one day of May)