YESTERDAY'S NEWS
Wall War II - The Remake
Blur
War has broken out once again between the belligerent nations of Howandaland and Panjenea. This
time the war has gone underground, literally. The front-lines appear to be below the border wall
separating the two uneasy neighbors, at depths varying from 50 to 250 feet..
(more)
Barney Rubble Murdered
Dozr
Earlier today in Bedrock, residents were shocked to hear that Fred Flintstone had confessed to
the brutal slaying of long-time neighbor and best friend, Barney Rubble. Apparently the two men
had been engaged in a dispute over a bowl of a popular children's breakfast cereal..
(more)
Tupac And Biggie Found Alive In Bahamas
Dozr
Earlier today, the very foundation of the hip-hop community was violently shaken when it was
discovered that Tupac "2pac" Shakur and Biggie "Notorious B.I.G." Smalls are still alive and
currently residing in Nassau. It would seem the duo has spent the last six years recording
material at Compass Point Studios, located approximately 10mi west of Nassau..
(more)
Area Man Wondering Which States Hawaiian Interstates Lead To
Blur
Area man Steve McGarrett wonders which states the interstates in Hawaii lead to. Hawaii has
four Interstates (H-1, H-2, H-3, and H-201), none of which appear to go anywhere other than
Hawaii. After giving a traditional hearty Hawaiian greeting "Aloha!", Steve quoted
a certain Vice-President: "Hawaii is a unique state..
(more)
Dell Guy Busted On Misdemeanor Drug Charge
Dozr
This past Sunday, actor Benjamin Curtis, better known as "Steve, the Dell Guy", was arrested on
a misdemeanor drug possession charge after buying an unknown amount of marijuana. Curtis, who
is currently a drama student at NYU, was nabbed by officers assigned to a drug detail
immediately after his purchase..
(more)
Heavy Metal Concerts Classed As Weapons Of Mass Destruction
Blur
In an historic United Nations summit, leaders from 178 nations around the world signed an
agreement classifying so called heavy metal concerts as weapons of mass destruction. This
agreement bound the signatories to the non-proliferation of said weapons. Notably absent from
the ranks of the signing nations were the U.S.A., Britain, Finland, Germany and Japan..
(more)
Participants In War Games Take It Out.. For Real!
Raiden
19-year old Billy Marshal was shot and killed at a local internet cafe after winning a duel that
involved him and the shooter, Yu Fook. This match involved a game called cheaterstrike, a war
game in which two teams, a group of hax0rs (hackers) and the anti-h4x (FBI) try to outsmart each
other in a game of wits..
(more)
Armistice Ends The First Wall War
Blur
An armistice bringing an end to the First Wall War was signed at an historic summit
attended by Howandaland Premier-for-life Mike Schmith and Panjenean strongman General
Djo Miles. The causus belli was ironically the very agreement which was intended
to prevent war..
(more)
Area Man Finds Understuffed Ravioli In Chef Boyardee's Overstuffed Ravioli
Blur
Area man and sometime Inevitable Retribution GamesNET channel visitor "Ripsta" aka "Ripgut" aka
"BigRagu" was distressed upon finding an understuffed ravioli in his can of Chef Boyardee's
overstuffed ravioli. While scratching his head, he told the reporter of this august publication
"I don't get it, it says overstuffed on the can.."
(more)
Area Woman Says Kurt Cobain Was Kidnapped By Grunge-Loving Aliens
Blur
"Kurt Cobain is alive!", so says area woman Ethel Highet. She gushed out "I was
a big fan of his! He never committed suicide, he was abducted by grunge-loving aliens!"
Ethel said that she saw Mr. Cobain wandering around Seattle's famed underground city and managed
to talk to him for a while..
(more)
Migrant Dies In Police Custody
Dozr
Early Saturday morning, the body of immigrant Manuel Diego was found lifeless in a cell in the
Stanislaus County jail. He apparently starved to death and was discovered between rounds of
interrogation about a case involving area man Charles de Geraint..
(more)
Top Reporter Mysteriously Appears
Blur
After a fortnight of being out of contact of the august publication, the Number One Paper, I am
happy to announce that I am officially found. The typical uncooperative attitude of the
authorities has been noted..
(more)
Top Reporter Mysteriously Disappears
Dozr
After nearly a week of being unable to contact our top reporter, we are sad to announce that he
is officially missing. At the present time, authorities are refusing to aid in the search for
him. Currently, we have no solid leads to his whereabouts..
(more)
Orchestra To Charge More For Concert Tickets
Raiden
Due to an overwhelming number of cell phones going off during concerts,
the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra has requested a dampening shield
to be built into the Orpheum Theatre. Due to the expensive cost of the
technology, ticket prices will now be increased by as much as 70%..
(more)
The First Wall War
Blur
War has broken out between Howandaland and Panjanea, scarely a week after
construction had started on the 100 mile (160 km) border wall between the two countries.
Literally caught in the middle of the rapid developments, is the Wakimato Wall Construction
Company.. (more)
Feds Shut Down Rivals In Bid To Take Over Fortune-Telling Market
Blur
Citing poor accuracy in predictions and general customer unhappiness, heavily armed Fair Trading
Commission (FTC) agents raided the Fort Lauderdale headquarters of Miss Cleo's psychic hot line,
seizing business equipment..
(more)
Area Man Proud Of $600 Duck Calls
Blur
Area man Steve McQuack proudly announced his ownership of duck calls worth $600. Playing a tape
recording, he commented upon his collection. "That's $130, next one's $150, and my favorite
$170.."
(more)
Modesto Police Bust Undocumented Labour Ring; Area Man Charged
Dozr
In an attempt to stem an unprecented influx of off-the-books labour, the Modesto Police
Department, in conjunction with the INS, raided several Modesto homes and businesses. What they
found was shocking..
(more)
Airport Security Upgraded For Influx Of Thanksgiving Fliers
Dozr
With the approach of Thanksgiving, airports are gearing up security to handle a larger number of
airline passengers. This will possibly be the busiest season for airlines since the September 11
tragedy in 2001..
(more)
Area Man Hopping Mad Over His Missing Foot
Blur
Area man Keenan McPhilips is distressed that his IRC nick "Hops" has spawned numerous
jokes about him missing a foot. He attributes the source of the jokes to Inevitable Retribution
GamesNET channel regular "Blur"..
(more)
Postal Service In Total Disarray
Dozr
The Christmas season is starting early this year. According to postal workers, too early. It
seems that the unexpected influx of Christmas gifts in the mails has wreaked havoc on the United
States Postal Service..
(more)
Company Delivers Computer Game By Promised Release Date; Game Fails To Sell
Blur
Computer game company hArDSoFt delivered their new game by the promised release date.
Unfortunately there is no threat that store shelves will be emptied of copies of the game by
rabid gamers doing their Christmas shopping..
(more)
Visually Impaired Student Hit By Speeding Motorist
Raiden
A blind student, while making her way across a pedestrian crossing on the way to school, was
clipped by a speeding motorist who failed to stop for any pedestrians. The motorist sped on..
(more)
Border Fencepost Lost In Border Fight
Blur
The conflict over the disputed 100 mile (160 km) border between the countries of Howandaland and
Panjenae took a turn for the worse with the loss of the fencepost at the 50 mile (80 km) mark..
(more)
John Lee Malvo Named Triggerman In Several Sniper Attacks
Dozr
After a seven-hour interrogation yesterday involving harsh language and baseball bats, 17-year
old John Lee Malvo confessed to actively participating in several of the sniper attacks..
(more)
Area Man Still Confused Over Seattle Streets After Five Years
Blur
Five years is still not long enough for area man to get accustomed to the subtleties of Seattle
streets. "Don't get me wrong," the area man said, "I love Seattle"..
(more)
Rocko
Potato Gun!
Fun With Fireworks!
The Nickel Game
Celebrity Light
New Bojango?
Filler
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