In this page, you will get to explore the mind, events and feelings of a Chun Jui... ok, fine, judging from the past 23 years, my life is far from what you call "eventful" (in fact, "dull" might the be more appropriate adjective) but I'll try to keep my entries interesting!
Sunday, March 7, 2004
Whoa. I just had a very intense conversation with one of my friends, and because of her brutal honesty (I'm so grateful for that), she's made me think about certain things in a different way. Although I don't think she really understood how I felt about a *certain* matter, I'm glad that she tried to make me change my perspective. Although her brutal honesty made me feel all defensive, she DID manage to make me see the other side of the story-- whether or not I accept that different side of the story is my decision. I still don't think that other people should tell me what my feelings are because nobody will ever understand the complexity or depth of another person's feelings. Nobody can or will ever change my true emotions about that *matter*. I know how I felt and I know that I may still come across as naive and immature but it doesn't mean that what I had felt was not real. (By the way, I'm very sorry that this message is kind of cryptic but I just really needed some way of expressing my thoughts at the moment).
Maybe I'm feeling this way because I still care about how others see me-- something that I had thought I had improved in. I realize how extreme and contradictory I can be sometimes but for some reason, I'm always struggling with how I want other people to see me. Sometimes, I want people to see me as a strong, confident, undaunted kind of person but other times, I want people to realize that that tough exterior I try so hard to project is simply a facade. Sometimes, I just want people to know that although I may seem tough on the outside, I'm really "soft" and sensitive on the inside. Hmm... I guess I DO personify the Crab, my Zodiac sign (Cancer) very well.
Ai ya ya... my friend thinks that all of this explaining is simply me trying to make up excuses for myself, that I'm trying to justify the *situation*. But, the honest to God truth is, I'M NOT. A while ago, maybe even a year ago, I may have been trying to justify what had happened but now, at this very moment, I'm not anymore. I'm over *it* completely but I'm still going through some personal changes because of *it*-- which I believe are the good "side effects". My friend sees it as me still not completely over *it* and I'm still trying to justify what had happened... argghhh... But, THANK YOU Mel, thank you for being a true friend and being so honest with me, thank for counselling me in the end, when you had called me in the first place because you had needed some counselling from me. :)
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