tuesday, september 3rd, 2002.  2:04pm
well labor day weekend is finally over.  everyone's back.  and life is going at full speed again.  i had a great weekend really.  i spent most of it resting, but i hung out with people a lot too.  saturday we all stayed in the lounge studying and watching tv and talking like all afternoon.  sunday i went to church then slept for awhile then we watched a movie over in a girl's room in another dorm.  8 people in one dorm room.... now thats talent.  as for yesterday?   i spent it with my roomate, from mexico and 2 guys from ecuador.  talk about a fun filled day of spanish.  i had a lot of fun actually.  we went to the mall and the guys decided to buy all these clothes that were like 70% off at some department store ive never heard of.  but no they dont use dressing rooms, they just put em on right over their shirts and ask how they look.  its so funny.  anyway, yeah i also taught them how to do laundry.  i have taught 5 different guys how to do laundry since i've been here.  how could they never learn how to do it?  i feel so self-sufficient.  is that the right word?  i hope so.  i also moved into a higher spanish.  my first semester of freshman year i am taking Spanish 302.  wow.  thats pretty intimidating.  but i think i'll be fine.  301 was way too easy.  i need a challenge.  so yeah.  today nothing has really happened.  i'm having a good time though.  i like college so far, i really do.  i just have to adjust that my college experience is going to be different than everyone else's because I'M different than everyone else. 
friday, september 6th, 2002.  2:43pm
It's the weekend again.  I seem to not like weekends very much i think.  Maybe it's because weekends are when you're EXPECTED to be social.  i find that i do much better at being social when it's by accident.  A whole bunch of girls in my hall are going to this drag show down at The Beach tonight, i said i might go.  but its 7 bucks and it doesnt really sound like something i would have fun at.  i have fun HANGING out, not GOING out.  i want to find someone to do that with.  In the past i have had someone like that and that's the best feeling.  No matter how much fun i'm having here, it  really is difficult to be transplanted to a totally new place where you're expected to live for the next 4 years of your life.  I still feel so DIFFERENT.  when am i ever going to feel like i belong?  can't you be individual without feeling alone? i'm beginning to think it's impossible. 

i'm really tired.  i was going to take a nap but then my roomate's friend came in and they started speaking spanish really loudly and i pretended to be asleep but then i rolled over and felt like someone was watching me and there he was STARING at me trying to freak me out.  so then i gave up.  i think i would like to live in a sorority only for the sleeping porch where no one is allowed to disturb you.  hmmmm.  no maybe not.  i feel bad.  this girl in julia's house that sits next to me in my core class told me today she thinks i should be in their house and i rolled my eyes and said "i just couldnt do that...."  that probably wasn't very nice.  but its true.  i dont think there's a single girl in that house that doesnt drink.  every time i go over there that's what they're talking about.  its not that i really care if they drink or dont drink, i mean whatever..... but i'm trying to find people MORE like me.  not even LESS like me. 
Sunday, September 8th, 2002.  7:28pm
Well.  This weekend was Nicole's Social Weekend.  Hopefully everyone will leave me alone about not going out now.  Friday and Saturday nights i went to parties.  And both times i did not really have fun.  Because i dont like drinking and i dont like dancing, so theres nothing really for me to do.  Last night would have been fun, had i been able to go home around 11 or 12 when i was ready.  But i had to wait for someone to walk back with.  The only other sober girl there wanted to have a third person to walk back with us, so she wouldnt come.  by the time we left it was around 2:30, and the people we went back with were so drunk that we might as well have been alone.  I have to admit that it was kind of funny to see some of my friends drunk... but its kind of lonely too.  i dont like people who arent all there.  so anyway i got all social for the weekend.  wore makeup and everything and didnt have much fun.  so i'm done now.  i think.  haha.  next weekend i'm actually going to do what i like to do again.  maybe i'll find someone to do that with me eventually. 
monday, september 11th, 2002.  1:54pm
i hardly feel that i can just write the date and go on with a normal entry.  yep, today's september 11th.  9-11.  The big day that i think no one will forget, nor be allowed to forget.  I remember feeling like i was in a bad action movie, and that the world was ending that morning a year ago.  You know, the aliens strike all the big important cities first.  I'm not proud of how our country has handled it either.  There's a "War on Terrorism"  which Bush thinks gives him the right to kill civilians in other countries.  Doesn't that make him pretty much the equivalent of Bin Laden?  And then, in our capitalist American nature, people started PROFITTING off the tragedy.  "Hey, let's create some 'God Bless America' histeria and sell anything we can with the American flag on it, then tell people that buying this stuff and waving it around should make them feel like they're doing something to help."  I just can't even believe how tasteless that is.  The other thing that bothers me is that people in our country can't stop to see that people that live in some countries in the middle east have these kind of events happen to them every day.  I'm not saying that what happened on September 11, 2001 wasn't tragic.  It was amazingly tragic that so many people died.  But think about the people who wake up every morning wondering if today will be the day they lose another brother, father, uncle, or even a mother or sister in a suicide bombing or a shootout in the street.  Why can't our country be more conscious of what goes on it the world.  Can't we be thankful that we don't have to live with this every day?  Can't we show more compassion to middle eastern countries now that we have experienced what it's like to lose family and friends in such a tragic way?  this day sucks.  and we haven't even learned anything from it.
l
saturday, september 14th, 2002.  2:16pm
the week went by really fast.  i hate weekends.  weekends make me go through my "i hate it here" phase.  it's just frustrating because i thought i would come to college and finally find people like me.  i went through high school feeling so DIFFERENT, and i wanted to come here to finally fit in with SOMEONE.  but it's not like that at all.  i'm still lonely and it sucks.  sure i have lots of friends here, but not the kind of friends i was hoping to have, the kind that are exactly like me and understand why i do what i do and why i am how i am.  i dont think i'll ever find that and it's kind of a shitty feeling.  i know i've only been here for 3 weeks and i should just give it time, but i'm feeling super impatient at the moment.  so sue me.  i dont know.

11:59pm

a lot of people think i don't know what it means to be in love.  i have been in love twice.  just cause i did it twice in a row, they think both times weren't meaningful.  that's so wrong.  at the moment i am still in love, and it is kind of catching up to me.  i feel crappy tonight.  i have this pain in my heart that i can't get rid of and i feel like crying.  i wish the times when my relationships ended, it could be for a REASON, instead of just because of circumstances.  those damned circumstances just hate me.  it's hard, no one in the world knows what this feels like, and really it seems that no one cares.  it's not that i want anyone to feel sorry with me.  i just wish someone wanted to listen.  i am completely lonely and i hate it.
monday, september 16th, 2002.  11:14pm
today is mexican independence day.  did you know that?  not cinco de mayo.  that's like columbus day.... and who knows anything about columbus day.  my friend is in the big mexican-american club so i went to the festival.  it was loads of fun.  it was ok.  i paid too much for a taco and some agua de arroz.  watched the cute foreign student that's in my spanish class dance the Mexican Hat Dance, and saw them attempt to break a pinata.  then i went to bible study, then i came back and went to our hall meeting.  we're buying a new tv for our hall.  thank goodness, our tv barely works.  i like eating dinner late because that's always when we have the most fun.  excecpt i always find myself having to defend my choice not to drink.  that gets old really fast. it's just a personal choice, is it that hard?  i know some people really enjoy it but that's just not how i want to have fun.
saturday, september 21st, 2002.  11:59pm
this weekend wasnt so bad.  my dad came for dad's weekend and that was fun.  it was good to spend time with my dad, especially since we didnt really get to spend any time together before i left.  plus i got good food.  anyway, tonight went well.  lots of people came over.  i was just gonna do my homework.  but first the guatemalans came over.  i think they come to see cecilia, and i'm just a "bonus".... nonetheless, i really think they're fun, and i get to practice my spanish.  then some diferent people started coming in, and i turned on a movie, and the guatemalans and cecilia and nia left.  so we were watching a movie and by the end there were 8 people crammed into my dorm room.  my room isnt exactly big.  they're the smallest rooms on campus.  and everyone's still here.  well now they're leaving.  i'm really tired so i'm ready.  but i had a good night.  for once. 
wednesday, september 25th, 2002.  1:51pm
i have to say i am not having such a bad time anymore.  funny, guys can do that.  guys can really manipulate my moods.  but right now it has become a good mood, so i am happy.  yes.  finally i am happy.  i hope i feel happy for awhile.  it feels really good. 

i have insomnia.  i can never sleep.  no matter how tired i am or how badly i WANT to sleep, i can't.  i lie in bed for literally hours without ever falling asleep.  and today, i dont even feel like taking a nap!  i definitely feel tired, i only got 3 hours of sleep last night.  but i don't feel SLEEPY.  i think i'll have to buy some tylenol pm or something.
September 2002
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