☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r. 

☻Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text! 

☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost! 

☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias! 

☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! 

☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you 

☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it. 

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone 

☻Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken! 

☻I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok! 

☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

☻Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else. 

☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative. 

☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him. 

☻Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too... 

☻U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :) 

☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU! 

☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key. 

☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. 

☻Nope.....u still ugly! 

☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty. 

☻What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come. 

☻Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.' 

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u. 

☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass. 

☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer. 

☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away! 

☻It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it. 

☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!  

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

☻You are here: X 

☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block. 

☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy. 

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?  

☻Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole! 

☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. 

☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones. 

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything. 

☻Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know? 

☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.' 

☻Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???" 

☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!  

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between! 

☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS! 

☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX! 

☻When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number.... 

☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply! 

☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move. 

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides. 

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.  

☻I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check. 

☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.  

☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives. 

☻Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.  

☻You may be recognized soon. Hide. 

☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.  

☻He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.  

☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.  

☻Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???  

☻Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.  

☻If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.  

☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.  

☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch 

☻If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me 

☻Mind intentionally left blank...  

☻I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem 

☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. 

☻Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.  

☻If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.  

☻Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before. 

☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?  

☻The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.  

☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times. 

☻Born Free........Taxed to Death. 

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found 

☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip. 

☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. 

☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. 

☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now... 

☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key. 

☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' 

☻Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

 ☻Celibacy is not hereditary

☻Familiarity breeds children

☻Life is sexually transmitted

☻We do precision guesswork

☻Born free . . . Taxed to death

☻If it's too loud, you're too old

☻Common sense isn't common

☻Nothing succeeds like excess

☻Do pilots take crash-courses?

☻If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

☻The older I get, the older old is

☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

☻A closed mouth gathers no feet

☻Do witches run spell checkers?

☻I don't get even . . . . . I get odder

☻Allow me to introduce my selves

☻A feature is a bug with seniority

☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?

☻Justice: A decision in your favor

☻Strip mining prevents forest fires

☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind

☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed

☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

☻Today's subliminal message is . . .

☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. 

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. 

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! 

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. 

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick. 

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school. 

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Fuck Me...are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

☻Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

☻Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes

☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion

☻If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert

☻I don't work here. I'm a consultant

☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes

☻The best things in life aren't things

☻I like feminists; I think they're cute

☻I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

☻Does killing time damage eternity?

☻How can there be self-help groups?

☻"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

☻BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else

☻Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving

☻Exceptions always outnumber rules

☻Adults are just kids who owe money

☻All stressed out and no one to choke

☻Constipated people don't give a crap

☻I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got

☻Where there's a will, I want to be in it

☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

☻Never miss a good chance to shut up

☻All computers wait at the same speed

☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?

☻How come night falls but day breaks?

☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?

☻If we quit voting will they all go away?

☻Is it time for your medication or mine?

☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)

☻I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter

☻When all else fails manipulate the data

☻I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation

☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story

☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw

☻I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

☻I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier

☻When money talks, the criminal walks