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LOVE - when you argue over how
many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who
gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over
money.
LOVE - when you share everything
you own.
LUST - when you think twice
about giving your partner bus
money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns
everything.
LOVE - when it doesnt matter if
you dont climax.
LUST - when the relationship is
over, if you dont climax.
MARRIAGE - whats a climax?
LOVE - when you phone each other
just to say "Gidday".
LUST - when you phone each other
just to arrange sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each
other to find out what time your
sons game starts.
LOVE - when you write poems
about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is
your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write
are checks.
LOVE - when you show concern for
your partners feelings.
LUST - when you couldnt give a
shit.
MARRIAGE - when your only
concern is whats on TV.
LOVE - when your farewell is I
love you darling...
LUST - when your farewell is So,
same time next week?
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is
silent.
LOVE - when you are proud to be
seen in public with your
partner.
LUST - when you only ever see
each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see
each other awake.
LOVE - when your heart flutters
everytime you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches
everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet
empties everytime you see them
LOVE - when all the songs on the
radio describe exactly how you
feel.
LUST - when its just the same
mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen
to music.
LOVE - when breaking up is
something you try not to think
about.
LUST - when staying together is
something you try not to think
about.
MARRIAGE - when just getting
through today is your only
thought.
LOVE - when youre interested in
everything your partner does.
LUST - when youre only
interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - when youre not
interested in what your partner
does and the one thing youre
interested in is your golf
score.
Marriage requires a man to
prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Married life is full of
excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman
listens.
* In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they BOTH
speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
Getting married is very much
like going to the restaurant
with friends. You order what you
want,
and when you see what the other
fellow has, you wish you had
ordered that.
Its true that all men are born
free and equal but some of them
get MARRIED!
A happy marriage is a matter of
giving and taking; the husband
gives and the wife takes.
When a newly married man looks
happy, we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks
happy, we wonder why
All desirable things in life are
either illegal.. Banned..
Fattening.. Expensive or Married
to someone else!!
Boyfriends are like Pani puri,
tastes good anytime. Lovers are
like Pizzas, hot and spicy,
eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal Rice, eaten
when there is no choice
Love is one long sweet dream,
and marriage is the alarm clock
A little kid asks, Daddy, how
much does it cost to get
married? No idea he replied, I
am still paying for it...
The secret of a happy marriage
remains a secret
Behind every great man there is
a surprised woman
When a man steals your wife
there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
Why do couples hold hands during
their wedding day? Wel, its just
a formality,
like two boxers shaking hands b4
d fight begins
☻Getting
married is very much like going
to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and
when you see what the other
fellow has, you wish you had
ordered that.
☻Love
is one long sweet dream, and
marriage is the alarm clock.
☻Q:
Why are husbands like lawn
mowers?
A: They're hard to get started,
emit foul odors, and don't work
half the time!
☻Husband
to wife: Why do you keep reading
our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for
a loophole
☻The
definition of a perfect Wife? -
one who helps the husband with
the dishes...
☻The
Minister noticed the bride was
in distress so asked what was
wrong. She replied that she was
awfully nervous and afraid she
would not remember what to do.
The Minister told her that she
only needed to remember 3
things.
First the aisle, cos that is
what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that
is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because
that is a type of song we will
sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in
step with the wedding march,
family and friends of the groom
were horrified to hear her
repeating these 3 words
...Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter
him)
☻Men
are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually
head right for your hips.
☻A
little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy,
how much does it cost to get
married?"
"No idea," replied the Father,
"I'm still paying for it..."
☻There
was this lover who said that he
would go through hell for her.
They got married - now he is
going through Hell!!!
☻I've
got a good friend who married a
Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need
to do something to spice up our
love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home
and found her in bed with
another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You
said I needed to do something to
spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second
Opinion", she replied...
☻Q:
Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything
else in the kitchen.
☻One
day a man inserted an 'advert'
in the local classifieds: "Wife
wanted".
Next day he received a hundred
letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
☻What
makes men chase women they have
no intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that
makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving
☻Marriage
- an institution in which a man
loses his Bachelor's Degree and
the woman gets her Masters.
☻After
a lengthy quarrel, a wife said
to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't
notice it."
☻I
was married by a judge. I should
have asked for a jury. - Groucho
Marx
☻I've
sometimes thought of marrying,
and then I've thought again. -
Noel Coward
☻Behind
every great man there is a
surprised woman. - Maryon
Pearson
☻The
most happy marriage I can
imagine to myself would be the
union of a deaf man to a blind
woman. - S. T. Coleridge
☻A
man is incomplete until he is
married. After that, he is
finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
☻A
good marriage would be between a
blind wife and a deaf husband. -
Michel de Montaigne
☻Marriage
changes passion ... suddenly
you're in bed with a relative. -
Unknown
☻Love
is one long sweet dream, and
marriage is the alarm clock.
☻Can
you imagine a world without men?
No crime and lots of happy, fat
women. - Marion Smith
☻There's
a way of transferring funds that
is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage. -
James Holt McGavran
☻The
man who says his wife can't take
a joke, forgets that she took
him - Oscar Wilde
☻An
archaeologist is the best
husband a woman can have. The
older she gets, the more
interested he is in her. -
Agatha Christie
☻Marriage
is give and take. You'd better
give it to her or she'll take it
anyway. - Joey Adams
☻A
husband's last words should
always be 'OK buy it'.
☻They
say marriages are made in
Heaven. But so is thunder and
lightning. - Clint Eastwood
☻There's
only one way to have a happy
marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married
again. - Clint Eastwood
☻The
most dangerous food a man can
eat is wedding cake - Unknown.
☻A
coward is a hero with a wife,
kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin
Kitman
☻Marriage
is a wonderful institution, but
who wants to live in an
institution? - Groucho Marx
☻After
marriage, husband and wife
become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other, but
still they stay together. -
Hemant Joshi
☻A
man's wife has more power over
him than the state has. - Ralph
Waldo Emerson
☻The
secret of a happy marriage
remains a secret. - Henry
Youngman
☻Give
a man a free hand and he'll run
it all over you. - Mae West
☻The
trouble with some woman is that
they get all excited about
nothing, and then marry him -
Cher
☻I
never knew what real happiness
was until I got married. And by
then it was too late. - Max
Kauffmann
☻I
never married because I have
three pets at home that answer
the same purpose as a husband. I
have a dog that growls every
morning, a parrot that swears
all afternoon and a cat that
comes home late at night. -
Marie Corelli
☻I
require only three things of a
man. He must be handsome,
ruthless and stupid. - Dorothy
Parker
☻When
a man steals your wife there is
no better revenge than to let
him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
☻Keep
your eyes wide open before
marriage, and half-shut
afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin
☻Many
a man owes his success to his
first wife and his second wife
to his success. - Jim Backus
☻By
all means marry; if you get a
good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll become
a philosopher. - Socrates
☻A
husband is what is left of the
lover after the nerve is
extracted - Helen Rowland
☻Marriage
has no guarantees. If that's
what you're looking for, go live
with a car battery. - Erma
Bombeck
☻All
tragedies are finished by a
death, all comedies by a
marriage. - Lord Byron
☻Some
people ask the secret of our
long marriage. We take time to
go to a restaurant two times a
week. A little candlelight,
dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henry Youngman
☻Marriage
is an adventure, like going to
war. - G. K. Chesterton
☻My
wife has a slight impediment in
her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe. - Jimmy
Durante
☻I
haven't spoken to my wife in
years. I didn't want to
interrupt her. - Rodney
Dangerfield
☻I
like to wake up each morning
feeling a new man. - Jean Harlow
☻Marriage
is like pi - natural,
irrational, and very important.
- Lisa Hoffman
☻To
the bride and groom - may we all
be invited to your golden
wedding celebrations...
☻To
the NewlyWeds: May 'for better
or worse' be far better than
worse.
☻To
the 2 secrets of a long lasting
and happy marriage
...Here's to good sense of humor
and a short memory!
☻Grooms,
once you marry, please remember
that when you have a discussion
with your future wife, always
try to get the last two words
in: "Yes dear"
☻You
know, the trouble with being the
best man at a wedding is that
you never get to actually prove
it.
☻May
the best of your past be the
worst of your future
☻Married
life has many Ups and
Downs...May most of yours be
between the sheets!
☻May
the joys you share today, be the
beginning of a lifetime of great
happiness and fulfilment
☻To
our wives and lovers...may they
never meet!
☻Congratulations
on the termination of your
isolation and may I express an
appreciation of your
determination to end the
desperation and frustration
which has caused you so much
consternation in giving you the
inspiration to make a
combination to bring an
accumulation to the population.
☻May
you grow old on one pillow.
☻Dear
[bride's name],
☻Isn't
it quite funny how History
repeats itself?
[Bride's Age] years ago your
Mother and Father were putting
you to bed with a dummy...and
now it's happening all over
again
☻I've
known many,
Liked not a few,
Loved only one,
I toast to you
☻Here's
to the bride - may she share
everything with her
husband...and that includes the
housework.
☻To
the Bride and Groom - may the
roof above you never fall in and
may you both never fall out
☻To
the Bride and Groom - live life
to the fullest and remember,
this is the first day of the
rest of your life...
☻To
my wife...my bride...my joy
☻May
your joys be as deep as the
Ocean, and your troubles as
light as its foam.
☻May
we never forget what is worth
remembering or remember what is
best forgotten.
☻A
thing of beauty is a joy
forever. Here's to you, my
beautiful bride.
☻May
our children be blessed with
rich parents
☻Here's
to my bride: she knows
everything about me, yet loves
me just the same.
☻Marriage
is not a word. It's a
sentence....(a life sentence!).
☻Marriage
is a 3-ring circus - engagement
ring, wedding ring and
Suffering.
☻A
happy marriage is a matter of
give and take; the husband gives
and the wife takes.
☻A
woman was telling her friend ,
"It was I who made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you
married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A
multi-millionaire".
☻There
was this woman who had an artist
paint a portrait of her covered
with the most amazingly
beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation - "If I die and
my husband re-marries, I want
his next wife to go crazy
looking for the jewels."
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