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AOL Celebrates First User
Hartford-The Walton family of Hartford, Connecticut, comprised of Dan, 37, Maria, 39, William, 14, and Lisa, 12, were recognised yesterday by the AOL corporation as being the first family to actually switch over to AOL.
"We here at AOL are very proud to have converted one-hundred percent of our customers. We hope the Waltons have an enjoyable experience using our product."
The transfer to AOL from the family’s previous internet provider, Microsoft, occurred on Wednesday night, officially, when Dan finally mentally weighed the benefits of using AOL heavier than Microsoft.
"On these commercials for AOL you always see family’s smiling, and having a great time surfing the net using AOL’s simple, easy-to-use ‘keyword search’. I thought, ‘that’s the kind of thing I want for my family’, so naturally, being the good father that I am, I converted."
Trouble ensued immediately after the Waltons got connected to the AOL network. "What the hell happened to all my old e-mails?" asked a perturbed Dan upon discovering that his e-mails had been moved to a special AOL bin.
"Dad said it was going to be easy to use," says William. "But I can’t do anything. And how the hell do I use this stupid keyword search feature? It’s like we don’t have enough time to type in the URL. And the keyword they list on the commercial is always really small. We’re the only family that uses this stupid program."
Even Maria, who doesn’t typically use the computer, is having a hard time doing what used to be so simple. "I’m not too thrilled with all these colourful graphics and ‘special features’. Just show me how to find a pasta recipe, that’s all I’m asking for."
According to William, the switch to AOL hasn’t been all bad. "The parental controls are so hard to use, so I can look at as many naked girls as I want and my mom and dad can’t stop me."
note: The staff of Festivus.tk realise that AOL is in fact the largest internet service provider in the United States. This is merely a Canadian satire regarding the fact that nobody in their right mind-a state in which, thankfully, most Canadians obviously are-would use AOL. The comments in no way reflect the attitudes towards AOL of every Canadian citizen, instead they are the feelings of one (1) adolescent writer. For information on AOL and their services, visit www.aol.com
