The First Wall War
by Blur
War has broken out between Howandaland and Panjanea, scarely a week after construction
had started on the 100 mile (160 km) border wall between the two countries. Literally
caught in the middle of the rapid developments, is the Wakimato Wall Construction
Company, headquartered in Destates Retinndu. Starting work at the center of the border
between Howandaland and Panjanea, and using two separate groups of round-the-clock
construction crews progressing in opposite directions, Wakimato lived up to its past
reputation of rapid construction work. Within a week, 80 miles (128 km) of wall had
been constructed.
Early in the morning of the outbreak of hostilities, Wakimato workers constructing the
west end of the border wall were surprised to see two Howandalandian tanks clanking
north into Panjanea, while their counterparts on the east end observed several
Panjanean soldiers marching south into Howandaland. Wakimato CEO Horace Wilkins called
his workers via satellite phone, announcing to them that the activity was simply joint
military maneuvers being performed by the newly reconciled nations. Workers were
overheard muttering about "know-nuthin' pointy-haireds", quickly lapsing
into silence under the foreman's bullwhip.
Later that night, the construction of the border wall was completed. Workers at the
west end of the wall spotted two Howandalandian tanks milling around the foot of the
north side of the wall. A similar event happened with Panjanean soldiers at the east
end of the wall. CEO Wilkins hastily set up a satellite feed to the workers, showing
them the televised emergency conference between the Howandalandian and Panjanean
ambassadors, convened in the capital of Destates Retinndu. "Damn headquarters
idjit." remarked one worker to his fellows while dining on beans and rice. A
foreman dragged the worker outside for some remedial attitude adjustment, requiring
the application of a two-by-four (wood) and a four-by-four (offroad vehicle).
"Under the orders of Premier-for-life Schmith, our glorious tank forces razed...
er... removed a Panjanean town illegally built on Howandalandian soil." beamed
the Howandalandian ambassador to his Panjanean counterpart, who just glared in response.
His expression then turned ugly. "Returning home to resupply, our tanks found
themselves cut off by a wall, built by Destates Retinndu workers in cahoots with
Panjanean scum!" Taking exception to this statement, the Panjanean ambassador was
barely restrained from causing an international incident, while attempting to
"adjust" the fit of the Howandalandian ambassador's collar.
Calming himself somewhat, the Panjanean ambassador launched into his own tirade.
"It's plain for the whole world to see that Destates Retinndu is siding with
Howandaland! Our valiant soldiers were returning home after reposessing materials that
were stolen from Panjanea by Howandalandian squatters to build their squalid camp. Alas
they were unable to return with their loot... er materials due to an obstructing
wall." The Howandalandian ambassador muttered "Typical nancy-boy Panjanean
soldiers who can't even scale walls!" and was overheard by the Panjanean
ambassador, who retorted with "At least they're not glorified tractor drivers!".
It was the Howandalandian ambassador's turn to be restrained as he attempted to feed his
counterpart a microphone.
The total casualties of the conflict are still unknown, although they include numerous
refugees, some whipped Wakimato workers and a broken two-by-four. One Wakimato worker
is known to be seriously wounded in what appears to have been a traffic accident
involving an offroad vehicle.
Destates Retinndu President Sergei Shzrub was unable to meet with the ambassadors of
Howandaland and Panjanea, since he was busy working on his golf game. "I'm not too
worried about this latest spat, things will blow over." said President Shzrub as
he sunk a nine-foot putt. "Oh you mean that border conflict thing? I thought you
meant my latest divorce." President Shzrub is twice divorced but has had no
children to date.
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