Area Woman Says Kurt Cobain Was Kidnapped By Grunge-Loving Aliens
by Blur

Seattle, Washington

Above: Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love and baby. Rumor has it that in addition to Mr. Cobain's and Ms. Love's DNA, their baby also possessed alien genetic material.
"Kurt Cobain is alive!", so says area woman Ethel Highet. She gushed out "I was a big fan of his! He never committed suicide, he was abducted by grunge-loving aliens!"

Ethel said that she saw Mr. Cobain wandering around Seattle's famed underground city (see the sidebar) and managed to talk to him for a while. "They let him visit his hometown Seattle from time to time, for inspiration to write his songs, you know."

"He's looking kinda pale but you'd expect that from being stuck on an alien spacecraft. Kurt said that another faction of aliens had kidnapped Elvis - rock and roll loving ones. Elvis and Kurt have managed to talk alot, even had some jam sessions together. They're now on a first name basis." Ethel continued with "Kurt was looking for some Mexican Seafood and Pennyroyal Tea, as the aliens just can't seem to reproduce these kinds of Earth food exactly right."

When confronted with the fact that Kurt's body had been found, Ethel shrugged and said that she had asked Kurt the same thing. "Apparently a dead clone was substituted for Kurt's body. It was rough on Courtney, he told me. But the aliens offered to take her as well, once her career on Earth died. That seems to be their rule, to only take artists whose careers they judge to be dead."

Ethel paused at this point to wonder why the aliens didn't take pop stars. "Maybe there's too many pop stars and not enough alien ships. Maybe they just don't like pop. They wouldn't be the first people... er beings." she shrugged.
Seattle's Underground City

Beneath the sidewalks of Seattle's Pioneer Square rests a whole other Seattle. One-time home to sailors, shady dealers, whores and city elite, official and unofficial, the remains below Pioneer Square are the city's link to history.

The Great Fire of Seattle levelled most of the city in 1889 and many of the city's existing problems were addressed with a radical plan (no, not the fire). Built on mudflats, the city also had a sticky problem of erupting sewage pipes. These factors led to the idea of raising the city up a level and leaving the past behind.

The underground caverns possess preserved storefronts of yesteryear and are predictably a popular tourist trap. The caverns are also a popular rendezvous spot for Masons, Illuminati and secretive government agencies in their dealings with aliens. The Number One Paper was unable to substantiate rumors that these meetings were the source of so-called underground music.

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