| monday, august 11th, 2003. 8:35pm it has been an extremely long time. i feel like all i do is work and sleep and i have no time to do things like write on a webpage. but i go back to moscow in a week. so it will finally stop soon. i worked 9 days straight, ending on the 5th, by which time i had gotten a really nasty cold and i spent my 3 days off recovering. on wednesday, the sixth, i slept until 5pm, when i had to get ready to go to the presentation about the Hogar Mission trip that my church puts on every year. it was really hard. harder than i thought it would be. i was very grumpy, didnt talk to many people, and during the video and slide show, i cried inside while i realized all the things i had missed. i was doing ok at not crying until Rochelle, Matt's mom, stood up and told a story about Julio, the little boy i helped with reading and writing last year, who is eight now. she said one day at the pool he put his arms around her neck and said "i miss my mom." that was when all the tears i had been holding inside the whole two hours just poured out of me. my cold made my sniffing even more pronounced. i hate crying in public and i felt like everyone was watching me. on the other hand, i felt like no one really cared how painful it was for me to be there. i suppose it's not really their problem. it hurts so much... i feel like i will never be able to afford to go back there...it's all i want... it's the one place where i'm actually happy. but i guess for now whining about it won't get me anywhere. it's really weird.... i thought i was going to be totally cool with being just friends with forrest... i even WANTED him to hang out with his ex girlfriend to figure out if there were still feelings there. but it kind of hurts that being with her made him realize what's wrong with me. i feel weird writing this because i know he'll read it. i guess i'm just really confused and caught offguard by how i feel. i don't know what i want... i'm beginning to think i never will. i'm sending in my first rent check today. i'm a little freaked about parting with money. but really excited to start having my own responsible life. i hope i'm happy this semester. i havent been REALLY happy in awhile. |
 |
| friday night, august 15th, 2003. 1:03am im such an amazing basket case right now. theres so much to be done, and all i'm doing is working, and i feel like no one is listening to me. i cant wait to get moved into my apartment so i can sleep for days. im exhausted. all i want to do is cry. its nice to know that its almost the end. i'm sooo ready to go back to moscow i never thuoght i'd say that. im going to make friends. i neeeeeed friends. salem is a lonely place. i don't have anything in common with anyone here. i dont get to meet anyone and i work to death. moscow will be such a blessing!!!! |
|
| Wednesday, August 20th, 2003. 5:47pm wow. im glad its all over! this weekend i only had to work all day friday and saturday and i got people to cover me so i only worked 5 hours on sunday. i got stuff done, but it was still stressful. the move up to moscow was very stressful but now everything is settled and i have the things i need and all i need to do now is finish unpacking. one of my roomates is already here and he's really cool, we get along well. the other one's not here yet but i figure if he's friends with Bo he's probably alright too. i got a job this morning. i left my house at 11 and by 11:45 i had a job at the Pretzelmaker in the mall. hey, it's not glamourous, but ive already worked at one so i don't mind. i suppose i should write about sunday night. i met this guy that came into my work. he had already paid admission but i didnt realize that and when he came up for more nickels i kept trying to explain to him that he had to pay admission too. he wasnt understanding very well so i told him in spanish, and he was like "i already paid!" whoops. so anyway before he left he came and chatted with me, asking why i knew spanish and stuff, and we talked for awhile. he asked if i wanted to go get some coffee or something to eat after work, so i suggested muchas gracias and he came back at midnight. we spent the whole night together and it was awesome. he was the first person in a long time to make me feel like he understood and appreciated my whole way of thinking. unfortunately i left for idaho the next day. he doesnt have email and i didnt know my phone number so we exchanged addresses and are going to write to eachother. how old fashioned! but fun. it was a fun night. |
|
| thursday, august 21st, 2003. 7:51pm im siiiiiiick. i swear i'm always sick. i think something's wrong with me. like maybe i have cancer or something. i suppose the symptoms of cancer arent exactly getting frequent colds... but still. there must be an explanation somewhere out there! aside from that, things are going well here. i even have time to be bored. my future boss called today and said i start on monday. with a three hour shift. oooh life is beautiful hehe. i feel bad though, i told him i couldnt work till 5 cause i had a class at 5 but then i just got an email from that teacher saying we wont have class. oh well. also i hadnt realized that i dont get done with school until 330 on tues and thurs. oops. hopefully he hasnt done too much scheduling yet. eee. today i have done a whole lot of nothing... except i did order my books, which i am proud of... although i still have a few to buy... i dont want to... theyre so expensive. i took a nap for awhile, lying in bed feeling like i was dying for a couple hours.... then forrest called, and woke me up like always, but i havent talked to him much lately so i didnt yell at him for waking me up hehe. after we hung up i was bored so i decided to go to the gym. even though i felt miserable. but it felt great to work out again. i thought i would start it slow and only do 30 minutes but i ended up doing 50 minutes and 526 calories. it makes me feel so good to do that. despite that good feeling, i got home and took a shower and felt like the fire in my throat had grown and the phlegm in my chest had multiplied. i put on my "im sick" sweatpants and came here to check email and print stuff out. im not even wearing a bra. that means im really feeling crappy. interestingly enough, i talked to humberto today for more than the typical 10 seconds. it makes me nostalgic but at the same time i can remember all the things that made me feel like crap. i think im in the beginning stages of trying to understand and respect myself more. i think this is good. you think i'll ever fully be over him? probably not. at least not until i fall in love with someone else. but it looks like thats not happening for awhile. and i think i'm ok with that. i will just keep observing. maybe someday ill know what i want. i certainly know what i dont want! |
| saturday, august 23rd, 2003. 5:47pm what a weekend. yesterday i was pretty miserable. i pretty much just lied around the house feeling sick, i also ordered more books and went to the bookstore and bought the ones i couldnt get for cheaper online. i ended up spending 330 bucks on books. im a little pissed. but its not that bad considering i should have paid almost 600 if i would have just gone through the bookstore. the reason im a little pissed is that i apparently only had my parents transfer 200 for books into my account... which means on top of my rent, food, bills, etc, im paying for my books which isnt what i signed up for... at least until my college fund is officially gone. but ill just try to shake it off. and try even harder to find some of those spendy books online so i can return them. but still. grrrr. anyway, i ended up going to bed really early last night, before 8... so when forrest called at 1130 i thought it was morning and couldnt figure out why it was so dark. it felt good, though, to sleep so much. i got up at 1030 this morning, had breakfast, then went back to bed until forrest woke me up again. i swear without him i would sleep my whole life away. this afternoon after i got out of the shower the phone rang. i told Bo i'd grab it and answered it. i was confused at first by the timid voice on the other end until i realized it was Jaime, the guy i met sunday night. i had written him a letter including my phone number. it was SO HARD to talk on the phone in Spanish but somehow i managed. it was really good talking to him... since i've wondered about him all week. He said his mom is coming to visit him and his brothers soon... she lives in Mexico and he and his two brothers live in Salem. he wants me to come back to Salem while she's there. that would be so cool. but i probably wont get back until November... unless my mom does decide she wants to see me before that. anyway... i dont really know what will come of my letter-writing, phone-calling friendship but whatever it is i like it so far so we'll see. i'm going to go eat dinner now. |
|
|
| sunday, august 31st, 2003. 8:32pm wow. it's been forever. i have been so busy i dont even have time to go to the computer lab. i hate my pretzelmaker job... its messy and boring and i barely got trained and already work by myself so it stresses me out. my classes are good but sleep-inducing... the reading never ends. i'm starting to feel like i have friends again though, which is good. the inevitable happened when i saw humberto on Thursday night (soccer night) at the rec center. but you know what? it was fine. i was like " you know what? i can do this" and i waved and it was fine. although the next day i saw him at the commons and pretended not to cause im not quite ready to walk up and have a "yes we really are friends" conversation yet. all in time though, seriously. im beginning to think it really is a new guy every week. seriously. i met this guy at work on friday night and we went out on a date that night. his name was jared, he was just in town from alaska visiting his sister. he was really cool though, we really hit it off. he's in the army. who wouldve thought i would like an army guy! haha. but yeah we had a great time but he left sunday morning for alaska so i was kind of bummed. i seriously dont know what about me attracts guys. especially while im working. i was all greasy and sweaty and my hair was all messy. who knows, maybe some guys just like that stuff. anyway, i feel like i should have more to say after a whole week of writing, but maybe ill try again later. |
| August 2003 |
|