Tupac and Biggie Found Alive In Bahamas
by Dozr

Nassau, Bahamas

Above: Smalls (left) and Shakur demonstrate the difference between "fat" and "phat".
Earlier today, the very foundation of the hip-hop community was violently shaken when it was discovered that Tupac "2pac" Shakur and Biggie "Notorious B.I.G." Smalls are still alive and currently residing in Nassau. It would seem the duo has spent the last six years recording material at Compass Point Studios, located approximately 10mi west of Nassau, and relaxing on the beaches of the island of New Providence. The pair were located when area man John Yajamba stumbled upon them while taking a beach stroll. When asked about finding the two men, he told us "I was walkin' on de beach cuz I heard someone dropped some ganja. An' I jus look up an' dere dey were. Haillie Sellasse! Dat Ms. Cleo bitch gotta die ya bloodclot!"

We immediately dispatched our foreign correspondant to New Providence to attempt an interview with Mr. Shakur and Mr. Smalls (see sidebar). While he was there, we were able to contact the rappers' current management in Los Angeles by phone. Rob and Fab, formerly the faces of infamous group "Milli Vanilli", filled us in with some of the details. "They faked their own deaths in an attempt to sell more records, and because Suge Knight put a price on their heads anyways. Mainly just to sell records though" said either Rob or Fab. The other, whichever he was, then told us about future plans for Shakur and Smalls. "They're gonna put out one new album a year, just as they have for the past six or seven years. This material was to be released by their estates, but I guess that plan is out the window now." When we inquired as to why the pair had ceased hostilities in the first place, Rob (no, Fab. Wait, no, definitely Rob. Or is it-GAH! I GIVE UP!) explained that the men had done it "to sell records. Also because they had a common enemy, but mainly just to sell records."

As for the future of the two men, nothing is for certain. Smalls' current plans are to "get mo' hos", and Shakur has informed us he will be "watchin' Numba One Papa, nigga!" and plans to "bust a cap in they ass they be disrespectin' me!" With this mystery solved, the only thing fans still feel they need to know is "Which one is Rob and which one is Fab? DAMMIT!" 		    IN FOCUS
3 Questions With Tupac and Biggie
Blur

I tracked down 2Pac and Notorious B.I.G. on the beach. I found them drinking Goombay Smashes, which they hastily hid when I introduced myself and presented my credentials.

Blur: How can you justify rap as music?
2Pac: It's all about diversification, nigga. You gotz ta feel it. WESSYDE!
Biggie: Man, rap ain't 'bout no music. It's about gettin' paid. EASSYDE!

Blur: How about them mets?
2Pac: Nigga please! Fuck the mets yo. It's all about the Dodgers! WESSYDE BIATCH!
Biggie: They aight. EASSYDE HO!

Blur: Bush: Does he inhale?
2Pac: Hell yeah he inhale! That muthafucka smoke mo' than both of us put together! Fo' real! WESSYDE YOU PUNK-ASS MUTHAFUCKA!
Biggie: Yeah dawg, he muthafuckin' crazy. He got the bomb shit too. EASSYDE! YO MOMMA TOO!



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