In this page, you will get to explore the mind, events and feelings of a Chun Jui... ok, fine, judging from the past 26 years, my life is far from what you call "eventful" (in fact, "dull" might the be more appropriate adjective) but I'll try to keep my entries interesting!
Monday, July 31, 2006
Ok, warning , the following are a collection of random thoughts that I've had for the past week ( Vivee: you know how I teased you about you having a million thoughts swirling around in your head all the time? Well, guess what? Me too! :P)
First of all, it was so nice of my good friend, Vivian to write about me in her blog. :) She wrote about the quotation that I recently put on this website ("You have to put up with the rain to see the rainbow."). Well, I was just reminded about how this quote is so true when I recently read about the reconciliation of Nicholas Tse and Cecelia Cheung, two young, famous actors/singers in HK. Even though I am no fan of either of them, I just felt so happy for them when they finally admitted that they're finally back together after 4-5 years of separation.
This young, good-looking couple have certainly "put up with the rain" and I sincerely hope they will "see the rainbow". If you're familiar with the HK entertainment scene, you will remember that Nicholas, Cecelia and Asia's most popular singer, Faye Wong were in the headlines for months a few years back, as their tumultuous love triangle was played out for the world to see and judge. Faye and Nicholas were already the target for papperazzi because they were a very unique couple: she is 11 years Nic's senior. Then, rumours began about Nic starting to pursuing Cecelia (they are the same age) even though he was still with Faye. In a dramatic twist of events, Nic was further plunged into the limelight because he was involved in a high-profile car accident. Cecelia was in his car at the time of the accident and to avoid the public from finding out that he was with her , he fled the scene. He later lied to the police and said that it wasn't him who was driving and that earned him a charge of obstruction of justice.
Despite all of this, Faye was still with Nicholas, with Cecelia being the loser in this triangle. Cecelia's weight started dropping drastically, thus further drawing more papperazzi attention, fuelling rumours that she developed an eating disorder because of her broken heart plus all the stress of the media attention. After a while, the media cooled off and stopped paying so much attention to the three of them but it was during this time that Faye and Nicholas broke up. They were on-off a couple times for a couple years to follow. ANYWAY, presently, Faye has moved on and has married a popular Mainland Chinese actor and recently gave birth to a baby girl. Nicholas and Cecelia started to date again after having to work with each other on a new film.
Phew! They didn't only put up with the rain-- they've actually gone through several thunderstorms, tornadoes, hurricanes, and hailstorms!! But now, they're finally seeing the rainbow. Both Nicholas and Cecelia have expressed desires to start a family. I'm actually touched by their story, as dramatic and soap operatic as it was. It makes me feel happy that if two people were meant to be, they WILL be together at some point or another. This confirms my romantic, if not naive, view of the world. :)
I've finally got to go swimming again! You might already know that swimming is my favourite sport and I have found another reason to love it. :) As you all know, I'm blind as a bat without my glasses and so, all these years, swimming always meant that everything and everyone was one big blur. That used to annoy me and it used to be the only thing I didn't like about swimming. But now, I actually find not being able to see clearly as a blessing. It's a blessing because in the big blur, I cannot possibly see if other people at the pool are staring at me or laughing at me! All my self-consciousness that I'm used to when I can see clearly, all of a sudden, just dissipates. It works both ways: in the blurrines, I can't see how others look like and thus, make judgements about them, which in turn, means that I can't see whether they are judging me. It's actually quite liberating and peaceful, as funny as it sounds. I was able to just do my own thing. So, maybe if you want to be free of constant self-consciousness, start by not judging others. Self-conscious people are so because they judge others on the very things that they are self-conscious about! Does that make sense?
As I am writing this entry, I'm listening to mp3s that I downloaded a long time ago. It's been awhile since I've listened to them (and downloaded songs, for that matter!), and so, as each songs comes on, my mood changes. Many a songs were downloaded because they had some sort of sentimental meaning to me. It's funny how emotions amd memories can be so closely tied to music. It also reminds me how quickly time goes by. In this sense, music can be the tool people may need to have closure on certain events.
Some songs in my "musical memory book": Jay Chou's "Tornado" (brings a fuzzy feeling to me); Jay Chou's "Simple Love" (makes me feel happy); Jay Chou's "Unable to Speak" (reminds me of a certain person); Elva Xiao's "In the Blink of an Eye/Zhun Yan Zhi Jian (describes exactly how quickly time goes by); Jordan Chan's (I think that's his English name...) "Disqualified" (reminds me of our HK karaoke marathon sessions!); Amanda Marshall's "Too Little Too Late" (a missed opportunity with someone special-- he waited for too long); Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" (a song from my high school formal, AND a horrible/funny reminder of my brother and his friend's horrific karaoke attempt!!), and Sammi Cheng's "Nothing Owing" (sorry for the bad translation!)/ But Toa But Heem. What's your in your "memory playlist"? :)
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
And off we go! My mother finally boarded her flight to HK to attend my uncle's funeral. After about a week and a half, she was finally on her way. It was only about 11 days ago since we booked her ticket but it certainly felt like forever because of all the things we had to do, plus, she drove all of us, how can I say this nicely, CRAZY!!
To be honest, I was really looking forward to today when my mom was finally flying to HK (sounds bad, I know!) because that meant I could have about three weeks of freedom and peace. But sometime between last night and this morning at the morning, I finally realized why she drives all of us crazy with her constant nagging and desire for control-- she hates being away from us. At home, she gets to control everything and in a way, makes her feel like she's needed by the very people she needs and loves. When she is away from home, she's with people she can't control and thus, will not feel needed. I know she will miss us terribly (I know she does already) and so as much as she drives me INSANE, I actually miss her, too already. Not that "I-wish-my-mommy-were-here-to-cook-for-me" kind but the kind of reassurance knowing that she's safe and sound when she's at home. Does that make sense? I guess I just worry about her-- more and more, I'm finding myself more like the "mom" in our relationship. Is that a sign of me finally growing into an independent adult?
You know how some personality quizzes in magazines (think "YM") ask, "When was the last time you cried?" Well, my answer to that question today is-- TODAY-- twice!! :) No, don't worry, it wasn't depression or anything. Being the emotional and sensitive girl that I am, anything-- i mean, ANYTHING-- can turn on the waterworks for me. I am known for being able to cry at the even the cheesiest, sappiest TV COMMERCIALS! Anyway, the reason for the waterworks today was the movie trailer for "World Trade Center" that opens on August 9. When I first saw the trailer in the theatres months ago, I was disgusted that Hollywood was so quick to cash in on a tragedy that the world is still reeling from. I vowed that I would not watch it for two reasons: first, was that I didn't want the 9/11 tragedy to become a movie blockbuster and two, because I don't think I can handle it emotionally. Even though, I didn't personally know anyone who was killed in the tragedy, I did know someone who was very affected by it-- my late cousin, Kelly. Kelly was a flight attendant and she would have been on one of those hijacked flights but it was her day off. She later told us that all of her friends from work were killed and it took a lot of her to able to work again. And, as you may remember, in a cruel twist of fate, Kelly was later diagnosed with leukemia, and recently passed away in March.
I remember watching, in disbelief, on TV a plane crashing into one of the towers of the WTC, and then it crumbling minutes later. I could not believe it was for real. I remember how the world seemed so scary all of a sudden that day, and how tears just streamed down my face as I watched the whole thing unfold on TV. I didn't even realize I was crying. So when that trailer for the movie was on, all of those emotions and memories were stirred again. If just watching the trailer made me cry, what would happen if I were to watch the whole movie? And, if someone like me, with no direct connections to 9/11, finds that this movie is too much to handle, how would widows, orphans or other people who are directly connected to this tragedy be able to do so? The question, then, is this movie too soon?
My original feeling, as mentioned before, is yes, this movie is way too soon for any of us. The wound is still too fresh. But then, I thought about it more. First, this movie was bound to be made. There will be controversy regardless of when it is made. Some people may feel that 9/11 should never be made into a movie. But, tons of movies about the World Wars have been made. Second, if Oliver Stone (director of "World Trade Center"), is able to draw up all these emotions that all of us are trying to bury, then his talent to re-create reality, should be acknowledged, right? If you've seen those trailers, then you have to admit that those actors, including Nicholas Cage, have done an amazing job portraying those firefighters who were killed. Their acts of heroism and dedication to their jobs should be recognized.
So, am I going to see this movie in the theaters? For now, my answer is still no but maybe much later, I might rent the DVD. What's your take?
Monday, July 17, 2006
Rarely do I get angry. I mean, I get annoyed, ticked off, peeved or pissed off but not ANGRY. I'm angry because not only is my bend-over-backwards helping not appreciated and barely noticed but I'm also blamed for not doing ENOUGH! What's worse is that I asked if more help was needed, was told that it wasn't, then boom! All of a sudden, it's "Why didn't you do this for me? Don't you know that I need you to help?" What the...?!?!
I understand that people have bad moods when they are stressed/tired/not feeling well. But it's not fair to take out your foul mood on other innocent people, i.e. me. I think that all I have done for the past few days was to help. Today, I get yelled at for not doing enough of it! I was patient all along but I can only take so much. I was patient because it's family and I am willing to help as much as possible (to the point of giving up personal things/time/money,etc.) but apparently, it's not enough. Excuse me for being crude but "Do I have to wipe your butt, too??" Sorry for the disgusting anaology.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Another one: there has been another death in my extended family. Yesterday morning, we woke up to the news that my uncle in Hong Kong passed away after suffering from illnesses for several years now. So, just like only a few months ago with aunt's death, my family scrambled around looking for cheap airfares for my mom (this uncle is my mom's brother) to HK. Of course, "cheap" is a relative term. Back in March when my aunt passed and my mom had to fly to San Francisco, the airfare there was about $1200 CDN already, so can you guess how much last minute tickets to HONG KONG would be?? Fortunately though, it doesn't have to be THAT immediate because the funeral is not until early August.
As for my uncle, I naturally feel sad but at the same time -- and I hope I don't sound disrespectful-- I feel relief. I feel relieved for my aunt and cousins (my late uncle's wife and kids) because they've been under agonizing stress for the past several years ever since my uncle became stricken with illness. And of course, I feel relieved for my uncle because he's finally free from all the pain and suffering. Although you can't really say he lived a long life (my uncle was only in 60's) but at least he had a wife and kids who gave their all to him during all these agonizing years. They stuck by him and made sure he got the best healthcare there is. So, although my uncle cannot boast of longevity, he could about having a very supportive and loving family. What more could a person ask for?
This year has definitely been quite crazy so far. It's been full of ups and downs, triumphs and challenges. I feel like I've aged a few years. I'm definitely starting to feel the stress and responsibilities of a grown-up. In just one year, I think I've experienced the full gamut of emotions, from excitement (embarking on my career as a teacher) to stress to happiness to shock and sadness (the losses of aunt, cousin, and now, uncle) to love, to guilt, and back again! I have to admit that I feel a little worn down, despite it being my summer holiday. I feel a lot more responsibilities on my shoulders. As you can probably tell, my mood is quite complex as I'm writing this, so please forgive my nonsensical ramblings in today's entry... :S
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Yes, yes, I know, it's been a loooong time since my last update! There is way too much stuff that happened since the last update to type it all out here but here is a brief list:
What a year. I put up with a lot of crap this year but I think though that I've managed to earn respect from all those around me. I am proud of myself for not becoming bitter, still loving teaching (but I know that I won't be an elementary school teacher for the rest of my life--- I definitely want to do more with my hard-earned M.A. degree!), and only breaking down once that was late in the school year and only in front of my parents. :)
Thank you to EVERYONE who supported me, encouraged me, and listened to me whine and vent. I don't want to sound mushy but all of you really helped me stay sane-- thank you!
I saw this saying somewhere and I love it: "You have to put up with the rain to see the rainbow." That will be my new outlook on life!
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