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Jesus Runs Away From
Home
Bethlehem-Local resident Jesus Christ, 13, has run away from his home, where he lived with his father, God, to live with his mother and his mother’s boyfriend, reports indicate.
"I couldn’t stand living there any more. He makes me so mad. I wanna go live with my mom, and her new boyfriend Chuck. He’s really cool."
The announcement came shortly after a series of events which ‘totally ruined’ Jesus’ life, including his father’s declaring that Jesus would have to give his life, in order to save everyone. "I’m just a kid. I don’t wanna die just to save a few people."
God was saddened when he arrived home from a vision to Zechariah only to find that his one and only son had packed up his belongings and fled. "I don’t blame him. It’s not easy being the light of the world. A whole lot is resting on his shoulders."
When Jesus arrived at his mother Mary’s house, he was greeted with love. "Ever since the divorce," said Mary, "Jesus has had a rough go of things. And so has his father. He got really mad after finding out that he wasn’t the father, and that the ‘virgin Mary’ image was only there to protect his feelings."
Mary, a middle school Hebrew teacher, later said that she lied to God in order to save the reputation of the family.
News of this custody battle has resonated throughout the land, and has confused Christians everywhere.
"Well, God did create the universe," says Jacob the blacksmith, "but without Jesus, we’re doomed to eternal damnation. I only hope the holy family can work out their problems and save us poor souls."
The Catholics have reportedly taken a neutral stance, stating that both Mary, God and Jesus are equally holy, and they are sure that a priest will absolve God and Mary of the deadly sin of divorce.
The Jews rejoiced after hearing the news, and are hoping that with Jesus out of the way, God will be free to play the field, and finally produce the real Messiah.
Many Pharisees in the land expect a long and drawn-out custody battle over Jesus, and some are even speculating that the long-fabled Holy Ghost, who is rumoured to be a combination of the goodness of both God and Jesus, is instead an aborted love-child of God and local prostitute Mary Magdalen.
