saturday, january 11th, 2003.  6:50pm
so.  i got back from camp yesterday.  early.  it was fun snowboarding so much and all.... but the parts in between weren't all that great.  i did meet a few people there that were really cool, don't get me wrong.  it's just that well, i'm not your typical college student.... and i'm CERTAINLY not your typical snowboarder.  They had "theme nights" with their drinking.  Thursday night was "40 night".  Everyone was drunk by like 7:00.  It was so annoying.  they were super loud and obnoxious.  all the un-drunk people (all 5 of us) were sitting there watching TV while all the noise around the table made it so we had to turn on the captions just to watch TV.  whooo!  fun.  i went to read downstairs, but someone was asleep there.  i brought my book back up, attempted reading, that didnt work.  then the ski coach came to critique video of the skiers.  whoo.  to avoid that i went back downstairs where, luckily, the sleeping skier had woken up to see the video.  i got ready for bed and read for awhile, only disturbed by the meeting of the half-drunken girls snowboard team that decided we werent going to race at Schwietzer this weekend after all.  i was in bed by 9:15.  That's just ridiculous.  I never go to bed early!  anyway, friday morning i woke up too exhausted to ride, and decided not to because the weather looked pretty crappy anyway.  I got a ride back to Moscow in the afternoon from a guy who has to work this weekend.  I couldn't have gotten outta that place any faster if i had TRIED.  it's not that i hadn't had fun.... i was just SO ready to leave.  Unfortunately the dorms don't open until Monday.  I didn't know this and i feel kind of bad staying in Humberto's apartment all weekend.  so i made them cookies today.  originally it was going to be cheap.  until i realized they dont have cookie sheets, they don't have bowls, they don't have measuring cups.  well i did get money for christmas.  I woke up at 8am today.  talk about WEIRD.  i never get up that early.  but i fell asleep around 330 and woke up at 6 so i guess that makes up for it.  Anyway, i'm done wasting time in the library.  i think i'll go call my mommy. 
Sunday, january 12th, 2003.  10:06am
well here i am yet again in the library with no emails to respond to and nothing to do.  i woke up at 8am again this morning.  today i think my mission will be laundry.  the reality is that i only have about two loads to do, so that won't take me too long.  then it will be back to watching whatever is on PBS.  That's the only channel their apartment gets right now.  i watched the Lawrence Welk Show last night.  i hate that show.  haha.  at least this morning they had dumb educational cartoons instead of moral debates about declaring war on Iraq like yesterday morning.  i don't like to get morally stressed out that early in the morning.  i didn't get any email from humberto which probably means i won't get any before he comes back.... this means i have no idea when they are getting back.  i have a feeling it will be in the middle of the night again which could be interesting since the fact that he hasn't responded leaves me to believe that he has not recieved my email and doesn't know i'm staying in his apartment.  maybe i'll leave a note on the door or something so they have some warning.  well, anyway, i think i'm off to do my laundry.  i can't believe i came all the way here and now i don't have anything to do.  pues.  until next time!
monday, january 20th, 2002. Martin Luther King Jr Day. 3:37pm
well sorry, its been a long and busy week.  the whole debacle involving humbertos unsuspecting return to a sleeping nicole was non-existent since i woke up monday morning and he was not there.  i walked all of my stuff back over to wallace which took a few trips and caused me to sweat profusely.  on my first trip, dragging my huge heavy suitase, my backpack, and a sleeping bag, this lady who felt sorry for me pulled over and gave me a ride.  i was almost there, but i didnt want her to have to know how far i had walked already because she felt like she was doing such a great deed.  it never occured to me not to accept rides from strangers.  i was so exhausted. 

anyway, classes came a lot faster than i was ready for.  this semester all of my classes require tons of reading.  it takes me back to high school when every teacher assumed theirs was the only class each student had.  at the beginning of the semester, i am still all gung-ho "i'm going to read this" but i know that won't last long.  so far though ive read 5 chapters (64 pages) of
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemmingway and 21 pages of the introduction to W.E.B. DuBois' The Souls of Black Folk.  I haven't started reading the 50 pages i need to read out of my history textbook, nor the chapter that is to be read out of my Geography book.  Also i have some reading to do for English, but i don't think i will be doing it.  This semester WILL be more challenging.  Although Spanish class doesn't yet pose a threat.  just boring with a bad teacher.  why does that happen so often with language teachers?  what a shame.  ok my break is over now.  catchya later.
Tuesday, January 21st, 2003.  5:23pm
i'm seriously such a moron.  i didnt realize until last night that on friday afternoon after eating lunch in the commons, i left my backpack under the table.  so i lost an expensive backpack and an expensive spanish book.  moreover, any lingering stuff i wanted to keep that was in there (bus tickets from my travels this summer in chiapas and such).  i checked lost and found and they didnt have it.  theres one other place i can check but i dont think itll be there.  college students are assholes.  ive already had stuff stolen here so i wouldnt be shocked if i never see my backpack or my spanish book and notebooks ever again. 

today i had three one hour and fifteen minute classes in a row.  from 9:30 to 1:45.  it was so long and boring.  it would be nicer if i still had the same amount of in class time, just in shorter classes.  i don't know if i'll last all semester.  then to make everything nicer, it was sprinkling when i went into my 12:30 class and when i came out at 1:45 everything was covered in white and it was snowing mercilessly.  i went and ate lunch, humberto showed up and around 3 we went to the library "just to see if they were going to play soccer."  so what i'm starting to realize is that whatever he SAYS we're going to do is really an understatement of what we'll actually do.  For example, today, we go to the library, and Randy is standing right outside the doors smoking a cigarette.  "
Ey, vamos a jugar o no?" Are we going to play or not?  Simple question, right?  no of course not.  it's followed by a long discussion about who is going, who they should tell about it, whether or not the court will open, etc.  So i went into the library to check my email (since i was freezing) thinking that maybe by the time i got done they would be done with their discussion.  oh contrare.  i went back out and stood in the cold with them for several minutes, now however with the new sergio from chile as well.  FINALLY we start walking.  but where were we walking to?  i didnt really know and when we turned toward the Tower (the all girls dorm) i got confused and finally asked.  "No we're going to the Rec Center" humberto says.  Why?  were they playing now?  "No, just to see if the court will be open at 4:30."  Oh that should take like seconds right?  No, they actually went there to sign their soccer team up for intramurals as well.  So we FINALLY leave and go to the commons to have coffee and silly me i think that we'll stay there until they have to leave to play.  no.  we sat there for like 10  minutes and randy and sergio the guatemalan decide to go back to their apartments for something, and humberto and sergio the chilean decided to go to the EDUCATION BUILDING to look for I�igo to tell him that they were going to play.  at that point i was so completely fed up with aimlessly tramping around in the snow, i went back to my room.  THEN i left for the gym at 5 to work out.  I HATE THAT PLACE.  the last two days theyve given me the red light when i swipe my card to enter.  each time they write the number on a list and let me in.  today it was me and another girl and they said "you have to go talk to the vandal card office and since its closed now, if you want to work out today you have to pay the $5.25 for a day pass.  i seriously hate when i get frustrated because it always comes out in angry tears.  no, i didn't cry, but i really wanted to.  when they said that i got really pissed and said "thank you," and walked away, saying louder, so that she and her supervisor could hear "this is RIDICULOUS."  im so passive-agressive.  so i'm trying to work out and be healthy now but i can't.  its not exactly like i could go on a run outside, there's like 4 or 5 inches of snow on the ground.


thursday, january 23rd, 2003.  7:30pm.
just as a warning: i forsee some whining in this entry.  so if you dont want to hear it, quit reading.

i feel horrible.  i have been sleeping really badly, going to bed late after doing homework and then waking up continuously in the middle of the night feeling like it's time to get up.  i just toss and turn all night constantly in a deep sleep and awaking from it suddenly over and over again.  also, the mornings which i would be able to sleep in, mondays, wednesdays and fridays, my roomate has class at 8:30 so she gets up around 7:30 and proceeds to make typical morning noises: opening and shutting her squeaky cupboard, getting out dishes and food, eating, doing her hair and make-up, etc.  it would be noisy, anyway, but the fact that she doesn't understand that i can't sleep through everything like her makes it worse.  so then when  she finally leaves for class i fall back asleep.   but she comes back at 9:30 on the dot.  when that happens i just plain give up, and i get up.  even though i don't have class until 11:30.  i dont have time for naps anymore, i have too much to do.  so now i have reached this emotionally exhausted point where i just can't handle anything and i constantly feel like crying even though i don't know why.  then the fact that i don't know why i am crying makes me even more upset because i feel like something is wrong with me.  i think i am having a nervous breakdown and i should be rushed to a rehab clinic or something for awhile.  too bad i feel trapped because i can't even take a break if i want to because of how freaking much college costs.  everything costs.  i hate that.

i found my damned backpack.  not until after searching all over campus for it, when the commons had it in the first place.  but at least i got it.  now i have to go return the replacement spanish book i bought.  i got the english book i ordered off half.com in the mail today.  they sent me the wrong freaking book.  i was supposed to get the hardcover 3rd edition and instead i got the paperback "Brief Edition" of the 3rd edition.  i'm really pissed because i wouldnt have paid that much for the book i ended up getting.  Also i figured out that i accidently ordered a CD and not the Geography book including the CD that i thought i was getting.  i'm kind of annoyed about that though because it was listed under "books".  hopefully i can get my money back.  i really have no use for a $22 CD ROM about geography.
what a day, huh?  i'm going to try to do homework now. 
friday, january 24th, 2002.  2:56pm
well i don't feel much better yet.  but there's a lot of day left to make me feel better.  nancy and i are going on a walk to go get ice cream at otto's and i'm going to return my extra spanish book.  maybe that will make me feel better.  i don't know.  i think i'm frustrated again with the whole fact that i'm not latino.  is that stupid?  i resent myself because no matter what i do, i will never be one of THEM.  It's always nice to feel accepted and i really just don't because i am excluded from everything by a stupid language.  Even if it's a language that i know, i choose not to speak it because i have been mocked too many times.  i choose not to pay enough attention to understand the conversation because i can't discern the nonsense from the interesting and it's frustrating to put so much effort into trying to understand something that turns out to be nonsense.  It's not that anyone ever actually talks directly to me anyway.  maybe it's because they know i'm not listening, or that if they do i will respond in english, throwing off the flow of the whole conversation.  who knows.  I think i'm back to feeling like i have no friends of my own.  and that's really what i need.  a group of people that i CAN fit into. without changing anything about myself.  without denying my own race and culture.  funny that racial prejudices go both ways.  although i might be hated by all minority groups if i say i'm discriminated against because i'm white.  so maybe i'll just shut up now. 
saturday, january 25th, 2003. 5:15pm.
What a night.  I never want to go to a party ever again.  In fact, I would be happy staying in my bed underneath all the covers for the rest of my life right now.  It was a fun party.  I was having fun, actually.  Cecilia had brought our suitemate with her and when I got there she told me about this creepy guy that had been bugging her all night.  But she was also very happy.  She knew she was drunk, but she said she was having a lot of fun.  The creepy guy started following her around.  A LOT.  I showed humberto so he started purposely blocking the guy from getting near her.  Eventually he got his friends to help, and they ended up talking to the guy trying to make him leave.  This guy was SO WASTED.  I have never seen anyone that drunk in my life.  Like he could barely move.  He had made a gross kissy face at me when I had first gotten there.  But I honestly thought he was like mentally retarded or something so I kind of ignored it.  Anyway, he wouldn�t leave forever, but eventually shaggy, this guy who used to work with him got him to go outside and tried to walk him home.  But apparently the guy kept trying to go back into the hous, and a few more guys got involved with trying to get him to leave.  I�ve heard that one guy hit him a couple times and then when the guy went around to the back of the house, they shut him in a shed hoping he would sleep and they�d le him out when the party was over.  Anyway, the creepy thing is that this guy gave my suitemate a drink.  She said she only had like 2 drinks.  Yet she got so incredibly bad, it was horrible.  She would NOT stop throwing up.  It was horrible.  Cecilia and Carla were in the bathroom with her getting her water and stuff, and I felt like I couldn�t do anything so I just went out and kept checking in.  We all thought she would stop puking.  But she didn�t.  Eventually the question came about: �does she need to see a doctor?�  I mean, I know people get that drunk.  I know it happens.  But if only you could have been there and seen it.  It was horrible.  We asked if she wanted to go to the hospital and at first she said she didn�t know.  With that, I couldn�t take her because if she got in trouble and because of the bills I would feel really bad.  It wasn�t until she said �YES, somebody please help me!� that we decided it was ok to take her.  I know she was drunk but she says now that she remembers and that she really was scared and really did want to go.  The Turkish let me drive his car and we got a bag for her to puke in and a couple big guys helped us carry her downstairs and to the car.  She couldn�t even walk.  Humberto didn�t think I should take her.  Because of the cops and because of the bills.  But I had to make a decision and I was stressed beyond belief, and I just couldn�t deal with him telling me I was wrong.  And he was doing it to Cecilia too.  I pushed him and told him to shut up.  Gosh I don�t think I�ll ever live that down.  The Turkish and I got my suitemate to the hospital and I checked her in and they took her back.  Apparently they gave her an IV with a drug that stopped the vomiting.  They told us we could leave and that they would test her in the morning to see if anyone had given her anything in the morning.  They didn�t end up doing that.  But still, she�s fine now thank goodness and isn�t mad at me for taking her to the hospital.  The thing is when I got back to the party humberto started in on me again about how she didn�t need to go.  I was SO beyond stressed and I just couldn�t handle it.  What I really needed was support, not this. I pulled him down to the porch and told him to knock it off because what�s done is done, and that I was sorry I had yelled at him.  He asked if I wanted to go home and of course I did so we went upstairs to get our coats.  People told me I looked to serious, that I needed to have more fun.  But how could I?  I was on the verge of tears.  The walk home was horrible.  I had refused a ride from someone who had been drinking (even though he swore he wasn�t drunk) because I don�t ride with people drink, and I made us walk the whole way.  It was raining, and cold, and we had to walk all the way across town.  It was the most depressing walk of my life.  We held hands, and we knew we weren�t mad at each other, but I just couldn�t talk.  He asked me if I was alright a couple times and I just said �no.�  I wanted to cry, wanted to sleep, wanted to lie down, anything to relieve myself of how I felt.  It�s weird to walk through Moscow at 3:30 in the morning in silence listening to the sounds of the rain.  I thought we would never get back, but at the same time I don�t remember much of the walk.  When we got home I sat down and hugged him and cried.  We talked and worked everything out like civilized people.  Then I went to sleep.  I�m still exhausted though.  My goodness.
monday, january 27th, 2003.  2:14pm
so there's this girl in julias sorority that i met once.  and i see her everywhere.  the reason i notice that i see her everywhere is that i think she is the most gorgeous girl i have ever seen and i am insanely jealous of her.  so today i saw her and i started to wonder what it would be like to be that pretty.  like, i know i don't want to BE her, i just want to look like her.  like be exactly how i am now except looking like her.  she has the kind of face that would look pretty even without makeup, so that would work for me.  but then i started to wonder..... can how you look affect who you turn into?  like if i would have been born that gorgeous, would i have been one of the snotty pretty girls in high school?  would i have turned to materialism instead of my current crusades?  would i have become a sorority girl?  or would my personality have prevailed?  would i have had the same friends in high school?  would i be as interested in helping people as i am now?  it's quite disturbing, quite difficult to determine whether or not your looks form part of who you are inside, and how you develop.  honestly, if being as pretty as that girl would have led me to being a one of those snotty, materialistic girls, i'm glad i'm plain-looking.  i think i'm starting to accept the fact that i'm not going to be beautiful.  i'm not going off on one of those low self-esteem things, i'm just saying, i'm starting to just accept my life as ordinary.  at least no one runs away from me because of my looks.  i think my childhood delusions of growing up to be one of the Sweet Valley Twins, a cheerleader, homecoming queen, miss beautiful of the year, set me up for disappointment as i realized that i would never be that.  but for now i think i'm ok.  my boyfriend thinks i'm beautiful, and what else do i need?
thursday, january 30th, 2003.  11:13pm
"Nicole, take off your American glasses."  I know it's just a joke.  them trying to make me see things their way.  The thing is, i feel like i'm being asked to ignore my own culture.  Even though i don't exactly agree with everything, or even with many things, that the general "American culture" stands for, it is part of me.  I was born here, i grew up here.  i still live here.  my ideas, opinions and values were developed here.  Justice, democracy (even though the democracy we have is a joke), social aid, equality, religion, etc.  These are all part of who i am and what i believe in.  Granted, i don't know how it is in other countries.  i know how i wish it could be.  honestly i just DON'T see things their way.  and i hate that they tell me to forget who i am and "take off my American glasses."  when i go to Mexico i try my best to adapt to most parts of their culture.  i think that is part of respecting the people of a different country.  I see none of that from them.  I don't want them to be Americans, i just expect the same respect that i would offer in their countries toward their cultures. 
January 2003
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