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Fiercely Capitalistic
Kindergartner Refuses To Watch Robin Hood
Hartford-Five-year-old Jamie Roberts was outraged
yesterday when his parents rented the Disney classic Robin Hood,
due its depictions of an "abrogation of a utilitarian capitalist
system by libertine socialists".
Jamie's parents were confused by the child's unwavering objection to the film, which, according to mother Cindy, "has lots of cute, fuzzy animals acting out the story of Robin Hood." She also added that the movie has "redeeming values that teach kids that everybody should be treated equally," a quote to which Jamie replied, "in a truly just society, people who are most fit for survival will thrive, while the uncultivated and sedentary proletariat will be castigated and damned to a life of monotonous serfdom."
This is not the first time that Jamie has has refused to partake in a family event, based upon confliction of political ideals. Last month, he refused to accompany the rest of the family on a trip to a local soup-kitchen, where they were planning on volunteering. "I refuse to become a pawn of a liberal government who allows the public's tax dollars to go to waste offering undue altruism to individuals who can not even be bothered to augment the economy and society, from which they misappropriate countless resources."
Pat, Jamie's father, is optimistic about the situation. "I'm sure it's just a phase, every child goes through a time where they want to be a staunchly authoritarian industrialist. It's just like when he wet his bed for most of last winter."
Jamie denies the bed-wetting allegations but did, however, state that "even the most downtrodden bed-wetter will not receive a single drop of social assistance when the government reverses its policies and begins ruling with an iron fist, like so many successful ones have in the past."
When questioned off the record later, Jamie elaborated on his reasons for refusing to watch Robin Hood. "It'll probably go way past my bedtime, plus that bear that takes the money from people gives me nightmares."
