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Archives AFRICAN-AMERICANS TAKE OVER COUNTRY, ENSLAVE WHITE PEOPLE Washington DC-In what is being called the most significant event of the century, the American government has been overthrown by a radical group of African-American militants... AOL CELEBRATES FIRST USER Hartford-The Walton family of Hartford, Connecticut, comprised of Dan, 37, Maria, 39, William, 14, and Lisa, 12, were recognised yesterday by the AOL corporation as being the first family to actually switch over to AOL.... BASEBALLS, BATS, THREATEN TO STRIKE New York-Due to failed contract renegotiation and labour disputes, baseballs and bats used in the Major Leagues are threatening to go on strike, if their needs are not met my Friday... BIN LADEN MR. HYDE TO BUSH'S DR. JEKYLL Washington, DC-In a startling revelation, American President George W. Bush confessed that he and arch-nemesis Osama Bin Laden are, in actual fact, the same person... CANADA SNUBBED FROM BUSH'S LIST OF ALLIES Ottawa-Canada, who has historically been a close ally with the United States, was left of George Bush’s list of countries with whom the United States are planning on going to war against Iraq... CLUTCH ORGASM MAKES COITAL DEBUT A SUCCESS FOR SEXUAL ROOKIE Eureka-Local resident Richard Pearson's first appearance in bed with another woman proved successful last night when Pearson climaxed shortly after 9:00 pm... FIERCELY CAPITALISTIC KINDERGARTNER REFUSES TO WATCH ROBIN HOOD Hartford-Five-year-old Jamie Roberts was outraged yesterday when his parents rented the Disney classic Robin Hood, due its depictions of an "abrogation of a utilitarian capitalist system by libertine socialists"... FLAMING BAG OF DOG FECES FOUND ON YASSER ARAFAT'S PORCH Jerusalem-Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat awoke yesterday to find a flaming bag of dog feces burning on his front porch... FOX TO CHANGE NAME TO 'AMERICAN IDOL NETWORK' Los Angeles-In a move long anticipated by industry watchers, the FOX network announced it was changing its name to the American Idol Network, reflecting the gradual change in the network from sensationalistic, cutting-edge programming to American Idol-based programming... GAY PARENTS DEMAND STRAIGHT CHILD San Francisco-Gay couple John Demoe and Rich Gwindle have demanded that the child they adopt be heterosexual... HELL ACTUALLY QUITE HUMID Hell-A report issued by the Climatology Foundation of Hades indicates that Hell, contrary to popular belief, is in fact quite humid... INDIA'S POPULATION NOW COMPLETELY COMPRISED OF MISSIONARIES: CENSUS Bombay-The most recent census in India has shown that the population is now entirely comprised of white Christian missionaries... JESUS RUNS AWAY FROM HOME Bethlehem-Local resident Jesus Christ, 13, has run away from his home, where he lived with his father, God, to live with his mother and his mother’s boyfriend, reports indicate... MAN AT FUNERAL OPENLY WONDERS WHETHER CORPSE IS DEAD Springfield-At a funeral yesterday for 42 year old orthodontist Raymond MacInnis, a man was overheard openly speculating the possibility that the deceased "isn't really dead" and that he's "about to jump up and yell 'gotcha' "... MANHATTANERS GEAR UP FOR NEXT ARBITRARY ANNIVERSARY OF SEPT. 11 Manhattan-There is a buzz going around Manhattan this week as preparations for the twenty-lunar-cycle anniversary of September 11 parade begin... MICROSOFT PURCHASES ISLAM Medina-In a corporate move which has shocked the world, Microsoft have announced that they have completed the purchase of Islam, the world’s second largest religion... NASA PLANS TO SEND FIRST MENTALLY DISABLED PERSON INTO SPACE Houston-A report out of NASA headquarters indicates that the organisation has definite plans to send the first mentally disabled person into space... NEW BIBLE DVD PACKED WITH SPECIAL FEATURES Los Angeles-A new Bible DVD to be released by Paramount Pictures is packed with tons of special features, according to the industry giant... NEW PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE CONTAINS SEVEN ESSENTIAL BUZZWORDS Washington, DC-Sources out of Washington indicate that the newly-revised pledge of allegiance will include seven essential buzzwords, which spawn from the Sept. 11 attacks. NEW REPARATIONS PROPOSAL GIVES AFRICAN-AMERICANS QUARTERS, BUS TICKETS Washington, DC-In order to "fulfill the most apparent need of today's African-American," the new reparations proposal will be amended to suggest the possibility of giving blacks an ample supply of both quarters and bus tickets... OLYMPIC LOGO, OTHERS, RACIST, AL SHARPTON SAYS Milwaukee-In a press conference today, the Reverend Al Sharpton accused, among others, the Olympic logo of having ‘racist undertones’... PAKISTAN TAKES TOP HONOURS IN THIS YEAR'S THIRD-WORLD AWARDS Ouagadougou-In lasts night’s forty-third annual Third-World Awards ceremony, Pakistan was honoured with the award for ‘most outstanding nation in the third-world’... REPORT: AMERICA CHOSE IRAQ FOR RHYMING PURPOSES Washington, DC-In a shocking turn of events, an anonymous report out of Washington indicates that the United States has chosen Iraq as its number-one target solely for the clever rhyme it produces... SEPTEMBER 11 SHOULD BE A DAY OF REMEMBRANCE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH Washington, DC-President Bush, in an official White House press statement, told reporters that "September 11 should be a day of remembrance, blah blah blah."... THOUSANDS OF LIVING BODIES FOUND BENEATH WORLD TRADE CENTRE RUBBLE Manhattan-Clean-up crew responsible for clearing up the remains of the collapsed World Trade Center were shocked when they discovered thousands of living bodies at the very bottom of the rubble... WHITE PARENT USES SHOPPING TRIP FOR DISCIPLINE Portland-In a move surprising to many parental experts, white parent Janice McDonnell used the occasion of a shopping trip with daughter Taylor to instill valuable discipline and build character in her daughter...	Past Headlines Eighth-Grader Wants To Know What The Hell You're Looking At Eighth grader Ryan McCollon demanded yesterday that you tell him just "what they hell you're looking at." The query came shortly after fellow classmate and reputed nerd Rodney Allen, after a school year of teasing and harassing, snuck up behind McCollon and knocked his books onto the floor, causing a crowd of amazed onlookers. McCollon then commanded the assembled audience to "get the hell back to class before I pound your faces in." Elvis Sighted, Shot Instantly Local resident Mark Falway, 52, spotted former rock-and-roll stat Elvis Presley outside a gas station yesterday, sources say. Immediately upon spotting The King, Falway pulled a .38 caliber gun from his pocket and shot Presley directly in the right temple, thus eliminating all possible doubt that Elvis Presley is still alive. Office Worker Can't Stop Staring At Secretary's Butt John Ogilvie, an employee of Smith, Bernstein & McClelland Insurance Co., can't stop staring at secretary Linda Eckler's rear-end. "God that guy's a creep," said Eckler, 27, "If he thinks I'm going to sleep with him, he's dead wrong." Ogilvie, who denies all butt-gawking allegations, asked Eckler on his way out of the office yesterday if she "wouldn't mind stamping my time card extra hard, alright tootse?" Man On Bus Really Needs To Take A Shower Citing a possible lack of hygienic resources, Susan Delisle stated today that the man sitting next to her on the bus "really needs to take a shower." The unidentified man, upon finding no empty seats, sat next to Delisle, forcing Deslisle to subtly hold her sweater over her nose for the duration of the trip. Said Deslisle, "maybe he's poor or something, but there's no way anyone should smell that bad."