Postal Service In Total Disarray
by Dozr
The Christmas season is starting early this year. According to postal workers, too early. It
seems that the unexpected influx of Christmas gifts in the mails has wreaked havoc on the United
States Postal Service. Said one man, "If this crap keeps up, someone's gonna get SHOT! YOU HEAR
ME? SHOT!" Others have shown signs of approaching the breaking point. An area employee told us
that she was suffering from a nervous condition brought on by recent events. "I'll watch the
parcels roll down the line, covered in miles and miles of that shiny paper, thinking 'when will
it end?' I'm having nightmares and not getting enough sleep. What kind of sick people buy
Christmas presents before Thanksgiving anyways?"
Postal workers aren't the only people suffering. A representative of this publication has
informed us that new submissions have stopped showing up. "It's the damned post office and these
freakin' idiots that just had to be the first to buy Team Fortress 2 for their nephew. They all
need to DIE!" he said. Until the postal service is able to correct the problem, you can reach
the Number 1 Paper in the Country using the following links. Submissions should be sent
here, while feedback should be sent
here.
For the time being, we urge citizens not to panic. The best thing you can do to help this
situation is to wait until a reasonable time to do your Christmas shopping.
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