☻people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there

☻Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!

Bloke 1 : You know what gets my goat up?
Bloke 2 : What's that then?
Bloke 3 : My Alarm Clock.....

More equally silly jokes:

Student 1 : You know what I can't understand?
Student 2 : What?
Student 1 : Swahili.

Salesman : Now you can't say fairer than that...
Customer : Farrrrrrr....rrr..forrr....

Agent 1 : You know what bugs me?
Agent 2 : What?
Agent 1 : MI5.

Bellringer 1 : You know what I can't stand?
Bellringer 2 : What?
Bellringer 1 : Really lightly set bells.

Customer : Fera then thoooooo

Regressive 1 : You know what pisses me off?
Regressive 2 : No, What?
Regressive 1 : My penis.

Australian 1 : It came back to me!
Australian 2 : What did?
Australian 1 : My Boomerang.

Customer : Farier Thot tttthhhraaggghhh

Old Woman 1 : You know what irritates me?
Old Woman 2 : What's that then deary?
Old Woman 1 : Woolen jumpers up against my skin.

Idiot 1 : You know what annoys me?
Idiot 2 : Dunno, what?
Idiot 1 : A load speaker and a microphone.
Idiot 2 : You're wierd.

Customer : That Fraaangoooo

Old Timer 1 : You know what I miss?
Old Timer 2 : And what might that be?
Old Timer 1 : Really small targets that are miles away.

Cook 1 : You know what I need?
Cook 2 : What?
Cook 1 : Dough.

Customer : Frrrrrrrrrrr........

Divorcé 1 : You know me and my wife never did see eye to eye.
Divorcé 2 : Why's that then?
Divorcé 1 : I was 18 inches taller than her.

Teacher 1 : You know what makes me mad?
Teacher 2 : What?
Teacher 1 : Changing the 'e' to an 'a' and adding a 'd'.

Customer : Fairrrrrrreeeeeee

Boyfriend : I think it's important I tell you how I feel...
Girlfriend : Yes?
Boyfriend : Nerve ending send messages to my brain...

Customer : Fff.. No, you're right...

Young Girl : I'm just a girl that can't say Nnnnnnnnnnn...... Ohgo on then.



Confucius say, Man who fart in church must sit in his own pew.
Confucius say, Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up.
Confucius say, Wife who puts man in dog house may find him in cat house.
Confucius say, Virgin like balloon — one prick, all gone.
Confucius say, Girl who have red hair have red hair, by cracky.
Confucius say, Man who lays girl on hillside is not on the level.
Confucius say, Man who lays girl in field gets piece on earth.
Confucius say, Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Confucius say, Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Confucius say, Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Confucius say, Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Confucius say, Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Confucius say, Baseball got it all wrong — man with four balls cannot walk.
Confucius say, Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down.

Kids jokes: Although these jokes are often funny for people of all ages, kids and adults alike, they are typically geared toward children and young adults. By this, we mean that they have a shortness and simpleness about them that allow an individual at virtually any age to get a good laugh.


What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!

Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke
when he's a baby!

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

What is a myth?
A female moth!




Silly collection 02
How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!

What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?
This match won't light!

That's funny, it did this morning!

What do elves do after school?
Gnomework!

If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink?
Cork!

How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!

How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!


What do Scotsmen eat?
Tart'n'pie!

What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it's lighter!

What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?
Oldham!

What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!

What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!

What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!

Where do tadpoles change?
In a croakroom!

What do golfers use in China?
China tees!

What kind of hair do oceans have?
Wavy!

Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!

In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!

Lions, in the Park?
Well, dandelions!

What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!

Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!

What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!



Silly collection 05
I'd tell you another joke about a pencil.
But it doesn't have any point!

Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!

What was the gangsters last words?
Who put that violin in my violin case!

Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father?
They called him dad!

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir!

Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot?
He flew 57 missions!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over




Silly collection 06
What is Cheddar Gorge?
A large cheese sandwich!

What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea?
It gets wet!

Why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her?
To feed her nightmare!

What city cheats at exams?
Peking!

What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
It doesn't eat much!

Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA?
Because it has 4 A's and one B!

Who invented fire?
Some bright spark!



Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

What is "out of bounds"?
An exhausted kangaroo!

Have you ever seen a duchess?
Yes - it's the same as an English "s"!

What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!

Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge?
They say it blew his cool!

Would you like a duck egg for tea?
Only if you quack it for me!

I've got a wonder watch. It only cost fifty cents.
Why is it a wonder watch?
Because every time I look at it I wonder if it is still working


How did the telephones get married?
In a double ring ceremony!

What is a polygon?
A dead parrot!

Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
Give him a glass of water!

Eat up your spinach, it'll put color in your cheeks.
But I don't want green cheeks!

"Quick, take the wheel", said the nervous driver.
"Why?"
"Because there is a tree coming straight for us!"

Where does success come before work?
In the dictionary!

Did you hear about the fool you keeps going around saying "no"?
No. Oh, so it's you!




Silly collection 09
I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice. You don't want justice - you want mercy!

What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife?
Great big ones!

Who was the world's greatest thief?
Atlas, because he held up the whole world!

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars!

If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!

What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
His nose!

Mr Smith: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell down the wishing well.
Mr Brown: It works!


What do you call an American drawing?
Yankee doodle!

I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed"
Did you have a big role?
No just toast and marmalade!

What key went to college?
Yale!

What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!

Why was the broom late?
It over slept!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

What is green, four legs and two trunks?
Two seasick tourists!




Silly collection 11
Who is in cowboy films and always broke?
Skint Eastwood!

Who is the biggest gangster in the sea?
Al Caprawn!

What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A pecking order!

Why did the silly kid stand on his head?
His feet were tired!

What does one star say to another star when they meet?
Glad to meteor!

Were you long in the hospital?
No, I was the same size that I am now!

How did the farmer fix his jeans?
With a cabbage patch!


What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
Ferry tales!

Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8!

What's an insect's favourite sport?
Cricket!

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A minnie van!

Is this a second hand shop?
Yes Sir Good. Can you fit one to my watch then please!

How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
By flood lighting!

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

What did the picture say to the wall?
I've got you covered!

What is the best thing to take into the desert?
A thirst aid kit!

Who was the first underwater spy?
James Pond!

What is hairy and coughs?
A coconut with a cold!

What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object!

Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?
So he could loaf around!



 

☻I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!

☻I would stop eating chocolate.. but I'm not a quitter!