My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...


Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?


I took an IQ test and the results were negative.


Usama Bin Laden loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…


If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…


Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!


Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was
not found! Sorry..............


Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!


It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.


News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third
one was caught reading this txt message



God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested


The longest sentence known to man: "I do."


CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this


Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?


This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog,
seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.


Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.


I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep,
tat's how u...eat an ice cream!


ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.


Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. SupportUs it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a
hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.


Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving
faster than you is a maniac?


Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!


Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.


I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...


There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6
months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?


What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.


A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock,
Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.


What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻He's tighter than a photo finish.

☻He's sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt

☻He's got a head balder than a baby's arse.

☻He's got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.

☻He's got a nose like a blind carpenter's thumb.

☻Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.

☻As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

☻It's colder than a penguin's bollocks

☻She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

☻You've got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier

☻She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

☻As rare as a Blonde virgin

☻I've seen more hair on a billiard ball

☻He's as camp as a row of tents

☻I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

☻They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up

☻As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

☻You could park a bike on that bum

☻He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

☻He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

☻Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers

☻About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

☻They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump

☻As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

☻She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head

☻She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner

☻About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

☻He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery

☻She's been up and down more times than a whore's drawers

☻She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard