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New Reparations Proposal Gives African-Americans Quarters, Bus Tickets

Washington, DC, September 12-In order to "fulfill the most apparent need of today’s African-American," the new reparations proposal will be amended to suggest the possibility of giving blacks an ample supply of both quarters and bus tickets.

"Clearly, this is what every black American needs," said president Bush. "This new bill will finally allow us to achieve a level of equality which is sorely needed."

If the bill is passed by congress, it will no doubt be the push needed to finally achieve racial equity in the United States. "Finally we’re getting something we want," says Lamar Buckley, black. "Rosa Parks allowed us to sit at the front of the bus, but we don’t really use that. Quarters and bus tickets, well that’s a totally different story."

Most black citizens share similar views. "Now I won’t have to stand outside stores asking for money. People were all like ‘why don’t you get a job’, and I was all ‘well maybe if you gave me a way to get to the interview I would get a job’. Finally, we have been payed back for all the stuff white people did to our ancestors."

The bill has been met with mixed emotions from the political right. "Well now," says Senator Jesse Helms (R-NC), "Them coloureds will be getting their money it seems. I guess this is a good idea, giving them little things and all. They couldn’t handle a lot of money."

This proposed bill hasn’t come a moment too soon; statistics show that African-American petty-change panhandling has increased 45% since 1996, and 80% since 1993. "There is obviously something wrong here," says reverend Jesse Jackson. "When a black man can’t be given free money without fear of persecution, I think the people, and especially the leaders of this world really need to examine themselves. If in the United States of America, a supposedly wonderful country, a black man can’t get rich doing nothing, all hope is lost."

Most white people also content with the new potential legislative arrangement. Says Robert Wanstead, 39, "As long as that guy outside the office doesn’t tell me that same sob story about how he has to get across town, and could I just spare twenty-five cents. The answer is no. Finally, the government is taking action concerning this issue."

President Bush admitted that the bill isn’t perfect, and that it is a great compromise, but he was optimistic that its passing will be followed by a period of much African-American achievement. "Look for African-Americans of this country to make social advancements similar to those during the sixties. Bus tickets and quarters are only the first step. We’re already working on a bill which will allow blacks to purchase crack without having to worry about oppressive police officers arresting them, and another one which will give the nation’s baby-mommas easier access to fake fingernails and little Tommy Hilfiger clothes," explained Bush.

The bill is expected to save taxpayers an annual total of $6 billion dollars, which can be better spent supporting many of Africa’s starving children.