The Cuba Story: February

Thursday, January 28th, 2004. 2:24pm.
I'm on the plane to Toronto. I can't believe it's actually happening. I'm not sure if ill be able to access my webpage while im in cuba, but I think ill keep a record of everything on my computer and then add it when I get home.

My day started soooo early this morning. And I had that nervous feeling in my stomach like I would never be ready. My favorite part of the trip so far has been landing in Phoenix. It was beautiful there�. And I don't even like deserts!! I went from being in portland where everyone on the runway was dressed in full rain gear because it was pouring outside, to sunny phoenix, with no clouds in the sky and everyone outside wearing shorts. I wish I would've had time to go somewhere there. I never really considered visiting Arizona, but maybe now I will someday. Ok I guess that's not true, in the summer I really wanted to go there. But hmmm that didn't quite work out.

It's 2:30 west coast time but I think its like 5:30 toronto time, im not quite sure. My plane doesn't land until 7:00 their time so lets hope its only and hour and a half more. Ive already watched a full movie. Im so pissed, cause they said if you wanted to watch the movie you had to pay a $5 "entertainment fee." I figured it was worth it, and paid the money, which of course was just for a set of headphones. Ok I haven't flown on a plane that showed a movie since I was 8. I swear the headphones used to be differently shaped so you couldn't just use your own. Well. Now, they're not. So I paid the lady five bucks and got my headphones and was shocked to see that they looked like normal headphones. So I pulled my headphones (I swear ive typed that word a million times) out of my bag and tested them in the hole in the armrest. Oh yeah, they worked. I looked at the guy next to me and said "MAN!!" he kindly pointed out of me that I spent 5 bucks for nothing. Actually I think he had been kind of bitter about the price also. But who's not gonna buy em when you're on a 4.5 hour flight in the middle of the day when you can't even sleep?? Too bad I saw that movie a week or two ago when I hung out with some guys from work and their girlfriends. I hadn't even forgotten parts yet. It is a good movie, though�. Its called "Out of Time" with Denzel Washington and Eva Mendes. I hadn't even heard of it before, but I liked it even though I expected not to. Anyway, hopefully they'll show a different movie on the way back� in june. Haha. Next time I'll use my OWN headphones too.

Somehow I got signed up for my flight as a disabled passenger, so when I checked in they asked if I needed a wheelchair, and on this flight after everyone was seated the flight attendant came and asked if I would need one when we landed. It's funny, cause I know it must go against all their instincts to offer me, a young person who walks fine, a wheelchair. I know young people can be disabled too, but you know you always just see the old people in those airport wheelchairs. Anyway, it's really nice of them at least to extend the offer even though it's weird. I turned bright red when I had to explain to the flight attendant that there had been some confusion and that im not actually a disabled passenger. I was kind of cranky in Portland when they asked at the check in counter. I looked at the lady like she was on crack. It may be because she had just told me each of my bags was 9 pounds overweight and that id have to pay 50 dollars. Luckily I had kind of a defeatist attitude so I wasn't as rude to her as I felt like being and just forked over my debit card. She kept asking why I was going to Toronto, where I was going� I didn't want to tell her I was going to Cuba cause I hate the response I always get. But when I finally told her, she was like "oh well if you have proof of your flight you get a 70 pound weight limit for international flights." (but isn't Canada international???) Anyway, I didn't have any proof of my actual flight but I showed her some of my program stuff so she decided to just give it to me this time. I felt so much better. I really hadn't wanted to spend that money, but I knew I didn't want to sit in the airport and try to eliminate 18 pounds of stuff from my bags.

Anyway, now im almost to Toronto. I will spend one night here by myself in a hotel, then tomorrow afternoon ill meet my group at a different hotel. I'm so excited� I get in fairly early, ill say itll take me an hour to get my bags and clear customs, and probably some more time to get the shuttle to my airport, but I should be in my hotel room by 9ish. I loooove having hotel rooms to myself. Free cable, a big bed, and a hot shower. Plus, I haven't slept much in the last few days. I got up at 6:45 yesterday and 4:30 today. I went to bed at 1am. Im a little tired. So im looking forward to sleeping until checkout time tomorrow. Hopefully I will be refreshed for our orientation tomorrow. Im kind of nervous about that. Well maybe you could say intimidated. There are a lot of people from really good schools in the group. Like Yale and Brown, Georgetown, etc. I know I'm smart, but I'm not that smart. I guess I'm kind of used to feeling like I'm smart, a good student, etc. but what will my 3.93 mean to a 4.0 Yale student? Oh well. I am who I am. I don't even know if I'd like a school like that. There's a certain� realness about public schools. Not like I know what it's like in a private school. Also I have this thing about money.   Anyway, not important. Obviously we all have something in common, we want to live and study in cuba. That's something I cant say about a lot of people.

Saturday, January 31st, 2004. 5.58pm
I'm in Havana, I can't believe I'm finally here. There's so much to tell. i finally made it out of customs in Toronto around 9pm their time. It was only 6 my time but it felt like the middle of the night. I had a whole fiasco with the hotel telling me to wait at post 25 for my shuttle which actually picked me up at post 8. luckily some guy told me I was wrong and I barely caught it. Apparently Toronto has been having unusually cold weather lately. It was the wind that really killed while I waited there. I swear I was the only person in Toronto without a coat, hat, gloves, and scarf. I was pretty miserable so I had a way too expensive dinner at the restaurant in the overly-pretentious-for-a-bargain hotel lobby, then called my parents and went to bed. It was around 11 or 11.30 when I went to bed. I slept straight through until my wake up call at 10, and I was still dead tired. I called a taxi to take me to the hotel where orientation would be held, fumbled around with Canadian money and ended up giving the driver about a 50% tip. Oh well.

When I got to the orientation hotel there were about 5 or 6 people my age sitting and chatting in the lobby. Once I checked in they asked if I was going to cuba too, so after I took my bag upstairs I came down and chatted with them. They were all friendly, but I was still really intimidated. 2 of them accompanied me while I ate lunch, and they were both really talkative like me so it was cool. After lunch I decided to go take a nap, which I didn't end up taking because it turns out my roommate in the hotel was also very talkative. She's really cool though, it's good to know there's a few down to earth people here.

This morning our wake-up call was at 2.30. AAAH!! I got about 3 hours of bad sleep. We got to the airport and we were kind of rushed, so I didn't even get to grab breakfast. Our group (there's 74 of us) took up about half the plane and I got stuck in a middle seat. Needless to say sleeping was out of the question for me, so I watched Star Trek Generations, the in-flight movie, while both my neighbors slept.

When we FINALLY got to cuba, we were all anxiously looking out the windows. The first part I saw disappointed me. It looked kind of desert-y. but as we got closer to La Habana, there were more and more trees and hills. It's so beautiful here!!!

When we landed it was about to rain, and when we finally made it out of customs (they completely searched one of my bags, taking EVERYTHING OUT, saying I had a floppy disc which I didn't have), it was pouring down rain. It has since stopped raining, but now everything just smells really good.

Driving through Havana, it reminded me a lot of Coita, but richer. Maybe that's because Havana was really developed at one point whereas Coita never has been. For a place where everyone thinks there's destitute poverty, I think they'd be mistaken. I could tell that for a lot of the people in my group this is the poorest they've ever seen�. And they're shocked by it. I don't really know any Cubans yet and I don't know about their lives. But what I see is something totally different from what I saw in Chiapas, from the stories I heard of kids lives in el Hogar.

My apartment here is beautiful. I never expected anything like it. It's huge!! It's on the third floor of a beautiful building, you have to go up a spiral staircase to get to it. The first thing you walk into in our apartment is the porch. It's giant, with three great plastic rocking chairs. This is where I am sitting right now, writing this. The rest consists of a large living room with nice furniture and a big tv, a dining area, a kitchen, 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. The floors are all in this really pretty light colored tile with designs in the middle of every room.

There are employees that work here at our building. The first two I met were two men who insisted on carrying everyone's luggage up the stairs. Let me tell you, my bags are 60 pounds each and I was not excited about hauling them up three high-ceilinged stories of stairs. But I always want to be independent!! And I never want to expect someone to help me. So the guy grabbed one suitcase and started hauling it up the stairs so I started to follow suit--"Espereme!! (wait for me)" he called down. I helplessly dropped the bag. This is going to be really hard for me. We also have a maid. We just have to tell her how often we want our room cleaned and she'll clean it. AAAH! Also she will do our laundry and cook for us, but I believe that costs extra. Probably too expensive for my blood. But so right after I get done following this guy up who has demanded he take my bags there, this woman comes in pulling one of my suitcases into the corner saying "I'm your maid, I'm Sonia, what's your name? I can do anything you need, clean, wash, iron, cook, just let me know. Oh, except for on Sundays." I'm sorry but I am NOT used to this. I know I'm paying for it, so I should use it, but I just can't see asking someone to clean up after me. It's gonna be tough for me.

Monday, February 2nd, 2004. 9:06pm
Today I felt kinda depressed. I'm not sure why. I think I was just hot and tired. I've kind of found a good friend in this girl in our program that lives below us. I think we have a lot in common, but we're also pretty different, so it's interesting. It's weird right now because it's like, you're friendly with everyone but you know you won't end up good friends with ALL of them.

My weight has been a serious issue for me lately. I don't really know why. I think it's because here you have to wear skimpier clothing, and I can't really just run away from the fact that I've gained weight. Also, most of the girls in the program are really skinny, and it just constantly reminds me that I'm not. I don't know if I'll actually end up losing weight here, but I sure hope so. I can't even stand to look at my arms. And I feel so WIDE.

I had kind of developed a slight crush on this guy from the program, but I pretty much decided that there are so many pretty girls here, why would he end up liking me?? I know that sounds so insecure, but I am. I was right, too, he's already hooking up with this one girl who's really pretty, and skinny. I wonder why sometimes I have confidence with guys and sometimes I don't. I don't think I want to date here in Cuba though, because I feel like if someone did want to date me it would only be because I'm American. Like this old man already tried to get us to meet his son today. I know it's more common in Latin America to get cat calls, but I'll still never be ok with it. It's not even flattering, its just like "oh you're female, alright!!" It's degrading because I feel like my personality has so much to offer, but they don't even care about that.

If I go until the end of this trip without having a boyfriend, that will make a year and 3 months without a boyfriend. That's so long for me. I feel like I need to find out how to enjoy being alone. I'm so dependent. I think if I learn independence from guys I won't be as needy of a girlfriend as I have been in the past. I feel like there must be something really wrong with me for guys to never stick around more that 6 months.

This neighborhood is really loud. I feel like going to bed but dogs are barking and people are laughing. This was definitely not my best day. I have a really severe cold�. My throat hurts, my whole head is congested, runny nose, watery eyes, the whole thing. Someone at dinner asked me if I was ok. That's not a good sign.

I wish I could leave on a positive note, but today was not really a positive day. So perhaps I'll try again later. Adios.

Wednesday, February 4th, 2003.
By Monday morning I had gotten pretty sick so I decided not to go out that night. I'm still really sick but at least I feel functional. It's just a cold but for the past couple days I just felt like camping out in my bed and not moving, ever. Now its mostly just a cough and runny nose.

Monday night I went to bed early, around 11:30. I was coughing so much that I couldn't sleep. Then the other girls that live here and one of their friends came home. They were really loud so I got up and decided to watch tv until I got really tired. The thing is they were trying to flush the toilet in the bathroom I share with Maggie, my roommate. This other girl had used it because someone was showering in the other bathroom, but she couldn't get it to flush. The toilet doesn't flush very strongly and the damn things were floaters haha. Anyway, it was a really comical (I know it sounds gross though) situation. After that they all sat down at the table to play cards and I lied down on the couch to watch tv. Later Maggie came home and we all sat around the table talking. It was the first time I had really talked to some of them. There are 6 of us in this apartment. That's gonna be hard� but I think we won't really be spending that much time here. Anyway, I didn't mind that I didn't get to bed till after two because the company was so good. We all just are pretty down to earth about things. Definitely not all to the same degree, but it's just fun to sit around and laugh until it hurts about things like the poop that wouldn't flush� you know?

Yesterday was a very eventful day. I missed the 2:30 bus to town because I went to the mall to buy a skirt. It sucks, I had to get XL. I hate this. I hate seeing myself in the mirror. Anyway, since I could only get one size I had to get the ugliest color.. but at least it goes with everything. So by the time I made it to the Villa the bus had left (the only time anything goes according to schedule). I chilled for a little bit there before I returned to the apartments because I was way too hot. It's funny, all the Cubans tell us it's cold right now. I want to DIE when they say that cause it's so hot. I got on the 3:30 bus that left from the apartments and he dropped us off in Habana Vieja (Old Havana) right on the Malecon. The Malecon is basically a really wide sidewalk borders much of the water around Havana� mostly in Vedado and Habana Vieja. Tons of people hang out there. Anyway, since I had gone there alone to take pictures, I started taking pictures and walking, looking around. I think I should be a photographer because I swear, I'm always looking for the perfect picture. There's this old lady in Habana Vieja that's always sitting in her doorway sucking on a huge cigar� she just has this massively eccentric look about her. I always want to take her picture but it always embarrasses me to ask. I have almost a whole role of turista pictures� now I need to start taking pictures of the PEOPLE here. In time!!

Anyway, it wasn't long after I began walking that I heard "Hello, where are you from" in a thick accent. It sounded different from the usual cat call so I turned my head there were two guys and a girl sitting on the wall. I only talked to them because the girl was there. We talked for a really long time and they let me sit down with them. The girl interested me the most because she seemed really passionate. She studied in the university for 4 years (they finish in 5) and had left because she had a baby. She was very smart, and had a way of explaining things that was easy to understand. The thing that reminded me of myself was that, although she had studied English a lot, she wouldn't speak it. I could tell she knew a lot because one of the guys kept trying to use English phrases that he would use incorrectly and she would tell him why he was wrong and what phrase he should use. They were asking if I liked President Bush, and I said not really. Then they asked what I thought about Castro. I told them I didn't really know because I don't live here. The girl said "Es bueno (He's good)" very firmly. I asked why and she started talking about how people always complain about the government but parts of it are just what the people here do. Part of me wonders if she was referring to the informal businesses that don't pay taxes and the stores that only take dollars, but I'm not sure. I told them that I had observed Havana very closely and I haven't seen anyway the degree of abject poverty�. Misery that I saw in Mexico. All at once they firmly agreed. No, no, we don't have that here. I think it's really important for people to realize that yes, there is poverty in Cuba. But I feel like if a country doesn't have like extremely rich concentrations, everyone assumes that it's way too poor and that the people are miserable. The problem is all in our perception of what is "comfortable."   Many don't realize that the worldview of different cultures is very different than ours.

So the three of them took me up to the top of this building where there's a restaurant called Mirardor a la Bahia. It overlooks the whole bay� it was beautiful and I got some good pictures. When we were getting into the elevator to go back down, the lady wouldn't let the last two on because it was too full. The guy I was left with was the one that had kind of been hitting on me. When we got to the bottom we started to leave and I was like "What about your friends??" He told me he had told them he'd meet them later. He took me to see a few more cool things before I had to head back to the bus. He told me about some salsa thing that night and asked if I would go. I said yeah that I'd bring my friends. No way in hell I would have gone by myself.

Maggie came with me, and the guy, Alexis, brought his friend with him. I had told him I'd meet him outside the Hotel Habana Libre. They said it would take about 45 minutes to walk to where we were going. It was actually a very interesting time. While we were walking we passed to police officers who stopped the two guys and asked them for their ID. I have already seen this happen once. If the police see Cubans with foreigners they ask for ID, and will fine them if it appears that they have been bothering them. I read about it first in a book. But the other day a group of girls met some Cubans who walked then back to the Habana Libre to meet our bus. The police stopped them but since the girls didn't want any problems with the police, they stayed away. Because of this, the guys got fined. Luckily, Maggie and I knew this now, so we stuck around while the police checked out their IDs. It was a difficult situation for me because as far as I'm concerned, if you haven't done anything, there should be no reason for the police to stop you. "Es normal, es normal," they kept saying. It's normal, it's to protect you guys, to make sure people aren't bothering you. They seemed so ok with it. It totally threw me for a loop. I would've been pissed. Then again, I'm not from here.

Anyway, they took us to this bar where there was supposed to be some salsa thing, but it kind of was just like this concert with these two old guys singing. We danced a little but not really. I had my first mojito, well my first drink ever. Mojitos are like the famous Cuban drink. I thought it was disgusting. Probably because I never drink alcohol. Everyone thinks they're great. Weird. So I traded Maggie for her Cuba Libre (Rum and Coke) which just tasted like Coke. By this time those guys were trying hardcore to charm us and we both we just like whatever. I told him straight up that I'd love to be his friend but I don't want anything more than that. He agreed but kind of pouted. I didn't really NOTICE an effect from the drink I had, but now that I look back there definitely was one. One drink was enough to affect me because I've never in my life drank. On the way home I would kind of wobble every once in awhile, and suddenly it became much more natural to speak Spanish. By no means whatsoever was I drunk. Just relaxed I guess. I always thought it would FEEL different, like alcohol makes you dizzy or something. Well I suppose you have to have more than one drink for that, right?

We tried to walk home from the bar and after 45 minutes we were back to where we started and still an hour away from where we live. Maggie and I split a taxi the rest of the way home. It was definitely worth 2 dollars each. Morning came so quickly. I didn't fall asleep till way after 2am because of my cough. Im really sleepy right now but I think I'll wait till after dinner to take a nap.

9:24pm
The neighborhood we live in, Miramar, is where all the diplomats live. There are tons of beautiful embassies and beautiful houses, nice cars, etc. Definitely a nicer neighborhood than I could live in. Last night when we took our trek to the bar, they took us through this neighborhood in Habana Vieja that's was a complete contrast to our neighborhood. The buildings were beautiful, but very run down. I paid a lot of attention because that's the kind of neighborhood I'd rather live in. I want to see what it's really like to live in Cuba. Honestly I'd prefer to think that those kinds of places don't exist but they do. The thing is, they're not living in makeshift shacks, etc. I still don't see any of the terrible things that shocked me about Mexico, about other places that I've studied. They're just really old buildings. The Cuban experiment really fascinates me. I want to learn so much about it!!

Sunday, February 8th, 2004. 9:38pm
Well I guess I'll start with Thursday. That was quite a day.   I went to Habana Vieja with this guy, Eric on the bus from our program. He had some Cuban friends I was going to meet. We had a pretty low key afternoon, just sitting in the shade waiting for his friend. First we walked around this little art fair there, then we sat down on the sidewalk outside of a hotel. It was really nice to sit and people watch. These three little girls walked by and asked for my pencil. All the little kids here ask for pencils and soap. I gave one a pencil and one a pen, and the third my empty water bottle. They passed by a few times, chatting with me, looking at my piercings, counting them, etc. each time they left, each one of them would kiss my cheek. I swear I fell in love with those kids!!!

When Eric's friend still hadn't shown up we walked around the fair again, looking, then camped out, leaning on a fence, looking around. This drunk guy that looked like Dennis Rodman and his even more drunk friend came up and started talking to us. They were really weird and somehow we got roped into sitting down in this little caf� with them. The Dennis Rodman one started telling me how he had fallen in love with me at first sight and stuff, and I was so weirded out. They have no sense of personal space here. I don't know if he finally got the hint or whatever but eventually they left. We were about to leave when the guys at the next table started talking to us. And not in the gross way. I started talking to this kid who's 15, named Yorvi. he was so sweet!! He was super shy and asked if we could be friends so he could learn about our country and stuff. I told him I could help him with his English, too. I was so relieved to find a Cuban friend that ISN'T trying to hit on me�. Even if it's because he's too young to have any chance at all.

When we had a little over an hour to get back for dinner, Eric and I decided to leave. Our bus stop was a ways away so Yorvi offered to walk us there, since we didn't know where it was. We were walking and we passed a painted wall that said "Solidaridad" and I wanted to take a picture of it, so I stopped and got out my camera. By the time I got done taking it, the two police officers on the corner had asked him for his carnet. I pretty much didn't think it would be a problem as long as Eric and I vouched for him. "he's our friend, he's just taking us to our bus stop, everything's fine."
"When did you meet him? Where?"
Yorvi told them where and when and they were like "no" and started to write down his information and tell him to go away. "WE'LL tell them how to get to their bus." Now I was getting pissed. I started to get an attitude.
"What, we can't have Cuban friends??"
"We'll explain it to you when he leaves."
I was so mad that I had to just stay quiet because I didn't want any problems with the police. He left toward his house and said goodbye, told me to call him. I liked that, rubbing it in the police's face.
So then the damn policemen spend like 20 minutes trying to give us directions to get on our bus. "Catch the 27, take it to Zanja and Galiano, then you can catch the P1 there." They wrote it out for us and everything. Once on the bus, we asked for the help of the people on it to find our stop. We got off at the right place, but the P1 didn't stop there. There we were in the middle of the Barrio Chino (Chinese district) with no idea how to get home. We walked down to the next bus stop, it wasn't right either. The people at the stop said the P4 would go to Miramar, that we just had to take it to the tunnel. Sounded easy enough. We stayed on the P4 all the way until the last stop� we never made it to the tunnel. We were trying to go to 5th Ave and Street 6. We ended up at 5th F and Street 120. Waaaayyyy far from where we needed to be. Not walking distance. So we got back on the P4 going the other way. When we got off we were at 23rd and 12. not as bad, but still very far, and in Vedado, not in Miramar.

By then we had missed dinner, it was around 8. we had run into the police around 6:30. We decided to find a restaurant. We sat down in this little cafeteria that didn't even have a menu. The guy said they had fried chicken so we ordered that with sodas. As we were finishing two guys, probably in their 30s, sat next to us with beers, and started talking to us. One was a heart surgeon, the other a chemical engineer. Cuba is amazing. At home, that kind of people wouldn't waste their time talking to me. We talked for a long time, then they told us they would help us find a taxi. By this time I felt really sick from the food and I needed to find a bathroom. The restaurant's bathroom, which I had already used, was too scary for me to go back. The toilet didn't flush, there were no lights, no sink, the door had a huge hole in it, I could see into the restaurant from where I sat on the toilet�. I just couldn't do it again, especially being that sick. So the guys were nice enough to walk us a few blocks to a nicer restaurant where I could use the restroom.
"Won't they yell at us?" I asked the heart surgeon.
"What?? We're in CUBA!!" he laughed at me.
They tried to get us a peso taxi (an old car crammed full of people for 10 pesos wherever you're going). Ten pesos is less than 50 cents. Because the drivers could see us, two white tourist looking people, they were trying to charge us 3 bucks a person. I could get a REAL taxi for less than that. So we both said no way. They walked us down to the P1 station, the whole time the heart surgeon was asking me about our educational system. Trying to explain to him that I was going to be in debt when I finish school because my family doesn't qualify for financial aid was the hardest thing. He didn't understand at all. In a way I don't understand either.

Anyway, we got on the P1 and finally made it home at 11:00pm. When I got home Yorvi had called to see if I wanted to go out. I was sad I missed his call. Its weird im so excited to hang out with a kid. Its just, with him I can relax cause I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings or having to fend him off.

Friday we left at 7:30am for Trinidad, which is between 4 and 5 hours from Havana. Our resort there was amazing. We had these "all-inclusive" bracelets so we got all our food and drinks for free. Friday we got there, had lunch, and went to lie on the beach for the rest of the day. It was so warm, so relaxing� ive never been at a beach resort like that before. I felt like I was in a dream. I felt I needed to take advantage of the free drinks so I had a couple pi�a coladas. They didn't affect me, though, cause they had lots of ice and they were small. It was also over like 5 hours. They tasted really good though. The real trouble came Saturday when I hadn't eaten as much for lunch and I didn't spend as long on the beach. I had one pi�a colada and two cuba libres. The cuba libres were really strong. I got my second one on the way up to my room. I laid on my bed and drank it while I watched the discovery channel, waiting for my roommate to get out of the shower. As I finished it I realized it felt like the whole room was moving. When she came out I got up and was like "WHOA, I think im a little drunk." In all reality I think I was just a little tipsy, but since ive never been anything, it was totally bizarre. My roommate there, Ina, didn't want me to take a shower cause she thought id hurt myself. I wasn't really worried about that, but it was quite an experience. The worst part was we had to be at a group meeting in 20 minutes. I went to the meeting and I told some of the girls I live with what was going on� they all just laughed at me. I just sat really quietly the whole time, wishing the whole world would stop moving and darting around. After the meeting we went to dinner, which was difficult cause I couldn't keep my damn food on my silverware. After I ate, though, I was cured and I wasn't drunk anymore. Honestly I'd prefer to not get to that point again, but it was by no means a bad thing. I think as long as I just stick to having a couple drinks responsibly, ill be ok. It's not illegal here, I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. I feel way too grown up. Im the youngest person in this group but somehow the most responsible drinker. How does that work. All the girls I live with think im going to be a lush. Maggie thinks she corrupted me cause she was there when I had my first drink. I think I provide them with amusement so whatever.

I certainly don't feel like I belong anywhere in this group yet. Sometimes I do, especially with the girls I live with� but even then sometimes I feel on the outside. I start classes Tuesday and I'm so ready to make Cuban friends, and get away from this whole high school clique atmosphere.

Cuban food isn't what I expected either. Its very greasy, not many vegetables (although lots of good fruit), and it always makes me sick. It's not that it's gross, im just longing for something familiar. Now we have to pay for our own food so tonight when I got back from Trinidad, I went to the restaurant attached to our apartments. I had a large piece of grilled chicken with rice (really bad, and dry) and a tomato/cucumber salad and a soda for $2.45 USD. It's really cheap but it will add up. I feel like I paid tons of money for this program, the least they could do is feed me for crying out loud.

Anyway, registration is tomorrow so I have to get up kind of early. I guess I'll go to bed now. Oh im so tired. I want to sleep for the rest of my life.

Monday, February 9th, 2004. 6.34pm
Today I met the weirdest lady ever. She was totally off her rocker. She spoke English almost perfectly, but she was Cuban. At first she just seemed eager to meet foreigners, and showed us her whole list of people and addresses. But then she started going off about how the government controls everything. Her family had been rich before the revolution, so obviously she felt screwed. At first I was just interested to hear another point of view. But gradually as she kept talking I realized this lady was off her rocker. She kept saying that everyone here is evil, all the Cubans are evil except her and her son. She wouldn't even get in the elevator in her building because she swore everyone here is homosexual and they would "touch her" in the elevator. Oh my gosh. Then she started talking about how the government used children to harass her by calling her crazy and stuff. I wanted to tell her that maybe it was because she WAS crazy. Then she was talking about how when she goes to get her rations they poison her food because she's a rebel�everyone's always poisoning her, etc. etc. and that she can't go to the doctor here. Why? Because it's part of "the system" and if she goes, it means she accepts "the system". Come on. It was the most insane conversation I've had. But I just listened. I've noticed that a lot of the Cubans will get into talking to you nonstop without giving you room to speak� or even if there is room and you don't respond, they'll just keep on going, thinking you're enthralled with their conversation. Wow. Its quite an interesting culture. Many things that are going to take getting used to.

The one thing I really like about Havana is that I'm never afraid of getting robbed at gunpoint� or injured in any way for that matter. Everyone warned me of how dangerous it would be here�. Maybe they were just referring to the government which is dumb anyway, since this country relies on tourism and the government does everything in its power to make sure we like their country. Yeah, us foreigners get robbed a lot� we're a natural target. One girl got her purse snatched in Habana Vieja.   They warn us to only bring zippered bags held close on the bus. I saw a kid jump up to the bus window at a stop and snatch a baseball hat off of a guy's head, then take off running. In all this however, I just remember that I need to not bring much money with me, and I'll be fine. I'm not terrified. I even get scared sometimes in downtown salem�. Of getting robbed with a gun or a knife. They're just pickpockets and purse snatchers here. I can deal with that.

I started hand washing my clothes today. I bought a bucket and laundry detergent. Its not bad if you only wash like a few shirts and a few pair of underwear a day. It just takes like an hour out of your time. I can handle that. It's actually kind of peaceful to sit on the porch with my soap and my bucket and clothes, scrubbing away and listening to MTV en Espa�ol on the TV. We'll see if they ever dry now.

Thursday, February 12th, 2004. 8:51am
8:00 am??? What??? That's right. I've gotten so accustomed to waking up early that today, when I don't have any classes, I got up at 7:30. yikes. I think I will be entitled to a nap soon, but we'll see.

The last couple days have been pretty relaxed actually, even though every day is an adventure. I had my Spanish grammar class on Tuesday, decided not to take it though. It's like the English grammar classes we have to take back home. But when it's your second language and the teacher is rambling on about verbs used as nouns and the structure of words, all in Spanish with the heavy Cuban accent� it's enough to drive you insane. She kept saying to the two of us that were Americans in that class that she'd explain it to us better after class on Thursday. Oh wait, it's Thursday!! And the class started an hour ago!! Oh well hehe. Im dropping that class and taking African Art (I hate art classes but I have to take a class in the Arts and Letters department) and Sociology of Education which should be interesting. Yesterday I had my "Globalization and Insertion of Cuba in the International Economy" class. It was 3 hours and 15 minutes and I was so tired I honestly wanted to die. It was kind of boring probably just because I only understood every 5th word, and when I tried to write something down, I would miss the rest of what she said. I got so behind that I just stopped taking notes. I figure I will start understanding more once I get used to it. I'm already starting to understand my Cuban friends better.

I made friends with one of the neighbors around here. He's shown me lots of places in Havana where I can buy things in pesos. That's helpful because everything's way cheaper in pesos. Also he has the most adorable six year old daughter who thinks she has to help me learn to read and write Spanish. She's adorable. Last night her grandma just flat out said "Do you have a notebook you can give her? Look at hers, it's falling apart." So today I think I will go buy her a few notebooks and pencils. Little kids on the street here always ask for pencils and soap and only ask for money if you don't have pencils or soap. And even then it's a monedita, a small coin, not a dollar or anything, usually to buy ice cream or a soda.

Oh, also my 15 year old friend from last Thursday came and visited me last night. And he brought his hot 19 year old cousin. I love my life. They're both very different from a lot of Cubans I've met. SUPER shy. But it's kind of endearing. Yorvi told me he wants me to be his mejor amiga, his best friend. How refreshing!!

Today I don't have class so im going into town for a little bit. Im going to look for the university bookstore, I really want to get a couple shirts. Also im going to buy the little girl some notebooks and stuff. Not sure what else I'll do there yet but im sure nothing will go according to my plans. It never does here! That's what I love though, everything is so unplanned, spontaneous. Yesterday after my class I went to find something to eat with Eric, then ran into some of the girls I live with and we went with their Cuban friends (one that's in love with Alexis, the other with Caitlin) to hang out all afternoon in Havana. It's amazing how many guys are willing to be our friends, but girls never approach us. Let's do the math! I guess I'll have to try harder to make friends that are girls.

Anyway im feeling sleepy again so I think ill lie down.

Saturday, February 14th, 2004. 9:05pm
Valentine's day! Ha. Today was probably my worst day yet. Let's start at the beginning. Last night was an amazing night. I went out with some of the neighbors and two of their Venezuelan friends (one of whom was BEAUTIFUL). Also my roommate and another girl came with us. We were going to some hip hop concert, and we left and got on the bus to Vedado, near the university, where the concert was. This place cracks me up. We're sitting on the bus and they just break out their bottle of rum and start drinking and smoking, right there. We got there and I was feeling kind of� I dunno, timida, shy�. I wasn't feeling the dancing. Couple sips from the bottle of rum would help that, right? Well apparently I didn't have just a little. By the time I realized its effect, I was pretty shit-faced. But it was fun. I didn't feel sick or anything. I was having a great time dancing, and I only felt weird when the music stopped for a second, and all the real movement stopped and the fake movement-- where the world feels like it's moving-begins. I was really trying for the hot Venezuelan but it wasn't working out. Before, when we had been in Vladimir's house, and I met him� I thought I had a chance because he kept looking at me, you know? I can tell these things pretty well usually. Maybe it's just cause I was too drunk but I was definitely not getting anywhere during the concert. I actually danced more with the other Venezuelan, who was a better dancer anyway.

Getting home felt like it took forever! I felt so tired, so heavy. On the bus the hot Venezuelan kept asking if I was ok. I really just felt like kissing him but as drunk as I was, I wasn't dumb enough to do that. I fell heavily into my bed around 2:30, but I didn't sleep right away. My mind was racing with tons of things. Even then I woke up when the neighbors started playing music at 6am. I finally got up around 7 to watch tv� and ended up going to breakfast since I was up. Now when I woke up, I was still drunk�. And DEAD TIRED. I felt like lying in my bed the rest of the day. I remembered that I had told Claudio, a guy from school, that I would go to the book fair with him at El Morro in the morning. I decided he would hopefully understand if I told him I had drunk too much and felt bad. Oooh I was wrong. When he called he acted all like "oh ok fine" and first. Then we hung up. Five minutes later he calls again� sounding really mad. "you said you would go with me and now you're just backing out�." Total guilt trip. So I was like "fine, I'll go" all the while thinking "you demanding ass prick there's no way I'll ever hang out with you again after this."

On top of everything, my breakfast had given me (excuse the term) raging diarrhea. So I as I got ready to go, I constantly had to use the bathroom. I sat outside on a step, holding my stomach because it hurt so bad, and feeling very close to throwing up. Once he came and we got on the bus, it was even worse because the movement made me feel terribly ill� and I had to stand scrunched onto the bus, feeling like I would pass out any minute.

It took two hours of walking, riding busses, and waiting, to get there. And when we got there we barely saw anything anyway. it was nice and all, but I was just not in the mood. I was pissed that he had guilted me into coming, I felt like shit, etc. I told him I had to be home by 5 but oh, that didn't pan out either with all of his creative bus routes. I sound so mean, but I was just in such a bad mood by the time I got home. Then, and hour after I got home he called and started saying that he wants to spend time with me, basically like a boyfriend, but he wouldn't actually say it, telling me we'll talk on Monday. It makes me so mad because every guy here that is friends with you is really just out to hook up with you. Im so tired of it!!! The only guy I want to hook up with is the hot Venezuelan� probably just because he's not Cuban!!! Today was a bad day for me�. I got really fed up with this country. We all find it kind of hard to adapt here. My living conditions are amazing� but as far as interpersonal relationships in cuba�. It feels impossible. I think if I were a guy it might be a little better. But I'm not so what do I do???   More tomorrow (hopefully).

Monday, February 16th, 2004. 11:05am
Oh man. It's totally set in. im so sick of this fucking country I could die. I swear everyone's just out to take advantage of you here. I can't make real friends, they always have an agenda. I just feel like sitting in my house and crying and never leaving again.

Last night I went out again because three of the neighbors and the two Venezuelans were going to the hip hop club again. I was excited because I had such a good time last time and because I really want the hot Venezuelan. Anyway, it turned out to be a bust because the stupid 30 year old neighbor kept asking why I don't want to be his girlfriend again. I thought I made that clear to him the other day. I swear!! I was so annoyed. Then he got kind of possessive cause I was dancing with some other Cuban. I mean who cares??? Then we got in a fight cause he wanted to leave but the rest of our group was staying and I wanted to stay with them. He was all like "you came here with me" and I was like "no I came with everyone." Then he tried to tell me that they weren't going back to where I live which was a lie because one of them lives almost across the street from me. I was so pissed and annoyed I just started going of on him in English about how much I can't stand all the guys in this country. The music ended anyway, while we were fighting. I started to leave, not caring where they all were anymore. I know how to get home (ok I wasn't really thinking clearly because hanging out in Centro Habana alone at 1am probably wouldn't be the best idea in the world). I was just so incredibly annoyed. Then the hot Venezuelan came up beside me and handed me the tiniest little kitten he had found. I wanted to bring it home with me!!! I know I could take such good care of it�. But we're not allowed to have pets so I carried it like a block then let it go (after begging Bladimir, one of the neighbors, to take care of it for me) because I didn't want it to lose its mom too. The kitten and the hot Venezuelan cheered me up a little bit. Roland, the 30 year old neighbor disappeared 'cause he was still pissed. It was around this time I realized I had given him my keys to put in his pocket because I didn't have one. This pissed me off even more. The bus we took stopped right after the tunnel and we had to walk a lot. The hot Venezuelan convinced me to walk barefoot because I got a really nasty blister from my sandals (anything for you, my love hehehe). We got back to my building around 2, but I didn't have my keys (grrr) so Bladimir and this other kid and I waited for Roland at the restaurant next door. I didn't get to go home until 2:30. I was so pissed at the world at this point. And I still am. I'm so annoyed with this country, these people. I've read so many good things about Cuban people� why haven't I met any of them yet??' probably because all the people that wrote those things were guys and didn't have to deal with the frustrations of trying to make friends here.

Ok, to be fair, I've met one good person here, Yorvi, the 15-year-old who actually turned 16 yesterday. He's a total sweetheart. He admitted the other day that he has a crush on me but it was cute because he's like "I know when we met you made me promise to want to be only your friend, and sometimes it's hard 'cause I look at you and you're so pretty, but I know I can only be your friend." He said all of this with his head down, looking at his shoes. I don't think I've met any other Cubans that shy yet. It's sad though cause his cousin who is my age is really cute� but that would be mean!   Oh well, maybe ill just stick to Venezuelans for now. The truth is I don't really have any chance with the hot Venezuelan and he leaves next month I believe. So whatever. A day at a time. Maybe someday I'll stop hating this country.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004. 1:43pm
Well. I don't feel QUITE as bitter today as I did yesterday. However, I still hate it here. I've just gotten to the point where I feel like every single person in this whole damn country only wants to take advantage of foreigners, nothing else. It doesn't matter that their intentions seem friendly at first. They WILL try to get something from you, they DO have some kind of agenda. Even like when I was trying to get into the book fair� I was paying in pesos because I'm allowed to as a temporary resident of Cuba. But right away they picked me out and gave me shit, asking for all the ID I had. Because my resident ID is in processing, I carry my University ID and a letter from the university that explains that my visa in processing. However, they told me my letter was not valid because it didn't have a stamp. Oh come on. Ill go make up a stamp if you want!! I swear the government of this country only treats foreigners well as long as they are shelling out their dollars.

The whole existence of a dual economy in cuba causes a lot of problems I think. There are those who have dollars (from family in the U.S.) and those that do not. It's difficult, although not impossible, to get by on only your peso salary here and nothing else. People pretty much do everything they can to get dollars. That's where the problems come in. The anti-castro propaganda seeks to point out the exsistence of prostitution in cuba as a result of this. It's true, the medium salary in cuba is the equivalent of about 20 dollars a month. So one night with a foreigner for 20 dollars can double one's income. However, this is a choice, just as it is in the U.S., a method chosen by some for dealing with one's poverty. This is not the only way people get dollars. While you are trying to hail a taxi, someone may pull over and offer you a ride for a dollar a person. People seek out foreigners in the streets, offering to find them a hotel or restaurant. My friends ended up paying a jinetero five bucks for finding them a place to stay in Pinar del Rio because they didn't have their passports and no legal casa particular (a family's house where you can rent a room) would give them a room. Imagine, find 4 groups of foreigners that need help finding a place to stay, there you've doubled that 20 dollar a month salary. The thing about the actual amount of the salary is that it's deceiving. It sounds like human rights abuses, doesn't it? But the Cuban government provides all health care, education, etc. plus rations (albeit not enough) of food every month. There aren't people in Cuba living on the streets. They all have a home. Yes, many of the buildings are in disrepair, crumbling. But they are not even close to as bad as the shanty towns of all other major latin American cities.

The setup here sounds pretty good, in comparison to other third world countries. However, human nature sets in and this is where I begin to hate this place. People don't want to be your friend because of who you are� not even to learn about where you are from. It is only to have connections to dollars. I hate it. Everyone just wants to take advantage of me here and im so tired of it.

Yesterday was rock bottom for me. Today hasn't been much better yet. However, I met some Cuban girls who were really nice today, and I felt a little better. Also, ive met some other foreigners who are from latin American countries. In some ways I feel like I can relate to them better. Im dying to talk to the Venezuelans without the Cubans around, to see if they feel how I feel. Too bad I only know them through Cubans!

I've decided to not be quite as friendly as I was when I got here. I'm a little to wary now. Today as I walked down the street in Vedado I had a permanent "don't talk to me or ill kill you look" plastered on my face and when the cab drivers said "pretty lady, need a taxi?" I almost bit their heads off with my reply. Most of my classes start next week, im hoping for some real friends in my classes, but we'll see. Im not convinced it will happen yet.

11:50pm
I need another 4 credit class. I don't feel like taking my economics class. It's too much, she gave us over 50 pages of reading for homework� IN SPANISH. It's a non-integrated class so its kind of cruel to give all the non-spanish speakers that homework. Also its over 3 hours all at once, it's kind of way too much to handle and the teacher talks really fast. All I want to do is sleep the whole time. I don't really know what else to take though. At the same time, though, the integrated classes are a lot to handle. Cuban classes are so bizarre. The students talk through the whole thing, not even paying attention. They sit in the middle of class and smoke. It's more like a circus than anything. It can be really refreshing to sit in a nice organized class of Americans�. Even though that's not why I'm here. I'm just so exhausted by cuba. Man I really should go to bed, I'm gonna want to sleep through that whole class.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004. 11:50pm
Today was pretty blah, which I actually needed. My class was really boring and kind of stressful, but not horrible. I ran into some of the same old people at the university, but didn't stick around. I washed a whole bunch of clothes this afternoon. I took about 4 hours, and I only got half done. My knuckles REALLY hurt now. It's funny cause Cubans will always offer to let me use their washing machines, even though they have to pay for water. Really I should just pay one of the neighbors a little bit of money to use their washer. But I have this certain sense of independence and satisfaction from hand-washing my own clothes. It makes me feel less spoiled. Although it would be kind of dumb to waste tons of time pointlessly. But I really do think it builds character. Wow that sounds amazingly corny.

For dinner I walked down to Calle 2 for a cajita. This literally means "little box." They're typically filled with rice, some veggies, potato, and a large piece of meat. The ones on Calle 2 cost 25 pesos (a dollar) though some places sell them for cheaper. Cajitas are good, but very greasy and WAY too much food so I always feel like I'm wasting.

It's been cold here since Monday� it's really weird. I mean not COLD cold, but now that im kind of used to cuba I think I feel the cold more. All the Cubans are running around complaining of the cold left and right. Im just happy to get to wear a sweatshirt and jeans!!   The walk to Calle 2 was really cold though because we live so close to the ocean. I live literally half a block from the beach. It's colder and windier here than in town near the university. Yorvi came to visit again tonight and since here no one except the people who live in my building can enter, he couldn't come hang out in our living room. We walked around outside and I swear he froze to death. I appreciate that kid so much. El unico cubano que todavia me cae bien.

One of the best things about cuba is the ice cream. These people do their ice cream right. Near the university is Coppelia, a place famous for the lines of people waiting to get their ice cream. The thing is, coppelia is about the experience. People socialize in line, etc. you can get 5 huge scoops of ice cream for 5 pesos cubanos, which is a little less than 20 american cents. Also, the little cafeteria next to our building sells pints of magnificent ice cream (my pick is the chocolate, of course) for a dollar. Im addicted to those. I just put one away. I can eat the whole thing in one sitting easy but I feel kind of naseous afterward so I try not to. Plus my roommates elude to my being a pig. Oooh yeah I have definitely lost weight here. Yay for me. Lets hope it keeps going!!!

Anyway, sorry today was so random. Just one of those days I guess.

Saturday, February 21, 2004. 5:46pm
So I decided that in order to get exercise here, I'm going to walk home from school every day. I figured out the route from the route the bus takes, but I chose to walk one block over to avoid all the cars and people. The thing about living in a big city, especially one with a lot of old cars, is that there's lots of smog and fumes and stuff. Anyway, the walk is actually very pleasant, though kind of long. It takes probably an hour and 15 minutes. It's not that bad, though, especially if I walk with someone. I'm determined to lose weight here!!! Actually I've already lost weight, but now that I've actually found places to eat I don't think it will last much longer without some exercise.

Anyway, last night I wasn't really planning on going out. I was just going to hang out in my apartment with Sara watching Daredevil (Blah bad movie) on HBO. Around 10:30 Yara, Thuy, and Erin came in to grab Sandy to go down to the beach. Sara and I decided to go too� I didn't really want to because I was really tired, but I decided since it's only half a block away I could just come home if I was bored. We went outside and 4 of Yara's friends from the University were there with a guitar. We all went over to the beach and one guy started playing the guitar and singing. After awhile all the guys were teaching us how to dance, it was a blast. We stayed there, chatting, dancing, and singing until like 2:30am. It was great to get to hang out with some of the least sketchy guys I've met so far.

I'm starting to come back up from my rock bottom beginning of the week. i spent most of the week being less-than-social. I think it actually helped to just take a step back. I have had a little drama these last few days, but nothing too serious. I think my biggest problem is that I don't know if I like the guy, or just like the idea of the guy�the attention. Who knows. Anyway, im gonna go find dinner im starving.

Sunday, February 22, 2004. 11:31pm
Hoy me desmay� en la guagua. Today I passed out on the bus. It was one of the most terrifying things. First I have to explain what it's like to ride the bus in Havana. It's pretty much the way everyone gets everywhere because it's super cheap and not many people have cars. Now, it's very rare to actually get on the bus when it's not super packed. The only time I have been this lucky was at night. Anyway, a typical bus encounter is to fight for your way on board (so as not to have to wait for the next), then push your way forward into a spot where you can hold on, all while trying to pay the conductor and receiving your change. You get on in the front and get off in the back. So at every stop as people descend from the back you usually have the conductor and the driver both yelling "sigan caminando caballeros� permiso, permiso�sigan avanzando�miren, por el medio pasillo�corrale corraele." This is basically a whole bunch of things to urge people to keep squishing towards the back. The goal is to make it to the back, close but not too close to the door, about one stop before where you get off (a problem if you don't know where you're getting off). As you get off you have to yell "Permiso! Permiso!!! Que me quedo!!" in a loud, obnoxious, nasally voice. Such an experience.

So today i went to the beach at Guanabo with Adrian�. A guy with whom I have a bit of a thing but not really. I was very exhausted, hungry, etc. I had barely eaten anything, nor drank much water the whole day. We had made the hour long trek in the 462 bus and waited about 45 minutes to get onto the P1 to take us home. We barely got on it, stepping in the door as the bus moved away from the curb and shoving our way upward. We stood behind the conductor, near the front, facing the first row of seats. Now that I think about it I think I had my knees locked from the squished position I was standing. Or at least one knee. Anyway, we were about halfway home but still really far away when I mentioned to Adrian that my hunger was making me feel faint. I felt really nauseous and kind of weak. A couple minutes later I began to black out, and I knew I was screwed. I tried to sit down, which wouldn't have worked anyway, but didn't work even more because Adrian pulled me back up. "oh shit," I said and put my arms around him, leaning my head on his chest, and praying it would go away.

The next thing I knew everything was swirling about me, twisting and turning, the noise of the guagua, everything so fast, moving so violently� so LOUD. I began to come out of it when I felt someone yank on my tongue. Dear heavens, I'm not having a SEIZURE! I thought. I coughed and gagged, still half blacked out. People staring, Adrian's terrified face, everything moving, everything still half black, how did I get in this seat? Adrian is shaking me, trying to make me wake up. Im frustrated, can't communicate. When I finally regain my composure a little I try to put my head between my legs. I'm an experienced fainter. He keeps pulling my head up, "levantate la cabeza," put your head up. I don't want to explain myself, I can barely talk. Finally I say (ok, yell), "D�jame bajar la cabeza, esto me hab�a pasado antes." Let me put my head down, this has happened to me before. The people sitting next to me, who have moved in order for me to sit down, the woman sitting on the man's lap, ask what I need. He tells them I had been hungry. They pull out a stick of candy, un caramelo (why do they call it that when it's not caramel?), bought from the woman selling them in line for the bus. It's mint flavored and all I really want is to throw up. The mint just makes me want to throw up more. But I devour it because I know I need it.

When I am better Adrian asks me how this has happened before. Never like this, I tell him. Never. We talk about it, he tells me I was passed out for about 10 seconds. That's the longest ever. Usually I wake up almost as soon as I pass out. He says he caught me and was balancing me when the couple said, "Sit her down here!" He sat me down and began slapping my face (dear heavens!!), saying my name over and over. Apparently when my head went back I started choking and this is when he opened my mouth at the jaw and grabbed my tongue.

What an experience, eh? I felt like the whole world had been watching me, when in reality I'm not sure how many people actually noticed. In the states don't you think the bus would have stopped and everything if that had happened? An unconscious passenger?? I don't know, in a way it made me feel better that not that many people noticed, because it was a very embarrassing experience. My tongue's still a little sore, I imagine from the yanking on it. But hey, the intentions were good so I'll endure it.

We got off the bus right after the tunnel and went to eat (that's what I wanted more than anything, besides some water). The cajitas place was closed so Adrian was asking neighbors where we could eat when this one man said he had them. We hopped over a concrete fence and walked down the alley to his house. There were his daughter and wife, one cooking, the other watching some stupid dinosaur show on the discovery channel while she ate. These were big people, you can tell the certainly never went without food. Also, everything in their house was nice� it had real rooms, not partitions, and there was enough room for everything. I immediately assumed family in Miami. Unfortunately that's pretty much how it goes. They brought us our food on REAL PLATES and we sat watching the discovery channel with the daughter. It was the best cajita I have ever had. The best part was the cooked bananas� they were so sweet and delicious I wanted to die. Finally, good Cuban food. I will look for their place any day over the other one. I hope they always have those bananas!!!

I felt better after eating, but still weak. I still feel weak. I just showered and I can't wait to go to bed. Passing out is one of the most terrifying experiences because it's just so confusing and scary. I exhausted myself enough on the beach today that I already just wanted to sleep. The added drama has just made me even more tired. Anyway, I'm signing off for tonight because my eyes are closing. Ciao. Gah I hate when people say ciao but everyone says it here. Adios.

Life in Cuba:
February 2004

February March April May

Tuesday, February 24, 2004. 11:34pm
Yesterday I went to Cotoro, which I guess I would call a suburb of Havana. The minute we stepped off the bus I felt at home. The air was fresher, the pace of life more calm. First we trekked down a road that went from broken pavement to rocks to dirt, passing people with huge loads on their bikes and others in horse drawn carts. We finally arrived at the house of Adrian's father. He had invited me there to meet his baby sister who is 2. His dad's wife appeared at the door saying "Cu�o!! Apareciste!! Mira la pobrecita colorada por el sol tan fuerte!!!" She was scolding him for making me trek down that road in the middle of the day when the sun was so strong. She rushed me into the shade on the porch and sat me down, bringing me a glass of water. After Adrian said hi to the neighbors she sent him to get cold water. "don't gossip too much," he said as he left. I swear as I sat there I felt like I was in heaven. It was just like taking a time out from life. It was so quiet, there was a pleasant breeze. His step mom chatted up a storm with me� I understood her mas o menos.

We spent the whole afternoon there in their house. His dad came home soon and we all sat around and talked about whatever. His dad spoke a lot of English and was excited to practice with me. I told them about the bad reactions I had gotten from people when I told them I was going to Cuba. They didn't really understand until I explained the negative connotation that has been placed on it because of the governmental differences. His dad asked me, "So what are you going to tell them when you go back?" I told him I didn't know, that I only had been here for a short time. He asked how long, I said 3 weeks. He looked surprised. "You speak a lot of spanish for having been here such a short time." I think I blushed 'cause it's nice to have that encouragement every once in awhile. I talked to them so much, it's hard to explain. His dad told me about the difficulties they have� but at the same time he didn't seem terribly unhappy. I think he felt that the way things were was for their own good� just things haven't turned out very well for his family. They had just moved into their house, a tiny concrete shack� lots of flies, all basically one room, partitioned a little. He told me "for the four months you're here, our home is yours�I know it's not much to offer but it's the only thing I have." Obviously I was touched. It was hard, though, to appreciate the state of things while I sat there listening, observing. They didn't seem miserable, though. Adrian's step mom made a big lunch, a delicious change from what I eat here in Havana. You could tell they don't go hungry. At first I thought well maybe lunch was so big because of the company. And maybe it was. But Adrian's step mom was a plump woman. Definitely not starving. They laughed a lot, too. I swear, it was the best afternoon I've had yet. Comparing cultures, countries, languages, jokes. I had so much fun.

Around 5 we left, off to Adrian's mom's house. This was a little more boring just 'cause there was no one there, we were just there so he could get some things. We had an argument there, and I had to just stop and take a break. I was quiet the rest of the way home and everything. Not from being mad, just from needing to think. Things feel more serious than they're supposed to be. I'm scared of that!! Anyway we resolved things more or less after we got home.

Today I had four classes, only two of which the professor showed up for. Ay, Cuba. It's hard getting used to things here. I've met a couple foreigners here that can sympathize with me. They've been here a little longer so they keep telling me it will get better. It was really nice to run into them at school and have them ask me about it, since the last time I told them about it was a week ago. I have a feeling that the real friendships I make here will be really good ones because it seems that people actually care how you're doing.

Tonight I feel like im getting the flu. Kind of feverish, my throat really hurts, whole body aching. A couple other girls have already gotten it. I guess it's good though cause now ill be able to go to the doctor. Ive had a cold the whole time ive been here. It will be nice to get some relief.

Oh yeah, tonight I took out my lip ring. I know most people back home don't even know I had one, but I did. I pierced it right before I left. It was doing great a few days ago, but yesterday it got really infected and today it was so swollen that the ring was tugging on it, hurting a lot. It was really hard to take out, and it really hurt to do it, but it was totally worth it. I kind of feel free. I feel like I wasted forty bucks but oh well. I'd rather not walk around with a huge lip. It wasn't worth the pain either.

Well, anyway, I feel like I babble quite a bit, and it's late now, and I still haven't showered and I have an early class. So goodnight.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004. 11:06pm
Well last night I only got worse illness-wise. I tossed and turned all night, getting the chills, then feeling overheated. My throat began to hurt worse and worse, I felt like I was dying. So this morning I went to the doctor instead of going to class. I had to trek to the clinic which in reality isn't that far away but it felt far away. It wasn't hot outside but I had that feverish sweating thing going on and I felt so weak. When I finally got there I went up to the reception desk and said in broken Spanish "I've never been here before, I don't know where to go, I need to see a doctor." The nurse had the nicest face ever and when she asked me what was wrong with me I almost burst into tears as I tried to explain it. Then she led me into an office to talk to a doctor. A weird old man but very nice. After checking everything he wanted to have me tested for mono because I have one of the symptoms of the mono that's been going around. THAT'S when I really almost burst into tears. Luckily my test came back normal, and the doctor confirmed that I have strept throat. Aww man I hate that though. I've pretty much felt like crap all day, just lying around watching tv and sleeping. The good thing is that they gave me antibiotics so I will be getting better soon hopefully. He also gave me some decongestant/fever reducer/pain reducer so I think that also has to do with why I feel a bit better. I pretty much have to go to class tomorrow so hopefully I'll wake up more or less ok.

Man getting sick in cuba is no easy task, I don't recommend it. I think it's just because I'm not used to all the waiting, all the bureaucracy. Even though I was at a clinic for foreigners and things moved relatively fast there, it didn't feel like it. Things always seem torturous when you're sick though I think. Oh well, the point is they did help me, and hopefully I'll get better soon.

Friday, February 27, 2004. 9:29am
Ok. So now I feel better physically, but my throat is still killing me. And to top it off, my whole mouth hurts inside. My gums, the roof of my mouth, everything feels swollen. My tongue feels too big for my mouth. It's torturous. I feel like lying in my bed and crying. I'm so much fun, huh?