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Report: America Chose Iraq For Rhyming Purposes

Washington, DC-In a shocking turn of events, an anonymous report out of Washington indicates that the United States has chosen Iraq as its number-one target solely for the clever rhyme it produces. The report names CNN as co-conspirators in this plan, and explains that the corporation badgered the government into targeting Iraq in the hopes that it could use the clever catchphrase ‘Attack on Iraq’.

News of this has spread rapidly, and has caused a slightly more than bitter Saddam Hussain. "If America thinks that they can beat us because our name rhymes with what they plan to do, they are sadly mistaken. Iraq will win," said an angered Hussain yesterday.

Wolf Blitzer, speaking on behalf of CNN, tried to quell rumours that Iraq was selected simply for poetic reasons. "We have evidence that Hussain is developing weapons of mass destruction. We have reason to think he will use them on us. That’s why we’re going to take him out. Now over to sports where Stuart Mandel will be covering the Battle in Seattle."

When asked to comment, President George W. Bush declined, saying only that "why would we cause this much stress to everyone, plan this long, and waste this much of Congress’ time if we were only going to invade Iraq because the name sounds good on television? I think we have more important things to do than attack insignificant countries whose names are a good language convention."

The allegations have caused many critics to wonder whether or not such past events have been done so television stations can have a clever headline. Upon discovering that there will be a full FBI investigation looking into this matter, CNN reportedly cancelled upcoming specials, including a human-interest story about West African music entitled ‘Bongos in the Congo’, a tragic story of a man’s journey from Africa to Israel named ‘from Benin to Jenin’ and a report on the recent hostage situation in Kuala Lumpur by a group of militants from the Bahamas tentatively titled ‘the invasion of Malaysians by the Bajans’.

According to Ronald Dobrakewski, professor of politics in the media at the University of Georgetown, "it is common for the news corporations to bribe the government. Ever since the Kennedy assassination, every news station has tried to get the government to change its plans to be more aesthetically pleasing to the general public."

CNN, in an attempt to avoid implication in this major crime, is, according to reports, working on a four-part special called ‘The Impurity of Security’, to be aired tonight at 8pm, et.