|
☻T Japanese hv banned all animal movements after discovering
droppings in T Bdding in 2kyo. |
| Ty Blieve it could B a case of Fu2n
Mouse. |
| |
|
☻Hw do U occupy an idiot? |
| Press down - Press up! |
| |
|
☻2 men R fishing. A funeral march goes by. T 1st man places
his h@ on his chest. 2nd man says ''Th@'s nice. |
| 1st man says 'It's T least I cn do. We
wr married for 25 years.' |
| |
|
☻Y did T farmer win a noBl prize? |
| Bcoz he was out st&ing in his field! |
| |
|
☻Y did T jelly baby go 2 school? |
| Bcoz it wanted 2 B a smarty. |
| |
|
☻Wht do U cll a dog with no legs? |
| It doesn't m@ter wot U cll him, he
ain't gonna cum. |
| |
|
☻For sale complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 74 volumes.
Good condition. £1,000 ONO. |
| No longer needed, got married, T wife
knows eVthing! |
| |
|
☻I went 2 by sum camouflage trousers T oTr day |
| But I cdnt find NE. |
| |
|
☻Y did T cnnibal rush over 2 T cafeteria? |
| He hrd children wr half price. |
| |
|
☻Y dnt lobsters shR? |
| Bcoz Ty're shellfish. |
| |
|
☻I'm an alien I've transformed in2 Ur ph1 & as U're reading
ths I'm having sex with Ur finger. |
| I know U like it Bcoz I cn C U
smiling! |
| |
|
☻T jogger who overslept found himself running... |
| l@e. |
| |
|
☻A girl ph1d me T oTr day & said 'Come no over, Tre's nobody
home'. |
| I went over. Nobody was home. |
| |
|
☻Woman asks a barman 'Cn I hv a double entendre please?' |
| so T barman gave her 1. |
| |
|
☻2 aerials meet on a roof - fell in love & got married. |
| T ceremony was terrible, but T
reception was brilliant! |
| |
|
☻I had a ploughman's lunch T oTr day. |
| He wasn't V happy. |
| |
|
☻Y dnt c@s shv? |
| Coz 80% prefer Whiskers! |
| |
|
☻Wht do U cll a vicar on a mo2r bike? |
| Rev. |
| |
|
☻Did U hear about T Dutch man with T infl@able shoes? |
| He popped his clogs! |
| |
|
☻Chelsea signed 2 players from Icel&. |
| Ranieri said 'If Ty R no good he wll
try Sainsburys. |
| |
|
☻Hw do U communic@e with a fish? |
| Drop it a line. |
| |
|
☻Wht do elephants hv for dinner? |
| An hour, just like T rest of T
animals. |
| |
|
☻Hw does Bob Marley like his s&wiches? |
| Wi jammin. |
| |
|
☻Wht do U cll a triple barrel shotgun? |
| A trifle. |
| |
|
☻Wht do U cll a h&cuffed man? |
| Trus2rthy. |
| |
|
☻Wht do Mexicns hv under Tir carpets? |
| Underlay! Underlay! |
| |
|
☻Wht's T maximum penalty of bigamy? |
| 2 moTrs-in-law. |
| |
|
☻Wht do U get if U cross a skunk with a boomerang? |
| A bad smell U cnt get rid of. |
| |
|
☻Wht's T fastest cake in T world? |
| Sc1. |
| |
|
☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? |
| I'll tel U l8r. |
| |
|
☻Y R dumb blonde jokes all 1-liners? |
| So men cn underst& Tm. |
| |
|
☻Wot do U do if a blonde throws a grenade @ U? |
| Take T pin out & throw it back. |
| |
|
☻Hv U hrd about T magic trac2r? |
| It went down a country road & turned
in2 a field. |
| |
|
☻I want 2 die peacefully in my sleep like my gr&f@her… |
| not screaming in terror like his
passengers! |
| |
|
☻Spell hungry horse in 4 letters. |
| M T G G. |
| |
|
☻I used 2 like trac2rs... |
| ...but now I'm an extrac2r fan. |
| |
|
☻My wife dresses 2 kill |
| T only problem is th@ she cooks in T
same manner. |
| |
|
☻Wht did 1 magnet say 2 T oTr magnet? |
| I find U V @tractive. |
| |
|
☻Hw do U kp an idiot amused? |
| W@ch ths message until it goes away! |
| |
|
☻Tre wr 2 cows in a field - Daisy & MaBl. |
D: 'I've bn artificially insemin@ed.'
M: 'I dnt Blieve U!'
D: 'Straight up, no bull!' |
| |
|
☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But
don't worry... |
| I'm sure science Will come up With
something To help you. |
| |
|
☻How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her,
tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her |
| How to impress a man: Show up naked,
bring beer |
| |
|
☻There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar
in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed! |
| And of course adonkey to pay her
bills!! |
| |
|
☻The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, |
| because the average man can see better
than he can think |
| |
|
☻Brain Search: Brain detector activated, calibrating, now
searching.........still searching......get a good grip of your gsm.... |
| still searching.......no brains found |
| |
|
☻Why did they call it PMS? |
| Mad cow disease was already taken! |
| |
|
☻Mary had a little lamb |
| The doctor fainted!!! |
| |
|
☻When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment |
| when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its
£3.95 per minute! |
| |
|
☻Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice
friends, charming, funny |
| well...Enough about ME! How about you? |
| |
|
☻I Want triplets you want twins.... |
| Lets get in bed and see who wins |
| |
|
☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now... |
| Sorry I am leaving now, I can't find a
brain |
| |
|
☻Yesterday night I lay on my bed looking at the stars, then I
wondered... |
| Hey, where on earth IS MY ROOF! |
| |
|
☻I wanted to send you something that would make you smile... |
| But the postman told me to get out of
the mailbox |
| |
|
☻Drive carefully: |
| 90% of people in this world are caused
by accidents... |
|
|
|
☻God made man and then rested, |
| God made women and then no one rested |
| |
|
☻Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? |
| It's like when dogs chase cars they
have no intention of driving |
| |
|
☻blonde is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another blonde
across the lake, 'How do I get 2 the other side?' |
| The other blonde yells back, 'U R on
the other side!' |
| |
|
☻How do you keep a blonde busy all day? |
| Put her in a round room and tell her
to sit in the corner |
| |
|
☻What do u call a blonde hiding in a closet? |
| The 1987 world hide and seek champion |
| |
|
☻What do 7'tall basketball players do in their off season? |
| Go to the movies and sit in front of
you |
| |
|
☻Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? |
| Because if they all went it would be
hell |
| |
|
☻Why can't men get Mad Cow's Disease? |
| Because they are pigs |
| |
|
☻How many letters are in the Alphabet? |
| Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a
UFO and the FBI went after him! |
| |
|
☻What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? |
| Some traffic signs say stop |
| |
|
☻How do you keep an idiot in suspense............?? |
| Tell you later........ |
| |
|
☻Why don't blondes talk whilst having sex? |
| Because their mums told them not to
talk to strangers! |
| |
|
☻Never let a man's mind wander, |
| It's too little to be out on it's
own!!!! |
| |
|
☻What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to
Christmas cake? |
| Tarzipan! |
| |
|
☻Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas? |
| No you can have turkey like everyone
else ! |
| |
|
☻Who is never hungry at Christmas? |
| The turkey - he's always stuffed ! |
| |
|
☻We had grandma for Christmas dinner? |
| Really, we had turkey! |
| |
|
☻This turkey tastes like an old settee. |
| Well, you asked for something with
plenty of stuffing. |
| |
|
☻What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards? |
| ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!) |
| |
|
☻Why did the blond woman sneak past the pharmacy? |
| She didn't want to wake the sleeping
tablets! |
| |
|
☻The average woman would rather have beauty than brains... |
| Because the average man can see better
than he can think |
| |
|
☻What's the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent men? |
| Big foot has been spotted a few times |
| |
|
☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they
walked into the bar? |
| Ok you 2, don't start anything. |
| |
|
☻Two blondes were driving to Disney Land when they saw a sign
that read, "Disney Land left" |
| So they turned round and went home. |
| |
|
☻Drink until she's cute |
| But stop before the wedding! |
| |
|
☻Guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. |
| The waiter replies 'nothing special -
we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die'. |
| |
|
☻He said: "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
to put in it." |
| She said: "You wear underpants, don't
you?" |
| |
|
☻What's the difference between men and women? |
A woman wants one man to satisfy her
every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
|
☻Abracadabra |
| Nope, ur still ugly! |
| |
|
☻Ths msg cn only
B read by a SEXY person: |
| Nothing? Sorry, I guess UR
just not SEXY… Hey! Dnt force it ugly, get lost! |
| |
|
☻2 cows in a
field. 1 cow says 'Hv U hrd about ths mad cow disease?' |
| T oTr thinks & replies 'Yep
but it doesn't affect us rabbits
|
|