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Microsoft Purchases
Islam
Medina-In a corporate move which has shocked the world, Microsoft have announced that they have completed the purchase of Islam, the world’s second largest religion.
"We at the Microsoft Corporation are very pleased to announce the official purchase of Islam," read the official press statement released yesterday. "The religion is a welcome edition to the Microsoft family, and we hope to one day make Islam part of your family."
Muslims around the world are outraged at this, and many are consequentially jumping ship, and converting to other popular religions. "I can’t believe Allah sold us out like that," says Tahir Al-Q’rashi, a former Muslim from Karachi. "I am going to denounce my religion, and become a Buddhist. They’re a good old fashioned ma-and-pop religion, and they’ll never get bought out by some company."
For the few Muslims who have opted not to convert, the transition into corporo-religion will not be easy, according to Imam Saleh Al-Fulani. "Microsoft is going to make an on-line tutorial on how to use the Qu’ran, which will desecrate the holiness and sanctity of our religion. But at least I have a job as an operator for the twenty-four-hour-a-day religious support-line."
He later added, "Bill Gates is the one true CEO."
Microsoft is planning on remaking an entire line of computers and computer products, in accordance with the new-look lineup of the company. Such proposed changes include the creation of the new I-Slam computer, the introduction of a new pop-up help character, who will take the form of a falafel, as well as the institution of e-muslim.com, where newly converted Muslims can browse and learn about Islam, to ‘find out if it’s the right religion for you’.
The Microsoft Corporation also announced today that they will purchase Judaism, in an effort to ‘leverage synergies across all middle-eastern platforms.’
"The Jews are the chosen people," said CEO Bill Gates, "but clearly God has not helped them enough for their liking, so we have decided to help. After all, Microsoft is all about caring."
According to sources, Microsoft plans to release the first version of Jew-Basic, version 1.0 sometime in November, however it is expected that the program will, once installed, force all other applications to shut down, and cause the entire system to freeze the instant it is experiencing any sort of difficulty.
